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Is it hormones or is he a d**khead?

(29 Posts)
LillyPillly Sat 14-Oct-17 10:06:01

I'm 4 months pregnant with my 4th child (all 3 previous children are mine and my husband's).

I have been with my husband since I was 17, I'm now 31. I feel like I have grown so used to his crap that I just find it normal now, when it isn't normal.

At the start of our relationship he was ultra controlling and even violent on occasion. He stopped being violent, but even to this day I hate arguing with him because he loves conflict and his reaction is extreme. He will yell, name call, make threats and basically our boys will be in tears and I will end up backing down just because I know he won't stop.

I have even spoken to one of his close friends about it and he said, "if you want to agree to something then you have to make him think it is his idea".

So fast forward 14 years and 3 children.... he has never changed a nappy, never done a night feed, refuses to get up in the mornings with the boys to help me out, even if I've been up all night with our autistic son. He said he is 'not a morning person'. He is a giant man-child. He expects dinner to be ready when he gets home, his clothes to be ready for work, the house to be tidy. Even if he sees one of the boys doing something he doesn't agree with, like writing with a pen on the wall, he yells at me to stop them and doesn't lift a finger.

He is turning 40 this year, just lost 5 kilos and spent $105,000 of our savings on a mercedes sports car. I was furious, but of course I couldn't get angry because he would just blow up 10 times worse. He's either having a midlife crisis or an affair.

He's been going out a lot lately, but I honestly encourage it cos it is easier without him at home and is nice and peaceful.

He hates me mum and has basically cut me off from my close friends. He is away all weekend and when I suggested my mum come over cos he won't be here he refused. Said he doesn't want her around me and the boys.

Every time I am pregnant I feel like divorcing him. I even saw a lawyer last time I was pregnant. SO I don't know if he is just extra jerky when I'm pregnant (probably because I don't want him to touch me). Or if I am too hormonal OR if somehow the fog lifts when I am expecting a new baby and I see him for the person he really is.

My mum is very supportive of me leaving him. As are my best friends. The only thing really stopping me is the thought of sharing custody with him because he doesn't have a clue how to look after our kids, who are VERY demanding. 2 of our 3 kids have autism and are only 5,4 and 2 years old. He has threatened that if we do split up he wants 5050 custody. He has also threatened to quit his job so I would get minimal child support. On his current salary I would be entitled to about $3,000 a month.

Anyway, am I overreacting? He does work hard and as long as I watch his cues then the house is pretty calm and happy.


Shylo Sat 14-Oct-17 10:09:43

Those threats are pretty standard and whilst he might hold his word, I seriously doubt he will because he sounds far too lazy to actual look after children

I'd say the fog lifts when you're pregnant .... you have a support network ready to help you, I would leave in your situation (and in fact did leave an unsupportive partner)

Good luck x

Pogmella Sat 14-Oct-17 10:11:18

He doesn't want 50/50 custody. My ex threatened that bit it would have hugely limited time to see his girlfriend, which is his utmost priority.

You know you need to leave, he sounds awful.

LillyPillly Sat 14-Oct-17 10:14:11

Thanks for your advice.

I actually recently became quite good friends with a school mum who confided in me that she is leaving her husband and is looking for a rental and it made me think that it's funny how people come into your life for a reason at certain times... Also highlighted how much I wanted to do the same.

RavingRoo Sat 14-Oct-17 10:14:38

Leave now with the kids. Go to a women’s shelter if you have to. And seek the best legal advice you can afford. Alternatively next time he blows up video it discretely, keep doing it and then use it to file a restraining order - that should ensure he has to fight for 50/50 custody.

MiniAlphaBravo Sat 14-Oct-17 10:15:52

So you got together when you were 17 and he was 25? That's probably how he got to control you. He sounds awful. I would want to leaved I were you. I doubt he will get anything like 50:50 custody and also won't quit his job as then he won't have any money either!!

MrsKCastle Sat 14-Oct-17 10:19:37

He won't want 50:50 custody, he doesn't sound like he even likes his children. He won't want to get off his arse and look after them. He will threaten and bluster and make things as uncomfortable as possible for you, but my god it will be worth it if you can finally get rid of him. Imagine being able to see your mum and friends whenever you want, have your own space that you can leave a bit messy if you don't feel like tidying...

Leave him. Life's too short to waste any more of it with such a loser.

DancingLedge Sat 14-Oct-17 10:22:04

Aargh! Get your children out of this! Get yourself out of this! Give your unborn child a huge gift, by them never having to live with this.
Don't stay for fear of him having the DC alone for visits after you've split. Maybe he just won't- quite probable, as it doesn't sound like he does any parenting. Or maybe he will see them, but I'd bet money on brief visits. He may even improve as a parent, when being with his DC means he has no option but to parent. Either way, their life, home atmosphere, relationship with your own family, and role models of how grownups treat each other will improve.
Seize this moment of clarity and determination.

Onecall Sat 14-Oct-17 10:23:11

Call his bluff re the 50:50 childcare complete with new baby. Tell him, great, it will give you a break.

CockacidalManiac Sat 14-Oct-17 10:25:31

Men like this always threaten the 50/50 thing; it’s another form of control.
In reality, it’s the last thing they’d ever want.

