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Trust issues or jumping to conclusions

(38 Posts)
Cocopop3003 Sun 07-May-17 08:47:00

Hello. I am very new to the forum but desperate for some advice, please.
I don't know what to think or do.
I am getting married in a few weeks time. I've been with my OH for over 5 years, been engaged 1 year and we've always lived together as met at uni. The last week or so he has been acting 'off'. I don't know whether this is because of the last stretch before the wedding and trying to tie loose ends together being quite time consuming and quite frankly boring. or because there is a genuine reason i should worry.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my OH pleasing himself under the duvet. I just laid there for a minute just to be sure this is what's happening. He had his phone and head under the duvet as well presumably watching porn. I sat up and said annoyed 'hope you're having fun'. To which he replied he was just playing and what's my problem. I went downstairs as was very annoyed and he was being very defensive about the situation. This wouldn't normally bother me but we literally had sex before going to bed.
So over the past week or so my OH has displayed many 'typical signs' of an affair. 1. Excessive messaging 2. Being secretive 3. Physically being there but being abscent. 4. Super motivated for the gym 5. When I wake up in the middle of the night, he is frequently awake and when I ask what he's still doing up he normally replies 'you are so annoyoing' and goes off to the toilet. 6. He told me that we should spend more time apart going out with our own friends 7. He planted the seed that he might have to go to a new branch of his office which means he will have to stay a night away.

I have 99% trust for my OH and I love him so much and I want to marry him but him being secretive gives me that 1% doubt. His phone and laptop are both password protected and when I jokingly say 'someone's popular ' when hes messaging a lot he always takes it the wrong way and calls me jealous.
I know all of the reasons he's been acting suspiciously can also be explained by the upcoming wedding like trying to get fitter, çhatting to best man etc and probably some stress but it's weird that it's all suddenly happened all at one in a space of a week.
I was thinking about going on his phone after 'catching him' last night but I don't want to be one of those girls!! Equally if I confront him he normally turns it around and somehow manages to make it sound like it's all my fault and my lack of trust. That would also further his view of me being jealous.
If I asked to go through his phone, he's not stupid, he would delete all the 'dodgy stuff' first.
We did have a frank chat about the trust issues before and I explained that it's him being so protective over his phone and laptop that gives me the 1% doubt but he replied wth something along the lines of 'this is my only privacy left. We are getting married but we don't need to know every single detail about each other'. I am not like that and he at times uses my phone or laptop BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
I just don't know what to think of all of the above or whether to do anything or not. Is it me jumping to conclusions? Have other people noticed their OH acting out of character just before the wedding?
Thanks for your opinions and suggestions in advance and sorry about the essay!

mendomyheadin Sun 07-May-17 09:40:02

I personally think it's weird for someone to be master-bating while watching porn laying next to your fiancé!! Wtf?

I wouldn't marry a man that did that, let alone all the other suspicions you have.

You can do better, this man will lie to you and cheat, I'm sure of it.

Get rid x

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 07-May-17 09:44:07

Sorry but that's gross. .
Very disrespectful and just gross.
All the rest is dodgy too. .

category12 Sun 07-May-17 09:45:52

It sounds like he has someone else on the side. I would postpone marrying.

Empireoftheclouds Sun 07-May-17 09:45:54

It wouldn't point toward cheating but is raising a red flag towards some sort of drug misuse

NeonGod73 Sun 07-May-17 09:55:25

Cancel the wedding. Now.

Cocopop3003 Sun 07-May-17 10:03:55

Thanks for your thoughts. I know that guys have much higher libido than women and so I'd much rather he masturbates than go off with another girl.
Epireoftheclouds - when you say it might be drug abuse, you mean like recreational? My OH does struggle with sleep in general as has a stressful job and finds it difficult to destress. Maybe pleasing himself helps him to go to sleep? What sort of signs of drug use do I need to look out for?

