Husband left after 11 years and 2 kids, so lost and broken

[user1495964242]

Where to start? My husband and I have been together since I was 15 and him 16. This is our 11th year together. We married when I was 18 (am now 25) and we have a 7 and 5 year old together.
All was great I thought up until 3/4 weeks ago. He told me he didn't think he loved me anymore and was unhappy with me so he left for a few nights to get some space and see how he felt. He said he didn't miss me and thought we should split. I screamed cried begged him to reconsider and try, promising id do anything and everytjing to make him stay but he refused. During this time he met a female customer he started talking to as a friend and telling about our problem, I said to him to stop as it wasn't helping the situation but he said he needed a friend and she was suddenly it. She had issues with her ex and they 'helped' each other out.
Fast forward and he tells me he has developed feelings for her and he is happy when he's with her so they are taking things 'slowly and not rushing into a relationship, tho he talks to her daily and I found out he spent alot of days/nights at her house since he left.. She has issues with her ex's, an eating disorder and on meds, she also has a 7 year old and a 9month old..
I really fail to see how that is making him happy?? I've been loyal faithful and caring to him since day one.
He constantly tells me to just accept it and move on, so I saw a solicitor about the house/divorce, and told him we needed to talk about it. When I did that he told me he now didn't know what he wanted and it had hit home when I accepted it (I hadn't but had to try and get some sort of control in the situation) that night he said all this he stayed over slept in our bed and stupidly we ended up having sex, the next morning he said he needed to clear his head and get back to me. I really thought and hoped this would be the part he'd come back and we'd work it out but he called the next day and said he's thought it through and we need to go ahead with the split and divorce, as he is happier with this other woman. I'm back to square one with my feelings, so hurt/rejected broken..
I hate this woman with all my heart. To make matters worse, bearing in mind this is all still in a 3 week period he has taken the kids today to the beach for the day with her and her children playing happy families. It's tearing me apart.
He says he's been unhappy for a few years but I really don't see it, he has only changed since this woman has came along and I know if she wasn't involved he'd be here with us. All I've known all my life is him and i feel so alone and scared without him despite how deeply he's hurt me and knowing I've been replaced instantly and I'm left alone.. how can I say goodbye to this massive part of my life? I've never felt a pain like this I truly believed we'd be together forever :(

[HappyJanuary]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It happens to the best of us and is just heartbreaking. I wish I could say something to make it better but the truth is that you will need to endure the pain for some time yet.

The things that helped me were going no contact and seeing a solicitor - both made me feel empowered.

You've been treated shabbily and even now he is rushing into his new relationship without any thought for your feelings, so of course you will feel traumatised and devastated. Take one day at a time and I promise you will look back one day and know you had a lucky escape.

[thethoughtfox]

This seems to be what they do, OL. They meet someone else so rewrite history and say that the marriage has been unhappy for a long time so it isn't really their fault. Please search for 'the script' on Mumsnet and you will learn all the common things men who meet another woman say and do. So far, what your husband is doing exactly follows this. He will keep you hanging on by sleeping with because he gets to still have sex with you but also keeps the door open for returning if things don't work out with the OW. I'm so sorry.

[noova61]

Please dont sleep with him again, for your own sake:(
Agree with Moving...the OW has been around for a while.
In the future you can look back with a clear mind and know that you did everything to make it work and didnt do anything to break up the marriage, they on the other hand will constantly be looking over their shoulders wondering where, when and if that partner is cheating or going to cheat. Be strong for your sake and your childrens. It is painful, but it does get better and easier. Thinking of you lovely lady..xx

[FoxyLaRoxy]

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you OP.
I would suggest looking up how to do the 180, take back control from him. Also maybe look up the surviving infidelity website, they have lots of articles and help there.

