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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I over reacting

33 replies

angelinheaven · 30/05/2017 17:09

Hi all,
Right so not sure if I'm over reacting or it's just me,so please be truthful with me on this.
Been with partner 11 years, ima sahm and we have 3dc,and I have dc from previous relationship,my partner works.
I'm feeling really down and alone, he works 8 till 5, when he gets home his dinner is cooked, I do all the housework, all washing, all shopping, all the childcare, as he works Monday to Friday about 10 mins drive from home. So anyway he gets home from work has his tea, then sits down until he wants a shower, he has never bathed any of the dc or put them to bed, and I do mean never not once. He has never cooked a dinner in all the years together. Even when I went through a miscarriage I still stood at the cooker to cook dinner for everyone while in terrible pain and struggling to stand. He never asks how I am, never asks how the dc day was at school, but yet doesn't understand why I don't want to hear about someone he works with. He accuses everyone of having affairs and has something to say about everything, even saying to people that I never looked like this when we're first together believe it or not she was really slim and looked after herself, yet I buy something cheap for myself and he gets in a mood and tells me how did I afford it.
Is it just me, is this normal, I know he works but why doesn't he want to see to his dc just a little bit, even just put them to bed at the weekend when he doesn't work. It's now at the point where the dc tell him they don't like him. My youngest is 4 and she asked me why daddy is horrible to me .

OP posts:

Report

Adora10 · 30/05/2017 17:54

What is there to like, he's a bully, insults you and embarrasses you and thinks you're a domestic appliance, there is no relationship to save OP, only yourself from a lifetime of being this horrible person's slave.

Hissy · 30/05/2017 17:59

How did you feel about what your dd said?

That she's spotted he's awful to you, and you seemingly haven't

If you don't leave, you'll be showing her the relationship she will have in future, your life will train hers.

Is that what she deserves?
Is this what YOU deserve?

Leave. Asap.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/05/2017 18:02

You aren't over-reacting. That is no life. He sounds horrendous.

I wouldn't even want to have a five minute conversation with an arsehole like that. Don't waste the entirety of your one life on someone as nasty as that.

tiktok · 30/05/2017 18:03

Why on earth would anyone think you are over-reacting?

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2017 18:07

He treats you like a skivvy and he doesn't treat you with respect. Ltb

wheresthel1ght · 30/05/2017 18:10

Honestly, I think you are under-reacting.

Has it always been like this or has something changed recently? I am not sure I have ever said someone should LTB but honestly I think you should. He is treating you like a servant not an equal partner.

My stbxh was exactly the same after we got married except we had no kids. Up to the wedding he would do his share, was slack with money but did house stuff etc. The second we got back from honeymoon he flipped. I was expected to do everything like a bloody 1950's housewife. I put up with it for nearly 2years and then snapped. I tried to leave and he three me across a room.

For your own safety and sanity and that of your kids you need to leave. Your 4 year old has picked up his behaviour isn't right - no child should be seeing this

QuiteLikely5 · 30/05/2017 18:11

You are a single mother anyway. Without him you would have less to do and more money.

Plus he would have the children for contact whilst you got a rest!

SparklyMagpie · 30/05/2017 18:11

The second my children picked up on this behaviour that'd be it for me

Its scaey doing it on your own ( i do woth my son) but its bloody worth it

TheNaze73 · 30/05/2017 18:12

In his head, him working for you to be a SAHM, is enough. You obviously need to talk

SisterhoodisPowerful · 30/05/2017 18:15

This is not normal. This is abusive behaviour.

You and your children deserve more than this.

Lunalovepud · 30/05/2017 18:19

I am a SAHM and there is no way I would tolerate this behaviour from my husband. He treats you like you are a maid, not his equal partner. You deserve better.

angelinheaven · 30/05/2017 19:37

I try to talk to him but he says nothing. He goes silent and doesn't answer me. I've sat on the floor crying and begging for his support and saying I need his help and he just turned around and walked into the lounge and sat watching tv.
I've told him that we are damaging the dc and he laughed and just said'wat the fuck' .
I would have less to do you are right if we split up, and the only thing that is holding me here with him is that the thought of handing my dc over to him for the weekend.
I never leave the dc with him, but last Friday me and my two dd decided to pop to tescos to get a paddling pool, my closest town is 20 mins away, I had been gone 35 mins when he got in touch to say I need to come home as he had had a big argument with ds who is 10. So I came straight home. When I got in he said nothing just they had an argument and ds ran off and he had to drive down the village to find him, my son does not do that. I then spoke to my ds who said daddy shouted at me and said the F word twice and he told my ds he is sick of all you kids and your mother.
So my ds had to tell me this coz he didn't, then when I asked him he said he was fucking angry.
Infront of his parents he won't say shit but to our ds he will swear at him.
I know what I need and have to do but I'm am so scared for my dc as my son doesn't have a relationship with him, and dd who is 6 won't let him near her now, so to hand my dc over to him will kill me and them
Please someone help me

