Forgotten my birthday 2nd time

[Tinky96]

Tomorrow is my birthday. I know my OH of 12 years has forgotten. He's done it before. There are no cards and no mention of anything. I'm sat here drinking and asking him to deal with kids tonight as I'd like to enjoy myself and all he can say is "it's your job I need to relax before I go back to work"
What would you do?

[GooodMythicalMorning]

Mention it. Dont let it go unnoticed.

[ImperialBlether]

How old are your children?

[Tinky96]

All under 6. I shouldn't have to mention it. Things aren't good between us anyway and this is the icing on the cake.

[Piratesandpants]

Oh for heavens sake just say 'it's my birthday tomorrow. I do hope you haven't forgotten' or something... Rather than just speculating and seething..

[Tinky96]

Three kids under 6. 1 yr old baby with neurological issues I'm dealing with on my own. Sheilding from him as he can't cope with it.

[FlouncingInTheRain]

Don't be a martyr. State something i.e. as its my birthday tomorrow I'm ordering takeaway for,tea and wont be doing any dishes, laundry, unnecessary domestic chores.

Do something indulgent for you. You are worth it. You don't need someone else to validate that. You can instigate the celebration of you.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Sheilding him for the responsibilities of his own dc isn't helping any of you. . You are creating a him /you +dc family not a team.
Remind him it's your birthday and offer to make tea for just the two of you when the dc are in bed and discuss how you can help each other more and work together with the dc. Or you are going to just get further and further apart.

[Trustyourself2]

If he doesn't remember your birthday tomorrow, tell him that you're taking yourself out to lunch and also to buy yourself a pressie, and tell him that you'll be back later to discuss your floundering relationship. If he's back at work tomorrow, then take yourself out to dinner instead and discuss things when he's back from work the following day.

You can't continue with things as they are. You'll end up very ill, if you do.

[TokenGinger]

Men are shit with dates. They just are. My dad still needs continuous reminders for all 3 of his children despite the fact he's had 30 years to remember.

Tell him.

Address the bigger issues in your relationship, though.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your partner isn't a mind reader. Start communicating like a grown-up.

[HeddaGarbled]

I was sympathetic after your OP but your follow up post is a game changer.

If you are genuinely keeping your child's neurological difficulties secret from the child's father you are doing an awful, terrible thing. That's not "shielding", that's bizarre dishonesty.

[Avioleta]

What issues are you 'shielding' him from? He's a grown up, surely? Why is it up to you to decide what he can and cannot cope with? It's odd and infantilising behaviour on your part.

[kittybiscuits]

'He isn't a mind reader' - no he's a full grown adult who knows when OP's birthday is because it falls on the same day every year. He sounds fucking awful OP.

[sucue]

Happy Birthday Tinky. Hope it's a nice one, but if it's not perhaps you could start working towards being in a better place in a years time.

[InfiniteSheldon]

My dh adores me our relationship is fantastic, he has no clue when my birthday is, or our anniversary or dc birthdays I give him a countdown and reminders and we all get spoilt rotten. Remind him you are being a martyr and making th I vs worse between you.

[DevelopingDetritus]

There's no excuse for forgetting a supposed loved ones birthday, especially these days with the ability to put reminders in phones, and if not put it on a good old fashioned calendar. The whole set up with your man OP sounds awful though, forgetting your birthday sounds the least of the issues.

[Bobbins43]

I don't understand why it's OK for men to just be crap with dates. It's not an excuse. It just means women end up shouldering all the emotional labour too.

Am sorry, OP. Please do go and do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

[SecretLimonadeDrinker]

Happy birthday Tinky! 🍰🍷

Hope you have a good day. Re the forgetting, my birthday has been forgotten a few times. I made him put it in the calendar on his phone and a reminder the week before.

Sounds like you have other issues though, hope you can find a way to achieve a better balance.

[SandyY2K]

The birthday isn't really the problem here. He doesn't sound like a good partner and you shouldn't be have up to three DC with a man like this.

Or was he okay and just become so unhelpful recently?

[Chloe84]

I think forgetting your birthday is the least of your worries.

He expects you to all the work so he can relax. When do you get to relax?

You have to shield him from your baby's health issues.

I would give an ultimatum to sort his shit out (he does fair share of childcare and housework when he is home and take interest in baby's health) or he gets out.

[Chloe84]

Aquamarine

ODFOD

[Bluntness100]

What do you mean you are shielding him from the neurological issues your child has please?

And why are you playing the martyr and not saying anything. Just say it's your birthday.

[AddToBasket]

No-one likes a martyr, sorry about that.

I don't mean to be harsh but you are storing resentment and it is very bad for your relationship. Let him know, gently, in advance, the things he might forget. Stop shielding him. Start working as a team and ask him to think of ways he can do the same.

[kittybiscuits]

Yeah work as a team. And try and work out how to get him to do it as well. Stop shielding him. Warn him when your birthday is coming. That's all quite a confusing message TBH

[SeaCabbage]

In cases like this , how come the issue is never discussed in the week leading up to the birthday? Wouldn't it be natural to say hey it's my birthday on Monday and I would like to go to x place. What do you think? What are these households where it just isn't mentioned?

BTW your dh sounds horrible.