pissed off with my scars!

[finnmcool]

Sorry, I am just bloody furious!!! I
put new light bulbs in my bedroom, so it's rather bright.
I'm taking my make up off and I can really see the scars on my forehead from that waste of skin! They are dents in my face. My nose is all out of shape and I have a purple scar down the middle of it, courtesy of him!
I've got burn marks on the back of my thighs from where I was held down and burnt.
This all happened seven years ago, but I am more angry and frustrated right now than I have been in a long time.
To remove the drip feed, that cunt emotionally abused me until the point I was suicidal. The physical abuse started and then the rapes.
I found my courage to report him to the police, but I couldn't follow it through. By the time it got to court, I was agoraphobic and I was just offered a screen in the courthouse.
All these years later, I am fucking furious!! And so frustrated!! He got off scott free because I developed mental health issues!!
Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I see what he did!
I don't know why I'm posting this; to off load and encourage anyone in a bad situation to get out!
It has taken me a lot of years to rebuild my life, but if I can do it, you can.
Finn thing is, if you meet me, you would never think I am a survivor of bullshit abuse;
Some of the lovely women on here know me. I feel safe and happy with my new crew
I'm just so bloody mad right now!!

[StripeyZazie]

[finnmcool]

Thank you Stripey

[finnmcool]

Oof! You know when you're so angry, you don't know what to do with yourself?

[TitaniasCloset]

I'm so sorry. Sounds like you have been through hell and back. My ex was an evil cunt too and just got away with it all due to my mental health issues. You are free now and can still make a beautiful life for yourself, but it will take time.

I don't believe that people just get away with things in life and have learned to leave things to God. But for years I used to get so furious remembering things that I couldn't sleep and would pace the floor at night with headphones on listening to music to distract myself. I don't recommend it as a strategy!

Get yourself put on a waiting list for long term therapy by hook or by crook. That really helped me but I had to fight to get the help I did.

I wonder if your Gp could refer you on for treatment for the scars?

Feel for you. Take care of yourself.

[finnmcool]

Titanias thank you so much for your input and kind words!
I have just been diagnosed with PTSD and I am now starting to get support.
It's a difficult road to walk isn't it?
Are you the same as me? I still feel ashamed and embarrassed; 3 years ago, I saw one of my rapists in Brent Cross shopping centre and I wet myself in fear.

[finnmcool]

Sorry, Titanias because my skin has 'healed' and it's 'just' scars and dents, my GP can't help me.

[Hidingtonothing]

I think you have every right to be angry but I also think that anger is actually a positive thing. It shows you've fought what he tried to do to you, you're still fighting, you know it was wrong so everything he tried to do to break your spirit didn't work. You're still here and have left him behind, you still have enough fire in you, enough belief in yourself to feel angry because he tried to break you. I think it's probably part of the process of healing, much like the stages of grief, and you will move on to the next stage when you are ready. Until then it's a matter of finding outlets for it, you know you can do that here anytime but I hope you have support in rl as well

[TitaniasCloset]

Its years on for me now and I'm not scared anymore or full of fury I can do nothing about. My PTSD symptoms are less and I have come a long way, but its been a long hard lonely journey. I wish i had reached out to a support group or something. I still could do this I suppose. I didn't find family or most friends much use. Having good friends to talk to is invaluable.

I'm just wondering if your Gp could refer you to a dermatologist for an opinion with a letter of support from your mental health team if you have one, or if those spiky derma roller things people use for acne might help, its a thought, but if focusing on the scars too much makes you ill then obviously ignore my suggestions. Especially if you are prone to self harm.

I still take medication and that has helped and as I said the long term psychological therapy was good too.

I think you are an amazingly strong woman. The things you mentioned sound horrendous.