If he does have someone on the side what do I do? The wedding is too close to just postpone, based on some assumptions and no hard evidence! More to the point I do really love him and when things are good it's great and it's good a lot more than it is bad. I'm feeling sick and haven't really slept!

Empireoftheclouds Sun 07-May-17 10:06:07

when you say it might be drug abuse, you mean like recreational? possibly or steroids? You say he is over egging the gym as well

Cocopop3003 Sun 07-May-17 10:14:10

Oh I see. I don't think it would be steroids if anything. We both agreed we wanted to get slimmer for the honneymoon but haven't been doing that great. He's excuse is he's trying to get as much exercise in before the wedding to see if he can still get leaner.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-May-17 10:20:23

Its only too late to postpone or cancel the wedding when you've actually gone through with it. People do cancel weddings, you would not be the last person to do so. Do not go ahead and bury all this simply because your names have been printed on the wedding invites and the venue is booked.

I would seriously consider your own future within this relationship because its not looking at all good for you from here. What you have written about him would give any woman doubts to be honest and you are perhaps more into him than he is into you.

GoatLePew Sun 07-May-17 10:22:18

I'm not going to get into the discussion about sex drive or him 'pleasing' hmm himself. But 99% trust is not enough to marry someone.
Life events over the next 50 + years you're together may cause either of you to question your trust. That's normal. But don't go into marriage if you don't trust completely.

AhYerWill Sun 07-May-17 10:36:29

No man 'needs' to watch porn, or wank in bed just after having sex - that's just him being a twat. He also should be trying to reassure you if he's behaving unusually, rather than fucking with your head and making it out to be your problem. Even if whatever he is doing is innocent, the blaming and calling of names is not behaviour that indicates he is good partner material.

I strongly doubt his behaviour is innocent though and I'd not marry someone I didn't trust who didn't respect me.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 07-May-17 10:37:09

If you're in this much of a quandary with the wedding so close, I think you really need to get a look at his phone.

personally I think it's about an 80% chance you will find evidence of cheating or other dodgy behaviour and then you can call the wedding off.

It all does sound extremely suspicious.

BlondeB83 Sun 07-May-17 10:57:43

Red flags! I fear you may regret marrying this man if you go through with it. I agree with others, 99% trust is not enough to marry someone!

Cocopop3003 Sun 07-May-17 11:34:10

I haven't actually brought up any of the other things with him thinking I am just jumping to conclusions.
I'll speak with him today and say how I feel and see what he has to say to that.

FritzDonovan Sun 07-May-17 12:12:31

You do know that as soon as you raise this with him he will delete any dodgy stuff, don't you?

ImperialBlether Sun 07-May-17 12:15:50

Sorry but I think he's having an affair and I think she was sending him photos or texts while you were asleep, hence the solo action.

He wants to spend more time apart, OP - surely that is a massive red flag before you marry someone!

Cocopop3003 Sun 07-May-17 12:29:30

I just don't know what to do. Part of me want to just say he's been acting odd and say a few of the things that concern me and see what he comes back with but without actually telling him I'm worried he's cheating on me. But like you said I am risking him deleting any potential 'evidence'.
If I go on his phone and don't find anything and find that when he's been chatting it was his mates I will feel really stupid for doubting him.
Or if I go on the phone and find evidence then at least I know. But I might not even be able to get on his phone as password protected! What if he wakes up when I'm in the act?
Ahh too many unknowns! confused

Paperdoll16 Sun 07-May-17 12:40:11

Trust your instincts. Most women people are usually right.

If you ask him: he's going to deny any wrong doing because he's hardly going to put his hands in the air and say yes I'm up to no good. So that'll be the response whether he is or isn't.

If you leave it: you'll enter your marriage not knowing and still not trusting him. Hardly healthy grounds before many years of difficult times (pregnancies, little ones, loss of earning etc etc etc)

If you check his phone: you'll either find out something that may cause the breakdown of your relationship (but better before than afterwards). Or you'll be reassured that it wasn't anything to worry about.

