Whats he playing? Just me perhaps.

[Chow01]

Its difficult to know where to start

I met this man online dating, we clicked from our very first date and went on to being in a relationship for six months (I know it’s pathetic as it’s not long at all in the grand scheme of things). Often we would argue about petty little things, break up for a few hours in the heat of the moment but he always came back unable to leave me. I’m 25 and I lost my virginity to this guy after waiting forever for the right guy and since then it’s just been a massive spiral of decline.
I'm old school when it comes to sex, I had always waited for the right person to come along all my life and I thought that was him…now to the shit parts after:

He recently went away on holiday, and whilst away we did face time. I realize this looks bad on me but we were in a relationship and I trusted him but as we exchanged in conversation on face time when he said he was alone and we got a little sexually heated, he then flipped his camera and showed his friends. I was mortified. Hurt . Embarrassed.

A few days passed and he texted whilst still abroad that I meant so much to him. That he was scared to fall in love with me in case he got hurt but he couldn’t imagine his life without me. We said we’d talk about it in person when he’s back. He returned from abroad on the Sunday and my birthday was the Monday. Again, hurt upset we argued.

On the Tuesday he said he’d like to see me on Friday to sort things out. Agreed a time and place and he didn’t turn up. Stood me up. I rang, texted, no answer. This is probably the 4th time he’s done this.
Saturday morning he texts apologizing saying his head was a mess and he didn’t know what he wanted. Asked me to go to his home. I went over and we talked things through, he said he’d be a better boyfriend to me, and treat me better and give me what I wanted that he’d come offline and not go back on there as it bothered me. We had sex. He messaged that night saying he’d deleted his account but I can see when he logs in.

Sunday night. He logged in.

Monday morning he logged in.

I questioned it as he said he had deleted it and he said I don’t trust him and once again we broke up. He’s removed me from all social media. This was three weeks ago now. We’ve argued actively since and then it stopped. He said he’ll always have a lot of time for me and that he probably does love me but needs some time that he wants me to move on and he wants to do the same.
A few days later he messages and asks if I’ve gone on any dates. I said no but there was one arranged and he got angry at me and we argued. He then ignored me for a few days didn’t reply to any of my messages. I can see him actively log on to online dating.
Another few days passed and he texted asking how the date went. I didn’t go, how could I when I was clearly still attached to him. He replied blunt one word answers.
I asked him if I was to move on if it would bother him and he said yes.
However he does not want to be with me.
I decided, given what he means to me that we should try and salvage a friendship but nothing. If I don’t text reply for a few days he comes back and it ropes me back every time. I can’t let him go, I want him so much but I don’t know how to win him over.
Today he said he’d meet me, but then cancelled. I asked if he really wanted me in his life. No reply.

Help me, I’m losing my mind and my heart is broken. I can’t ignore him like he ignores me. Every time he comes back I run back hoping he’d be better. And repeat. Unfortunately I think most girls have gone through the heartache of losing their first at a much younger age, it’s hurting me pretty bad.

[Vari757]

Honey, it's not meant to be this hard 6 months in. Judt vut your losses and leave it. There are far more worthy men out there.

[fairgame84]

You need to cut your losses and go NC. It will hurt like hell but it is for the best in the long term.
He is stringing you along. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anybody else to have you. The longer you let him keep pulling you back in the more it will hurt.

[Changedname3456]

He's a PoS and you need to go complete non-contact with him.

Just read back your post to yourself and imagine this was one of your friends, or a daughter later on in life, telling you this - you'd go up the wall on their behalf. He's not worth a second more of your time.

In terms of moving on, I wouldn't necessarily date so soon after such a shit experience. Get rid of this loser, take a couple of months to be single and try and work out what you really want/need in a relationship before you dip your toe in again.

[KJPxx]

I am sorry you're going through this OP, to have given away something so precious to someone you waited so long for is heartbreaking. But you are worth so much more.
He hasn't got many good factors judging by your post, and if that is true then I think you should give him a wake up call by mustering up the strength to cut ties.
He is treating you as he wishes because you allow it.
I wish I'd have walked away after 6 month because 9 year later I'm dragging 2 kids through a messy breakup and I regret that every time I think back to the many warning signs..
Also, the fact he humiliated you in front of friends on holiday after knowing how delicate that subject was to you is utterly disgraceful. He has no respect for you and I feel that you need to walk away with your self respect before he breaks that too xxx

[Bant]

I'm sorry you've been through this.

At this point, he's keeping you on the back burner. Dangling some kind of hope of something. Possibly he's a bit fucked up about it too, but to be honest he sounds like a bit of an arsehole. Showing his mates the sceeen when you'd thought you were in private? What kind of arsehole does that?

You can't trust him. You can't rely on him. You've overinvested in someone and you can't fix him. He's lied to you repeatedly and you simply can't trust him at all. Ever. The same thing will happen again, and again. There is no way to get to what you thought you had.

He's not a good use of your time and energy, so you have to be strong. Block him. Delete him from all social media. Do not engage.

Someone better, who you can actually trust, will come along in the future.

Don't let him come back. You're addicted to him, possibly to the drama too, so you have to be strong enough to beat the addiction.

