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Just found out dh been slating me to his family

(29 Posts)
jennyt19 Sat 29-Apr-17 22:21:26

On Friday I had a problem with 14 yr old DS. I asked him to do his h/w and he got me by the scruff of the neck and threw me into the bathroom. He's been violent towards me before and I've always struggled to get support from my dh. On Friday I called my dh as usual and of course he called my ds who gave him a sob story and my dh told me I should go home and talk to him as he's really upset and said I'd been unfair! I got really angry. I'd stormed out of the house by this time and was driving around aimlessly. My dh was on his way to work and promptly turned around. Anyway I eventually went back to the house and things this morning seemed to get back to normal. Still no apology from DS though.

This evening I took a call from my b in-law. He started the conversation by saying he don't want to take sides and that he felt really sorry for us. WTF!!! so I asked him what he was talking about. I thought he was talking about the way ds treated me but no - he had taken a call from his father who was livid with me. It seems my dh had phoned him and complained about me - I'm not too sure what about. I asked my brother-in-law what I'd done exactly and he wouldn't tell me!! He just said that his father was really angry.

I get on really well with my father in-law and I'm really fond of him. Now I feel really uncomfortable. I don't know what's been said behind my back and now it has probably gone right around the family and I don't know what to do.

My stand is that violence should not be tolerated and we should, as a family, all be standing against violence in all circumstances. As it stands my ds has been violent towards me and yet I'm being punished.

A friend of our asked my ds over to play 2 days ago and my dh insisted in the morning that he should go for a play despite the way he'd behaved towards me. I said he shouldn't go to which he said that he would drive him if I wouldn't. I just don't get it. It would seem that in my household violence is totally acceptable.

ImperialBlether Sat 29-Apr-17 22:23:22

That is really worrying.

How would your husband react if someone threw his mother into the bathroom?

jennyt19 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:48:05

Exactly. I just can't get over it. The thing is I don't know what he's said. My brother in-law couldn't tell me. My Father in-law is a reasonable man so whatever it was, it must have been really convincing. My dh is not a liar as such but he does tend to misinterpret things and when he's on this "I've been wronged" path nothing can stop him and nothing can convince him that he's not been treated badly.

DH has been suffering from some kind of skin infection - he's come out in lumps over his chin. Noone seems able to diagnose this and he's been to see a number of consultants. He's been on medication and now his hair is falling out - I'm not sure that the two are connected and neither is the doctor. The problem all he can talk about is this stupid skin problem. He's taken loads of time of work and seems on a permanent pity party which his family have been pampering to. My brother in-law seems to think DH is stressed which I'm pretty damn sure he is not. Having taken a month off work and still going to the pub and concerts and to the gym. He's even managed to play the odd game of tennis - whilst on sick leave. Yesterday he went with friends to watch Rugby and then went drinking with them - didn't get home till gone midnight. He doesn't even know what being stressed is!! When the episode with my ds erupted and I phoned my dh I think he took the view that I was being unreasonable expecting him to sort it out. He was on his way to work and immediately turned his car around (having only just gone back after about a month off for his skin problem). All I wanted him to do was have strong words with DS. Instead he phoned DS and DS gave him some stupid tearful sob story which convinced him that DS was right to throw me across the bathroom. My sister phoned shortly before or after and spoke to DS and she said DS sounded absolutely fine.

Meanwhile friends invited my DS over to play with their DS. They invited him via my DH and my DH insisted he went and said that if I didn't take him he would!!! I spoke to the father of my DS' friend and he was horrified at the way I'd been treated, told his wife who phoned me. We had a long chat about it. She was equally horrified and said she didn't think the consequences to DS were enough. Like me they both think violence is unacceptable.

Not sure how to take this forward. I'm wondering whether to call my father in-law and to discuss it with him but I'm nervous that may make things worse.

kittybiscuits Sun 30-Apr-17 07:57:18

Oh dear. This is all depressingly familiar. Your DS is being very much short-changed here because your husband is not backing you up or challenging his unacceptable behaviour so there are no proper sanctions. You must feel very let down yourself. It's also horrendous to know you have been talked/lied about and not to know what has been said. I have been in a similar situation but the undermining/lack of consequences for terrible behaviour went on for years and has had terrible and serious consequences. Have you got support? Family or friends? Would you think about couple counselling? (Only if your husband is not abusive). I'm not sure about you talking to your FIL. How do you usually get on? I'm sorry - your H has behaved terribly.

annandale Sun 30-Apr-17 08:01:19

It seems that you are both getting support outside the marriage and focusing on how shit the other is, when the focus should be on what the HELL is going on with a 14 year old who assaults his.mother.

