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How do I stand up to this?

(35 Posts)
Missmoodycow Wed 31-May-17 19:32:24

Hi! Can I ask lovely mumsnetter a for a bit of advice or some suggestions about how to deal with my girl friend's behaviour whilst out with my friends/family.
Basically she's lovely and can be very kind and generous but she seems to look down on me a bit EG if I'm telling her something she'll cut across me with something completely unrelated as if I was being really boring. She criticises my weight a lot too which is hard as I put on a bit of weight having our 18 month old dd and am struggling to lose it.
The thing is, friends and family think she's wonderful and that I've done really well for myself (she's much better looking than me) but I dread going out with her as she puts me down constantly in front of them some examples are:
Telling them I sit on my bum all day whilst she runs around doing everything in the house (not true, apart from cooking which she enjoys, she barely lifts a fingers)
Telling them I'm a bad mum and have no patience for dd.
Criticising my weight in front of them and saying ah-ah (like you do to a small child) if I reach for something she disapproves of.

If I try to stand up for myself though she either shushes me and tells me not to cause a scene in front of them
Or she tells them "see what I have to put up with, she's so moody!!"
They all laugh along with her and I feel isolated from my own friends and family.
I'm losing confidence from the constant criticism and put downs but how do I stand up to her without being told I'm a moody cow? Thanks for suggestions!!

PurpleDaisies Wed 31-May-17 19:33:24

Why are you with her? She sounds awful.

PurpleDaisies Wed 31-May-17 19:34:02

Have you ever told her how she makes you feel when she behaves like this?

rabaria Wed 31-May-17 19:34:24

In what way is she lovely?

Missmoodycow Wed 31-May-17 19:38:57

Purple daisies I do try to tell her how I feel but she will either deny point blank that she said anything, will look really taken aback and say "I would never say things like that".
Or she simply doesn't listen, I get one sentence in and she'll cut across with something more interesting.
Why am I with her/how is she lovely?
She's very generous.
Gets on with my friends and family
Affectionate.
Very reliable, never plays games or messes me around.

I am beginning to wonder if I'd regain some confidence if we weren't together though.

Whocansay Wed 31-May-17 19:41:18

Critical, controlling and enjoys humiliating you? It's not the usual definition of lovely.

Have you tried just talking to her and explaining in the way you did in your post?

Whocansay Wed 31-May-17 19:43:14

Gaslighting is definitely a game, OP. And that's what she's doing when she denies she's said something.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 31-May-17 19:43:34

She is playing games and she does mess you about. It's time for a reality check. You are believing what you WISH to be true. She's horrid and abusive.

Missmoodycow Wed 31-May-17 19:43:49

As above who, she denies saying it or won't listen.

rabaria Wed 31-May-17 19:44:05

Getting on with your friends and family, being affectionate, and not messing you around are normal things to be expected in a relationship - they don't mark someone out as being lovely, they are what you should expect, at the very least

PurpleDaisies Wed 31-May-17 19:47:08

she denies saying it or won't listen

Someone who won't listen when you're telling them they're hurting your feeling is not someone you should be with.

If she won't even try to see where you're coming from, it's not worth trying to get her to change.

noego Wed 31-May-17 19:47:30

So apart from the control, manipulation, abuse and narcissistic behaviour she's good looking and she is affectionate with your family. I am sure that you are better than this woman portrays you as. I hope you can see through this behaviour and make a sensible decision.

Whocansay Wed 31-May-17 20:00:12

She is just plain abusive. You can stand up to it by calling her out on it every time. I mean every time. But it will be exhausting.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.

chipmonkey Wed 31-May-17 20:00:36

Denying she said things she did actually say, is gaslighting, OP.
I have to say, she doesn't sound at all lovely to me!

category12 Wed 31-May-17 20:05:12

Leave her. She is pummelling your self-esteem into the ground. She gaslights you.

Did you grow up with this kind of demoralising treatment from your family as well?

I'm tempted to say record her and play her back to herself, but if you need to do that, you're screwed already. She's emotionally abusing you. Potentially you could give an ultimatum about the way you're treated and see if she can change, and set yourself a time frame for that to happen and stick. But ultimately I think you will need to leave.

RedastheRose Wed 31-May-17 20:06:51

She sounds like a narcissist tbh. She is being manipulative and controlling, undermining you to others and making you feel less than you are. Denying she has said and done things you know she has is classic gaslighting. Have a read up about the red flags for someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. It sounds like she shows her best side to others and then tells you how good she is and you are supposed to believe her words not her actions. She is not nice if she belittles you and lies about you to your friends and family. Being generous and getting on with your family are not reasons to stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, neither is your daughter, if she is a narc then the only persons happiness she will care about is her own.

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 31-May-17 20:12:54

Would anyone in your family help by reinforcing that, yes, she did say what you thought she said? Has anyone got your back?

If not, then since she's just being utterly unpleasant and thinks everyone else is colluding, just tell her. Ask why she thinks you'd invent things that she says...I bet she'll say that you are mad, or paranoid...and then you'll know what she's really like.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 31-May-17 20:27:21

I'm honestly not meaning to be harsh, but from now on, if she does treat you horribly, and she will, you will have to take some responsibility because you are choosing to be around her. From now on, simply refuse to see her, and tell your husband exactly why, and how he bears the responsibility for not supporting you and demanding his family treat you with respect. You DO NOT need to see these people.

Missmoodycow Wed 31-May-17 21:03:47

Thanks for all the replies, it's interesting to see opinions from people who have never met her because she's very convincing in real life.
Just to clarify this is my partner (lesbians=girlfriend) we're talking about not a friend.

PurpleDaisies Wed 31-May-17 21:05:05

What makes you think people didn't understand that she is your girlfriend?

Missmoodycow Wed 31-May-17 21:07:32

Aquamarine's comment advising me to tell my husband something grin

PurpleDaisies Wed 31-May-17 21:07:59

Bigger-that was the one I missed! blush

PurpleDaisies Wed 31-May-17 21:08:35

And now my phone is altering my words. Bugger. grin

Aquamarine1029 Wed 31-May-17 21:13:57

I'm so sorry op, I KNEW your partner is a woman but I just absent mindedly wrote husband. I apologize.

AufderAutobahn Wed 31-May-17 21:18:11

She's abusive and gaslights you. There is no way to effectively 'stand up' to abusers, they won't change. Sorry. You need to leave her and get some self respect back before she erodes it completely. Xx

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