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How do i trust him again??

(27 Posts)
Bones2017 Tue 16-May-17 23:50:28

So, I have another thread 'husband left and I have no closure'

He left early December after me discovering an EA. since Easter, he's been making all the right noises. He's not home. We've decided to hold the divorce for a while, make some us plans & reconnect. Then decide by autumn what we want.

But, every time he leaves here, I'm checking if he's online on whats app. Then I'm checking her status. That's got to be natural right? Do I just roll with it and see how things go?? Or do I ask him outright if it's over? I don't want to push him away as we're making good progress. Apart from my own demons I have no reason to think she's still around.

anxiousnow Tue 16-May-17 23:53:57

Glad he is doing all the right things. I think if you want to ask, then do so. He has to be prepared to answer. He's broken your trust and it takes a long time to get it back. Tell him that answering your questions is part of that. He has to be transparent about everything and volunteer info on his whereabouts etc. It's up to you on whether you can handle feeling like this. Hope it gets better option and sorry you are going through this.

anxiousnow Tue 16-May-17 23:54:56

Better soon*

Bones2017 Tue 16-May-17 23:58:44

He's telling me he loves me, calling me out pet names, seems eager to want to spend time with me. He texts me all the time we're apart and we've booked some trips. Maybe it's my demons I'm fighting. I don't know. He never seems to have his phone here. Maybe he's worried I'll think a beep is something it's not. I don't know. That's probably the only thing that's got me worried. But I'm concerned if I push this at the moment, he'll bolt. And we are doing so well.

WeeMcBeastie Wed 17-May-17 00:03:05

Sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't think you ever will. I don't think there is any point in asking him as he's unlikely to tell you the truth. Also, in my experience the 'checking up' didn't stop and I couldn't ever trust him again. I took him back after the first affair, he swore he would change but that didn't even last a year and he was back to his old self. He had another affair 3 years later (he still denies this) and it took another 18 months until I finally snapped and decided I'd had enough. My only regret is not ending the marriage the first time as I was miserable for the rest of the marriage. The suspicion and mistrust really eats away at you. Even if he was nice to me and we had periods when we were getting on 'well', I would remember what he'd done and get angry and upset. I have learnt two things; that I'm perfectly capable of managing on my own and that cheating is a deal breaker for me.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Wed 17-May-17 00:03:43

Maybe it's my demons I'm fighting

But I'm concerned if I push this at the moment, he'll bolt.

That's no way to live. This is not on you to forgive and forget. It's on him to be utterly transparent and do everything within his power to allow you to trust him again. If you can't talk about it for fear of rocking the boat it won't work out.

I have seen recommended on here a book by Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends which advises total openness to recover. Might be worth a look? I hope you are able to find happiness again soon, with or without him. flowers

anxiousnow Wed 17-May-17 00:04:54

But bones, being scared he'll bolt isn't anyway to be. I know it is hard. For it to work he truly has to want it to work and that includes putting up with your questions and doubts. Easter was only last month so it's not as if you'very had any time yet. It would be different if you were still checking whatsapp 5 years from now. One month after him leaving in December and only starting to make it up to you 4 months later. You are not over reacting. Where is his phone? Ask him. In my previous post I said he needs to be transparent but this also applies to you. Talk to him about how you feel. Explain. Ask him about his phone.

Bones2017 Wed 17-May-17 07:41:50

It's very early days in our reconciliation so I just don't want to scare him off just yet.

CaptainHarville Wed 17-May-17 07:51:44

He never has his phone? Seriously to me that would be a huge red flag. How quickly does he respond if you text him when he's not with you?

Bones2017 Wed 17-May-17 08:21:24

Pretty much straight away x

Bones2017 Wed 17-May-17 08:29:12

I never see his phone. It may be in his pocket. I'm not sure. I might just be paranoid

noego Wed 17-May-17 09:29:15

Those demons will never go away. You will end up paranoid and mentally ill. I don't want to sound harsh or negative and if you can Truthfully live that like that then I wish you well.

dontknowwhatcomesnext Wed 17-May-17 09:42:52

You trust him again by knowing that HE understands exactly what happened when he had an affair (what weakness, selfishness or need of HIS led him to do that) and why he won't go down the same path again when things are less than perfect. Feeling guilty, worrying about losing you, realising how much he loves you, etc. are not the right answers, by the way. Have you and he had counselling? I'm so, so skeptical that couples can get through it without it, because the usual shallow rubbish that people spout out about him not getting what he needed from the relationship just scratches the surface of how these things happen. Did you gain the confidence during your separation that you can survive without him if things don't work out? That is critical for YOUR esteem and your ability to see things objectively and assess risks.