[finnmcool]

Thank you Hiding yes, I am a stubborn old mare, I found my spirit and sense of humour.
To be honest, I don't talk about it in RL because I am so ashamed of myself for various reasons.
I'm ashamed because I didn't realise I was being emotionally abused until it was too late. I'm ashamed because I took beatings and repeated rapes. I'm ashamed because I showed fear and weakness in the shopping centre by wetting myself.
Logically, I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but psychologically I'm am a mess!
Thank you for your words of encouragement!
I wish you the best of luck on your journey

[finnmcool]

Titianas thank you for your honesty, I really appreciate it.
To be honest, focussing on my scars wouldn't be good for me right now.
However, when I'm feeling stronger, it's most definitely something to think about.
Thing is, the scars on my face have altered the way may face looks. My forehead has proper dents in it and my nose has been busted up to the maximum.
I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
Let's keep moving forward hey?

[TitaniasCloset]

One foot in front of the other, no matter how slowly some days.

[angryladyboobs]

The only thing that helps me when I'm that angry either a work out at karate or the gym.

And those scars, you have scars. It's nothing to be ashamed of. They don't make you weak, they show what you've overcome.

Use that anger productivity.

[tb]

Bio Oil can help with scars. Plus, it smells really nice and soothing. Would something like that help?

[louise55]

I know this probably won't help but try and see them as your bravery scars, you got out so be proud of yourself xxxx

[Imissmy0ldusername]

Bloody hell Finn! You've come through such a lot, and you are in the right place here. I think the pp recommendation to do something hitty in the gym sounds like what I would do (and have done in the past).

I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning

[finnmcool]

Thank you everybody! I really appreciate your support.
I think I will have to go to the gym and work it out.
Today is a new day, it's sunny and I feel a lot better for letting out how I was feeling. Thank you again for the advice and support

[Catinthecorner]

Please don't be ashamed of yourself. Fear is normal, not shame worthy. You would likely be dead now if you had stayed. You saved yourself.

In the story of your life you didn't get to be the princess, and that is shit if we're honest. But you did get to be the hero. You saved someone. Who cares if the someone you saved was yourself. Your life is just as valuable as any other.

I know I'm a stranger and what I think really doesn't matter, but I admire you hugely. It must have taken a huge amount of strength and courage to survive what you did and manage to get yourself out.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - I don't know what to say.
You've been through hell and back and survived.
You should be so so proud of yourself.
Certainly not ashamed.
But I've never been in your shoes so I really can't imagine what it must do to you.
I know however, that if a friend of mine had been through that I would sooo want her to confide in me and let me help if I could.
Even just sharing the burden.
You sound strong so you'll get there.
for you and (((((HUGS)))))
It made me well up reading that. There seem to be so many fucking cowardly bullying men out there it's truly frightening.

[finnmcool]

cat you're right! I am my own hero! I never looked at it like that before
hellsbells thank you for the and your kind words.
Thank you to all of you for everything you have said, it's made me feel much better and given me self belief. It will get better!

[finnmcool]

I didn't go to the gym, I planted some flowers instead!

[angryladyboobs]

They look lovely 😀

You can do my garden if you like!

I need all sorts going out front but I just hate getting muddy. (I have to shower before and after I clean the house!) 🤔😇

[hellsbellsmelons]

That pic made me smile.
Lovely flowers - so much more therapeutic than he gym!

[Only1scoop]

Your pots look gorgeous Op

As your life will be minus that evil cunt. I can sympathise with the anger and frustration, it's normal. Channel it into the nicer things in life like you clearly are doing.

[HepKestrel]

Beautiful pots!

Don't be ashamed of your scars. All they are is a sign of how strong you are.

[finnmcool]

Thank you again everyone
I have to say, I am delighted with my pots. I live in a flat and they are right next to back door. You so know I've been enjoying my morning cuppa on the back door step!
I've been thinking about why I got so angry the other night (other than the way too bright lighting!)
Regarding my diagnosis of PTSD, I've been told I have to re-visit the attacks with my CBT therapist. The thought of that fills me with complete dread.
I still have flashbacks, nightmares and very strong reactions to certain things.
I know I have to face it to get rid of it, but I really don't want to.
I don't want to have to talk through what happened and the feelings of helplessness I felt.
I don't know, sorry I'm ranting again!