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DH has ended it. Not a total surprise so why am I so broken? Maybe posting will make it feel more real.(49 Posts)
Long time lurker. Seen good advice on here. Not sure what I am hoping to get from this. Maybe by writing it I will feel less alone and it will feel more real. I want to give a balanced account and admit that I am to blame and know this is not all in his camp. I feel raw and am crying at breaks during my day when I can and I feel totally crushed but need to start on the road to something other than despair. I hate feeling like this and would appreciate any support.
Been together for 16 years, married for half. 2 DC- 4 and under. Am 38. Both work though I work more (full time). He has always been someone who enjoys his own company and interests- both of which I was and am fine with- have supported interests both in terms of time and money. Years ago following bereavement of close family I found I enjoyed affection rather than sex and I realise now (also from reading on here) how hard that was for him. It was never my intention to reject him but I understand that is how he felt. We went to counselling and we agreed that we would work on this and that he would also do more (and I mean anything) around the house, our relationship, making an effort etc- none of which he was doing and it left me feeling less attracted to him and more exhausted.
Things improved but with the arrival of 2 young children I was left to do more and more. He has a health condition so guards his sleep. Leaving me to do all night waking and feeding etc- taking himself to the spare room so as not to be disturbed and never moved out again despite me asking him several times to and despite the DC rarely being up. I do everything- working (stressful job), dealing with all house everything despite asking and directing him to even take on some jobs. I do everything and it is not out of choice or control- it just would not happen otherwise.
For the last 2 years he has said on and off that he wishes the children were not here and at times is very impatient with them. When I see he is tired or struggling I take on even more- taking the children out etc and giving him entire days etc to himself. He has continued with hobbies and interests and added to them. I notice that his possessions have increased while I do not even have enough clothes. We have significant debt that we are paying off every month- this is down to me- he would ignore it. Even if we pay over and above what we can afford realistically it will take well over a year and our house is needing things done to it.
Sorry I am rambling on. Last week he was really impatient and called the youngest DC a name- now this is a red rag to me. I can handle being the subject of his moods etc but I did not have that as a child and neither should my DC. DC was just taking longer to settle than usual- we have lovely DC and he has zip patience at all. I spoke to him afterwards and said it was not on and we have been here before and is this what he really wants for the DC. There followed a long conversation with tears from both sides. He said that he recognises that he has been vile to me for the past 6 months and he is sorry for this. He thought he would be mature enough to manage his emotions better and he is sorry he didn't. Of course you don't me but I am someone who makes the best of whatever comes my way. I am able to look at myself and give myself a wake up call when I should be better. If I could help you I would. Even putting a shine on it he has been vile to me over the past 6 months, rude, nasty for no reason, puts me down and has been spending as little time as possible with me and the DC. He had another health scare and while it was not the bad news he expected he said that he knows he no longer wants to be with me. Does not feel the same for me- no sparkle- admits that at times he looks at me and hates me. Said sorry that he is not able to do this and that he does not enjoy being a father and knows that while people will think little of him for walking away he just can't bear it anymore.
I have not had my head in the sand- we have not had sex since our youngest came. He avoids any attempts I make to have some time together- he remains in the spare room but is in another room as soon as the DC are in bed. Friends have commented on how selfish he is- I have always defended him. I should have paid more attention to his feelings years ago and I told him that- I said sorry I did not do more and I am sorry we are here but I had a glimmer of hope we could be a couple again with the relationship that it brings. I asked if there is someone else (based on reading here) and he said no. He has known for 6 months now that he wants no relationship with me even though I am his best friend. I know he hates that I have gained weight since the babies and that has always been reason why he does not to be intimate with me. I have lost over a stone in the past 6 months which is acknowledged but says it is too late. I hoped we could get the speak back and was showing in actions that I care for him and was carving out time together (rejected by him). He says that is not how he looks at things and that it is too late. While I hoped for the spark to return in all honesty I did not ever picture what that would even look like. I admit it is hard to feel affection towards someone who has been so horrible to me and willing to sit back while I work all the time.
