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Relationships

Cold or normal?

39 replies

itisi · 25/06/2017 22:46

Is it normal for a man to go through 12 years of marriage and never ever be romantic? I.e.: show raw /spontaneous emotional reaction for you? I have been told "I love you" every day. But never brought flowers, asked/taken out for a meal just because, been spoilt on my birthday, kissed passionately (he doesn't like kissing) or whisked away on a romantic break or been given a present- just for being me. Is this men in general or just my husband? All in all I feel loved and supported but I have a romantic need that's huge and never fulfilled. Who's the idiot here?

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Unsurewhattod0 · 25/06/2017 22:48

No, at all. I know some of us have a hard time showing emotion but 12 yrs of nothing is not right.

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Angleshades · 25/06/2017 22:51

Have you ever mentioned to him that you'd like him to do something unpredictable and romantic for you?

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Josuk · 25/06/2017 22:56

This left me 😳😳😳
Other than flowers - do you do all of above mentioned romantic gestures directed at him and he doesn't reciprocate?
Or, do you just expect it because he is a man and is supposed to do this?

Also - was he very different before you married him? Or - did you expect him to change into a different person to fulfill your romantic needs after you got married?

It is 21st century. Send yourself some flowers!!!!

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itisi · 25/06/2017 23:33

I could and do buy myself flowers but to expect me to feel as though it's the same as receiving them from my husband is ridiculous! Of course it's not. For years I was happy with the companionship and the children. Now I feel I want more again. To be wooed, to be fancied, to be made a fuss of.... I realise I've always done this for him and have always been content to feel "cosy" in return. But actually I'm not ready for slippers. I want passion and fun. And yes I have said it soooooo many times. And cried and kicked and screamed for it. But it seems I'm not going to get. So am I being greedy or unrealistic and should I had happy for what I have?

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PookieDo · 25/06/2017 23:46

I know this might sound mean but you must have overlooked this when you married him? So you knew all along that this was him, and now it's dawned on you that it's not enough.
So I think unless you can get him to change, by kindly making a request it's not going to be a walk in the park for either of you and you might have to accept that this isn't the relationship you want anymore
I'm not saying he is right to not show you affection that you desire, but its not a sudden change is it?

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Josuk · 25/06/2017 23:53

You do sound unhappy. And I doubt it's the lack of flowers and romantic dinners. It's just something you can easily identify.
In your OP you say you feel 'loved and supported', but in this you say - you just get 'companionship'.

Crying, kicking and screaming - while demanding H acts in a more 'romantic' way - it all just points to some deep unhappiness. And I am sorry.
You've been together for 12 years. It is unlikely he will become a different person all of a sudden. You can't change him. Only thing you can control is you, and your actions, and reactions.

If romantic dinners are important - have a regular 'date night'. Plan trips together. Go away without children if you can arrange it. Do something YOU can do. He might follow and change a bit - or not. Or he might truly not be a romantic type.
The alternative is - you getting more and more unhappy. Spiralling deeper into unhappiness. And - that leads to nowhere good.

Many of my friends who've been married as long as you - feel the same. Tired as marriage/kids are a lot of work. And it sometimes feel like a Groundhog Day over and over.
Sadly - that boredom, and need for romance and excitement - is what pushes some to look for it elsewhere.
It's a general comment, don't be offended. Have seen it around me a few times.
🙁

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Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2017 04:08

When a relationship begins, it can be easy to ignore and brush aside the realities of who someone is. As time goes by, the things we were able to overlook can become issues we can no longer make excuses for and ignore. You want more of a connection and can't get it. Have you talked openly to him about this? Is he who is someone you can live with?

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itisi · 26/06/2017 10:14

Thanks for the replies. I guess I know my answer but I don't want to put my children through that if I do love him. We have discussed things at length many many times and agreed to have date nights etc but there's always an excuse. I also wonder if I think about it too much. I'd like to ask if any of you spend a lot of time pondering your happiness or thinking about how you feel? Husband says he never does this so I wonder if I'm just being overly self indulgent?

