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Who's in the wrong?

(27 Posts)
user1489592537 Wed 15-Mar-17 15:59:41

My DD (21 yo) and her boyfriend (23 yo) are currently fighting over something I consider ridiculous. My DD has been on a diet since January after she had bumped into a male friend who had told he she had gotten 'heavy'. She has currently lost 1stone and a half but was feeling low and as if she hasn't changed at all - it's probably worth mentioning she has struggled with body dysmorphia for most of her life. Today she read an article stating that she should face her trigger to start the body issues in order to move on and feel happy with her progress. So she sent the male friend a message asking for his honest opinion on her weight and weight loss alongside a fully dressed photo of herself, they then had a platonic conversation in which the boy said he things she has lost weight and then moved on to general chit chat. My DDs boyfriend then came home and she told him about the interaction saying that she was feeling more positive about her weight. Her boyfriend became very cross about the photo she had sent (which admittedly did have a lot of cleavage on show but she is a large busted girl) and stormed out the house. He is now not speaking to her and is saying she's hurt him terribly. She has apologised and said it was innocent, she didn't mean to hurt him. What are your opinions on this situation and how can I help my DD as she is distraught at the thought of hurting her partner?

6demandingchildren Wed 15-Mar-17 16:07:05

You need to ask yourself if she was speaking to a female friend would his reaction of been different? If so then there is a problem as your daughter should be able to talk to her friends wether they are male or female

whatsthecomingoverthehill Wed 15-Mar-17 16:10:41

I'd be worried about why your DD feels she has to pander to this so-called friend's opinions.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Mar-17 16:11:55

She hasn't hurt her partner. He has over-reacted.
He's thrown a tantrum at age 23!
I think she'll realise soon enough that she's better off without him.
But for now all you can do is be there for her.
When he does come back make sure you tell him his behaviour is not OK. She should be able to have any friends she wants, male or female.
And as long as she's not sending pics of her tits and fanny then there should be no problem.

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 15-Mar-17 16:13:18

Presumably her boyfriend has been encouraging or tells her he loves however she is. He probably now feels a bit jealous or upset that his opinion is not enough and she is seeking reassurance from someone else (male) and considers that she thinks his opinion is more important.

She needs to take on board his feelings and he needs to get over it quickly!

HarmlessChap Wed 15-Mar-17 16:17:08

Irrespective of the circumstances, or the quantity of flesh on show, if I sent a picture of myself to another woman saying "how do I look" I think my DW would be rather upset.

Dozer Wed 15-Mar-17 16:17:22

It's really sad that DD has body dysmorphia and feels the need to seek or solicit others' opinions, then lose weight because of those opinions. That would be my primary concern.

inappropriate for her to text the male "friend" who'd criticised her to seek his approval. Would still be inappropriate of he was a woman, but worse that it's a man IMO!

Her bf's reaction was way OTT though.

Dozer Wed 15-Mar-17 16:18:22

Anyway, this other bloke is clearly NOT the actual "trigger" for her low body confidence.

troodiedoo Wed 15-Mar-17 16:19:12

I think it was a bit silly of her to message this male friend seeking validation. Boyfriends reaction is childish but understandable. From most mens point of view you'd only message someone with a photo if you were testing the waters.

RebelRogue Wed 15-Mar-17 16:19:26

Did he give his opinion about how she looks? Encouraged her and reassured her that she looks great etc.? Tbh i would be a bit pissed off if my partner disregarded my words and opinion and kept looking from validation from someone else,male or female.

RebelRogue Wed 15-Mar-17 16:20:39

I wouldn't storm out or throw a tantrum though.

HarmlessChap Wed 15-Mar-17 16:24:08

I suspect that the BF thinks that because this guy triggered her dieting she striving to look appealing to this bloke and that was the purpose of sending the busty photo.

Ellisandra Wed 15-Mar-17 16:24:23

Not enough knowledge of your daughter to judge this.

I see the argument that a male friend is the same as a female friend.

But if your daughter was hurt that her male friend had criticised her and was wanting to elicit a response from him that she was personally attractive to him... well, as her boyfriend I'd have a big issue with that.

The bigger issue here is her running to other people for approval, especially someone who criticised her in the first place.