I have a lovely family and friends but I don't feel able to tell them. I am unsure I can cope with their anger and disappointment right now. I never think someone has failed when they have seperated/ divorced but I feel I have failed- most of all I feel I have failed my DC and when I think they could be away from me regularly I just start crying all over again. I can't believe it has come to this- yet it is hardly shocking. He said he may be a better father when away from me.
He told me I am kinder and stronger than him and this may be a massive regret on his part and that he may be ill and grumpy and you know I cried for him and I know I should be putting DC and I first here not his feelings. It has been about him and supporting him for too long and where has it got me.
I am so sorry this is so long and you know I don't even think I have even said it right. I have found the last week so difficult but we have to live together until debts are paid off so I have not told anyone- yet seeing family etc feels like living a lie. Once I tell others its out and that is it but I feel so lonely and feel like I have failed my DC so badly and am sat here yet again in floods of tears and I don't know how to make this better.
Which part of it are you to blame for exactly....? He doesn't sound brilliant OP but I am so so so sorry for you. You must feel like you're breaking inside. Massive hugs
He sounds horrible OP. I'm not surprised you didn't want sex with him if you have been doing everything round the house, he sounds like a deadweight. You've given this relationship your best shot, and you've said that you wouldn't regard anyone else as a favour so give yourself a break.
It's totally normal to mourn at the end of the relationship. That doesn't mean that it's the wrong decision to end it.
CrispPacket thank you so much. that meant more than you know. I feel so sad. I look at my DC and i think what have I done to you. I love them more than I can say.
Boring U- my family will be so disappointed for me and the kids and what could be ahead. they will support me but why do i feel like i have let everyone down
Oh why on earth are you blaming yourself, stop that right now
You need support to cope with this person. Time to get it out IRL. It's time.
It doesn't matter who is disappointed. Don't shoulder the blame for this - he could have been a lot better and he wasn't.
So, it's a fact, it's happening, it hurts.
What you're doing for your children is carrying on, being the best mother you can, in the circumstances in which you find yourself. That's what they need and expect. You haven't failed them. Relationships break down, that's how it goes.
Be sure you have proper legal advice asap. He will try to take advantage if he can.
Op nothing in that post suggests you are to blame at all. In fact, he sounds useless and not very nice. If you are working, looking after dc and doing the housework, what exactly has he been doing?
The only person who's failed here is him. Failed to be an equal partner. Failed to be a decent parent.
I think he's done you a favour.
You're living like a single parent with someone being an arsehole to you on top. Life will be a lot easier without him.
He sounds selfish. Don't blame yourself, you work full time, look after everything.
One thing I found after exH went is that everything is so so much easier, so much calmer and organised. You'll love it.
Please stop torturing yourself, you are not to blame. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please consider talking to at least one person outside of MN so you don't feel alone.
You sound like you are an amazing mum and you are not failing your dc. You're the one who is there for them, supporting and caring for them in spite of the lack of support from your dh. There are many different types of family and just because the traditional accepted 'normal' hasnt worked out because of your dh does not mean that you have failed your dc. Mourning the loss of your marriage and hoped for family unit is absolutely normal, and even necessary. As this grief fades ... it will ... I wouldnt mind betting that your strength and positivity builds a new 'normal' that blossoms without your awful dh to bring you down.