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Adora10 · 26/06/2017 10:21

If you don't make time for each other and make an effort to show real kindness and thoughtfulness then it's pretty crap isn't it, it's just the motions with no added bonuses; without romance I'd not have a relationship, we all want to be valued and appreciated, it's not hard.

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TheNaze73 · 26/06/2017 16:43

Could you start the ball rolling by doing something for him?

You shouldn't give to receive but, sometimes it takes an action of an other, to kick start somebody

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itisi · 26/06/2017 17:49

Always am. Cooking lovely meals kissing him cuddling him. Asking if he'd like to go here away there etc..... he says we have no money and he's too tired. But has just completed an iron man abroad for a week fir charity with his gym. Not too tired for that. ☹️ it's obvious what I have to do isn't it?

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TheNaze73 · 26/06/2017 18:54

Nothing being funny but, is that what he considers nice? To most, including myself, what you are doing is lovely but, it might not be up his rue

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Wormulonian · 26/06/2017 19:19

I don't think it is "normal" but I do think (anecdotally) it is more common that most people think. I am in my 50's and it certainly seems common in my own and my friends relationships.

Does he show his love for you in other ways? www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages. There is lots of information about this on the web.

Perhaps he takes you for granted and has rationalised to himself that you "won't mind". For example, my H (of 30 years) recently went to a lot of trouble to find an out of print and not yet on kindle book for his best friend's newish girlfriend's birthday. On my birthday he announced at 5pm that he supposed he should go to Asda to get me something - I think he wanted me to say oh, it's okay don't bother. I got a box of Lindor.(yuk) Apparently I am hard to buy for and don't like birthdays (since when?). I would have been over the moon with a breakfast in bed. I felt like walking. Seems to be fairly typical among my peer group. I think we all feel we want to be "cherished" a bit, not treated like comfy slippers.

If you have spoken to him about this a lot of times then he is not making an effort. It sounds like you put a lot of YOUR energy and time into thinking of nice things for him. Become a bit more selfish - detach and invest that energy in yourself and children. If you are ready for it you could always give him an ultimatum/timeline to improve and leave if he doesn't shape up.

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cappy123 · 26/06/2017 19:39

Hi OP. Doesn't come across from what you've said so far what you do just for you. I agree you can't directly change someone, but you can influence them to change, if they want to. Does he see you for example with a group of friends or hobbies that occupy you? Do you have any other unmet needs not related to his lack of attention? Have you suggested couple counselling, or considered going yourself if he won't go? I'm just thinking that the more you focus on you, then if he changes he has a better you (IYSWIM, not suggesting you're not good enough) to relate to. But if sadly your joint future is looking uncertain, at least you'll be emotionally and mentally strengthening yourself by focusing more on your own needs and priorities.

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Emboo19 · 26/06/2017 20:12

I want passion and fun.

This is what stands out for me Op! Although I don't think that comes from being bought flowers, gifts or weekends away.
But I definitely wouldn't want a relationship where I didn't have those things, where I didn't feel desired and a little bit adored.

When you've talked, what was his response? If he knew you were considering leaving would he want to try make it work?

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Squishedstrawberry4 · 26/06/2017 21:08

My husband is a little like this (although he does bring me flowers, he struggles to be spontaneous) and he's on the spectrum

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MyheartbelongstoG · 26/06/2017 23:16

He's just not that into you is he.

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HeddaGarbled · 26/06/2017 23:40

I'm not sure.

I do think that a lot of women have an unrealistic and rather entitled sense of wanting romantic gestures fostered by romantic films etc.

He tells you he loves you every day and you feel loved and supported. Isn't that more important than artificial gestures?

I have never been "whisked away on a romantic break" just for being me. But we do go on holidays together and we plan them together and enjoy the planning and the holiday.