I do think though that when once someone has collated enough red flags to make some bunting they're usually not far off the mark.

I've seen threads on here where men have affairs when they've just got married or just had a baby.

If it was me, I would want to know.

laurzj82 Sun 07-May-17 12:42:47

I would definitely want to look at that phone!

Hope he is just stressed about the wedding flowers

HildaOg Sun 07-May-17 13:01:46

Maybe sneak a look at his phone before jumping to conclusions about an affair. He may be protecting his phone out of a want for space and privacy, not necessarily because he's doing anything wrong. But you have to know for sure so check.

As for wanking in bed while you're asleep... If I didn't orgasm before sleep, I wouldn't sleep at all. It is the only thing that relaxes me enough to fall asleep. He may be so stressed from the upcoming wedding that it's harder than usual for him to sleep so he's wanking more to help relax himself. It would have been rude to wake you up.

HidingFromDD Sun 07-May-17 13:13:55

Having found out last night that my 'x'P was having an emotional affair, I'd say trust your instincts on this one. I'd been trying to ignore it as I do have trust issues from previous relationship, but was very careful not to make my problem his problem. I asked him last night and he admitted I was right. Only didn't get physical as they hadn't had the opportunity. If your instinct is screaming so strongly then I think you need to listen to it

TheNaze73 Sun 07-May-17 15:52:32

Great post HildaOg, totally mirrors my thoughts

Cocopop3003 Sun 07-May-17 16:33:46

Thanks for the all the support. Especially HildaOG. I do have some trust issues and there might be some red flags but I genuinely do trust him more than I don't (If that makes any sense).

We had a very long and honest chat with lots of crying and all is sorted now.
He explained he has been unable to sleep recently (a lot more than usual as sleep is normally a problem for my OH). He said that the last 1-2 weeks have been especially difficult and not so much stressful but busy and tedious with finalising wedding stuff etc. This lead to my OH becoming more distant and more sleepless. He had been up most of the night last night unable to sleep so he finally decided to wank to help him fall asleep. In regards to all other things he accepted he had been on his phone a lot more lately with his best man, ushers and his mates as all we seem to talk about is the wedding etc. He is very involved and we make all the decisions together (his choice I never pushed him to be this involved). He apologised and recognised he hasn't been the easiest to live with lately. As to cheating we had a honest discussion and he said that he doesn't need anyone else and all he wants is me so why would he compromise anything. He said he trusts me that if I wanted to move on and felt things were no longer working out I would tell him and then move on - as this is exactly what he would have done. He asked I give him some credit and stated that if he was truly having an affair he is a lot smarter and wouldn't show all those possible signs but be secretive about it. He said that had he found someone else there is no reason why he couldn't tell me and if that was the case he doesn't see any point of dragging the relationship out for the convenience. I said that perhaps he didn't want to cancel the wedding at such short notice or he didn't want the confrontation but he was firm in saying that it's not his style.
So basically we cried, we laughed and we were honest with each other. We decided we are both bat shit crazy and a perfect fit for each other. We are also in agreement to talk to each other more from now on... me about the insecurities and him about his sleeplessness/mental health.

So all is good. I am sure some of you will probably think I am naive and hes probably still cheating but I know my OH and I believe everything that he said. He also said he fully understands its not easy to fully trust him when he is being secretive about his phone and laptop but those two are his only privacy where he can just destress and he cannot ever see himself changing that. He said hes always been like this, not just with me but his family and friends (which is true cos he gets really touchy if anyone touches his phone) I feel so much better for talking it out together and moving past this. A few more tedious weeks ahead of us before the wedding (don't get me wrong we are both super excited but all the planning and coordinating is really getting boring now) but then we can go back to our usual selves and have a bit more fun together. Thanks again! smile

RoseOfSharyn Sun 07-May-17 17:02:26

But he still hasn't given you access to his phone/laptop? hmm

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