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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need an outside perspective

43 replies

silverlin · 03/04/2017 21:25

Me and my exP/DP have been trying to get back together.

We were together for almost 5 years, have a DD together. We split up almost a year ago, and have tried a few times to 'sort things out'.

The main things we seem to fail at, is he doesn't feel loved/wanted. I feel like I can't do anything right, am always letting him down, sometimes he is overbearing (I like my own space)

Yesterday we came back to mine from a day out. I had left the place a bit messy as was in a rush in the morning. I decided to tidy up while him and DD were playing/watching tv, etc. He decided it was time for me to put DD to bed. I wasn't quite finished tidying - still needed to hoover. He wasn't very happy about this as he had took her to the bedroom. I read her a story while he laid on my bed, they both fell asleep. I finished my tidying up, got ready for bed. He woke up, I said I was going to bed, he said to come sit on the sofa, I said no, was going to bed and kissed him goodnight. He got up, got his stuff and left.

This morning's text went something like this:

You didn't come wake me up, didnt say you loved me when you was going to bed, you could have said wanna come to bed too? You know I have never felt welcome at yours. Or just a five minute cuddle on the sofa. I'd just woke and was still sleepy. We get in you clean for hours. Even hoovering while putting DD to bed. If you didn't want me there you should have just said.

I'm beginning to think we are better off apart, does thins sound like too much hard work to you, or is this 'normal'? For the record I was cleaning for less than one hour.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:

Report

Launderetta · 03/04/2017 21:33

I think you're better off without him. Sorry to have to say this, but I think you know that such controlling, needy behaviour is a long way from loving & even vaguely 'normal'. And I think you know that you need to end it, before you & are damaged by him.

Launderetta · 03/04/2017 21:34

*you & DD

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2017 21:36

He sounds a nightmare. You did nothing wrong. He could have got up and helped you clean. He could have got on with having fun with your DC.

He sounds self-absorbed and controlling.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2017 21:38

If you were unreasonable and self-absorbed, you could have shouted at him: "I can't believe you fell asleep when I was reading our daughter a story! Don't you care about either of us?!"

It sounds like he really wants to feel like a victim and blame you for everything. Get rid.

Dairymilkmuncher · 03/04/2017 21:46

He sounds like a pain, you should tell him straight.....this behaviour is too needy!!

noisewithdirton · 03/04/2017 21:56

My DH would have either offered to put our child to bed himself if he decided it was bed time or finished the tidying while I did the bed time. Either way he would have asked which I wanted to do. I would have gone in and woken him up unless for some reason he was justifiable exhausted as soon as my child was asleep and we would have spent the evening together. If I had gone to bed in a strop he would have come in to find out what was wrong and tried to sort it out. That's all what I consider to be normal behaviour for a relationship. What you describe sounds like game playing and lack of communication. Sorry hope you figure it out.

silverlin · 03/04/2017 22:15

Thanks everyone. You've all said what I thought. I really wanted him back, I actually begged him for us to get back together, but now I just feel like it's all too much hard work and I'm not true to myself when I'm with him. I'm always a bit on edge when we are together and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Always feel like I'm defending myself for something.

I do love him, and him and DD have such an amazing relationship, I just really wanted it to work out, think I just need to face facts.

Last weekend he basically stopped talking to me because I updated my profile pic on my social media accounts and it made him 'jealous and paranoid'. Took almost a week to find out what it was I did.

OP posts:

Darcychu · 03/04/2017 22:55

.... How is everyone on the same side here? I would be angry too if i was him, like i'm sorry but if i go back to my partners house and they spend the whole evening cleaning and i'm spending my time looking after the child and putting them to bed and then all they can say is Goodnight going bed?? NAH id be wanting at least 30 minutes to spend some time with just my partner, even if just in bed cuddling.

Honestly sounds like he was just a free babysitter for you too clean ( and doesnt sound like you HAD to do it in those hours, Why not just make it a bit tidier and then clean the next day? i really dont get peoples Obsession with everything having to be clean, My partner is more important to me than whether my house is spotless.

and okay if tired fair enough but then just say that, say Hey im really tired i'm sorry i just needed to get the house clean as don't want to do it tomorrow how about we have a nice cuddle in bed and go sleep? but it sounds like you were just completely not there .. just shut him out with a .. im going sleep night no oh i had a lovely day today .. shattered though! Lets go sleep , Kiss

WindyBottoms · 03/04/2017 23:16

"Honestly sounds like he was just a free babysitter for you too clean"

Since when is looking after your own child being "a free babysitter"?

Being a parent isn't just about the fun stuff. It includes things like childcare and housework and someone has to do those things.

If this man is serious about wanting to get back together with the OP, he needs to realise that it's not all about fun days out and cuddling up on the sofa.

silverlin · 04/04/2017 07:28

WindyBottoms This is exactly it. When he comes round, he literally wants my undivided attention. It actually puts me behind with my housework, etc as I work full time, so tend to potter about a bit in the evenings. He gets really stroppy if I look at my phone for anything and recently I've had to make up some time for work in the evenings (time I used looking after our DD when she was sick) and he keeps saying how he never sees me anymore. I don't feel like I can ever do anything that will make him happy.