I have a 13 year old and have not faced this, but am trying to imagine what I would do. Police feels extreme. I think perhaps the GP? Talk to your son. This is not 'unacceptable', it is criminal. Yes an apology and grounding, but it is not normal for a child to be violent.

Further down the line you can talk about what your dh said to your FIL and what's going on with a guy who has been off work for over 4 weeks. Is this a factor in ds going off the rails? Are you at work? What's happening while they are at home together?

Thinkingblonde Sun 30-Apr-17 08:02:24

Your son is 14 and has been violent with you twice yet your in laws are livid with you?
I think you need to go and see your in laws to ask what's been said.
This 'he said, she said' situation needs sorting out. Do they know about the violence?
Your son is of the age of criminal responsibility, by not involving the police after him assaulting you and his father are letting him think he can push people around and he can do it again.
Stand up for yourself op, no one else will.

NurseButtercup Sun 30-Apr-17 08:10:25

I didn't want to read and run.

You're not wrong in anything you've said, the violence you've experienced from your son isn't acceptable. I'm sorry and sad that the men who should be supporting you are minimising your son's behaviour as acceptable.

I don't have any children of my own, but have plenty of godsons and nephews. None of them would have done this to their moms (they weren't angels), but if they had it would have not been minimised by the dad, uncles, grandfathers.

You're doing the right thing by talking about it and telling people.

Somebody will come along with some very good advice.

Look after yourself.

abbsisspartacus Sun 30-Apr-17 08:24:27

Yes I would ring my fil and politely ask him why everyone thinks it's ok to be attacked like this ?

Next time call the police not your husband

peggyundercrackers Sun 30-Apr-17 08:46:04

I would go round to in laws and ask whats been said. I would also confront DH to find out what hes been saying. As for your DS - he needs told what he is doing is unacceptable - any more and hes out on his ear - and mean it. if DH didn't back you up can you move out for a bit to he understands the gravity of it.

Quickieat2 Sun 30-Apr-17 08:51:29

Yes ring him and say that you hear he's furious and you wonder why.

Personally I'd report the incident with your son to the police.

debbs77 Sun 30-Apr-17 08:52:50

No advice really but I would call the police. Explain the situation and ask them to come to talk to your son AND husband about the seriousness of what he has done. About how it is assault and next time would land him in prison.

ArtemisiaGentilleschi Sun 30-Apr-17 08:55:49

Annandale has it here.
I guess your husband is telling his family his version, you can't control your son, you storm out of the house, he has to come home from work.
All true, and all results of a serious problem..a violent teenager who assaults his mother. You all need to be on the same sheet here and get some help. From outside the family I guess.

Berthatydfil Sun 30-Apr-17 09:05:23

That is assault.
I have 2 ds both older now but if either had done that to me I wouldn't be expecting my dh and ils to be minimising it.
Both at that age had a few moments of hot temper with dh (never me) which usually ended in tears and I attributed them to hormones. But they never got physically violent.
You say he has been violent to you before so I think you must consider going to the police and also seeking support for you in managing him and for him and his anger issues. Would women's aid be able to help you.?
It's worrying because at 14 he's only going to get bigger and stronger and there is a real risk he could hurt you.

Bluntness100 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:12:15

What I don't understand is nowhere in this do you say you sat down with your husband and asked him what he said. Have you? And if so what did he say?

Bluntness100 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:15:12

Violence is never acceptable.

What is the sob story your son told his father? Could it be this that's causing rhe upset? And why do you not sound sympathetic to your husbands illness. Coming out in lumps, your hair falling out and being off sick for a month sounds awful.

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:34:50

There are two very serious issues here:

Your son behaving violently towards you.
Your Husband's lack of support in this disturbing matter.

