Long time lurker. Seen good advice on here. Not sure what I am hoping to get from this. Maybe by writing it I will feel less alone and it will feel more real. I want to give a balanced account and admit that I am to blame and know this is not all in his camp. I feel raw and am crying at breaks during my day when I can and I feel totally crushed but need to start on the road to something other than despair. I hate feeling like this and would appreciate any support.
Been together for 16 years, married for half. 2 DC- 4 and under. Am 38. Both work though I work more (full time). He has always been someone who enjoys his own company and interests- both of which I was and am fine with- have supported interests both in terms of time and money. Years ago following bereavement of close family I found I enjoyed affection rather than sex and I realise now (also from reading on here) how hard that was for him. It was never my intention to reject him but I understand that is how he felt. We went to counselling and we agreed that we would work on this and that he would also do more (and I mean anything) around the house, our relationship, making an effort etc- none of which he was doing and it left me feeling less attracted to him and more exhausted.
Things improved but with the arrival of 2 young children I was left to do more and more. He has a health condition so guards his sleep. Leaving me to do all night waking and feeding etc- taking himself to the spare room so as not to be disturbed and never moved out again despite me asking him several times to and despite the DC rarely being up. I do everything- working (stressful job), dealing with all house everything despite asking and directing him to even take on some jobs. I do everything and it is not out of choice or control- it just would not happen otherwise.
For the last 2 years he has said on and off that he wishes the children were not here and at times is very impatient with them. When I see he is tired or struggling I take on even more- taking the children out etc and giving him entire days etc to himself. He has continued with hobbies and interests and added to them. I notice that his possessions have increased while I do not even have enough clothes. We have significant debt that we are paying off every month- this is down to me- he would ignore it. Even if we pay over and above what we can afford realistically it will take well over a year and our house is needing things done to it.
Sorry I am rambling on. Last week he was really impatient and called the youngest DC a name- now this is a red rag to me. I can handle being the subject of his moods etc but I did not have that as a child and neither should my DC. DC was just taking longer to settle than usual- we have lovely DC and he has zip patience at all. I spoke to him afterwards and said it was not on and we have been here before and is this what he really wants for the DC. There followed a long conversation with tears from both sides. He said that he recognises that he has been vile to me for the past 6 months and he is sorry for this. He thought he would be mature enough to manage his emotions better and he is sorry he didn't. Of course you don't me but I am someone who makes the best of whatever comes my way. I am able to look at myself and give myself a wake up call when I should be better. If I could help you I would. Even putting a shine on it he has been vile to me over the past 6 months, rude, nasty for no reason, puts me down and has been spending as little time as possible with me and the DC. He had another health scare and while it was not the bad news he expected he said that he knows he no longer wants to be with me. Does not feel the same for me- no sparkle- admits that at times he looks at me and hates me. Said sorry that he is not able to do this and that he does not enjoy being a father and knows that while people will think little of him for walking away he just can't bear it anymore.
I have not had my head in the sand- we have not had sex since our youngest came. He avoids any attempts I make to have some time together- he remains in the spare room but is in another room as soon as the DC are in bed. Friends have commented on how selfish he is- I have always defended him. I should have paid more attention to his feelings years ago and I told him that- I said sorry I did not do more and I am sorry we are here but I had a glimmer of hope we could be a couple again with the relationship that it brings. I asked if there is someone else (based on reading here) and he said no. He has known for 6 months now that he wants no relationship with me even though I am his best friend. I know he hates that I have gained weight since the babies and that has always been reason why he does not to be intimate with me. I have lost over a stone in the past 6 months which is acknowledged but says it is too late. I hoped we could get the speak back and was showing in actions that I care for him and was carving out time together (rejected by him). He says that is not how he looks at things and that it is too late. While I hoped for the spark to return in all honesty I did not ever picture what that would even look like. I admit it is hard to feel affection towards someone who has been so horrible to me and willing to sit back while I work all the time.
I have a lovely family and friends but I don't feel able to tell them. I am unsure I can cope with their anger and disappointment right now. I never think someone has failed when they have seperated/ divorced but I feel I have failed- most of all I feel I have failed my DC and when I think they could be away from me regularly I just start crying all over again. I can't believe it has come to this- yet it is hardly shocking. He said he may be a better father when away from me.
He told me I am kinder and stronger than him and this may be a massive regret on his part and that he may be ill and grumpy and you know I cried for him and I know I should be putting DC and I first here not his feelings. It has been about him and supporting him for too long and where has it got me.
I am so sorry this is so long and you know I don't even think I have even said it right. I have found the last week so difficult but we have to live together until debts are paid off so I have not told anyone- yet seeing family etc feels like living a lie. Once I tell others its out and that is it but I feel so lonely and feel like I have failed my DC so badly and am sat here yet again in floods of tears and I don't know how to make this better.
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Relationships
DH has ended it. Not a total surprise so why am I so broken? Maybe posting will make it feel more real.
cryinginthebreaks · 05/04/2017 21:53
Oh why on earth are you blaming yourself, stop that right now 
You need support to cope with this person. Time to get it out IRL. It's time.
It doesn't matter who is disappointed. Don't shoulder the blame for this - he could have been a lot better and he wasn't.
So, it's a fact, it's happening, it hurts.
What you're doing for your children is carrying on, being the best mother you can, in the circumstances in which you find yourself. That's what they need and expect. You haven't failed them. Relationships break down, that's how it goes.
Be sure you have proper legal advice asap. He will try to take advantage if he can.
Please stop torturing yourself, you are not to blame. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please consider talking to at least one person outside of MN so you don't feel alone.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
So very sorry you are in this place Crying
The people who love you will be sad for you, and then will help you get through this and make a better life for you and DC. You sound like a really lovely mum, and lovely person. Please take care of you
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