Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I seeing things?

(57 Posts)
newnamechange84 Mon 27-Mar-17 15:59:39

I posted last week about me and my DP. We've not been getting on the best - not really arguing just there being more of an atmosphere. I spoke to him on Friday night and said our relationship was starting to feel more like living with a friend than a partner e.g. He doesn't really greet me when he gets home, no hugs, kisses etc. Yesterday we had a lovely day together, lunch out, a nice long walk with his mum and partner and then tea with my parents and kids yesterday evening. It was a lovely day. So.. we were upstairs last night and I came downstairs first. My p's Facebook was logged into my laptop where I'd asked him to log in the night before so that I could print some pics off ready for his birthday. I opened the lid and a conversation he'd had with another woman came up. She's 22, they are friends apparently, although I did corner him a few weeks back when I noticed a text from her saying is myself with you? If she is I'll text later. I was suspicious but p said that friend just didn't want to be a pain. P has always been negative about this friends boyfriend, has messaged her before saying to dump him and that p cares about her etc. They've been chatting loads over the last few weeks. Anyway. The message I saw last night was p telling friend me and him had a chat the night before and that I'd said it felt like friends ATM and he'd agreed, even though he hadn't. She'd asked what he was going to do and would the relationship last and well I can't remember the rest cause I just panicked. If they're friends genuinely then fine I suppose he was just talking to a friend BUT when he came downstairs I confronted him about discussing our relationship with this girl and told him to look at the screen. He said there was nothing there and there wasn't, the conversation has completely disappeared. He completely denied having written it and said there was no way I could have seen that. I feel like I'm going mad, I'm questioning now whether I imagined it. We argued for ages and it eventually ended with me apologising, as I normally do. He did the whole my chest is killing me, deep breathing thing. This morning however he'd obviously messaged her in the night as she'd written 'what did she see?' And then 'yes you can text me instead as I don't have what's app'. He'd already left for work and this time I sent him pics of what I'd seen but he's still adamant that what I saw last night wasn't real. He maintains that they are just friends and that he hasn't discussed our relationship with her. Meanwhile I'm ready to go yesterday the Drs cause I think I'm going crazy. My ex used to do this kind of thing, say I hadn't seen something and then argue it with me and my p keeps saying 'I'm not like ex'. I don't know what I hope to achieve from this but I just needed to get it down. I feel like being gone to be honest, I love p to bits but I just don't know what's going on.

Underthemoonlight Mon 27-Mar-17 16:04:40

Well he is clearly gas lighting you,but you said yourself this relationship has become more of a friendship is there anything keeping you together?

ChicRock Mon 27-Mar-17 16:06:25

It's pretty obvious that there's something going on with him and the 22 year old, and that he's gaslighting you.

badabing36 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:08:42

I think you know what's going on op.

Nicole69 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:08:53

He'd probably deleted it using the app on hi phone, just after you'd seen it on the laptop. You're not going mad.

PsychedelicSheep Mon 27-Mar-17 16:11:32

It's not a crime for him to discuss his relationship with his friend, female or not. You can't have control over everything he says about you/your relationship to others and he is allowed private communications.

That said, he shouldn't be gaslighting you and should have just been honest about it. Doesn't sound like things are great between you anyway,

Stormtreader Mon 27-Mar-17 16:15:18

As soon as someone will lie to you to your face about what youve seen/read/heard, you need to get out.
He's proved that nothing he says to you can ever be trusted again.

Adora10 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:31:36

Utter bastard, lying and making out you are seeing things; just no, tell him to fuck off until he can be honest with you, the two of them are taking the complete piss.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:38:18

You know what you saw. You know what is going on.

Gallavich Mon 27-Mar-17 16:40:35

You know you're not going crazy. Don't let him tell you you are.

HeyRoly Mon 27-Mar-17 16:43:07

At best he's having an emotional affair.

He's also gaslighting you (making you doubt your own mind and what you saw) and manipulating you by faking chest pains/a panic attack.

