Worried about my marriage...

[WS12]

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe to get others views or perspectives on my situation and advice about what I could do. Sorry long post!

We got married in 2009, lived in UK until sept 2016. Have two kids born in UK 2013 and 2015. Hubby an Aussie, I'm from northeast England.

So I have posted about this before. We left the UK for a life in Aus just over 6 months ago. Me Aussie hubby and DS aged 4 and DD aged 2. For the past 5 weeks or so I have had massive feelings of wanting to go back home and that living so far from my mam and dad and sister just isn't working - I miss them so much and if I'm really honest, I can't stay in Australia for the rest of my life at least not happily. I miss having people I'm close to. My hubby is Australian and his family are down the road about an hour and a half away. They're nice enough but not my family, if you know what I mean. I'm not 'close' to any of them really. We go week to week without visiting or phone calls. So I have my hubby, and a few mummy friends I'm making through playgroup, and that's about it.

I am just so worried because I feel that my mental health is suffering, I'm thinking about going to the doctors as I'm sure I'm verging on depression, I just feel so down all the time, heart palpitations, can't sleep, feel sick, regrets about coming - the whole lot. I've even cried this morning. This just isn't me. What's happening to me?! Seriously I thought I was lonely before we moved, I had no idea 🙄

I could pack my bags and go back now, I realise it's so much better for us as a family to be nearer my parents, simply because I'd be better mentally and emotionally, which must have a positive impact on the family surely? It is gorgeous where we live and I really can't complain about this area, it's lovely. I miss having my family to visit, novelties worn off now.

I am just so worried, because my hubby and I are are not on the same page- hell we ain't even in the same book! He's on about buying a house in july and I don't even know if I can stay here!!! I have told him the truth always, that I don't know if I can live so far from my family. I told him before we left I wasn't sure if I wanted to live in Aus and that I was happy with our life in the Uk we just had to buy a house and change my husbands job. I feel we are going in very different directions, and what does this mean for us? We are visiting the U.K. In September and I am going to use this time to really thibk about being back there, for both of us and the kids and what it would mean. I seriously wish I'd put my foot down and said no to my hubby years back before we started all this , I just hate confrontation 😭 And I want him to be happy. I feel my hubby on the other hand would happily sacrifice my mental health and happiness for Australia. He now won't talk to me properly about my worries as he says I always start "crying" and "go on about things". I feel so alone, what's happened to my life?! And what's going to happen to my marriage?

At times I want to run away and leave everything, but I love him so much I know that stupid and I wouldn't. I just don't know where to go from here. I envy my sister for being back with my parents and I wish I was still there. I've been so stupid. We've definitely made a massive mistake. We can fix it but I don't think my hubby wants to or sees it that way.

I am going to try and be more positive and do more things to help time pass happily until we visit he UK later on in the year. My family are coming in 5 weeks too wahoo.

To make matters worse my hubby now wants to save for his truck liscence and become a driver. I don't think he's considered the fact he could be away for days or weeks, and where does that leave me?! Ffs I give up. We should've thought long and hard about this before we married.

[WS12]

I think I should add that I'm pretty sure I joined in with this move because I had PND.

We applied for my visa when my DD was less than 2 months old. I was exhausted, emotional, convinced myself my sister was my parents favourite and they didn't care about my children or me, I remember thinking I'll move and then they won't be able to make jokes about my messy house (it often was and looking back I think I was depressed). I was resentful because my sister didn't buy my DD a present when she was born though she was heavily pregnant too with her first - couldn't sleep on a night crying about my family loving my sister more. It's absolutely ridiculous I felt like that. Looking back now I'm sure it was PND. I emigrated because I had PND and thought it'd give me freedom from 'prying eyes'. Feel so sick 😢.

[TheStoic]

You poor thing, all this must feel so overwhelming and insurmountable.

Would your husband consider moving back to the UK with you? If not, what would be Plan B?

It's not for me to say...but you have been here less than a year. Have you made any friends, are you likely to? Did you make friends easily back in the UK?

[WS12]

Thank you for your reply Stoic. I have discussed this with my hubby and I asked could he see himself living back in the UK and he said yes he could. He got his citizenship before we left. So I know he is open to the idea, or else appears to be 🤔. I feel though that I would be absolutely destroying his dream, because he wants to be in Australia. He said to me a few days ago it sounds as if I don't want to be here (in aus) and I said some days I don't. He said that it won't work out here if I keep that attitude, I said I was sorry but the way I felt wasn't a choice or a 'bad attitude'. I feel so guilty for wanting to be near my family - having now only realised I can't live so far away missing every special event with them. For me it's not worth it. See he could pack up and move to Queensland and see his family twice a year and he would be happy. But apart from now, I've never lived more than 20 minutes drive from the house I grew up in. Living on the other side of the world just isn't for me, but it's taken moving here to realise that. I can stick it out for now, but I'm really worried for the long term. And if he pushes for us to buy a house, it's putting down roots, but I feel like screaming 'we're not staying!'...

I will go to the doctors next week and see what they suggest for me. Maybe therapy? I don't really want happy pills. I just don't want to feel this way for ever. Maybe it's a bad bout of home sickness I'm hoping will pass... I used to joke with my hubby "I'll come to Aus with you but I'll end up on happy pills". He never really listened, he was so intent on getting here. I came to give it a go, do I need to try for longer? But how long? As I say we are back in September so that gives us time.

Deep down though I feel I'm going one way and he's going the other 😔 I pray we work it out.

[Pawpainting]

That sounds horrible OP It seems like he won't let you talk about your feelings and when you do he dismisses them. It's not a good sign. Do you feel he took advantage of your PND to get you to go there? If he won't move back
to the UK, you won't be able to leave with the kids without his permission so you will basically be stuck there if he so wishes.

[WS12]

That's what I'm mostly terrified of! I'd be suicidal 😭 I don't think it will come to that though, as we normally have a good relationship. Except for where Australia is concerned.

How could I help him to understand my feelings better?

[WS12]

I think my PND spurred me on and that made him feel better like I wanted to. I did say I'd give it a go, but now I'm realising maybe it was a mistake for us after so long without seeing my parents.

They're coming soon though. Should I see how I feel after their visit?

[Pawpainting]

When is the visit? If you really don't think you want to stay, the sooner you decide and tell your DH, the better. I remember from a previous thread that once the childrens residence has been established as Australia, you won't be able to leave. You've only been there 6 months so that might not count,especially if they aren't in school yet?

[nespressofan]

I just divorced an Australian, as long as the children have UK passports, they can leave with the mother. Why paw would you think somebody couldn't leave? Surely we are free?

[WS12]

Yes I have heard that too, that they look at the situation and see where the children "normally" reside. I don't want to worry too much about this as I don't really think (and hope hope hope!!) that it won't come to this. If it does I will have to take the kids and hide some where in the UK ergh! I would never do this, but I may be desperate in the future.

My family come in 5 weeks for 3 weeks.

My hubby said we can see how we feel when we visit in September. Should I just go with this? The whole truck driver thing has made me think I could stay and end up alone when he's off on jobs. He has said about lorry driving for a while. This again is another reason why we'd be better in the UK. I'd wanted to do that I'd have my family support with two young children. I really miss the support, I feel very isolated and alone at times...

[WS12]

The children have been naturalised, but I'm holding off on Aussie passports. If that'd even help at all.

[nespressofan]

I think you have answered your own question, as hard as it is. I would let your family come along and have a good honest chat with them. Remember they will think that Oz is wonderful if they've never visited before and they don't live there - you do. I know how hard it is to live there.

[Pawpainting]

I just divorced an Australian, as long as the children have UK passports, they can leave with the mother. Why paw would you think somebody couldn't leave? Surely we are free?

Under The Hague convention you can't take the children from their country of habitual residence without the consent of the other parent. So if her DH does not give consent for the children to leave, and if Australia is considered their habitual residence, then she can't take them back to the UK.

[nespressofan]

I didn't know that Paw, and I'm shocked. My child has dual nationality. Thanks for letting me know.

[WS12]

Nespresso have you lived in Aus? I love Australia, but living here is very different to being on holiday. I was always truthful with my DH and said that holidays here would be great, but our day to day life, who we see and share our lives with, that has to be my family. We lived in the U.K. Together for 8 years, that's where our home is, our life, our friends and memories.

I think living in Aus was my dream too, years back before the children. Now I'm desperate again for my family support. His family are nice people, but not the same way mine are. We saw them a few nights ago and they were telling me about my DH brothers wife, and she is on "happy pills" saying she's unstable. Eek!! What if they knew how I was feeling 😩 They would criticise and not support, I know it.

[WS12]

Paw painting you are making me feel like vomiting.

Before we left I told my hubby my fear was getting trapped in Aus if I'm not happy. He said we wouldn't be. I trust him. Maybe I should let this lie until we visit in a September? 😕

[RedSandYellowSand]

Without wanting to depress you further, coming back here (Middle East, no family on either side here) after our first long holiday back a year after leaving was the absolute worst for me. You may find returning to Australia after your holiday in Sept really hard too. Reading around, 6-12 months is often really hard. The newness has worn off, but the close friendships aren't there yet. I'm not sure where that leaves you. But it can get better if this is just a small blip, rather than an accumulation of the past 6 months.

[WS12]

What's the time frame on habitual residence I wonder.

[WS12]

I'm hoping it's a blip 😔! I want us to be happy, and I want my hubby to be happy too. I wish my family lived here.

[nespressofan]

Yes I did live there for a while - but before I had my son - I couldn't live there. Life would be too 'blinkered' for me, back in the seventies, or even fifties. Not for me. But it is a beautiful country and a great place to bring up kids if you're both on the same page. Happy pills? I rest my case about being back in the 70s. You need support. Can you see a doctor there who may get you some counselling.

[WS12]

Yes I will go next week as I definitely need some support and counselling did cross my mind. I feel so weak. I've always had a good job and friends and family, and what have I turned into? An emotional lonely wreck on happy pills and counselling. This is not me!

I also think I need to stay calm about this whole "can't take the kids". My husband is not going to trap us in aus, he's a nice man, just attached to Australia. I need to try and keep some calm perspective on this.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

If you do want to come back to the UK you may be best planning to do it in September when you have left Aus together with permission and then refuse to return. Its how a friend of ours got back with her kids when her husband refused to discuss it. He returned without them in the finish.

There is another MNer stuck in Aus (or she was, I dont know if she ever managed to get back) with a horrible husband who wouldnt let her take the kids, knowing she wouldnt leave without them. It is a risk, even though international law cases are very expensive, to just take them so I really wouldnt recommend that.

Your best bet right now is to see a lawyer who specialises in international marital/family law so you know where you stand and can plan accordingly.

But FFS dont say anything to him if you are thinking about not returning from your trip in September as he could easily scupper it. Keep this all to yourself (including logging out of MN and changing your username if he knows it)

[nespressofan]

Bless you it's so hard to be away from the UK and your family. They will be with you very soon and you'll be able to gather your thoughts. Good luck and love x

[Mrscaindingle]

It sounds horrible, I had home sickness when I lived abroad and it is the reason I came back after 5 years. It would come over me in waves a bit like grief and I did end up on anti depressants but came off them when I got home.
I suspect your husband is not wanting to discuss this with you as he's not yet wanting to face up to the fact that that you don't want to stay where he feels at home. I would wait until after your family have been and then sit him down and tell him you will need to be making some contingency plans about how to move back to the UK. Good luck.

[WS12]

Thank you everyone so much.

I love my husband, I really really love him. And I just wish you god he was happy with living in the U.K. I was happy - had a gorgeous part time job, friends, saw my parents 3 or 4 times a week, rang them everyday, saw my sis and niece every weekend. And I've gone from that to feeling very empty and 'flat'. I am so thankful to playgroup for the way they've taken me in. I do feel a sort of grief, I guess I'm going through home sickness stages. I will try not to worry so much, it's just hard, as my hubby has all these ideas and we aren't always on the same wave length.

I can't wait for my family to come. I hope then I can gather my thoughts and see a little clearer, especially after our holiday too.

I will visit the doctor and see what he/she says. Maybe then my husband will see my struggle is real and not one caused by me "not trying". I wish his family were a little bit more open minded. They can be a very closed family. They run a farm so they live together, work together, and only my hubby and his brother are married out of seven of them!! So I am very much an outsider. And feel it too.

Thank you for your well wishes for this situation. I know I'm not the first and won't be the last xxx

[nespressofan]

I did message you, and I am around if you want to chat. I honestly know where you're coming from. Take care x