Gimmeareason Sat 14-Oct-17 10:27:44

Man up. You've put up with this shit fpr 13 years of your life, why exactly? Because it was easier and safer than striking out?

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Sat 14-Oct-17 10:27:48

No it's not hormones.
No you are so, so not overreacting.

He's not just a dickhead, he's an abusive cunt.

Please, please get advice ASAP and run as far as you can.

Call Womens Aid for advice, and when you are free of this absolute cock do the Freedom Programme to learn how to spot these twats.

PickAChew Sat 14-Oct-17 10:29:01

Abusive dickhead.

LillyPillly Sat 14-Oct-17 10:36:30

Thank you ladies.
I think I've just grown up with it so I've become so used to it I don't see it as abuse. It's only when I tell other ppl or write it down that (or I'm pregnant) that I see it for what it really is

Onecall Sat 14-Oct-17 10:37:53

Don't have a fifth child with him.

Shakey15000 Sat 14-Oct-17 10:38:07

Yup, he’s an abusive dickhead. And an awful husband/father/human.

Your, and your kids life will improve dramatically when you realise this and leave him.

He won’t want 50/50 custody. He’ll try and blackmail you into staying. Use the support you have around you.

You and your kids deserve better and you cannot subject them or yourself to another minute of this disgusting excuse of a man’s time.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Sat 14-Oct-17 10:43:38

It's also very common for abuse to ramp upin pregnancy, so that might be why you're noticing it more.

Please, please do not bring your children up in this environment.

He won't get custody, it's a common tactic by abusive men to use the kids to manipulate you to leave.

Get your ducks in a row quietly, get all important paperwork, hide it or give it to friend/relative to keep safe.

LillyPillly Sat 14-Oct-17 11:09:38

I'm really glad that I am not imagining it and it's not just pregnancy that makes me feel this way.

This pregnancy was very unplanned. I was on the pill and we only have sex about once every 2/3 months! But... after 3 boys is it a little girl, so I am thrilled and fully prepared to raise her and my boys by myself, as I have been doing for the past 5 years since I had my oldest anyway.

I will get all the kids passports and all important documents together and arrange a rental over the summer holidays (I'm in Australia) so that's in 10 weeks, so I don't disrupt the boys schooling too much.

I really hope he doesn't get violent and do something awful to me when he knows I am leaving. I will try to be as civil as possible, but also tell my mum what I am doing and my friend who lives a few doors down so they can check on me.

I am scared but oh so excited.

DancingLedge Sat 14-Oct-17 11:36:17

Any possibility of violence, leave first, tell him second.

Cannot emphasize this enough. Telling him you're leaving is the point of maximum risk with a P who has been violent. Maximum danger.

Leave first. Tell him second. If you feel you need to tell him in person, public place, or within sight of someone who's watching out for you. You don't have to argue or justify your decision. Your life is your own to take decisions about.

Feel you 'owe' him more- no, that debt was cancelled first time he raised a hand to you.

Every person and agency who's ever had dealings with DC and a bullying P will say the same.
Point of leaving = maximum danger. Which you can already foresee. It will typically be worse than anything you've experienced yet- and you have an unborn to protect.

Leave first. To address he doesn't need to know, at first.
Then tell him. Not alone with him.

DancingLedge Sat 14-Oct-17 11:37:45

And glad you're also excited.Your new life beckons!

LillyPillly Sat 14-Oct-17 11:52:57

Thank you. I will take all your advice and find a rental, move into that first and then tell him in a public place. If he starts screaming and yelling at me I'll just call the police.

Hopefully we can do it amicably, but I'm expecting the worst.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 14-Oct-17 12:49:00

It was probably his idea in the main to have you both barefoot and pregnant. In his mind these children also keep you trapped, coerced and controlled.

I would also suggest you contact a domestic violence help group in Australia when he is not home and seek their help and guidance also.

Forget any thoughts of him being amicable; he won't be or do amicable. You owe this man nothing and I doubt very much he will be at all reasonable with separating from him. He will likely obstruct and otherwise make that process as long and protracted as possible as punishment for you leaving him. He is also not interested in custody and has said what he has as a means of keeping you both controlled and trapped. He does not want 50/50; he has only said that to push your buttons.

LillyPillly Sat 14-Oct-17 13:53:57

The thought of him swapping his brand new mercedes sports car for a people mover van is hilarious, but i think he is way too vain.

I will contact a domestic violence help group so that it is all on record.

Out of interest, does anyone know how much custody he might get? What is normal?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 14-Oct-17 15:55:32

For the court it's all about what is in the best interests of the children. With your situation I should think it would be easy to make the case that minimal contact is best for the children.

However, the reality is that he doesn't like taking care of the children, so matter what the court says he will worm out of having the children as much as humanly possible.

It might take a couple of weekends looking after them for him to conclude that the reality of child rearing is not worth the joy of pissing you off, especially when you use those weekends to do something fun.

Maybe someone on here will have a story of a violent lazy man who did no childcare stepping up and doing 50:50 with the gaggle of small children and SN after the divorce. Anyone?

IdaDown Sat 14-Oct-17 21:50:00

Maybe someone on here will have a story of a violent lazy man whodid no childcare stepping up and doing 50:50 with the gaggle^ of^^small^^children and SN after the divorce. Anyone?^

<dust bunny rolls through mumsnet town>

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