I'm not sure which one is worse, but I imagine there's a link between the two You need to filter out the opinions of family members, it's none of their business.You need some advice, support and intervention from a third party. Please don't brush this under the carpet, or else the problem will escalate.

lizzyj4 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:36:28

I'm going to be a bit of a devil's advocate here - you say that your husband has been slating you to his family, but you have been doing exactly the same thing (i.e. telling your side of it) to the parents of your DS's friend. Neither of those things is appropriate or helpful.

You urgently need to get some help as a family - this is not about 'taking sides'; it is not even a DS problem, it is a family problem, a very serious one. Of course, it is not acceptable for your DS to be violent towards you and I totally agree that you need to have a single family strategy going forward. But coming down like a tonne of bricks on your DS is just going to make him more alienated and further exacerbate the problem. Neither is your husband's approach, which seems to be to put his head in the sand about it, going to help.

You should not be calling the police and potentially criminalising your son at such a young age unless you have tried every other option, including looking very closely at your own behaviour first. You should be arranging family counselling as a matter of urgency.

Questions I would want to ask include:

- What was happening when your DS reacted violently. Why did the situation escalate to that?

- Has he somehow learned that reacting violently is an appropriate response to feeling angry/frustrated? If so, how?

- Has he been violent in other settings (at school/with friends) or is it specific to you? If so, you need to work out why?

- Is it possible that he has an (undiagnosed) developmental or cognitive problem of some kind that makes it more difficult for him to deal with frustration appropriately?

FrenchMartiniTime Sun 30-Apr-17 09:36:45

I don't think the issue here is that your DH has spoken to his family behind your back.

I'm more concerned that your DH allows your teenage son to physically attack you and stands aside, that's really worrying. Has your husband ever been physically abusive with you?

When your son lashes out what punishment does he receive? Does he know that attacking people is wrong and there are serious consequences. I would worry that he sees this behaviour as normal and that he may abuse a future partner in the future in the same way.

It sounds like an awful situation. I honestly can't believe that your family think it's ok for your son to assault you, is there anyone you can turn to for support as your husband seems to condone violence against his wife sad

Quickieat2 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:38:31

If you don't have the support of your husband, it's particularly important to involve the police so that they have clarity.

Bluntness100 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:40:35

I want to know what the son has said that has caused them all to think what he did was reasonable. What did he say you did op that they are all rallying round him like this? It's very unusual for a son to attack his mother over just being told to do his homework and everyone to get angry with you.

SandyY2K Sun 30-Apr-17 09:49:13

Your son's behaviour is totally unacceptable and your DH should be working with you. TBH more than being slated to his family, I'd be furious that he hasn't brought your DS in line.

That teaches your son that he can disrespect and be violent towards you with no consequences and his dad is okay with it.

You'll loose (probably already lost ) respect in your son's eyes, because he sees that his dad believes him and not you.

Why isn't that the main issue for you?

In relation to his family, I'd phone your FIL and tell him that you got a call from BIL..that you don't know what's been said, but explain the incident with your DS.

annandale Sun 30-Apr-17 10:16:30

What lizzy said, exactly.

babyinarms Sun 30-Apr-17 10:28:26

Your son has assaulted you. If this isn't dealt with now and he doesn't see cosequences for his actions , this will escalate.
How come your dh can't see this? Why is this acceptable behaviour ?
You have done nothing wrong but you need support.
You need to talk to your dh and explain how this attack made you feel and how you fear for ds future if he's allowed to behave like this. Also talk to fil and give him your side of the story.
Your ds may well need intervention like anger management or mental health evaluation to help him cope too.
So sorry you're going through this. I have a 12 year old ds and can only imagine how hurt, shocked and list I'd feel if he did this to me.

jennyt19 Sun 30-Apr-17 12:17:59

Lizzy - I told my ds friends father because my dh had arranged for ds to go to their house for a sleepover and I needed to explain why I didn't think it was appropriate. I didn't discuss the details only that he'd been violent towards me. I wouldn't have discussed it with them otherwise and I can't think how else I should have dealt with it. They'd have asked questions if I'd just said no.

All I had done is politely and calmly asked my ds to do his homework and he flipped. I can't think how else I should have spoken to him.

kittybiscuits Sun 30-Apr-17 12:40:49

Please don't doubt yourself. flowers

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