And don't listen too closely to those that say you'll never trust again and should walk immediately. They may be right in one sense: You won't trust ANYONE (your husband or any new man) the same way you did before this. That's what this horrendous experience teaches us. But, to be honest, that's probably more an accurate reflection of reality than thinking people are always 100% trustworthy. Some are more than others, but nothing comes without risks. Your comfort, if it comes, will come from the confidence of knowing that your husband is fully aware of exactly what happened and why and your confidence that you also understand and will observe if things change and that you can survive just fine regardless. That will be true for anyone you're with.

HoHoHoHo Wed 17-May-17 09:52:50

I don't have any experience of this but the thing that struck me is that it's all so recent. You shouldn't expect yourself to be over it yet and you certainly shouldn't put pressure on yourself to feel sure about whether you want to get back together with him or not or to trust him again. Be kind to yourself to and give yourself time.

LesisMiserable Wed 17-May-17 10:02:54

He valued you so little he had an affair. He will inevitably value you even less for being soft enough to take him back. You can't love someone you dont value and I dont blame you if you cant trust him because he will comtinue or do it again and your compromises will get bigger and bigger.

category12 Wed 17-May-17 10:09:31

Honestly, don't put yourself through it. If you made the break, you would be able to see a way forward and heal. In my experience, the anxiety of checking up and lack of trust was worse than anything and we would get through and to a happy place and then he would fuck up again and we went in this horrible cycle. Ditched him and now I am far far happier and never spend my energy churning over these things.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 17-May-17 10:13:30

You have every right to ask him questions to put your mind at rest.

Sounds like you are on eggshells with him, and it really should be the other way round.

Bones2017 Wed 17-May-17 10:30:18

Don'tknow I had completely accepted the separation and he was the one that was down in the end seeing me be strong and able to move on.
I need to step back and continue to let him do the work.
I know I'm my heart I can be fine without him. And yes, I don't think I'd trust anyone not just him.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 17-May-17 10:33:58

Wow.

So, she dumped him at Easter then.

And now he's trying to worm his way back.

And you are still so far from getting your head around this that you're worried to even behave normally in case he 'bolts'?!

To answer your question: hopefully you won't necessarily learn to trust him again, because that would be silly - because so far all he has shown you is that he isn't trustworthy. As for having him back - he doesn't seem worth it to me, not at all, and he's done nothing so far except the very laziest, easiest of things (calling by pet names?!) to indicate to you that now he's at a loose end, he's willing to hook back up.

If he was even worth the first thought about trusting again, he'd be flinging his phone in your lap to search.

If you take him back - certainly if you roll over and are so afraid of even upsetting him that you won't even say how you feel - then you're just setting yourself up for this user to worm back in for some comfrot before finding the next 'emotional' affair.

Let him bolt!

FizzyGreenWater Wed 17-May-17 10:35:48

he was the one that was down in the end seeing me be strong and able to move on

-aha yes, this one usually really bothers the users. They like to think they've still got a backup plan.

I know I'm my heart I can be fine without him.

- Then do it. Seriously, that path promises FAR more of a secure happy future than letting this knob back in to turn you into a nervous wreck!

Bones2017 Wed 17-May-17 10:48:35

We've made some plans for the next few weeks. A trip away and some date nights. It's really feeing very positive. The only issue I have is the lack of phone when I see him.

Adora10 Wed 17-May-17 14:20:20

He's still not trustworthy then, hence you checking up, I'd advise you to let him go also; he's not worth the bloody stress and to hell with scaring him off, are you serious, he should be the one walking on egg shells and wondering what you are going to do; he's the cheat.

Honestly if you are concerned he will bolt, you're wasting your time.

SandyY2K Wed 17-May-17 16:33:21

My question would be why has it taken 4 months for him to try and reconcile?

This isn't a man who begged when you found out, he left.

I think that speaks volumes TBH.

I would have thought that prior to attempting to reconcile, he would have assured you it's over with her.

Has he done that? Have you asked why it's over?... And are you sure it wasn't more than an EA?

Bones2017 Wed 17-May-17 16:37:02

He's always been adamant that nothing but a flirty friendship happened.

Adora10 Wed 17-May-17 16:39:12

Well he would say that, they always minimise, why would he admit to anything more if you have no evidence, sorry but he sounds dodgy as.

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