Elephant you are right and i know it deep down. It is a fact, it is happening and it hurts like hell but I will be the best mother I can. I need to really and I mean really understand that there is nothing more I can do, there is nothing more I can try and that it really is over and that is taking time to sink in. Fruit essentially he has been working 3 days a week and pursuing hobbies/ arsing about. He is worried about his family who live a distance away so he keeps in contact but yes this does not take up much real time. He said that whenever I talk about things that need sorted/ money etc he just switches off- not interested as so much of his effort has gone into holding it together. I do think he meant it when he said he is sorry and I did too. Perhaps if I paid more attention to his feeling years ago and wakened with a size 8 body it would have made a difference but you know I do know then it would have only been me making changes not him. he was responsible too. I keep telling myself when I cry myself to sleep that I am strong and I will get through this,
Sending you a virtual hug OP - so sorry you're going through this. I second what Elephant said - you haven't done anything to your DC & haven't failed them. You sound a lovely mum & will no doubt keep doing your very best for them; that may take a different shape than you imagined but everyone may be happier for it when things shake down. Best of luck with it all. Be kind to yourself. I hope you get good support in real life 💐
Perhaps if I paid more attention to his feeling years ago and wakened with a size 8 body it would have made a difference but you know I do know then it would have only been me making changes not him
Perhaps if he hadn't been monstrously selfish self-centred arsehole things would have been different. But he is.
You've done the best you can, but can't make a marriage work single-handedly.
He sounds an absolute waste of space OP. And you sound like a real diamond. He doesn't deserve you.
I should have seen the red flag when my now ex husband used to avoid doing things with me. We shared no interests in common. We didn't have sex after having our Dc. Beginning of a long drawn out end. He has turned even more unpleasant after our divorce. So sorry for the end of your relationship but he does sound a dead weight. If possible, I would go for a clean break it at all possible.,
You probably won't realise it for a while but this is where your new better life began.
You deserve so much more than this man. He truly has done you a massive favour.
You now have a chance to be happy with someone worth your love.
He wasn't like this at the start. If he was you wouldn't have picked him! But he has slowly, bit by bit, worked up to this. You've enabled it by being so apologetic, caring and bloody lovely it sounds. He is a selfish twat.
And now here you are. Worrying yourself sick over your dc and their future, him, your family. Take a step back. Take it in bite size chunks. Day at a time. It is not going to be easy but you will be much better off in time. You are not the one in the wrong here. I can't imagine another woman I know in real life putting up with what you have.
I really wish you could see your worth.
So very sorry you are in this place Crying
The people who love you will be sad for you, and then will help you get through this and make a better life for you and DC. You sound like a really lovely mum, and lovely person. Please take care of you
I'm not seeing what you're to blame for here TBH. It sounds like you've shouldered the majority of parenting and running the house while he's carried on as if he had no responsibilities at all.
Thank you everyone. I appreciate all your messages. I wish we did not have debts but we need to clear them and that is before we can even think of having seperate houses. I know I need to make a huge shift in my thinking- when I felt sorry for him and what this means for him I know it is crazy when he is rejecting us. I work with people. I like people. I feel so alone. We are due to see my family this summer and it feels like a lie going over as we are presenting to others. I don't want to ask for help with money- we got into debt and we are getting out of it. We need to be responsible for that but I think the next move would be easier without this worry.
I am reading and taking on all you have taken the time to write and I appreciate it. I really do. In trying to help support him he has disliked me more. That is not my fault and I need to really move on- big head shift but it will take time I guess.
What an absolute lazy waste of space sorry excuse for a man!! And self pitying too! Seriously, you can now breathe a sigh of relief . If you have any doubts, think if roles were reversed...If you worked for only 3 days...Would you sit and watch and not lift a finger whilst he did all the childcare and housework and worried about finances and debts. Would you spend your free time doing your hobbies instead of helping him??
You arent to blame op but i do think people are ao easy to say your dh ia horrible he sounds like hes had pnd since your children came me and my husband have both atruggles to adjust to being parents mu husband once called our baby a name and i hit the ceiling but i stated to realise he wasnt coping with parenthood we both adore our child but life has be hard since. Would he go to the dr? Ppl are so quick to judge men ita like cos they dont give birth they have no right to struggle. You sound amazing x
It's time he got off his lazy arse, put his hobbies to one side and worked 7 days a week so you can clear the debts quickly and begin your new better life.
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