[Angrybird123]

I'm two years on from you and all I can say is it DOES get better. OW will have been on the scene before the split - don't think for a second that the next 'love' of his life just coincidentally appeared at the exact time he was 'clearing his head'. i won't tell you that she is not to blame or your anger is misdirected. I still loathe and despise 'my' OW who is marrying my ex soon (good luck with that dear, you're very welcome to the lying, cowardly, weak twat) . However you MUST now take control. You see a solicitor and get advice 're maintenance, likely asset split etc . Tell him you are doing this. It IS happening so take charge. He is not in control of your life . Depending on how you feel about this, tell him he needs to decide which half of the week he will be respnsible for the children - i let mine just waltz off with OW leaving me to do 13/14 days/night's. He just assumed he could do that. Make hi. Face the actual reality both practical and financial of supporting two households. It may, just may, help him pull his head out of his arse. You two were together very young - it's highly likely this is an early form of mid life crisis that so often wrecks marriages ten / twenty years on from where you are. It's up to you what you would then choose to do if he wanted to come back but for now you must assume he isn't.

As for 'happy families' it's excruciating I know. The first Xmas that my ex drove off with our kids and her to his family Xmas celebrations nearly killed me. She was absolutely in 'my' place. He was a massive twat about expecting our two kids and everyone else to just accept this new family and brush the lying, deceitful affair bit under the carpet. It's standard behaviour I'm afraid . Get real life support as much as you can, eat, sleep - do something for YOU that you can't do with kids in tow and do not under any circumstances let him make you believe this is your fault - if he was unhappy he should have said so before the point of no return and allowed you the courtesy of having some input into the decision of whether to end the marriage. The worst thing us feeling powerless but you are not. Get informed, separate finances ASAP and do not forget he is no longer on your side. Many of us in your position have been horrified at the speed with which the promises to do the right thing dissolve into absolute gittishness once the realities set in. Good luck and keep posting x

[PinkTeletubby101]

I am going through the exact same thing and I am 25 too, we also have two children and have been together since we were 15/16. It's a living nightmare and I also feel alone/that I'm never going to get through it. Mine told me he is in love with OW from his work and they are getting together. We too own a house together etc. If u message me we could maybe talk over whatsapp. I haven't ate for 2 days it's horrible isn't it - but everyone on here has been through something similar. It's a living nightmare

[PinkTeletubby101]

I also cried and begged for him to not leave us all

[Stuck16]

I am in the same boat.

It's horrible, it sucks and it hurts.
I have up and down days, today is an up day, yesterday started as an up but ended as a down!!
Just accept that this is how you feel, don't try and hold it in, it's only by feeling the feelings you can move on.
My husband left 5 weeks ago, he's a twat and is making life difficult. At first, and still at times, every time he was a twat to me id spend hours crying, send him crazy text messages etc
Now I take power from knowing he's expecting a reaction and he's not getting one. I feel so good today it's unreal.
I have now doubt that tomorrow will bring new challenges but today I'm ok so I'm going to enjoy it.
Small steps, talk to friends and family, ask for help where possible.
I'm sorry so many men turn out to be grade a idiots and you've had to go through this

[dwinnol]

As others have said he's following a pattern of behaviour many of us have seen before. Take the time to look it up, forewarned is forearmed so to speak, it might help you prepare emotionally for future behaviour. It might also make you laugh when you see just how typical it all is.
I'm really very sorry this has happened to you but you do need to take action to regain your sense of control and self esteem. My ex behaved appallingly despite all the promises. When the sense of guilt he appeared to once feel wore off he blamed me for everything. The marriage was doomed because I'm such an awful bitch not because he was sleeping with a woman at work. I nearly believed him.

[user1495964242]

Hi, I do have to clarify that I know for a fact he only met her about a week before this problem between us started as she got in touch with me about getting my husband to do a job for her on our Facebook business page so ironically I sent him out to her so I do know that is the first time they ever met/spoke x

[HeavenlyEyes]

they all minimise and tell so many lies to justify their affair. The man has obviously been planning this for a while. So sorry. So many of us have been through the same. He is following the well trodden path of the script. Please do not do the pick me dance. Get your SHL to deal with everything, go no contact unless necessary regarding the DC, ensure he picks up and drops at doorstep only and get contact established which is regular too. This is not about you or your failings. He is a flawed human being and you deserve so much better.

[HeavenlyEyes]

and she is hardly a paragon of virtue so the fact she contacted you on your FB page really means very little.

[Popskipiekin]

I'm a cynic I'm afraid OP and think OW/your H must have arranged that "out of the blue" Facebook contact...

