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Would this put most men off?

(28 Posts)
kindregardstoyou Mon 14-Aug-17 01:11:23

So, friend is 8 months pregnant and married. They were living together with parents to save for a house until she decided she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married anymore. She initially said she just gradually lost feeling for him, but has now admitted she has feelings for someone else.

Don't want to push her for too much info as she's expecting, so just trying to support her with baby.

She hasn't said if this person reciprocates her feelings, or even if this person knows how she feels.

Do you think many men would be happy to form a relationship with a woman who's so heavily pregnant with her husband's baby? I'm not criticising it, I'm just intrigued really. I had assumed men would be put off by this, but I'm guessing maybe not now. I asked DP how he'd have felt if I'd been heavily pregnant when he met me. He said he'd have run a mile!  Thanks DP!!!

Just pondering how this is going to pan out for her and baby. 

kindregardstoyou Mon 14-Aug-17 09:54:11

Shameless bump

YellowAardvark Mon 14-Aug-17 09:56:07

Sometimes having feelings for someone else doesn't mean that you are ending a relationship to be with them. Sometimes I suppose you end the relationship because the feelings demonstrate that you don't love the person that you are with.

TheNaze73 Mon 14-Aug-17 10:01:22

Relationships are difficult when the waters are clear, this would be an overly complicated scenario for most.

Justwanttosay Mon 14-Aug-17 10:03:30

Yes .

Frazzledneedswine Mon 14-Aug-17 10:06:18

Is she leaving her husband for this other man? Or has she left because meeting this other man has made her realise her lack of feelings for her DH?
Does the other man even know she feels this way? Or does she have a crush on a guy at work but it's been a lightbulb moment for her?

ShatnersWig Mon 14-Aug-17 10:06:30

Yes.

BR62Y Mon 14-Aug-17 10:08:06

Yes totally

HerOtherHalf Mon 14-Aug-17 10:11:40

It will put some men off, others it won't. All that really matters is how her new man sees it. My son met his partner when she was pregnant to her ex. I was initially concerned, more because I wasn't sure he was mature enough to understand the commitment he was making than anything else. They've been together happily for several years now and have had another child together, and neither he nor anyone else sees either of the children in any way differently. So yes it can work.

c3pu Mon 14-Aug-17 10:12:09

Is the baby definitely her husbands?

That question aside, I met my ex when she was pregnant (very early on though!) and we got together when she was about 6 months. We were together for 8 years and had another child together, and we share the care of both the children.

ARagTree Mon 14-Aug-17 10:14:45

Normally a woman feels very tied up to the father of her unborn baby so if she's considering ending the engagement then I think her lack of feeling for him must be quite clear in her head.

Peanutbuttercheese Mon 14-Aug-17 10:15:20

If I was to ask my DH I know he would say yes it would put him off.

It's a symptom of her being out of love but and as much as I don't like people blaming hormones your hormones can be all over the shop when pg. so all that mixed up together it's never a time to make huge decisions.

twattymctwatterson Mon 14-Aug-17 10:15:30

Like most things some men will be put off, others won't. My ex left me in the early stages of my pregnancy and I was actually asked out a couple of times by men who knew my situation. I said no because I was in bits and had no interest in anyone else but it shows that it's not a barrier for some men

Bluntness100 Mon 14-Aug-17 10:17:44

The feelings for someone else might not be recent though, it could be something that's been going on a long time and she's now just semi admitting it. Are you sure the baby is her husbands?

CadnoDrwg Mon 14-Aug-17 11:19:42

To be honest I think whether a man is interested isn't really relevant.

The fact of the matter is the woman isn't interested in her husband anymore which was probably brought to light by the fact that she's seriously interested in someone else.

If she has the moral high ground she's ending her marriage before anything has happened because she knows she owes her husband better than being cheated on.

If she doesn't have the moral high ground it's entirely possible the baby isn't her husbands (or there's too much doubt about the baby's parentage) so she feels ending it now is better than attempting to end it with a small babe in arms.

There's also the possibility that she's having baby freak out (which men also get) when the impending arrival of a dependent and all the responsibility that entails makes relationships feel wrong and weird resulting in out of character behaviour.

