Asked dh to leave at the weekend and not heard from him since

[SloanePeterson]

I'm really worried I'm having some kind of breakdown. The last year hasn't been ridiculously hard and I've been told I most likely have ptsd. And now I'm worried that what seemed a rational request for some space is actually the manifestation of a mind that's not entirely to be trusted :(
I have 3 dc from previous relationships, the middle of whom has very challenging additional needs, add, asd, sensory processing difficulties and anxiety, the works. He is full on, and tbh often is hugely unlikeable, though I love him of course. Dh has been slowly getting less and less tolerant. And I've had enough. I'm fed up of being the one who understands ds, who reads the info, goes on the courses and being the one who sorts everything out. Dh has just stopped trying with ds as he says he won't listen to him. The level of shouting and conflict here is ridiculous, but par for the course with Sen children I think. The burden on me is huge. I went to a & e in an absolute state at the weekend with ds as I felt I wasn't able to cope and we've been told before that the only way we're going to get help for him is to go via a & e which seems totally ridiculous. We had an emergency Camhs appointment at the end of last year as ds (8 at the time) was saying he wanted to kill himself. Nothing was done and still no support for our family aside from an occasional Camh appointment. By huge coincidence, as it's not the hospital we see him at, ds's psychiatrist was there and we got to see him and he's going to try and get us family therapy.
I'd taken ds there myself and when we got home I explained to Dh that I wasn't willing to live like this anymore. Very calmly I asked him to go stay somewhere else for a few days and think about wether he can actually handle being part of this family. When we got together he was great with all the dc, but that was prior to diagnosis although the difficulties were always there. I don't know where he's gone, though I suspect to his mums. Yesterday was our wedding anniversary and nothing :(
The thing that's troubling me now is this. Last year I had a miscarriage that went very wrong, it ended up with me nearly losing my life in hospital because of huge bloodloss. I've not had time to deal with this really, despite it wiping me out for a long while, as when I got home I had to take over again. I've had terrible physical problems since, with constant bleeding and pain, which no one has taken seriously. I had a long awaited gynae appointment earlier this month where I was told I had ptsd and basically needed counselling. Still no help for my physical symptoms. I feel like I'm going crazy and no one will help. And now I may have thrown away my marriage too. I've not been able to eat since Saturday and everything seems pretty pointless.

[MrsCK]

Do you have anyone nearby who can come and be with you for a while?

[SloanePeterson]

I have a friend who's been lovely but by all my close friends here have Sen children of their own and have enough on their plate. I can't even talk to my parents as they have form of blaming me for all ills in my life and have never supported me when I need them.

[Msqueen33]

Are you getting any support from family? I've got three kids and two have autism. The youngest is 4 non verbal and very challenging and it has affected mine and my husband's relationship a lot. Firstly you need to think about what you need because you need to make sure your strong especially if you have pnd. I would let your dh have some space. Let him come to you to talk. I like you do everything for my kids. The courses, the appointments and it's a very weighty burden to carry.

I'd go back to the Gp. Sadly with anything health related those who shout loudest gets. I've found my kids conditions have left me just with my head above water. I'm tired, stressed and depressed a lot of the time.

Big hugs x

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Firstly, I'm so very sorry to hear that you miscarried.💐
Regarding your family, it sounds like help is on the way, re therapy, hang on in there Lovely.
Have you really thrown away your marriage, or has he had enough, has he stopped interacting with your DS, and added to his anxieties, and yours.
If you want to speak to you husband, can you call him, or is he ignoring your calls ?
Things will gradually improve, but you have been through the mill, and are still unwell. Can you go back to your GP, and ask to be referred to a Gynaecologist, and for counselling for your PTSD ?

[Offred]

My life is so similar to yours! I feel like I am coming to the other side now though. It will get better.

I don't think you sound crazy at all. I think you did the right thing.

[Offred]

I had to say to XH (also step dad) in CIN meeting - ' you don't even acknowledge DD exists anymore, you are her stepdad so if you don't want to have a relationship with her anymore that's fine but you need to say this to me so I can help her cope. If you do want to have a relationship but are struggling you also need to say why and ask for help' he said he was afraid of her which was frustrating but I said 'that's ok( she is scary but you can get support to help you know what to do. Don't just avoid her!'

[Offred]

Things that have helped - pushing school to pay for a wellbeing worker at home (you can get this from social care too), pushing CAMHS, getting a great social worker, getting on the list for a carer's assessment, claiming DLA.

[SloanePeterson]

Offred, thank you. I just feel like I haven't got any fight left. Everything's a fight. In amongst all this we did finally get his EHCP approved last year which has made a huge difference but my god the stress of the process. More than a year when his needs are very very obvious. He now has a full time 1:1 ta and she's marvellous. We don't have any input from social care though. I was asked that at hospital this weekend, and I said no but that tbh I'd welcome it as I need some respite. I claimed dla and careers last summer and it has been a help, though people have since suggested that I should reallly as ds should get the higher rate of care rather than middle. But again, I don't want to fight that battle. Are social services likely to step in now? The staff were lovely to me at the hospital this weekend but I think a bit bewildered as to why we were there. I fear for our Camh's input. I saw his dr at a scheduled appointment a few weeks ago and he said he'd see us in 6 months. This is despite me saying at every appointment that ds needs some form of talking therapy and that I truly fear for his little brother who's 5 and gets the brunt of his violence and anger. And I realise even now that I've still not been offered help. Family therapy was smilingly offered to me as an option by his colleague who wasn't actually qualified but is doing a course right now. I feel like my day to day life is hell, but not bad enough for anyone to be able to help. From other parents I know, and from our own hideous experience, I suspect that in the next year or so our trust will be one of those refusing to diagnose asd. The support is lacking as it is. It's like everyone wants to wash their hands of us.