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Look after yourself and your children. Take pride in not begging any longer. Rant here instead! Play the cool customer and progress the divorce calmly. He's a dick and he's playing you. It's so miserable and nobody deserves this, but you will get through the other side a very strong and wonderful woman and mother, and he will still be a twat

[user1495964242]

Thank you for all the replies, I don't mean to defend him at all but I do find it very hard to think she was involved before as she lives quite a way away from us, has no mutual friends or anything and the first job he went to at hers he even took me with him as he used to do sometimes, and she was on off with a boyfriend at the time, and until that point he met her he was fine and normal with me, it was from then it started, him texting her constantly etc and i did know where he was all the time..

[EmeraldIsle100]

I am sorry you are going through this. Despite your shock and pain I am sensing that you are stronger than you think. Well done for getting legal advice so promptly. It was a wise move and your husband fairly planked himself.

I think you should get a sti check and contact his new thrill to advise her to get one two as he has been sleeping with the two of you. This will likely be news to her.

Keep your head up high.

[user1495964242]

Thank you for your input, with regards to the sti thing I'm sure I'm ok, basically he admitted to me that they slept together once only after he left and it was about 5 seconds and he realised what he was doing and it was wrong so he stopped and left, I said to him about that and he said for that time he used a condom (probably for his own safety cause who knows where she's been!)

[user1495964242]

Also she doesn't know he slept with me when he came over, I asked him this and he said no he hasn't told her as he's technically not in a relationship with her just seeing how things go he doesn't need to tell her x

[temporarilyjerry]

He is such a cliche. Don't let him rewrite history. He has not been unhappy for "a few years". He is following the cheater script.

Stay strong.

[temporarilyjerry]

Cross posted, OP.

he said no he hasn't told her as he's technically not in a relationship with her

This is such a great start for their "relationship".

[EmeraldIsle100]

I know you are very hurt and scared but just try to accept that he is not always telling you the truth.

He says he had sex with her for 5 seconds. I would find that hard to believe.

He is also lying to her by not admitting he was sleeping with you on the grounds that technically speaking he doesn't owe her anything as he wasn't in a relationship with her.

Just put yourself first because sadly at this point you can't trust much of what he tells you.

[user1495964242]

Sadly I know that is true that I can't trust what he says which is also such a new thing since she's been on the scene, for all the years previous he has been so open always and even harshly honest he'd always tell it how it was even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear then she pops up and he lies about everything. With regards to the 5 second thing I don't know why he'd bother to lie about it as he knows id say it doesn't matter if it was 5 seconds or 50 minutes but then even if that is a lie it doesn't change anything for me :(

[user1495964242]

My sentiments exactly, I really hope it doesn't last and he'll realise he made a big mistake, I cant see it being the fairy tale he thinks it is x

[Lemonnaise]

user1495, sorry to hear you're going through this. It is horrendous, I've been through it. The only advice I can give you is NOT to believe a word he says from here on in. When my ex met his OW and was found out, all of a sudden he hadn't been happy for ages...It was all news to me, he'd even discussed having another baby a 2 weeks before he left

From the day he was found out, every word out of his mouth was a lie. He turned into a complete stranger, he was a completely different person. He went out of his way to make life difficult for me. He treated me and our DC like shit. He went from being a doting dad to not even turning up to see her at times we'd arranged. I was in bits, I thought I'd never get over it.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm happier than ever. I met my DP only 8 months after splitting with him. I had swore off men and genuinely thought I'd never trust any man ever again. You WILL get through this, I promise. Get your finances in order and don't do the pick me dance. Good luck.

[WaitingYetAgain]

I don't understand this:

he's technically not in a relationship with her just seeing how things go he doesn't need to tell her

Combined with this:

he has taken the kids today to the beach for the day with her and her children playing happy families

I think he's lying and he is in a relationship with her. Otherwise, it makes no sense at all. How can he be happier with her if it's just a case of dating? That does not reflect real life (the daily grind). Where does he live/stay?

I agree with PP that he is not to be trusted at all. People who do this seem to just switch off the person they used to be with you and it's as if you are now seeing a totally new person and the previous person never existed. This happened to me although we did not have any children. It's heartbreaking but you will come out the other side.