If this was my friend I'd be trying to help her make sure she's making good long term decisions that are healthier for her and the baby than snap emotional decisions. Whether that be ending her marriage or taking a pause in the relationship without exploring new relationships isn't really important beyond it being the best way for her to embark on becoming a mother.

Kraggle Mon 14-Aug-17 12:00:17

A similar situation happened in my family (sister was single) she split up with the father of her child at around 12 weeks pregnant. She is now in a relationship with someone she knew from work. They admitted their feelings to each other when she was leaving for maternity leave but wasn't returning. Baby is now a couple of months old and they new guy is still on the scene.

kindregardstoyou Mon 14-Aug-17 19:56:26

Lots of posts here, hopefully I can address all questions. I'm not sure she's entirely given up on her relationship with her husband. He's been visiting and is going round for dinner with her and her family.

She is suffering with severe anxiety. She's terrified of giving birth and thinks she won't be a good mum. I've spoken to her about getting support as it sounds like tokophobia. She has realised that it was the wrong time for a baby and has said she's not ready for it.

I don't know if the new person is involved at all. I don't know if he's even aware of her feelings or has expressed an interest. She has said nothing has happened.

The baby is definitely the husband's. And this new person can only have been on the scene since the start of the year as she was living in a diffferent country.

I don't want this to sound horrible, but I don't see why this new person would be interested. She's married, heavily pregnant, living with family until the baby is born and is then going to have to find a place of her own with little money. I'm wondering if this person is stringing her along or if she has the wrong end of the stick. Or I guess it could all be completely genuine and he's really into her. Maybe I'm just cynical! I guess I'm just worried he's up to no good. Maybe she's admiring him from afar and it's just made her aware that the feeling's gone for husband. This mystery person could be unaware of everything.

Bant Mon 14-Aug-17 20:02:54

..and what does the impending father think about all this? Presumably he'd got married, wanted children, went through the joy of finding out they were going to have a child together, and then when he's been busy with her at antenatal classes and getting a cot and stuff, she turns round and tells him that she has feelings for someone else and she's leaving with their child?

In response to the original question, yeah I think it would put 99% of men off. The remaining 1%, well I'd worry about their motives to be honest.

Who would choose to get involved with someone so freshly out of a marriage, with not only a young child but a newborn one..?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 14-Aug-17 20:06:15

The baby is definitely the husband's. And this new person can only have been on the scene since the start of the year as she was living in a diffferent country.

Well the sums could would still add up....

MorrisZapp Mon 14-Aug-17 20:08:04

Shameless bump indeed

kindregardstoyou Mon 14-Aug-17 20:09:15

No the suns only add up for it to be the husband's. Sorry didn't give an exact date because I didn't think I'd be grilled on it. She was already pregnant. It's the husband's.

kindregardstoyou Mon 14-Aug-17 20:12:42

Bant

He hasn't been going to classes or midwife appointments. I think that could be one of the problems. She told him she didn't need him to go, but I think the lack of support at appointments may have contributed to the downfall of the relationship.

AnnieAnoniMouse Mon 14-Aug-17 20:15:09

I've known several couples get together when the woman was pregnant, sometimes it's all gone smoothly, other times it's been complicated, very complicated.

Have you been friends a long time or only since she arrived early in the year?

Unless you ask more questions you can't really advise. So either you 'get involved' or you take a step back & just say you're there if she wants to talk.

I'm a 'fixer' and having lived overseas for many years have less of the British reserve than many others. I'd ask lots of questions and try to help her sort it out.

No one can say how it's going to pan out for her and the baby, but hopefully ok & she will end up happy whichever way it goes.

kindregardstoyou Sun 20-Aug-17 20:25:51

Update: she's been having a full blown affair and has practically moved in with new guy. I know it shouldn't have any bearing on my friendship with her, but I'm struggling to put her lack of morals---- to one side. I'm friends with the husband's family too, and it's torn them apart. The husband's parents missed their granchild's christening because the husband is a wreck. They can't leave him alone.

I don't think this is going to end well for her. I can't see this working out and she's going to struggle on her own. Such a sad situation. It's difficult to be there for people without getting dragged into it.

user1488575338 Sun 20-Aug-17 21:12:52

So she has another young baby with the husband?

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