I probably haven't been "spoilt on my birthday" but he asks me what I want for a present and gets it and whether I want to go out or get a take-away and organises and pays for whatever I choose.

I don't think I've ever been "taken out for a meal just because" after the early dating days but we do go out for dinner for birthdays and anniversaries and other celebrations and when we are seeing friends and on holiday. And now and again, one of us will suggest going to our local pub for a meal and we'll share the cost between us or he'll pay for the meal and I'll get the drinks in.

Flowers have been a bit thin on the ground too. Occasionally for birthdays or anniversaries.

Raw, spontaneous emotion? That's saying I love you when you're doing day to day stuff not spending money on grand, cheesy cliches.

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HeddaGarbled · 27/06/2017 00:13

Sorry, wrote that long post and then didn't make my main point.

I can't tell from your posts whether there is a problem in your marriage or whether your expectations are unrealistic.

The lack of romantic gestures shouldn't be a problem IMO if the relationship is otherwise happy. But your subsequent posts suggest there is more to your dissatisfaction than a lack of romantic gestures.

So I wasn't posting to brag about my relationship but to try to describe what a happy relationship might look like without romantic gestures.

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whattodowiththepoo · 27/06/2017 00:43

"Always am. Cooking lovely meals kissing him cuddling him. Asking if he'd like to go here away there etc....."
These things clearly mean more to you than him so don't be surprised he doesn't run around reciprocating.

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DrMorbius · 27/06/2017 01:02

These sort of posts make me laugh. You want to be treated like a"hot" catch, but my guess is you no longer look like that. In other words you are part of a "whole situation"

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80sMum · 27/06/2017 01:15

My DH (of 39 years and counting) is a bit like yours, OP. I do remember in the early days of our marriage, being disappointed and hurt when DH didn't seem to want to bother with birthdays, flowers and the like. I used to give him cards "just because" and pop one occasionally into his briefcase or on his pillow; I used to buy presents to which I had given a lot of thought beforehand in order to get something he might really like.
I was hurt when I found a card just left unopened, or opened but then just left on a pile of junk mail and not displayed.
DH said that he didn't see the point of cards and presents and he never seemed interested in them, so after a while I thought "if you can't beat 'em, join' em!
So now neither of us bothers!

It is a bit sad and if I were to allow myself to dwell on it, it might upset me. So best not to dwell.

Essentially, you only have two choices: stay, and accept that this is what your DH is like and things are unlikely to change; or leave and hope that you find someone else who can provide the missing pieces.

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junebirthdaygirl · 27/06/2017 07:21

Read about the five languages of love. He has his own language maybe. The only thing l would have a problem.with is no kissing. I would hate that. Being swept away on a romantic weekend isnt all its cracked up to be. I would rather plan it myself.

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C0RAL · 27/06/2017 07:31

Add message | Report | Message poster DrMorbius Tue 27-Jun-17 01:02:38These sort of posts make me laugh. You want to be treated like a"hot" catch, but my guess is you no longer look like that. In other words you are part of a "whole situation"

What an unpleasant misogynistic post !
She's not entitled to love, affection and romance because she's too old or too ugly ?????

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Emboo19 · 27/06/2017 08:06

These sort of posts make me laugh. You want to be treated like a"hot" catch, but my guess is you no longer look like that. In other words you are part of a "whole situation"

But of course he'll be exactly the same after 12 years!!!
Honestly I think this is a very sad attitude to have and not in the slightest true. My mum late 30's with my dad 20 years he still most definitely sees her as a hot catch and my granddad with my grandma over 40 years and both in their 60's and he still says he's married to the most beautiful woman in the world! Maybe I'm lucky and have good relationship role models because my parents and grandparents still have that love and passion and fun, they still kiss and joke and dance in the kitchen.
Yes there's care and companionship but there still fun and passion and I know I wouldn't want a relationship without that!!

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