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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Introducing new man to kids

33 replies

whatnextfred · 21/07/2017 07:03

Hi all,

I'm separated from stbxh since Oct. I have 3dc aged 9,7 and 4. I have met a lovely man who has a nine year old dc. The kids know I'm dating and that I've met someone and are keen to meet him.

He is also keen but not pushing. It's been two months. I never imagined introducing someone so soon tbh. If I read this post I'd say it was too soon, but yet it doesn't feel too soon

He has suggested a casual afternoon in the park with his and my dc. I would be careful not to ramp up his presence in the house etc but from a practical point of view it would be great if they met him because at the moment I feel like I'm hiding him / doing something wrong / sneaking around trying to coordinate see him with them not being home etc.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:

Report

Alittlepotofrosie · 21/07/2017 07:08

Yeah id go ahead, they want to meet him. Keep it light and fun and don't go kissing etc in front of the kids. I met my dsc after 3 months and ive been with oh 7 years now.

knockknockknock · 21/07/2017 07:14

If this was the other way round and an ex was suggesting his new girlfriend met his kids after only 3 months he'd be shot down in flames and told its way too soon. But it's your life and you know your circumstances best. How does your ex feel?? How would you feel if it was the other way round? Would you think that was too soon or would you be cool with it?

KJPxx · 21/07/2017 07:19

I met my step son after just under 3 months of being with his father, and a bit like you've mentioned we started by doing things like taking him to the park, play areas etc. I think your 9yo will be occupied with his 9yo, and the other 2 will be so happy to be running around the park they'll see you chatting with a friend, to their young minds that's what he is. 9 years later I have an amazing relationship with my step son who was just 3 at the time. So I think you should go for it.
Hope you all have a good time together OP xx

KJPxx · 21/07/2017 07:22

As what knockknockknock said, I do feel however. You should inform your xh about it, it's not for permission, just out of respect for the other parent and then you can't be accused of anything.
We informed my partners ex and she had a right cob on, but it was jealousy. She was engaged to be married to a man she moved in with 3 weeks after her and my OH split!!

egginacup · 21/07/2017 07:29

I think it's too soon, sorry. The first bf I had after splitting from ex I introduced to the DC pretty soon. When we split after 5 months it was really awkward to explain to the DC and I felt really bad- they still ask about him sometimes.

I waited almost a year to introduce my current bf to the DC. I wanted to be sure it was something long term. How well do you really know someone after 2 months? Also, the 9yo will be aware what's going on so you can't get away with saying he's 'mummy's friend' like you can with younger children.

TheNaze73 · 21/07/2017 07:31

Personally, I think it's way too soon but, the only real opinion that matters, is your own.

I agree with knockknock There's outrage on here when this is reversed

Alittlepotofrosie · 21/07/2017 07:35

There's only outrage on mumsnet because loads of people feel threatened by a new woman in their children's lives and they project all over the place. In the real world i doubt people wait a year.

Alittlepotofrosie · 21/07/2017 07:35

In the main, i mean to say. Clearly there will be exceptions.

whatnextfred · 21/07/2017 07:40

I would have been very upset if x had introduced soon after we split but told him after a few months I was ok with it if he wanted too, but he hasn't done yet. However his gf has no kids and lives a five hr drive away. I have discussed with x and he is aware I am considering it.

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 21/07/2017 08:06

Too soon.

Movingon1611 · 21/07/2017 08:53

I thinks it's too soon, you don't even really know each other properly at this point. There's no harm in waiting a little longer but potential for harm by rushing it.
My ex introduced his new girlfriend to our kids just under 3 weeks after ending our marriage- they'd met online just 8 weeks before that.
I said I wasn't happy about it and that it wasn't the best of ideas but because he'd met her kids he thought it best she meet ours.
She has told me that she didn't like how quickly her ex introduced his new girlfriend to her kids so I have no idea why they both felt the need to rush things with mine.
If you split up it can be very confusing for kids so I'd wait a bit longer until you know each other more- I'm not saying a year just another few months

whatnextfred · 21/07/2017 09:08

Thanks for the comments.... what do people think about introducing with his dd or just him? I'm going to hang off until the end of school hols and if I think still a good idea hats a good time practically for it to happen

OP posts:

Mari50 · 21/07/2017 09:33

Personally I wouldn't introduce someone I was dating at this early stage (and I am dating someone, we're slightly further along the timeline) You're not doing it to enhance the children's lives in anyway it's purely to make dating easier for you. The fact that your kids know you're dating is a bit odd too to be honest.
That said I sometimes think I live in a different universe to the majority of MN posters.
My ex introduced our DD to his gf early in their relationship, its caused nothing but upset to our child (not because of any projecting or insecurities on my part before I get jumped on by the 'the more people bring up your kids the better' brigade)
However, after saying all that, it's your life and they're your children, you know what's best for them and for you.

Walkingtowork · 21/07/2017 10:16

My DM introduced us to every casual partner she had, and their dc, and we always wondered "will this be our new sibling or will we never see them again?"

Screwed with our heads, tbh.

whatnextfred · 21/07/2017 11:06

I I think you are right. I'll hold off. Thanks all

OP posts:

MaidenMotherCrone · 21/07/2017 11:26

I'd wait until you have seen him

Drunk
In a bad mood
Driving in a bad mood/bad traffic
Under stress

And

Until you have had an argument.

These things are the reality of a relationship and rarely witnessed in the early, bliss filled days.

catbasilio · 21/07/2017 12:07

I introduced after 8 months to my DC (9 and 6 years old) and only as a friend at this point. He came over to "help" with my ipad, it was all very casual. Since then he "helped" a couple of more times and now my DC acknowledge him a good friend who helps out sometimes.
On to the next stage soon I think...
Oh and I separated from ex H 15 months ago.
2 months are too soon in my opinion.

HoHoHoHo · 21/07/2017 12:48

I met dps children before I was dating him as we had mutual friend and they were at a bbq. It's never caused us any issues.

Desmondo2016 · 21/07/2017 12:56

It was about 2 months for me. I was 100% certain he would be the permanent feature in their life and He has been. Trust what feels right probably is.

AdalindSchade · 21/07/2017 12:58

Why are you rushing? Absolutely no need to introduce them yet. For my 6 months is a hard limit possibly longer

AdalindSchade · 21/07/2017 12:58

What feels right is a stupid concept. You can have no idea what is right this early on. Those who are still together are lucky, that's all

whatnextfred · 21/07/2017 13:22

Yes agreed no need to rush. Will told off

OP posts:

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VladmirsPoutine · 21/07/2017 13:31

It's not too soon.

From what you've said:

He has suggested a casual afternoon in the park with his and my dc. I would be careful not to ramp up his presence in the house etc but from a practical point of view it would be great if they met him because at the moment I feel like I'm hiding him / doing something wrong / sneaking around trying to coordinate see him with them not being home etc.

You both seem to have your wits about you and are being sensible. Keep it light and fun. It doesn't need to be a "hi, dc, this is your future father, get used to him."

You know your limits and trust your judgement.

HadronCollider · 21/07/2017 14:14

Too soon. As previous poster siad wait till you've had an argument and seen his responses to different situations under stress. Also carefully observe his parenting style.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 21/07/2017 14:39

I'd also get a few things under the relationship belt too OP...

Have you been away together for a holiday or long weekend?

Spent time in each other's places - cooking, clearing up, relaxing with each other?

And the other things folks have mentioned - really getting to know how the others live and function in day to day circumstances.

Flip

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