[Angelf1sh]

You have to block him on everything. He doesn't want you and you need to accept that. Because you still love him you will not be able to be just friends. You will always want more. You will always be available for sex, which he will take you up on and then dump you. Every time you try to move on and get a date, he'll say something to stop you and keep you hung up on him. To paraphrase a song, he doesn't want you but he wants you to go on wanting him. There is no good outcome for you in this, you are just an easy lay and an ego boost to him. This will destroy you. You have to put a stop to it now and immediately go cold turkey. I know it's hard but you have to. That's it really.

[redexpat]

Youre his plan B. He will never give you the love you deserve. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

[PopcornNRedwine]

So many red flags.

Arguing then breaking up. How can you be bothered with that?

And the sexual face time that you ended up having with other people in the room. That would have been it for me.

You are either in an exclusive relationship or not as well. And this is mutually agreed. Not something that you use to hurt each other.

Honestly, I would split.

You are young. dont waste your time.
Best advice though - you deserve a healthy, happy relationship. Work out what you want from a relationship. Communicate. Have fun.

[Paperdoll16]

Read your post back and you would tell another writing that that he's just seeing you when there's nothing else exciting going on.
He cancels on you multiple times because he's been offered something better.

Cut your losses and move on. He's a shit and you'll only continue to feel hurt and frustrated by him. Please stop texting and obsessing over him; you're just feeding his pathetic ego and he loves it, hence the continued online dating.

You deserve so much better than this. Good luck x

[Cary2012]

You are naturally hurt more than you might be because he was your first and you put a huge price on sharing that time with someone worth waiting for. You need to move past this though, and realise that it doesn't matter at all. Don't stay with him because you invested so much in this. Cut your losses and finish it. You deserve better than him.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

You have to walk away and cut all contact with him. ALL contact. He doesn't care about you, he treats you appallingly! And you let him. And then go back for more bad treatment! I know he's your first and this is hard to do but you have to be strong and get on with it. He stands you up (repeatedly), he lies to you, he humiliates you in front of his friends, how much bigger a sign do you need to tell you it's over and you need to stay away from him?!!

[Chow01]

I feel as a collective you're all right, i guess i was after some brutal home truths from an outside perspective. It's not that i want to be with him, at least not the guy he is now. He wasn't always like this, i obviously fell for a guy i thought was good enough to lose it to. I just need to work out how to stop feeling sad and stop thinking about him.

[Cary2012]

You'll get through it by cutting contact, crying, and feeling rubbish for a few days. Then you'll gradually pick yourself up and start going out and having fun. I know it feels like the end of the world, but it isn't. You will recover. Don't beat yourself up about this. Relationships at your age are all about meeting and seeing the right and wrong people, some last and some don't and some are fun and some aren't. So finish this one, lick your wounds, but don't dwell. In six months time you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. xx

[messofajess]

I am staring at my screen open mouthed at the face time thing. I would leave my dh who I've been with for ten years that very same day. Heart is breaking for you :( please go nc

[Trickycat]

He sounds truely dreadful. He violated the trust you put in him and has kept you on a yoyo. Cut contact. Don't engage in the drama. Time and distance will give you clarity. In time you will see this as a life lesson.

[Bant]

Something jumped out at me:

whilst away we did face time. I realize this looks bad on me but we were in a relationship and I trusted him but as we exchanged in conversation on face time when he said he was alone and we got a little sexually heated, he then flipped his camera and showed his friends

That doesn't look bad on you. People in a long term committed relationship (hell, even those looking for fun and a fling) get hot and heavy in FaceTime discussions. This does not look bad on you. You're judging yourself too harshly here.

What other people on here see is the huge betrayal of trust. That alone should cause you to block him. Not out of shame for your behaviour, but for disgust at his.

You didn't fall for him and he changed. He kept up a good mask and you possibly saw some stuff which wasn't there. Now you see the real him, and the real him is a wanker.

Block. Delete. It hurts but it's like ripping off a band aid.

[MsWanaBanana]

Please do the 30 day breakup rule. I think there was a thread on here about it but if you can't find it, look it up on google and stick to it. You will feel so much better for it after. You deserve better than this. He obviously doesn't want you the way you want him so it's time to let go

[MsWanaBanana]

BANT - totally agree with your post

[Aquamarine1029]

This man is HORRIBLE. Use this experience as a life lesson and move on and NEVER tolerate this bullshit from anyone else ever again.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Agree with bant.

Also please don't let this experience become the relationship template you follow. This situation is very simple - you seem ni e and sincere and you have been used by a not nice man. It's no reflection on you, just him.

What he did with the FaceTime was exploitative never ever let someone get away with that again x

[DancingGoose]

Sorry you're going through this. What an arsehole.

Look up trauma bonding and you will understand why you are struggling to leave him even though you rationally know his behaviour is awful.

You need to stop believing that talking about or explaining why his actions hurt you will actually change anything and go cold turkey. It will hurt like fuck but it's the ONLY way to save yourself and start to heal from this toxic push/pull crap.

[echt]

I rarely post on these threads, but the Facetime thing. He should be binned for this. I'd say LTB if it was a DH of many years, never mind some OLD twat of recent vintage.