Partner/colleague, porn/photos

[Arthurweasley]

Long time lurker.... never had a reason to post (until now!) I think I just want someone to tell me I have a good reason to be angry, which is probably an awful reason to be posting but there we go.

Anyway- to cut a long story short, I found out this morning that my partner fancies/ has a 'thing' for a new colleague. And whilst viewing porn, he has intentionally looked for videos that look like this girl. And watched said porn in conjunction with looking at her Facebook gym/ holiday photos.

He says it absolutely 'doesn't mean anything'; he 'just got carried away'... I think this is a shit excuse tbh and it's horribly disrespectful. I'm really, really cross/hurt about it. Basically, I want an outside opinion- is this something that you would stand for/ kick off about? Am I justified in being so angry about it? It's absolutely not the porn itself btw- just the fact he has been getting his rocks off whilst imagining this girl at work. Just need some perspective!! Thanks in advance!

[Summer2020]

Hi Arthur,
I'm sorry to hear this, it must have hurt seeing that. To be honest, I think he fancies this girl and would like to fantasise about having sex with her. This is bad but we all have our own hidden desires and the important thing you need to find out is whether his desires are just one sided. They probably are. I think you should warn him that what he was doing was creepy and if he does it again you will be very upset.

[BigSunglasses00]

How did you find out?

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

"If he does it again you'll be very upset..."

Well that will stop him!

[StaySexyDontGetMurdered]

I'd be furious tbh.
How long have you been with him?

[Arthurweasley]

Hi Summer, thanks for your reply, I know that he fancies her as he told me as such! It's not the 'hidden desires' really, it's the fact he's been, to put it bluntly, wanking over a colleague's photos! I just feel as though this has crossed a line?! Like I said, I'm cross so not seeing it in the most understanding manner!

[Arthurweasley]

Found out through his internet history - I use iplayer on his laptop, something about 'cam girls' came up on the drop down (for us, 'regular' porn is ok, cam stuff isn't) so I (regrettably) had a nosy.

[JeffJarrett]

That’s really disturbing and massively creepy IMO, not to mention disrespectful to your relationship. I don’t think you’re overreacting.

I’d be horrified if I was the girl at work too... Hunting down porn lookalikes to watch at the same time as wanking over holiday snaps is bordering on obsessive.

[Mxyzptlk]

I bet the girl at work would be pretty creeped out, if she knew.

[Arthurweasley]

On the history page from the other night, I found 'normal' porn, then straight after, Facebook pictures of his new work colleague, then after, all this 'British redhead', 'amateur redhead', 'redhead bj' etc.
Super clear to me what was happening. And he didn't deny it, just went white as a sheet and said all this crap about it not meaning anything!

[AnyFucker]

I don't really understand the logistics of this

Did he have a split screen thing going on...object of crush FB and a porn looky likey window open while he rubbed away ?

And you still have any respect for this guy ?

[Arthurweasley]

Mx, I said the same thing! When I was having a rant at him before, I said (shouted tbh) "what would she think of you if I told her you'd done that!"

Im not actually going to tell her- I was just angry. I do think it's weird/strange etc- I think it goes beyond 'men getting the horn' or whatever, which is why I posted on here. I don't know how to discuss it with him.

[sparklymarion]

I'm sorry but he's have to go !!! I admit we all fantasise but to look at another's women photo is
So out of order !! I'd pack his bags and he'd be gone !

[Arthurweasley]

AnyFucker; there's a list of things you've gone on in 'history' - he'd been on regular porn, then her pics, then specific redhead porn. It was massively obvious to me, and he held his hands up completely when i quizzed him.

He hasn't done anything like this before- we're honestly very functional/boring/normal- which is why I'm massively at a loss as to how to deal with it.

[Summer2020]

MyBriliantDisguise - if you cannot be helpful darling, please refrain from posting!

[RandomMess]

It's just Yuck isn't it!

[fridayrain]

The fact he's invested in her enough to do this would be all i needed to end things. How would you know from now on when yous are having sex that he isnt thinking of her, or next time he has a wank.

[Ecclesiastes]

Porn use is a red flag. The colleague is a red herring.

[Cambionome]

Gross.

[Arthurweasley]

Fridayrain; I don't know. I don't want to end things, I don't think. Like, I'm angry, but he is so, so sorry, and nothing like this has ever happened, and I think I just need to vent and think of ways to manage it. Obviously with the understanding that nothing like this will even happen again. I think it's just a weird situation! And I don't want to be taken for a mug. And I know it's bad! But, I don't know, a mistake?

[Arthurweasley]

Eccles; the porn use is fine. We've looked at porn together on occasion. That's not the problem at all- it's the fact he thinks of a colleague when using it

[AnyFucker]

You don't want to be taken for a mug ?

That ship has sailed

[silkpyjamasallday]

That is really creepy behaviour, my ex boyfriend used to do the same, note the ex. He would get obsessed with people and tailor his porn to match up with the girl of the moment. He was a total creep and never stopped doing it even when I said it bothered me. He also cheated on me constantly for 4 years but as we were long distance I never had proof until he told me when I broke up with him.

You are worth more than this creepy little weasel of a man OP. Dump and move on to greener pastures.

[fridayrain]

Thats fine. Stay with him if thats what you want. But how will you feel when you're next intimate with him. How can you believe him now when he tells you that he thinks you're beautiful. Or that you're the one for him. Clearly not.

And how are you going to feel every day when he goes to work with her there?

[Mxyzptlk]

I suppose he could be having a wank while thinking about the other girl, and no-one would ever know. It's just cos it's on the computer history, that you found out. That does seem more deliberate, tho, looking for the girl on FB, then the looky like porn.
Not sure what I would do, if it was me.

[Winosaurus]

There’s a massive difference between wanking over porn and wanking over someone you know IMO. Porn is a fantasy, someone they don’t know doing things they like - it’s removed from their reality and as they don’t know the girls in the videos it’s more about the acts than the person.
Masturbating over someone they know and see in real life is totally different! How can you be sure he won’t try to persue what he’s imagining? It’s like a mental affair I would not be ok with this at all