My poor dad

[Blossomflowers]

I would really appreciate people thoughts on this as want to know I am being fair.
Some background, over the years my dad has always been supportive to my sister and her brood, supporting them financially, free child care and 8 years ago moved to her town and took care of her youngest whilst she she studied and changed career for the umpteenth time. . I could write a book on this. But to the point, my dad has dementia and rapidly going down hill, I try to be supportive but I am not on hand to help. It is so bad I can no longer bring him to my house as it is not safe for him. So I got a text from my sister over the weekend saying he is always asking for money as runs out, we decide to talk on the phone to try and come up with solutions, it turns out that she has taken a £1000 from him as a early inheritance, ( last month) which would be ok but he now has no money, she also started talking about his burial plans and how much it was going to cost, whilst he was sitting there, I was gob smacked how insensitive she was being. I am appalled and have asked her to give his money back, if he wishes to spend money on fags and booze it is his choice, I have also asked to stop talking about his funeral when he is there I I am willing to help as much as I can but pointed out that she has been happy for his help and support all these years and I think is is pay back time. She basically has gone crazy, she can not see she has done anything wrong. She is also saying she is going to tell him that I think her care is crap, this will just confuse him and upset him. She has blocked me after sending me pages of ranting text. She has always been selfish and self entitled but this is a new level. So what would you do now?

[Sassypants82]

Well firstly, quite frankly, I would see her accepting an 'early inheritance' as completely taking advantage of a vulnerable person. Especially now he has no money left! Awful.

Does he have a social worker or is he entitled to any care? I would be looking into all of this. If she's nit mature enough to talk it out with you, for the good of your Dad, time to take matters into your own hands.
I would start by contacting the relevant authority over his care & find out what he's entitled to.
Do you live a distance away from him?

[Pinkknickers]

My sister is like this. Our for her own gain and to hell with everyone else. We haven't spoken for 6 years because I can't stand the way she treats people.

Do you have any other family members that can offer support so she can be less involved?

[Pinkknickers]

I agree with sassy also about contacting the relevant authorities for some support with care etc. I would also advise taking any financial control she has for your dad out of her hands.

[Blossomflowers]

sassy that is exactly what I think, her husband is also involved, there is also 1600 gone from his account. He is always offering me money and I would not accept a penny from him. He is not capable of making decisions it is horrible to watch. I was not horrible to her I just said he has made a grave error, both her and her husband work, what is she thinking. I live about 1.5 away and half the time in France, so tricky. pink I have spoken to my brother and asked for his help. I no idea how to go about getting help. She works in social care, poor clients. He refused help but I don't believe he is able to make that decision. This is a nightmare.tbh

[Softkitty2]

Get social services involved. Just cautiously mention funds might be inappropriately being used.
How can someone have an inheritance when the person doesnt have enough money to live on.
Do not relent on this with your sister. She is selfish and is taking advantage. She should be ashamed of herself.

In the last few years of your dad you want him to have everything he can and live comfortably and not taken advantage of.

Get social services involved..

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks Kitty sadly she is a very selfish person, she is being vicious with me and refusing to accept anything she has done I am the evil one for taking her to task on this. I am going over in a couple of days, I suspect there is more than just them taking his cash . Does anyone have any advice how to go about contacting SS.

[FidgetSpinner]

That's financial abuse, contact Adult Services at his Local Authority.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I'm angry on your behalf. I'd kick off big time if my sister even thought about this. She needs to give him his money back. How cruel of his own child to do this.

[ohfourfoxache]

Do you know if he has sufficient capacity for you to get Lasting Power of Attorney?

[yetmorecrap]

I think she is getting aggressive and rants as she knows she is in the wrong. It's one thing having a bit of cash from someone who is very comfortably off and offering it willingly than getting it from someone who isn't in that position and vulnerable

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks, I am angry with her and her weird husband. I know he has access to dad's online banking now. She says her conscience is clear and she knows how to deal with people with dementia, umm like going on about is funeral. She has denounced me as her sister , silly girl. Her texts are vile but apparently she is a member of the Labour party, so makes it ok to take money from you own father knowing he does no have enough to live on.

[Blossomflowers]

yet yes exactly. I have been measured in my replies taking time to think before writing, she is getting personal and is contradicting herself. Sadly she has always been like this but this is shocking and she cannot see she is wrong. ohfou sadly he is too far gone and we need this. He had his phone cut off earlier in the year I tried to pay it but they would not allow me too as I am not on the account ffs.

[yetmorecrap]

I dealt with someone in business who started getting like this , they were fleecing me rotten but when I actually pulled them up on it started getting really abusive, even when they clearly had been shafting me under my nose. It's a defence mechanism and she will likely get worse if she knows you are on to her . I would ask for copy statements for the past and going forward in the interests of transparency

[Blossomflowers]

yet poor you, hope you managed to get it sorted. People do often get aggressive when in the wrong, I can not get statements from dad as he know nothing about what is going on. And bank will not tell me anything. I am going over in a couple of days. I am also going to speak with my mum tonight ( they are divorced) and see if she can talk to sense into her.

[Blossomflowers]

I am spitting feathers, just got of off the phone with DM and she is backing my sister, how can she possibly think it is ok to take money from a vunerable person and bang on about how much his funeral is going to cost them in front of the person who is ill. I I am speechless., Of course sure DS put her spin on it.

[Poudrenez]

Oh dear OP, what a sad story. I would echo what others have said about elder abuse, and reporting it to the authorities. And as ohfourfoxsake suggests, look into getting Power of Attorney, that'll put a stop to her thieving. We have this for my Dad who also has dementia.

to you - dementia is so awful.

[Blossomflowers]

poud thanks . Dementia is horrible,. I am appalled my DM is backing her up. funny how they are both trained nurses.

[scottishdiem]

Call the police to report financial abuse.

[Blossomflowers]

Trouble is my dad is very close to my sister and he would not understand if there was not contact, dispite taking the money and talking his death in front of him as if he was not in the roole, she does care for him. She has agreed to pay the money back but still refuses to speak with me or admit she has made a grave error. This is a very tricky situation.

[scottishdiem]

I think thought that if you do report it, it helps with the range of support he can get and someone better can be asked to care for his finances.

Your sister is a lost cause though.

[Loopytiles]

As PPs say you need to report her and her DP for financial abuse of your dad.

It's unrealistic and unreasonabke given her behaviour to date to expect her to look after him well as "payback" for his support over the years. You will need to get involved to seek safe care and living arrangements for him.

[Blossomflowers]

I have always had a troubled relationship with her. we are just such different people, I think their actions are disgusting. Trouble is I am moving to France soon and will not be on hand to help.

[PerfectPenquins]

Is there any way to delay the move? I really wouldn't go until your dads care is sorted and the financials taken care of to block your sister and her husband from being able to access it otherwise they will rinse him dry when your gone and not care for him

[Loopytiles]

If you don't get involved then you're accepting your sister and mother's behavior. At the very least you should report concerns about financial abuse to social services.

[Blossomflowers]

I am going to see him this week, maybe try and speak to his GP, he has been assessed but flatly refuses to consider going into care and home help that was offered and sadly most likely will take crisis for this to happen. Re money he has nothing left to take other than his pension each week. She said she will pay it back, though it was a gift so she not have to really, hollow laugh. perfect no she will continue to help him, she not that evil. Just totally deluded and selfish