[SloanePeterson]

Offred, I also told Dh that he needed to get help if he wanted to stay. I told him this months ago. Ds is really the only cause of friction between us, but it's so huge. I told him to get counselling. He's done nothing about it. Likewise a vasectomy as I'm not going on contraception again. He's had a year and has don't absolutely nothing about it. Same as everything. He thinks agreeing to something is enough. Never actually takes any steps to DO anything.

[MrsCK]

I think practically you need to write lists of things you can do immediately, short term, medium term and long term to look after all of you.

1. Immediately. Can you pick up the phone and chat to someone? Have a bath? Phone your dh or text just to check in.

1. Short term. Book a gp appointment for you...talk through everything. Have you got services like italk where you can refer for talking therapy for you? Ask parents/friend to come and stay and plan some days out so there are 2 of you sharing the parenting. Book a time with your dh to talk all this through. Write him a letter.

1. Medium term. Go back to the school or hv or gp or all of them about your concerns about ds. Chase camhs. Phone ss see if they can offer support.

1. Long term. Can you look into respite care? Where do you see yourself in a year? Make a plan and see what steps need to be taken to get there.

Love bomb your kids. Spend 1:1 time with them and just love on them.

[Offred]

I left H because of similar. It's too much to manage an adult's feelings as well as children with additional needs. That helped TBH.

Social care... sigh.... well, I know it isn't what you want to hear but IME you have to fight for their involvement too. I had to threaten to sue the LA to get a social worker and spent a year phoning EDT/police with EVERY meltdown so there was a paper trail before it actually happened.

Ideally you should be on a child in need plan (all disabled children are considered children in need) as it will provide a structure for coordinating support.

[Offred]

Being on CIN has helped because all I need to really do (as well as managing every day) is turn up to the meetings and engage with people. The social worker then organises ppl to make things happen.

[Offred]

(And then all the different agencies have to be accountable re what they have/haven't done at the next meeting)

[Offred]

Carer's assessment is usually a waiting list but will look specifically at what you want out of life for yourself and what support you need to support you - respite for your son, driving lessons, extra care to take the pressure off, a holiday etc.

[Offred]

It is seperate to the social care support you may get for the children. You have to specifically request one.

[laundryelf]

What did the doctor say about the constant bleeding? Has the bleeding not stopped since your miscarriage? If so, go back to your doctor about this one thing alone. Sometimes doctors get distracted by several issues and it sounds like they just talk about your issues but never actually organise any help.

You are dealing with such a lot of stuff, could you self refer to social services for help? Sorry I don't know enough to help, have you tried Home Start for support? Try a local charity for help to give you a break?

[Offred]

And yes, you really need to get support with the bleeding/pain at the very least.

I OD'd in march and didn't tell anyone for 3 months, not because I was trying to keep it secret but just because I actually couldn't think about taking care of myself.

[NC4now]

You poor thing, you must be wiped out. Dealing with similar family dynamics and issues, so while I've no advice I have a huge amount of sympathy.

[Offred]

Seems mad but I was unconscious for 2 days, woke up, hadn't died and just got back to doing things. Have seen psych now and he said 'it's not PTSD ATM because the stuff is still going on. You are having a normal response to traumatic events' that helped too.

[Offred]

(He also said to come back anytime and if things settled down and I still had symptoms related to trauma to come back as PTSD is differentiated from an acute stress reaction by the trauma being over and the symptoms still being there)

[SloanePeterson]

I've seen various people. Miscarriage was in September and I had a huge blood transfusion afterwards and wasn't really given any kind of advice of what to expect. I was totally shattered for a good 3-4 months at least afterwards, physically just very weak. They have me the contraceptive injection before discharging me and for a long time the bleeding was put down to that. Last month I was told it was just 'abnormal uterine bleeding' and easily fixed. But I wasn't listened to. The bleeding is ridiculously heavy and can last for 2-3 weeks at a time. I've been given the option of the pill or the Mirena and basically told to bugger off. Mirena I've tried and it gave me horrendous pains and bleeding(!) and when I got it out it wasn't in properly anyway. The pill has a devastating affect on my mood. But I've now been discharged with advice to get counselling. It's like I'm being ghosted. I had my iron levels monitored for a while and was told they were fine, which again made me think the problem was in my head. But then I saw another practitioner who looked at my notes and asked why on earth I hadnt been put on iron. I don't feel mad. But I think other people think I am.

[SloanePeterson]

Off, people asked ds at the weekend if he had thoughts of hurting himself. None asked me. And the fact is, if I could end it all then I would. I think about it every day :(

[Offred]

I have been there. It helped me so so much for the consultant psych to tell me I am not going mad, I am just under a huge amount of stress and how I am feeling is a reaction to that.

It's the burden of doing all of this on my own that was too much, because of it actually being too much not because I wasn't able to cope with things other people can.

Taking just a small bit of pressure off has helped enormously.

[Offred]

It's the magnitude of all the things you have to do to just live I think on top of having a child who at anytime can become frighteningly unwell and desperately need you to step up with more intensive support. If you are only just coping with every day small set backs can feel impossible to manage never mind needing to deal with being a child with additional needs' therapist, psychiatrist, police officer, ambulance driver and social worker....

[Offred]

You probably need (as a minimum) iron tablets on weekly delivered prescription for the foreseeable.

I have had my prescriptions delivered weekly since they found out about the OD. It helps.

I have called the NSPCC loads and they have been absolutely brilliant. I casually mentioned my OD to them, they contacted my GP, the GP called me then did a home visit, psych nurse followed and community nursing did a home visit for bloods.