I'm also raising an eye at 1.5 st since Jan. I've lost the same from mid Jan to mid Mar and I have really had to restrict food to do it. Unless she was fairly overweight to begin with so lots of quick water loss, I'd be keeping an eye on that rate of loss. It's possible healthily, but with the body dismorphia too, I'd certainly be on amber alert for disordered eating.

Dozer Wed 15-Mar-17 16:25:58

Sorry, I meant that it's sad that DD listened to an unsolicited negative criticism of her weight, acted on it, then sought the mean person's opinion! Rather than telling him to F off in the first place.

Wonder if he was doing that game playing thing where men criticise women they find attractive?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 15-Mar-17 16:26:03

Difficult situation, but I think her boyfriends right to be upset.

Ellisandra Wed 15-Mar-17 16:27:20

And btw I'm 30FF so quite big busted and I can take a photo without showing lots of cleavage. I'm sure fashion and what is considered a lot to show is different for her - I'm twice her age!
But although I'm 99% thinking she can send what she likes, I am 1% thinking "well I'd like to see the photo and know her motivation" (as I said above, was she hoping for an ego boost of a sexual nature?) before I totally call her boyfriend an arse.

user1489592537 Wed 15-Mar-17 16:31:19

She was not hoping for an ego boost judging by what I read in the conversation. It was along the lines of

Dd: 'hi can I have your honest opinion on something'

MF: sure

Dd: photo sent can you see any weight loss from when you last saw me?'

MF: yeah you look fine

They then went on to talk about MF's new girlfriend and DD new job before ending the conversation

user1489592537 Wed 15-Mar-17 16:32:47

She was wearing an outfit I no the style which she ALWAYS does, which is admittedly low cut but nothing different from what she would usually wear on a day - day basis.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Wed 15-Mar-17 16:38:21

Why is this guy her 'trigger'? Boyfriend is being childish but I'd be hurt if my partner was more concerned about another woman's opinion than my own. It makes it sound as though she cares more about him than boyfriend. All a bit odd.

Ellisandra Wed 15-Mar-17 16:45:56

OK, that certainly looks innocent.
Has the boyfriend actually said why he's in such a mood about it?
It was you that brought up the cleavage here - is that his problem or something else?

I have a friend who really relies on men saying she looks attractive. In theory yes it could be asked the same way to a female friend. But the point is, I know she never asks female friends. Because what really gives her the boost is thinking that a man fancies her. If that is how your daughter has behaved previously, like my friend, I can see why her boyfriend would be unhappy.

Otherwise, he's an arse and she's well rid!
And flowers to her for her struggle with dismorphia.

Tearsoffrustration Wed 15-Mar-17 17:36:17

I imagine most partners would be unhappy about this - seeking approval from a person of the opposite sex who is not your DP

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Mar-17 19:33:42

Sounds like she was trying to get a reaction from her friend. The BF is being a tit but, she knew what she was doing with the picture

magoria Wed 15-Mar-17 20:22:57

It is a shame that your DD has to get validation and the ability to feel positive about herself from another man.

She was upset about this other man's initial opinion and now she is happy about herself because he approves.

If her BF has been supporting and loving I can see why he is upset that he and his opinion are not enough.

That the picture sent also included a lot of cleavage may be upsetting for him as it was sent to this guy who's opinion and approval your DD has sought.

Emboo19 Wed 15-Mar-17 20:38:32

Me and my boyfriend are similar ages to your dd and hers Op.

I think it depends what it was that bothered him.
Was it his girlfriend needing reassurance from the guy who initially upset her?
My bf would be pretty pissed off if someone told me I'd got 'heavy' to start with.
Or was it just because she sent a photo?

I send photos to male and female friends asking opinions on outfits and it's not for a reaction. I've done so recently as I'm going to a wedding soon and still breastfeeding and wanted opinions on if the dress I've chose is a bit revealing or not!

Does your dd have instagram, snap chat etc! And if so is he ok with her posting photos on those?

Fairylea Wed 15-Mar-17 20:41:53

I think the biggest issue here is actually the massive lack of self esteem your dd has and her insecurities about her weight. It's really sad that she has to validate herself by others opinions.

Saying that, I have to say if I found out dh had asked a female friend what she thought of his physical appearance to the point he sent a photo I would be really upset. It's a bit weird in my opinion. But then I am 36 and married, maybe if you're early 20s with a big group of friends it's a bit different?

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