This isn't a healthy or happy relationship.

Hermonie2016 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:59:59

What an utter shit! To try and make you feel crazy..Stormreader is right, he's lying to your face.

What is the housing situation?

SleepFreeZone Mon 27-Mar-17 17:02:40

If he has got you to the point that you are genuinely questioning your own mental capacity then you need to get out ASAP

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Mar-17 17:04:55

PsychedelicSheep Don't you think the reason the relationship is bad is because he's carrying on with a 22 year old?

Dozer Mon 27-Mar-17 17:05:53

Affair and gaslighting. LTB.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Mon 27-Mar-17 17:26:35

For the sake of your own sanity I would end this relationship. You know what you saw, you are not crazy yet he is happy to let you think you are-this won't get better.

category12 Mon 27-Mar-17 17:40:20

He's cheating on you and you are not going mad.

newnamechange84 Mon 27-Mar-17 17:46:27

We're both under a lot of stress at the moment. I don't know what's happened, he's got me through some really awful times - helped me to get onto antidepressants when I nearly had a breakdown last year. He's fab with my daughter who has some SN, even attending her school meetings etc with me and putting her to bed etc The house is mine... I love him so much, I don't want to lose him. He's got kids too and we've really come together so well. We've booked a fun holiday for the kids in July too. He keeps telling me I can trust him but when I ask if if we'll be ok he just says he hopes so.

Adora10 Mon 27-Mar-17 17:53:43

Well sorry OP but what he is showing you is not love; it's nasty, manipulating and just plain old lying; if you think that's enough for you then carry on; highlighting his good points aint going to take away from the fact that he seems to delight in telling you you are mad when you both know exactly what you saw.

You sure you love someone that does this to you, never mind the rest of your post. I think you are going to get a big led down soon, sorry OP.

category12 Mon 27-Mar-17 17:58:41

I'm glad the house is yours.

GeekyWombat Mon 27-Mar-17 18:00:54

I could be wrong but I thought you could only archive Facebook messages not delete them. Is there a way you could have a poke about and see if you could find it?

Dieu Mon 27-Mar-17 18:01:14

That is unspeakably cruel of him, OP. Please dump him and work on your own confidence. Feel so bad for you. flowers

HeavenlyEyes Mon 27-Mar-17 18:41:33

'helped' you onto antidepressants? You apologise? Your ex used to do this too? Can you not see what is plain in front of your face.

Honestly get rid of this awful man and get yourself onto the Freedom Programme and also get some counselling to work out why on earth your self esteem, and twat radar, is so shot to pieces you cannot recognise what a load of rubbish you have and are continuing to put up with! And all along you are desperate to cling onto this utter waste of lying skin!

DownTownAbbey Mon 27-Mar-17 18:57:08

It looks like he's having an EA or is lining this friend up as a possible shag but keeping you as a backup in case this 22year old is just lapping up the attention but won't actually sleep with him. He's a selfish opportunist. He's probably thrilled you've said you feel like friends rather than partners because he now has 'permission' / a get out clause if he succeeds in getting his leg over. The fact he's relayed this to the OW speaks volumes. My DP doesn't understand me, etc etc. Please see him for the low life he is, not the 'nice guy' he attempts to project. YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD 😡!

newnamechange84 Mon 27-Mar-17 19:22:47

I think it is an EA to a degree. But I think she is playing along too. I know he's not innocent btw. She sent him a picture of herself in a shirt dress, so nothing skimpy, last week and asked him if she looked ok. I asked him about that last night and he said that it was just a friend asking a friend. He's rung and text me for the last few hours, he has his kids at their house this evening, but I've ignored the phone. I can't imagine not being with him but if it wasn't for my kids I'd have got in my car and crashed it somewhere by now. I don't want to be on this earth without him. Why do men always do this to me? I'm ok for a shag but then they leave. I've tried my hardest to make sure I do what I can to make his life easier and then he does this.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: