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No idea what happened with this man (details about sex, mentions of abuse).

(46 Posts)
ahamsternest Thu 16-Mar-17 20:54:26

Hi. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm in a weird mental space and feel crazy right now.

I've a history of falling for guys who are physically or emotionally abusive, and people have commented in the past that I come over as overly passive/vulnerable because of certain mannerisms and I guess my personality which is quite gentle. So it makes me wonder if I've gone for the wrong one again?

I thought this new guy might be different to my old pattern. We are at uni together and met because he was tutoring me (a different year). We are both mid twenties. We seemed to hit it off and he took my number, later arranged to meet me several times. It seemed like a nice slow burn thing and he spent a lot of time with me, pretended to be very interested in my pet (at first) who I adore, seemed to love everything about me even down to stupid stuff like my handwriting. He would literally compliment everything about me.

We had sex after about three months of getting to know each other. Unfortunately it happened earlier than I would have liked. I stayed over at his house because he'd got drunk at a party and I had carried him home and he was being sick into a bin in his room. So I was sort of watching him to make sure he was OK. Eventually I got tired and got into bed and I woke up later when he got in and immediately cuddled up to me. He said something about the fact I was sexy and started things so I went along with it. The only thing I found odd was that he put his arm around my neck and started to choke me as I got near to orgasm and I panicked a bit because he'd not asked if it was OK. My ex used to do that so I thought maybe he just thought I'd like it and I let it be. He also bit me hard enough to leave a large bruise.

I noticed he was very negative about his ex but put it down to bitterness. He said she was abusive to him and often physically hit him. I was very sympathetic obviously and at one point took a long phone call from him as he cried about her.

After this things were pretty steady and he took me to the cinema on Valentine's and paid (which I took to be a sign we were moving towards dating). I bought him a little gift.

After we had been out for Valentine's, I felt odd, like something wasn't right and I tried to stop us seeing each other. The phone call about the ex was bothering me a lot. The next day I told him I think I need some space.

He immediately asked to come round to my flat and said he didn't want to stop talking to me and we had to work it out. I told him I had feelings for him and that I felt it wasn't mutual, or he wasn't in the right place for a relationship, so it was a lot better for me if I tried to move on and had some space from him.

He disagreed and suggested I try some kind of therapy technique he had been shown once. So he sat on the floor and talked about himself for 5mins and then told me to do the same. I said I felt confused and sad and didn't want to do that with him and I felt awkward. He kept sighing and got visibly cross that I wouldn't engage, sat far away from me and looked irritated.

I started apologising obviously and asked if we could just be affectionate again (because I was panicking that he'd withdrawn). Eventually he started crying because I touched his face in the same way his ex used to (?) and I felt dreadful. A little while later he said he had "warm feelings" for me and we had sex. He stayed the night.

Things were uneventful for a bit, he invited me out with him a few times a week, texted every day to say good morning and every night to say goodnight, and multiple times in between.

He said stuff like I was the yin to the yang that was his ex and I was "the opposite of her" and used to bring her up a lot.

I still felt uneasy and like I was being a bit led on but I tried to quash it and give him a chance.

My mental health took a dip and I got depressed (I have a chronic depressive disorder). He didn't like this so much and would tell me to cheer up. At one point he ordered me into a room at the university, and told me we would do EFT which is a technique involving tapping (therapeutic). He told me to write down 3 things I was sad about and then went about doing the therapy, telling me to repeat things he said. I didn't like this, found it horrible and too intimate to do with him due to my feelings for him and kept crying and refusing to do it. He picked up the piece of paper and ripped it up and said "well then I'm leaving". I said I didn't want to do EFT I just wanted a hug and some comfort and he said "I'm not giving you that. Either you do the therapy or I leave. I don't mope in my feelings unlike you, if you want to mope you can but I'm going home".

I got gradually more and more upset and ended up in such a state that he made me go to A&E and told the doctors I was acting insane, they watched me for a few hours and then I was allowed to go. He stayed with me and took me back to his and we had sex, I guess I was just feeling vulnerable and probably would have gone along with anything at that point (I know my self esteem is shit).

On pancake day I went round and made pancakes and we cuddled on the sofa. We went to the park after. All seemed normal.

That was the last time he was normal. He went AWOL. No texts, nothing. Selfies appeared on his Facebook but no messages. He was going to be in a show and sent two messages all week saying "are you coming to the show?" and I said yes I was going.

On the night of the performance I couldn't handle watching him onstage with him having basically dropped/ghosted me, I had a panic attack and left halfway through.

I then sent some messages asking if we could talk, saying I didn't know what I'd done. He said "nothing's wrong, stop worrying". But obviously something was.

Eventually he suggested we meet up. He was 20mins late and stayed on his bike the whole time. He told me I looked edgy (because I didn't know why he'd stopped being nice to me) and told me to cheer up. He said I wasn't "happy (my name)" any more and it was freaking him out. I tried to ask what was happening and he literally rode off on his bike. When I phoned him, he said "put it down in a letter or something" and hung up on me.

Since then he has defriended me on Facebook, he sent me a long and very coldly phrased message along the lines of "I feel I've made it quite clear, but I don't love you at all and you need to leave me alone".

We were involved in a meditation group together and I got a message that he'd changed all the website details to his own (overriding mine, as I made it) and basically kicked me out.

I still don't even know what happened. Sorry

gingerchick Thu 16-Mar-17 20:59:34

He's a cunt, you are well rid sweetheart

PetalMettle Thu 16-Mar-17 21:02:02

He sounds very controlling, and also not over his ex. My thoughts are he likes you but can't manage a relationship hence the ghosting

ImperialBlether Thu 16-Mar-17 21:03:29

I stopped reading when you said he tried to choke you while having sex. Why can't women see this is probably the biggest red flag they're ever going to see?

BaDumShh Thu 16-Mar-17 21:06:30

He's a vile, manipulative, controlling cunt and you are well rid. Block his number, block him from everything. Never ever speak to or contact him again.

Hassled Thu 16-Mar-17 21:08:25

He sounds incredibly self-absorbed, and just not a very nice man. I can't see any evidence of kindness towards you, and kindness is a very basic requirement in a relationship. I know it's really hard, but try to move on.

ahamsternest Thu 16-Mar-17 21:09:53

He was kind to me, like after I stayed at his he was really insistent I should take some of his apples to uni and said he was pleased when he noticed I'd taken them. And he would do stuff like carry the milk home from the shop "so my hands don't get cold". And stuff I guess he described as protective..

InTheMoodForLove Thu 16-Mar-17 21:10:29

what a spineless manipulative allovertheplace little shit he is

look after yourself and consider yourself lucky is off, he would have driven you totally mad
well, actually he nearly did as you ended up in a&e !!!

if he was a mentor on your course, is there no-one you could discuss what he's like with ?

Surely he is not fit to mentor anyone !

HeavenlyEyes Thu 16-Mar-17 21:12:01

you do know how much of a huge, major, massive red flag choking is?? Have you ever done the freedom programme. This man is a grade a abuser and you need to run for the hills. His faux therapy and all the other shit is just designed to control and humiliate. FFS get far away as poss and get some therapy for yourself yesterday to work out why you put up with 1 second of this utter vile monster.

JK1773 Thu 16-Mar-17 21:16:51

He sounds like a dangerous predator who has taken what he wanted from you and now has had enough. He cares nothing for you whatsoever. Please keep away from him and look after yourself

zznotxy Thu 16-Mar-17 21:17:23

Fuck me, a relationship with an alien would be more normal than this. You deserve better, you are better. Hold your head up high, think you are lovely and brilliant and any man who gets a chance with you has just won the lottery ( and I'm a bloke by the way). Be strong and good luck.

DownTownAbbey Thu 16-Mar-17 21:42:03

I can understand your confusion but please be assured that it is a very good thing that he has bugged off. Block him from everything and do not even entertain the idea of letting him back in if he suddenly realises he can't live without you or some such bollocks. He's a user and a manipulator at best. Drama does not mean passion and a guy hung up (or pretending to be hung up) on his ex is never a good bet even if he doesn't try to choke you confused

DownTownAbbey Thu 16-Mar-17 21:44:04

*buggered, not bugged, although this creepy guy roaming the streets psycho-babbling young women into bad situations does bug me.

