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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

In laws again

48 replies

user1485778793 · 02/10/2017 15:07

I've posted about problems with my in-laws before, especially my mil....nasty comments when pregnant will very Ill baby, taking baby out of incubator without permission when he was on minimal handling then lying about it.

Since my baby died my anger towards my in-laws for their selfish behaviour has increased. I haven't seen them for a month since the funeral and have no desire to be around them as all they do is howl and sob about their loss. They were incredibly selfish during an awful time and I just can't let it go.

Am I in the wrong? My husband has spoken to them and says they are in complete disbelief as to why I don't want to be around them. They seem to think that it's ok to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend they did nothing. They can't understand how nasty they have been especially mil who told me I was making her ill and my unborn babys condition worse. I can't forgive the level of selfish self entitled behaviour they have dished out.

My husband is fine with me not having anything to do with them and i have no problem with him being fine with them. But is this really feasable? Anyone else have nothing to do with their in-laws.

My mil has a reputation for being exceptionally bossy and they are all emotionally unstable. We are going to a funeral next week and I know they will be there, she will want to speak to me, to kiss and hug me (arm breaking hugs) and will want to sit with us. but I can't bear them.

Any advice on what to do?

OP posts:

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Rosetime · 02/10/2017 15:56

So so sorry for your loss. It sounds quite recent. Your feelings of anger are understandable and tbh, expected ... especially with the things that happened while your LO was in NICU. You are grieving.
Must you go for this funeral? It sounds like you would benefit from time away from your inçlaws and anyone that makes your pain feel so raw. You need time away from such triggers .. time to find a way to manage your loss.
So sorry. (((hugs)))

Can you adjust your title to include trigger.

Rosetime · 02/10/2017 15:59

I am sorry, the very last line in my post seems to come across quite insensitive. I meant it in the gentliest of ways...

abbsisspartacus · 02/10/2017 16:00

I remember you I'm so sorry for your loss tell them to piss off you owe them nothing

wheresthel1ght · 02/10/2017 16:00

If your husband is fine with it then carry on as you are.

I am so very sorry for your loss, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. However, for your own sake maybe some bereavement counselling where you can discuss the feelings of anger towards them would be useful, if only to stop yourself driving yourself mad over it?

QueenArseClangers · 02/10/2017 16:23

Go NC with the selfish fuckers.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss

Please try and concentrate on being kind to yourself and healing.

Fishface77 · 02/10/2017 16:44

I remember your last thread.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Go NC. Ignore. If you must got to the funeral your DH should run interference and if they try to approach you he should tell them to leave you alone (they should be warned first to stay away from you).

letsdolunch321 · 02/10/2017 16:46

Do most be honest with yourself and think are you up to attending a funeral having wha you have been through.

letsdolunch321 · 02/10/2017 16:48

Sorry * you must be honest ....

If you are not feeling you are strong enough to attend let your husband attend - am sure he will understand.

Hugs to you.

FaFoutis · 02/10/2017 16:52

Do what is best for yourself, if that means having nothing to do with the ILs then that's fine.
I have no contact with my in laws (neither does DH) and it is very pleasant.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2017 16:57

I would not gi to the funeral. It's not in your best interest to see the in laws.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 17:09

I remember your previous posts, and I am so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful baby.

Your in-laws are wretched. I think you should feel free, with no hesitation, to refuse to ever see or speak to them again. Their behaviour and treatment of you is 100% unforgivable. Your mental health will be much better if you cut these toxic monsters out of your life. Also, you should not go to the funeral. Completely avoid any event where they will be present.

user1485778793 · 02/10/2017 19:45

My in-laws think that by saying sorry and crying everything is ok.

My mil sees no wrong in anything she has done. She continues to text me like nothing has happend, I never reply. She's always texting my mum too. She's a very bossy controlling loud person who isn't used to people not conforming to her demands.

I feel bad that I can't let it go but I just can't because I know deep down they did everything for selfish reasons.

I want to go to the funeral, it's the 2nd since my son's last month. I can handle a funeral. I can't handle them. I used to be a very quiet person who never disagreed or gave my opinion without being asked but I've totally changed from how angry I've become.

It's not just dh patents his his brother and wife. They refused to come and see my son before he died despite me telling them thapt dh desperately wanted him there. His brother said he was too upset to come. Wtf!

