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No idea what happened with this man (details about sex, mentions of abuse).

45 replies

ahamsternest · 16/03/2017 20:54

Hi. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm in a weird mental space and feel crazy right now.

I've a history of falling for guys who are physically or emotionally abusive, and people have commented in the past that I come over as overly passive/vulnerable because of certain mannerisms and I guess my personality which is quite gentle. So it makes me wonder if I've gone for the wrong one again?

I thought this new guy might be different to my old pattern. We are at uni together and met because he was tutoring me (a different year). We are both mid twenties. We seemed to hit it off and he took my number, later arranged to meet me several times. It seemed like a nice slow burn thing and he spent a lot of time with me, pretended to be very interested in my pet (at first) who I adore, seemed to love everything about me even down to stupid stuff like my handwriting. He would literally compliment everything about me.

We had sex after about three months of getting to know each other. Unfortunately it happened earlier than I would have liked. I stayed over at his house because he'd got drunk at a party and I had carried him home and he was being sick into a bin in his room. So I was sort of watching him to make sure he was OK. Eventually I got tired and got into bed and I woke up later when he got in and immediately cuddled up to me. He said something about the fact I was sexy and started things so I went along with it. The only thing I found odd was that he put his arm around my neck and started to choke me as I got near to orgasm and I panicked a bit because he'd not asked if it was OK. My ex used to do that so I thought maybe he just thought I'd like it and I let it be. He also bit me hard enough to leave a large bruise.

I noticed he was very negative about his ex but put it down to bitterness. He said she was abusive to him and often physically hit him. I was very sympathetic obviously and at one point took a long phone call from him as he cried about her.

After this things were pretty steady and he took me to the cinema on Valentine's and paid (which I took to be a sign we were moving towards dating). I bought him a little gift.

After we had been out for Valentine's, I felt odd, like something wasn't right and I tried to stop us seeing each other. The phone call about the ex was bothering me a lot. The next day I told him I think I need some space.

He immediately asked to come round to my flat and said he didn't want to stop talking to me and we had to work it out. I told him I had feelings for him and that I felt it wasn't mutual, or he wasn't in the right place for a relationship, so it was a lot better for me if I tried to move on and had some space from him.

He disagreed and suggested I try some kind of therapy technique he had been shown once. So he sat on the floor and talked about himself for 5mins and then told me to do the same. I said I felt confused and sad and didn't want to do that with him and I felt awkward. He kept sighing and got visibly cross that I wouldn't engage, sat far away from me and looked irritated.

I started apologising obviously and asked if we could just be affectionate again (because I was panicking that he'd withdrawn). Eventually he started crying because I touched his face in the same way his ex used to (?) and I felt dreadful. A little while later he said he had "warm feelings" for me and we had sex. He stayed the night.

Things were uneventful for a bit, he invited me out with him a few times a week, texted every day to say good morning and every night to say goodnight, and multiple times in between.

He said stuff like I was the yin to the yang that was his ex and I was "the opposite of her" and used to bring her up a lot.

I still felt uneasy and like I was being a bit led on but I tried to quash it and give him a chance.

My mental health took a dip and I got depressed (I have a chronic depressive disorder). He didn't like this so much and would tell me to cheer up. At one point he ordered me into a room at the university, and told me we would do EFT which is a technique involving tapping (therapeutic). He told me to write down 3 things I was sad about and then went about doing the therapy, telling me to repeat things he said. I didn't like this, found it horrible and too intimate to do with him due to my feelings for him and kept crying and refusing to do it. He picked up the piece of paper and ripped it up and said "well then I'm leaving". I said I didn't want to do EFT I just wanted a hug and some comfort and he said "I'm not giving you that. Either you do the therapy or I leave. I don't mope in my feelings unlike you, if you want to mope you can but I'm going home".

I got gradually more and more upset and ended up in such a state that he made me go to A&E and told the doctors I was acting insane, they watched me for a few hours and then I was allowed to go. He stayed with me and took me back to his and we had sex, I guess I was just feeling vulnerable and probably would have gone along with anything at that point (I know my self esteem is shit).

On pancake day I went round and made pancakes and we cuddled on the sofa. We went to the park after. All seemed normal.

That was the last time he was normal. He went AWOL. No texts, nothing. Selfies appeared on his Facebook but no messages. He was going to be in a show and sent two messages all week saying "are you coming to the show?" and I said yes I was going.

On the night of the performance I couldn't handle watching him onstage with him having basically dropped/ghosted me, I had a panic attack and left halfway through.

I then sent some messages asking if we could talk, saying I didn't know what I'd done. He said "nothing's wrong, stop worrying". But obviously something was.

Eventually he suggested we meet up. He was 20mins late and stayed on his bike the whole time. He told me I looked edgy (because I didn't know why he'd stopped being nice to me) and told me to cheer up. He said I wasn't "happy (my name)" any more and it was freaking him out. I tried to ask what was happening and he literally rode off on his bike. When I phoned him, he said "put it down in a letter or something" and hung up on me.

Since then he has defriended me on Facebook, he sent me a long and very coldly phrased message along the lines of "I feel I've made it quite clear, but I don't love you at all and you need to leave me alone".

We were involved in a meditation group together and I got a message that he'd changed all the website details to his own (overriding mine, as I made it) and basically kicked me out.

I still don't even know what happened. Sorry

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gingerchick · 16/03/2017 20:59

He's a cunt, you are well rid sweetheart