Darcychu I do kind of see your point, if it was a new relationship I wouldn't have tidied up while he was there, so yes, maybe I shouldn't have. I was just going to get in bed with him, I was tired, he was obviously tired, I can't see why he couldn't have just come to bed with me instead of going home in a strop.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 04/04/2017 07:36

Controlling behaviour from him. This will only get worse, I'm afraid.

TheNaze73 · 04/04/2017 07:47

He sounds like a needy prick. And he knows what he's up to as well. You're better off without him

TheStoic · 04/04/2017 07:51

Must admit, if I went around to my partner's home and they cleaned all evening, then went straight to bed...I wouldn't complain, but I wouldn't rush back.

Why didn't you want to spend any quality time alone with him?

xStefx · 04/04/2017 07:52

He sounds needy and a little
Controlling. It won't get any better only slip worse.
I understand you want to try but it won't work out . Save yourself the effort op

HerOtherHalf · 04/04/2017 07:57

Hard to judge without being there but from your description i can see some possible fault on your part and definitely a lot on his. However, forget about who might have been right or wrong. If the two of you cannot get on together, after what should have been a nice family day out, and when you're making an effort to make it work, I don't see any hope for you long-term as a couple. Cut your losses and move on would be my advice.

Kikikaakaa · 04/04/2017 08:00

What mum who works full time doesn't spend the the evening cleanig up? That is normal? That is life? It doesn't sound like you spent all evening doing it we had just returned from a day out so I read th this as i had spent the entire day day wirh him and had a few things to do. He then fell asleep for the entire evening and was pissed off you didnt want to stay up late

OP was intending to get in bed WITH him, he decided to get up after sleeping all evening and then say it's All OP's fault for neglecting him!

This is some superb victim behaviour

Rainybo · 04/04/2017 08:04

I would feel like TheStoic too.

I would say you are better off apart, as you have such different views and can't seem to talk.

My ExH had to make sure everything was tidy and clean no matter what. I found it so draining. My now DP is a messy bugger, but I feel so much more relaxed and myself around him. He would be up for a cuddle long before hoovering!

So I don't think either of you are wrong or that he is controlling, but you'd both perhaps be happier with other people.

TheStoic · 04/04/2017 08:05

OP was intending to get in bed WITH him

Why didn't she say that to him at the time?

If he's needy for wanting to spend time alone and awake with his partner, then so am I.

Rainybo · 04/04/2017 08:07

'What mum who works full time doesn't spend the the evening cleanig up? That is normal? That is life?'

raises hand I don't!
Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

FinallyHere · 04/04/2017 08:10

Took almost a week to find out what it was I did

Goodness, life is too short for this kind of thing. Sometimes, the best way forward is just to get on and build a brilliant life without him. Coparent your child by all means, but don't let any partner sulk to get their own way.

Sorry, but i really think you will find yourself loads happier without having to pander to him.

Kikikaakaa · 04/04/2017 08:13

But... he was asleep all evening?
She was going to bed at, you know, bedtime. She is essentially a single mum who works full time, running a household while her 'boyfriend' sleeps on her bed or sits on the sofa. He's not part of the household so it's all on her to get it done. They had just spent an entire day out together. His fallin asleep doesn't exactly give the message of wanting to spend time with her either does it? What was she supposed to do... stay up tired to sit on the sofa with him when it suits him? I don't see how OP's breeds are being met when it's all about his needs.

Also see he stonewalls her, he sulks massively and she is constantly walking on eggshells to keep him happy.

Your post isn't helpful when it doesn't look at the entire picture. This is normal life for a mum. They aren't dating. Its his child too. He's constantly needy and whines about it.

Kikikaakaa · 04/04/2017 08:16

*needs

And yes single mums who work full time have to wash up, hang out laundry, clean out the bath and all to other jobs that go along with life. If she wants to hoover she can Hoover, it's her house. I have pets - my house needs hoovering more than once a week. It's not fair to insinuate that she is neglecting her partner by doing jobs in her house when she has been out all day

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TheStoic · 04/04/2017 08:16

This is normal life for a mum

Not for me. I am also a single mum of two kids.

I think she showed a complete lack of interest in spending time alone with him. If he's a dick, then I don't blame her.

But if it was me in a normal, healthy relationship - I would be disappointed with what happened.

ocelot7 · 04/04/2017 08:17

If I went to someone's house & they spent the time doing housework I'd be put out. It's rude. Better to say its best they don't come back because you have got things to do - rather than they wait all evening for a bit of time with you then you announce yr going to bed?! Sounds like you were actively avoiding spending time with him

Kikikaakaa · 04/04/2017 08:20

If you choose zero household tasks on a daily basis then that is up to you. In my experience and my friends and my life it's normal. Sorry

I am a single mum of 2 and there is plenty of washing up and laundry to be sorted than cannot be put off because then it backs up into the working day, causes chaos and it's perfectly reasonable to want to be organised. Not everyone chooses to just let it go, when it impacts on your day to day life. It's OP's house and totally up to her how she runs it.

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