OP posts:

user1495996197 · 30/05/2017 19:50

He is a lazy arse entitled prick by the sounds of it

My DW is sahm to our 7 month DS. I work full time, walk the dog twice a day, do all the cooking and help around house. I give DS his bath each night and put him to bed. Alternate who takes him at night when he wakes.

Despite this I still feel guilty that I don't do enough for them

Bin him, you deserve so much more

Lunalovepud · 30/05/2017 19:59

Angel he is abusive to you and your children.

You know what you need to do.

wherearemymarbles · 30/05/2017 20:09

I suspect if you leave he will have little interest in the kids.

For millenia people have tried, without success, to turn crap into gold

The only choice you have is to leave I'm afraid

angelinheaven · 30/05/2017 20:15

Thank you so much for your replies,
Just can't help but to keep thinking that it's me and that I should do everything at home as he goes out to work. But then it's not just that, it's the sarcastic comments he makes regarding everything, every bloke we pass is a twat and every single mum is a slag and comments to me like 'all you care about is the kids and the dogs' It's then all the little things, but then I start thinking am I just picking.
And op you wife is very lucky and so is your ds to have a daddy like you that wants to be involve, as that is what I don't understand, I can't get my head around why he doesn't want to care for his dc. My dc are my life and at the minute I'm really letting them all down,

OP posts:

TheSockGoblin · 30/05/2017 20:27

He is a misogynist who doesn't see you as a person, only something to do things for him and to treat like crap to make him feel good.

You're already a single parent. If you left him do you really think he would bother to have the kids for the weekend? Sure he'd threaten you, say he was going to take them 50/50 contact, tell you it will damage them to have divorced parents etc.

But its bullshit. He doesn't give a crap about you or about being a good dad. He won't want them for any reason other than to try and get to you, and honestly he sounds so lazy, disengaged entitled and immature that I highly doubt he'd do more than a couple of weekends looking after his own children by himself.

Leave him, you already do everything, so why not give yourself and your kids the gift of a calm and happy household?

Sorry you're married to an abusive asshole...but yea he is damaging you and your kids.

What is keeping you in the marriage other than worrying he will take the kids each weekend?

user1495996197 · 30/05/2017 20:27

You're not letting them down at all, you're trying to do your best in a very difficult situation.

By the sounds of it you're an amazing mum, handling all that on your own. Long gone are the days of child rearing being 'woman's work'...he needs to get with the program and (pardon the phrase) man up!!!

noova61 · 30/05/2017 20:34

Get the kids and the dogs and leave...
He doesnt want you or his children.

DancingLedge · 30/05/2017 20:42

He's making it pretty clear he doesn't want the DC now.

The likelihood of him taking them for a weekends contact- come on, this isn't going to happen.

You , and your children, would feel beeter without him.

angelinheaven · 30/05/2017 21:01

Thank you all, makes me feel like I'm not going mad.
We are not married, and the house is all in my name, I had the house before we got together.
Are any of you single parents?

OP posts:

ifonlyyouknew · 30/05/2017 21:03

Stop blaming yourself. Your priority is the kids (should be his too) & it sounds like you are doing a fab job.

Start planning how you're going to LTB, begin with the immediate. Do you have family you can take the kids to whilst you deal with things at home? Take them there away from arguments.

Tell him you're leaving him & ask him to pack his bags. If you don't think he will, just wait til he's at work & change the locks.

It'll be really tough at first but totally worth it 💐

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CookieMonster54 · 30/05/2017 21:04

I'm not usually a "leave the bastard" type, but seriously. What do you get from this relationship?

Leave the bastard.

DancingLedge · 30/05/2017 21:04

Yes.
Hard work, but SO much better than a troubled relationship.

Scarily hard to do, but I can honestly say have never regretted it for a moment.

Better for DC than tense unhappy relationship. More relaxed times together.

DancingLedge · 30/05/2017 21:06

And if you want company, any step of the way, MN is here.

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