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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Little or no contact for days at a time..WWYD?

51 replies

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 16:09

I've been with DP for 8 months.

We see each other once a week when he stays at mine. We both have kids. This suits me for the most part. He could stay more but doesn't want to travel to work which is fair enough.

I know that at the start of a relationship it's common to text loads and for that to tail off but this last month or so he has been reading my messages pretty much straight away but not replying. And then goes one or two days before texting me back.

He will then eventually text me some random update about his day and make no mention of the fact he's ignored me and several messages over the last 2 days.

When we do talk he seems very committed to us but this is starting to upset me. I hate wondering when/if he will text me back. I don't feel important to him at all when he can't even take 30 seconds to reply to me. He works a standard 9-5 job and is in the house pretty much every evening so I know it's not a case of being rushed off his feet.

I want to raise this with him but I don't know how to start. He has 'praised' me for not being needy and for allowing us to have our own lives but I don't think expecting contact every day with someone you love is going against these things is it?

OP posts:

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SparklingRaspberry · 19/05/2017 17:13

I'm gunna be honest - he comes over once a week, I'm assuming you both have sex when he's over, he then goes back home to live the next 6 days barely even acknowledging you and not replying to a text for days on end.

Sorry, he doesn't sound all that interested. If he was he'd be contacting you more. Even if it was a 10 minute call when he's having a shit or before he goes to bed it takes 30 seconds to write a text - he chooses not to spend 30 seconds to see how you are.

If he cared he'd want to know how you were, how your day was blah blah blah. But he doesn't, so he doesn't ask.

You deserve better. I'd get rid.

GoatLePew · 19/05/2017 17:19

It's quite clear that you're not a priority. Your description of him as 'DP' confused me. From what you've written this isn't even a serious relationship.
He's probably very happy with the amount of contact that you two have but it's obviously not working for you.
Another get rid from me too.

HmmOkay · 19/05/2017 17:25

How far away do you live from each other? Is it really only feasible to meet once per week?

Do you ever make the effort to visit him at his place?

Sounds like he is happy with just seeing you once per week. And you don't really figure in his life apart from that.

TurnipCake · 19/05/2017 17:42

Have you been to his place?

He definitely doesn't see your 'relationship' in the same way as you

LesisMiserable · 19/05/2017 18:09

The texting thing is neither here no there really. You see each other once a week for a shag I presume. You dont speak to each other on the phone etc. This isnt your partner unless you think thats as good as it gets.if you're not happy, move on.

category12 · 19/05/2017 18:10

He's not your DP. He's not bothered.

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 18:15

I've been to his place and will happily go over but I'm limited with baby sitters really.

The once a week thing has been happening for a couple of months but we did see more of each other to start with though.

He was quite full on to begin with. Was the first to do the Love You thing and even asked to move in after 5 months when it looked like he'd be working from my town (I said no, far far too soon for that and he seemed to understand/respect that)

He could stay at mine and easily travel to work. It's just that his job is a few streets from his house so anything else is a trip compared to that.

OP posts:

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 18:18

But yes, I guess his actions are saying it all aren't they?

I just don't know if I should make it clear I want more contact and not to be ignored or to call it quits. Seems like a trivial thing to end it over really.

OP posts:

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 18:20

And what I'm confused about is that he really lays it on when we are together about how perfect our time together is, how he's lucky to have me and loves me etc. But out of sight is apparently out of mind.

I hate any kind of game playing so I reply to his texts because I'm big on treating people how you'd want to be treated but I do wonder if I ignored him how he'd react.

OP posts:

Phoebefromfriends · 19/05/2017 18:30

I would sit him down and talk to him about this. It honestly doesn't sound that serious and the travelling to work thing sounds like a stupid excuse. I do wonder whether he's seeing someone else who might work away, are you sure he lived in his place alone?

user1490465531 · 19/05/2017 18:36

Actions speak louder than words! Never a truer saying!

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 18:37

I am sure that he lives alone. Of course, I can't be sure that he is texting others or meeting someone else but I have no reason to distrust him.

OP posts:

Beelzebop · 19/05/2017 18:41

I'd be worrying about him having another partner tbh. Is that possible? X

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 18:52

I am fairly certain there isn't anyone else because he doesn't seem the type. As in, I feel like he couldn't be bothered!

But I guess I wouldn't know exactly how he is spending his time every evening when he's not messaging me.

Up until recently it wasn't always the same day that he stayed over. He has spent a few days at a time here between contracts etc.

I really don't think it's someone else. But I suppose it doesn't matter given he's clearly not interested.

I just don't know how to go about raising it. He will proclaim his love and I'll feel silly I'm sure of it...

OP posts:

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 18:57

Ok... so now I'm really pissed off at him!

He's pretty much ignored me for two days. Hasn't replied to my last text for hours but has just commented on my facebook status to point out a spelling mistake I made..... GAH!

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 19/05/2017 18:57

Sorry but he claims love to stop you ltb. .
He is a fuck buddy you just don't realise it.
Find someone more worthy of your time. .

TurnipCake · 19/05/2017 18:58

Don't waste your time making someone a priority when they treat you like any option

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 19:16

You're right turnip

I just don't even know how to start the conversation.

OP posts:

GoatLePew · 19/05/2017 19:18

It's hard not to judge when presented with threads like yours OP.
I'm in a relatively unconventional relationship that has lasted now for 32 years (we're both single before anyone wonders!).
Knowing that some people think OH and I are 'odd' with our set up, I do try to be open minded about others.
But this just seems odd. It sounds as if you two don't even talk on the phone all, or even most, days. Is that right? It's just texting in between seeing each other once a week? And texts that he doesn't even bother to reply to?

category12 · 19/05/2017 19:18

"Look, I feel unhappy with the level of contact we have between seeing each other..."

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 19:37

GoatLePew you are right. We rarely actually talk on the phone. We met online so texting was how we started getting to know each other so it just kind of stuck.

We used to text all night and have evenings where we would watch the same thing at the same time and chat about it so texting is a normal thing for us.

He used to reply. It's just got more and more obvious that he can't be bothered.

And actually, I've not seen him this week so it'll be two weeks between his visits. Initially he seemed upset about this (neither can help this break and it's not common to have other plans we can't change)

OP posts:

Phoebefromfriends · 19/05/2017 19:41

Prioritise your happiness OP, be open and honest with him about how this makes you feel. I find it strange you don't just ring each other instead of texting all the time.

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GoatLePew · 19/05/2017 21:05

Sorry to read that OP.

phoebe is right.
You need to talk to him. I suppose he could have stuff going on that he hasn't told you about, emotional intimacy is difficult under circumstances like this. So you need to talk to him.
It sounds to me like he's cooling off but do talk it through with him and hopefully if there's something going on in his life that's causing him to behave like this, he'll tell you. Of course even if he is dealing with something stressful, you don't have to accept his continued behaviour which is rude.

MrsPeelyWaly · 19/05/2017 21:08

Im sorry OP but you come across as a means to scratch an itch.

You deserve more.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 19/05/2017 21:10

I had an ex like this. Turns out he'd fallen out of love with me but didn't bother to tell me.

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