OP posts:

Outlookmainlyfair · 02/10/2017 19:53

I am so sorry for your loss!
I would not make adjustments for your poisonous in laws as you owe them nothing however, in time it may help you to move on from the anger.

schoolgaterebel · 02/10/2017 20:05

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t be attending any event that they were at if I were you, especially not a funeral.

Be kind to yourself and trust your feelings about them.

aaahhhBump · 02/10/2017 20:11

Arrive to the funeral as late as possible and go to the bathroom at the end of service take your time hopefully they will leave for the burial/cremation when you come out. Is there someone who will act as buffer?

FizzyGreenWater · 02/10/2017 20:28

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.

You absolutely don't have to forgive them.

It sounds as if you shouldn't actually. Sometimes it's healthy to forgive. Sometimes it's FAR healthier to recognise a toxic, nasty controlling person for what they are and decide to take a positive step and have the courage and clarity to have NOTHING more to do with them.

I would hope that the future for you and your husband is a good one. Full of love and care, remembering your lovely baby but also going forward in a positive way. It sounds like deciding not to have these awful people in your life any more would be a good start. Your husband is in agreement. So yes. Do it.

I don't know about the funeral. I would suggest arriving late, sitting right at the back, then leaving early. Maybe make it in your mind as the last time you have to see your MIL. Good luck.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/10/2017 20:37

Sorry - I had read your OP that your husband also wished to go no contact.

I see that he doesn't. That's far harder of course. But no reason why you shouldn't. I would hope that eventually he would come to the same conclusion. I've just read your other threads, and all I can say is please cut these people out of your life as much as possible. They are utterly damaging and destructive.

Lymmmummy · 02/10/2017 20:44

Sorry for your heartbreaking loss

There could understandably given the circumstances be perhaps be over sensitive to things MIL has said and done - however she does sound horrendous and to be fair I think your DH should perhaps be setting her straight

Could you avoid going to the funeral and send your DH

If MIL is affecting your health and well being stay away from her and don't feel guilty

I cannot abide the "it's all about me" brigade my MIL is the same and in the end I just went low contact with her - though to be fair my MIL is not as bad as your sounds

user1485778793 · 02/10/2017 20:45

She's a difficult person to avoid. She will hang around and wait.

I'll talk to dh about the logistics of it.

Thanks for all the messages of support

OP posts:

user1485778793 · 02/10/2017 20:53

@lymmummy a few snippets...
Oversensitive... A woman who ignored the health of a baby in critical care attached to life saving medication picks a baby up out of an incubator knowing full well she wasn't supposed to and did it purely for herself...baby then had cardiac arrest because that medication wasn't entering his vein properly because of damaged cannula....it being knocked.

A woman who knew I was carrying a critically ill baby and told me I was making his condition worse because I wasn't speaking to her.

A woman who screams over her son 'we're hurting to when hes crying on the phone because his son just died.

An over sensitive ...i think not!

OP posts:

LoveProsecco · 02/10/2017 21:04

I remember your previous posts . I’m so sorry for you and think you need to focus on yourself and your grief. They are selfish and don’t deserve your energy. Please focus on yourself and I hope your DH & you support each other

SandyY2K · 02/10/2017 21:34

Can you tell your DH to instruct his parents and the rest of the family not to approach or talk to you at the funeral.

Lymmmummy · 02/10/2017 21:50

Was not implying you were being over sensitive just that it could have been a possibility given the extent of what you went through - clearly this is not the case- but it may perhaps be an excuse MIL or others are hiding behind to excuse their behaviours

All in all I would either avoid the funeral and remain no contact or low contact or instruct your husband to make sure MIL is kept away from
You at the funeral

Sorry my intention was not to cause any further distress

Stressalot42 · 02/10/2017 22:45

User my heart goes out to you.

Look after yourself and do whatever you need to, your feels are paramount here.

FWIW I do not think you should be attending any funerals at the moment. It’s far too soon.

Your MIL is to be avoided at all costs. You may never want to see her again, which is fine.

Xxx

Neverknowing · 02/10/2017 22:56

Absolutely do not feel bad. Your MIL seems to be making your distress worse and you're going through a lot.
I would not be talking to them ever again and asking your DP to support you in this.
I hope you're okay op, I really can't imagine what you must be going through.

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