JustSpeakSense Thu 16-Mar-17 21:51:56

You should've run for the hills when he tried to choke you when having sex.

Block his number and on all social media, he is toxic.

You seem to accept a lot of abuse in exchange for very little affection, you are worth more than this.

There are better, kinder and stable men out there, please don't waste another minute on someone like this.

ahamsternest Thu 16-Mar-17 21:53:06

I dunno about the choking.. I asked a couple of friends and they both said boyfriends had done it to them? Is there a chance he just thought he was giving me a better orgasm? It's been done to me by many different men..

scoobydoo1971 Thu 16-Mar-17 21:55:52

My thoughts are that you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone if you are feeling emotionally vulnerable. Focus on getting your mental health into a good place where you feel resilient enough to say no to anyone behaving badly towards you. There are predators out there who sense vulnerable people and seek to exploit them for what they want (i.e. sex in your case). He was tutoring you at University and should never have started a personal relationship with you. I supervise students and would not dream of entering into a personal relationship/ friendship with any of them, it is all about professional boundaries. Again his amateur psychotherapy is a good example of him pretending to be the 'expert' in mind techniques and making himself seem important. He did sexual acts you were unhappy about and classified you as being 'mad' by taking you to A&E. In all probability, he met someone else who is massaging his ego...University is a great hunting ground for vulnerable young people away from family...run girl, run and learn from this dreadful experience.

Dieu Thu 16-Mar-17 22:03:31

You poor love. You are definitely best off out of it. And I mean this kindly, but you really could do with seeking some counselling/therapy. You sound emotionally vulnerable and I would have guessed you to be younger than mid 20s. Work on building your self-esteem, so that you can better learn what is acceptable and what is not, in a loving relationship.
Hugs.

SparklyMagpie Thu 16-Mar-17 22:06:44

You are well rid OP!
Please block and delete him off everything! You deserve better!

RedastheRose Thu 16-Mar-17 22:08:46

He sounds like a narcissistic twat, the beginning but of the relationship was the love bombing phase where you are made to feel so special and loved that you think you've found your perfect guy, then he starts the whole withholding, gaslighting, manipulative shit. You are well rid of him. Narcs are attracted to empathetic people particularly and especially vulnerable empaths as they know they are easier to control and manipulate. Ignore him completely, go grey rock and do not waste another second of your life on the twat. I would report his behaviour to the uni if he is being put in the position of a tutor as someone like that will have an ever ending stream of victims.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Mar-17 22:11:22

This is 2017 right ?

Why am I reading more and more threads posted by women who seem to believe that being repeatedly abused by men is somehow all they deserve ? Why do they think nasty sexual abuse equates to someone loving them ?

Is it the influence of porn ? Is it a failure of teaching what is a healthy relationship at home/school ? Is it that feminism means so little to our teens/20yo's that they don't understand even the basic principles of equality and what it means to be treated like a person in your own right rather than a sponge for abuse ?

Somebody tell me, please.

GallivantingWildebeest Thu 16-Mar-17 22:14:05

He choked you the first time you had sex? And lots of men you've shagged have done this? Wtf? Is this a thing?

Op, you need to set the bar a lot higher.

He's a right bastard - unkind, manipulative, gas lighting fucker.

You're well out of it. Block him from everything.

I'd do the Freedom programme or get some therapy before you get into a new relationship.

GallivantingWildebeest Thu 16-Mar-17 22:14:55

Hear, hear, AF.

Dieu Thu 16-Mar-17 22:18:20

It is indeed very worrying, AF. And you're right, these posts seem to be a constant feature sad

Hope you're ok OP.

littleblackno Thu 16-Mar-17 22:18:37

He was sick in a bin. Then had sex with you where he tried to choke you. You're happy that he gave you an Apple?? ?

Seriously???

I really don't mean to be rude but you need to get some help in what a normal healthy relationship is and have some respect for yourself.

Temporaryanonymity Thu 16-Mar-17 22:25:52

I have been having sex since I was 17. I am now 41 and I can tell you that not one of my sexual relationships has ever involved being choked. Not ever.

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