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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Slept with my friend? Please advise!

49 replies

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 20:48

We've been friends for around 8 years, im 34 he's 29. I think that he used to like me at the beginning of our friendship but at the time i just didnt really see him in that way but loved him as a friend. Over time I didnt see him as much and he got a girlfriend and I became involved with someone else too. However we always stayed in touch and he stops by to see me every now and then. Im no longer with my boyfriend and have been single for the past two years.
Anyway he called over to see me the other night. And as we were talking I realised how much we do have in common, we always really enjoy our conversations together. Well we were drinking wine, I had quite a bit more than him...the next thing I knew he moved over to me and then stuff happened between us. We didnt have sex but it was close. The next morning we woke up still hugging and it was nice.
He messaged me later in the day after he left and we were talking as usual.
The thing is now after thats happened Im thinking of him in a different way and think I have more romantic feelings towards him. But we havent discussed anything and Im too shy to bring it up really, I dont know what to do about this. Should I just keep quiet? Is it likely that he just isnt interested in me that way?
The other issue is that he does have a girlfriend. He always says she talks to him like crap and doesnt treat him well, but then again its his choice to have stayed with her so long. She has asked him to move in with her but he says he isnt sure and doesnt really want to, he says he only sees her every couple of weeks. But obviously this is a big issue and an obstacle.
Any advice would be welcome, as Im feeling so confused about everything.

OP posts:

Report

JK1773 · 02/04/2017 20:51

He's not much of a friend if he slept with you when he has a girlfriend. I'm sorry but I see you getting very hurt here, and his poor girlfriend. What would she think? Presumably if you are good friends with him, you know her too. What a horrible thing to do

Justaboy · 02/04/2017 20:54

Should think you are! Mind you good relationships can and do start out as good friendships, so nowt wrong with that.

However the OW in this instance is a real spoiler seems he whats his bread buttered on biorh sides;!

Best bet he and thee have a serious talk to see where you are heading and if he's preferring to be with you then the other woman shoudld go out of his and your life.

TheSnowFairy · 02/04/2017 21:00

You are the OW

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 21:06

I don't know his girlfriend we've never met. To be honest I think he hasn't told her he sees me.
I know I shouldn't have let it happen. I won't again, if he does want to make a go of things with me he would have to end his relationship.
In all the years I've known him this has never happened and it's completely taken me by suprise.

OP posts:

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 21:23

You were caught up in the moment, with alcohol. Dont kick yourself over it.
But...Could you really start a relationship with someone, knowing they cheat? Especially when you arent sure his girlfriend even knows about you. Would you be confident that he wouldnt do the same to you if you were to get together?

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 21:26

Yeah I've thought of that too. It's a shady way of behaving. He says she is a jealous type and that's why he doesn't tell her. But I guess I only have his word for that.
In the time I've known him I wouldn't say he was a player type at all, the opposite really.
But it is cheating. I don't know his motices.
But I feel like we should have discussed it somehow. Urgh such a weird situation.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 02/04/2017 21:30

Have you ever asked him why he stays with his GF when she speaks like that to him? I'd certainly ask a friend that.

I'm sure things are going be a little awkward between you now.

I'd not do anything else sexual with him, unless he's no longer with his HD.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2017 21:31

Damn predictive text... I meant his GF not HD.

DanDanDanDanDan · 02/04/2017 21:33

You've been friends for 8 years if this was a habit and he was using the old lines "my gf doesn't understand me" etc you'd know by now.

I'd let him know how I feel.

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 22:00

Yeah that's what I thought. He's never tried it on before I don't think he is that type at all. He's always been a good friend and perfect gentleman.
How do I go about telling him though? I'm rubbish with this kind of stuff, and really shy.

OP posts:

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 22:02

I guess I don't like to comment on his personal stuff. Because I've never met her, she seems pretty separate somehow. He barely mentions her but when he does I get a negative impression. No I won't let anything else happen until things are clearer .

OP posts:

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 22:05

Next time you see him just say "can we discuss what happened the other night?"
That will at least open it up and you can just let it flow from there.

DanDanDanDanDan · 02/04/2017 22:07

I think if you're shy you should just work up he guts to say everything you're feeling and text him. But don't leave it open to interpretation.

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 22:19

Yeah I think il have to do it by text somehow. Do you think it's a good sign he has been texting since? We usually go a few weeks without contact. I just wish he could have brought up the matter .

OP posts:

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 22:23

I think its a good sign. Do what i did and just bite the bullet and send him what youre thinking and hope for the best lol

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 22:26

How would you word it? I agree honesty Is always the best way

OP posts:

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 22:32

Do you think we should talk about what happened between us the other night as im feeling a bit confused by it?

Remember my wording isnt great! Hopefully someone has other ideas

InTheMoodForLove · 02/04/2017 22:33

just sit tight for a minute and see what happens, what's the sudden rush ?

Blossomdeary · 02/04/2017 22:49

What is your desired outcome? That will decide what you should do next.

Joysmum · 02/04/2017 22:58

He says she is a jealous type and that's why he doesn't tell her

Funny how these 'jealous types' usually have good reason to be

But don't worry, it would be different if you were in her position right? Good luck with that.

JustSpeakSense · 02/04/2017 23:00

'So....I guess we should talk about what happened between us last night!? It was lovely and I'm thinking of you in a different way, I'd really like to explore that but obviously I don't move in on other another woman's boyfriend, hopefully you'll be free one day and we can see what happens between us. gaynor 83 x '

DanDanDanDanDan · 02/04/2017 23:02

What justspeak said. Be completely explicit about what you're after.

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millifiori · 02/04/2017 23:19

You want to start a relationship with a man who:
claims to only see his girlfriend every two weeks (while she appears to believe the relationship is so strong they should move in together)
hasn't told his girlfriend you exist, or introduced you, or told her he visits you
has stayed in a relationship with a woman for ages despite allegedly being mistreated constantly by her
describes the girlfriend you've never been allowed to meet as a bit of a monster - jealous, cold, scheming

Hmm. He seems to have a really healthy attitude to women. He's a catch.

MyheartbelongstoG · 02/04/2017 23:23

Can you imagine if op were a man.

This site is so hypocritical.

Stay away from him he has a gf ffs!

CalmItKermitt · 02/04/2017 23:44

"So are we engaged then?" 😄

Flip

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