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Help, need advice :-(

(40 Posts)
user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 11:39:45

Ok, I'm new here so please be gentle, but I'm in desperate need of some advice. Basically, I was six months pregnant with my son when I found some messages on my husbands phone to a girl he worked with. Some were friendly, others were more explicit, detailing stuff he wanted to do to her, and how he had been looking at hotels for them both to go to.

Anyway, we worked through it, had our baby boy, he left his job, we went to marriage counselling and have been getting on ok since (this was 2 years ago).

Last Friday night, he went out with some old workmates, I was fine with this, but some photos have gone up on Facebook this morning that he's tagged in, and she's on there, smiling away.

It's knocked me sick, for one thing, I had no clue she was going to be there, but then why would he tell me as he knew I'd freak out. But now the photos are there for all to see!

What do I do? Do I bring it up? I don't want to drag stuff up from our past as we have done so well in moving on from it, but I'm shaking and it's really upset me. I've scrolled through the pics, and to be fair, there's only one on there where they are together, and it was a group photo of about twenty people. The others, she's on them with other people.

What the hell do I do??

josuk Thu 25-May-17 11:44:38

Clearly - you won't be able to hide your feelings.
Is your relationship now at a place where you can tell him how it made you feel upon seeing these pictures?
And ask him how it was for him to see her?

I think in these situations - coming at it as accusatory and probing is less productive than first opening up yourself. Saying what YOU feel.

user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 11:48:22

Honestly, I don't know, like I don't want to go in flying at him, because then this is going to bring up issues and he could accuse me of not trusting him. But on the other hand, I'm so upset that I had to see the photos on facebook and I didn't know anything about it.

AnyFucker Thu 25-May-17 11:51:05

If you cannot raise this issue with him then your relationship with him is not "ok" at all

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-May-17 11:53:05

Well you don't trust him.
With very good reason.
You can't keep it all bottled up so have a chat with him about it.
Tell him how you feel.
Your feelings are valid and he should know how you feel.

user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 11:53:22

I've never been one for confrontation, and my stomach twists in on itself at the thought of even having the conversation.

AnyFucker Thu 25-May-17 11:56:11

That is no way to live sad

You have an equal voice. Please use it.

user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 11:58:39

You're right, and I'm really hurt that he wouldn't think to tell me that she was there. Thing is, I've only just seen the photos even though they were put up on 22nd May so either he thinks I've seen them and ignored them or am stewing on it, either way, he should have told me :-(

Thinkingofausername1 Thu 25-May-17 11:59:27

He lied. He didn't tell you she would be there. You have every right not to trust him

AnyFucker Thu 25-May-17 12:01:26

He probably couldn't be bothered to tell you because you don't stand up for yourself.

It's a vicious circle, love. You won't get respect if you don't expect it.

NotJanine Thu 25-May-17 12:08:51

I don't think this is necessairly as case of you needing to have a go at him for not telling you she was there - but you should talk to him to say that you've seen the photos and that it has shaken you up to see her there.

As is always said on these threads where trust has been broken, he needs to do everything he can to regain your trust. Even 2 years down the line. You are still allowed to be upset about this. I know you don't want to, but you really need to talk honestly to him about this or it will just eat you up inside. It's no way to live, I've done it.

DraughtyWindow Thu 25-May-17 12:09:25

^^This

MissCookiee Thu 25-May-17 12:13:40

Is there a chance that he didn't actually know that she was going to be there?
Not making excuses for him but at the end of the day he clearly loves you and wants to be with you if you managed to work towards it and he was willing to go to counselling.

I do agree with the others in saying that you need to try and bring this up somehow, it doesn't have to end in a row, there are ways to approach things in a calm manor.

cheesydoesit Thu 25-May-17 12:23:18

If he didn't know she was going to be there then he could have told the OP afterwards and not posed in a photo with this woman.

Ellisandra Thu 25-May-17 12:29:10

So fucking what if he thinks you don't trust him?

That would be as a result of... HIS ACTIONS.

The only way you will know that as a couple you HAVE worked through this is if you can have an open conversation with him about your feelings. He should reassure you, tell you why he didn't tell you, and APOLOGISE that you have to go through this because of HIS shitty past behaviour.

One hint of impatience with you, and he is utterly in the wrong and you haven't resolved it all all.

flowers

user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 12:48:58

I know I need to bring this up with him, but I don't want to reopen old wounds as it were.

I get what you're all saying, I honestly do, but it's so hard for me to drag up things that broke me two years ago. I was devestated, had to be referred for prenatel counselling and was prescribed antidepressants.

I'm thinking as he's not interested anymore, maybe he didn't think it was that big a of a deal so why upset me?

isitjustme2017 Thu 25-May-17 13:09:13

Why should you be pussy footing around him and his feelings? After what he did you have EVERY right to be annoyed at this. You have done nothing wrong here.
I would be confronting him about this and making him fully aware of your feelings on the matter.
Would he be the same in your position?

pocketsaviour Thu 25-May-17 13:20:26

Does he still work with this woman?

Who posted the photos - him or another workmate?

user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 13:40:09

No, he left not long after I found out. And it was someone else that posted the pics.

NotJanine Thu 25-May-17 13:57:08

the fact that you suspect he didn't think it was a big deal is a very good reason for you to talk to him - so that he knows it is a big deal for you. He needs to know how you feel, getting past this is something you have to do together.

user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 14:07:04

I know you're right, I'm guessing I have to have a very awkward conversation with him later. I hate this, if he'd have just been honest and said she'd been there then it wouldn't be so upsetting :-(

Adora10 Thu 25-May-17 14:07:21

You really need to stand up for yourself OP, you don't want to bring it up, he's on FB with his old shag for everyone to see, including his work mates except you only find out by chance, you need to kick him in to touch because he doesn't seem to appreciate what HE has put you through.

Adora10 Thu 25-May-17 14:08:11

And he'd not be going out socialising and drinking with his OW at any time if he wanted to stay in a relationship with me.

user1495708571 Thu 25-May-17 14:10:30

I didn't know she'd be there Adora10, I had no idea, if I did I would have told him I wasn't happy about him going.

And they didn't have sex, it was just messages. Not that it makes it any better of course.

Adora10 Thu 25-May-17 14:42:23

Yeah sorry OP but they all say it wasn't anything physical, doesn't make it true.

And to do that to you whilst carrying his child is pretty scummy too.

It's not your place to say that to him OP, out of respect for you he should not even be working next to her; he clearly doesn't give a fuck about your feelings, imagine expecting you to accept his OW still working alongside him; did he actually have any consequence at all because just like kids even adults that don't get a consequence carry on as before.

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