When my DH and I got together he admitted he watched a lot of porn. I absolutely hate porn and told him so, but it wasn't too much of an issue because we were having regular sex so he wasn't needing to use it. He started to question the industry and what he was watching and started having quite a lot of guilt about it.
Then I got really really ill, was on powerful medications that completely eliminated my sex drive to the point I couldn't stand any physical contact. It caused huge issues for us understandably. Inevitably he went back to the porn and was using it every day. I knew I had no right to argue because he wasn't getting anything else so I basically decided to block it out, let him get on with it and not think about it. This sadly went on for a long time but eventually it improved and we went back to having a fantastic sex life. After a year or so I got pregnant with twins - sex stopped by the third trimester as I was in a lot of pain. I had a traumatic birth, months in nicu, pumping every two hours - I was broken mentally and physically, my hormones were screwed and my sex drive was gone again. He was spending an hour and a half in the bathroom every morning, obviously I knew what he was doing but again I blocked it out. I definitely didn't want to think about what he was watching because what I imagined was hideous and I'm 100% sure that the reality is worse.
It's taken me until now for my sex drive to come back, and it's come back with full force. We've had sex every day for nearly a week and it's been great. He hasn't looked at any porn since he's had no need (he works from home so I'm well aware of what he's doing or not doing).
Earlier on we were half jokingly looking at an adult online shop and making jokes about buying this or that. He accidentally flippantly referred to some crazy, horrific device that I didn't know existed and then was quite clearly remembering something he'd seen and laughing. It was like a switch flipped in my brain and 8 years of upset has come flooding out.
I want to be clear - I don't blame him at all for looking at it, he has a high sex drive and he was taking care of it, and stayed with me through a long period of abstinence and he is a wonderful husband and father. But honestly thinking of all the stuff he must have seen, knowing that stuff he likes to do and wants to do with me come from what I know would be really grotty and exploitative porn, it has all just overwhelmed me and I feel physically sick. I really didn't ever want to think about and feel all this stuff but I can't switch my brain off now, the floodgates have opened and I have been in tears all night, and really trying not to be.
I know that porn isn't a big deal for some women and that's fine, that's your prerogative. Personally I find it misogynistic and exploitative and I know he's not watching any softcore nonsense, from the way he is I know he's watching stuff that would sicken me if I saw the reality of it. Once when I was working away he called me drunk one night and was in tears about how ashamed he was by the stuff he was into. I asked him outright whether he meant stuff where people were not consenting as I would have a massive problem with that and he said categorically no. Beyond that I haven't asked and don't want to know, but I have a good idea.
We have such an amazing relationship otherwise but I am really struggling with this. I need to get past it - I know that my problems have pushed him back into it and I do not blame him at all, I don't want to feel like this but what do I do? I don't want to start talking to him about it, we generally can talk about anything but I don't think I can talk about this. There's just too much stuff caught up in it.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Really struggling - porn
VEmbarassed · 17/10/2017 22:39
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