Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH lying?(30 Posts)
Long term lurker here. Could do with some advice. Been married 11 years have 2 ds one 9 one 7. DH works in a high powered job that involves lots of travel around the uk. I'm a full time student but only because I recently gave up work as DH away so much and one of our sons has ASD. Really didn't want to give up work with nothing else so decided to re- train with a view to working for myself once qualified and can fit around my sons various appointments. When DH is away 2-3 nights a week he takes clients out drinking and socialising every time almost. When home he works 70-80 hours a week and is never home before 7.30. Recently we have been having problems with me feeling neglected and him not wanting to spend time with me. He says i am needy and I don't think I am. We started marriage counselling last week. But he's been horrible to me recently very critical and just horrible all round which could be stress I suppose but I don't think it is. He has social media I don't. I was on his a few weeks ago as someone set a video up of my aunt who has died and I wanted to watch it. I saw he had searched a new college up. I asked why and he said " oh I was showing so and so how she dresses etc not very professional" I felt funny about this but let it go. Then at a work event I was at last weekend with him one of his younger staff members said to me " oh DH really likes so and so but I think she is very dangerous". I kind of was lost for words but said nothing until we got home and dh said that guy always says stuff when drunk etc and he meant dangerous in a work way like would step over you etc. I let this go too but have been paranoid since. This weekend he's been very critical and just not nice to me at all. After I made dinner I went up stairs and his phone was plugged into the charger l. I needed the charger so I took it out. Something made me look at his what's app and there was one message sent to him from a woman I had never heard off before it was an emoji of a banana and kissing lips? He quickly came up when he realised his phone was upstairs with me and I asked him. He said it must have been sent by accident to him. There was no reply. I said ok ring her and put her on speaker and ask, he refused to do this but messaged her back saying was that for me. He has taken his phone away at this stage and about 10 minutes later she showed me the reply " sorry wrong number". Why not oh sorry DH name not meant for you or something as they are obviously what's app contacts? A few weeks ago a phone fell out of his pocket I had never seen. Apparently it was only used for a peice of software that his team use and they all use that phone on specific jobs, but at black tie event he was at last week he sent me a selfie of himself in the tux and a few days later I noticed he took the selfie with that phone. Why if it's only used for software take selfies on it? His answer was his iPhone battery was dead. There is just so much to be a coincidence and I don't know if I'm crazy or what but I just think he's being horrible as he's guily. Anyway I left and came to my mums and am staying here until the morning. He will take kids to school on way to work but I've told him to take his stuff with him because even if nothing has went on I just Davy live like this anymore in constant suspicion. I told him if he goes away with work not to drink etc but apparently I'm being controlling and jealous by saying that. I just don't know anymore maybe I am just jealous and paranoid?
You're not being jealous and paranoid for no reason OP. I totally understand how you could be wondering at this number of incidents. If he was truly innocent of anything it would be helpful for him to put your fears to rest instead of being critical. The banana /kiss message sounds totally inappropriate, the fact that he took his phone back and showed you the 'reply' later also looks v dodgy. Can you keep an eye out for the 'work' phone and ask to look through it (before he has a chance to delete)? Not a nice thing to have to resort to, but a few things do look odd here.
Best of luck
Thanks for the quick reply. Just can't sleep and wish I was in my own bed but he wouldn't leave tonight he has to for work tomorrow and the kids just couldn't hear the arguing. Sounds very dodgy to me indeed and it's the constant criticism which Is very recent I can't get over. He's angry and snappy all the time now. It found be stress he's under tremendous pressure but he doesn't help by socialising and drinking every time he's away. I think he should use night times when he's away to rest/ watch movies or catch up on work. But he comes home tired and angry and almost always has work to do meaning even less time for me or the kids. He does nothing about the house as no time and I can't do anything at nights as his travel days change weekly and although I love my course I'm lonely and isolated and have no one to share things surf only my mum and it's not up to her to give me emotional support. He is on the phone constantly to work he never switches off. I'm. Trying to help him relax running baths etc but it seems the more I try the more impatient with me he becomes, which smacks of a guilty conscience to me.
I know exactly what you mean, my OH works away a lot, also with lots of socialising. It's very difficult to be the one staying at home with the kids all the time. When you told him to take his stuff with him, was that to stay away for a while while you get your head straight? In my experience they don't admit anything unless by accident, so I guess he's not likely to come clean by asking. Only options really are to lay low but be vigilant (at the risk of going insane), tell him straight how it makes you feel and you are prepared to leave if it continues (if this is an option) or put up with it (and be miserable). I'm currently on option two, no idea how successful it will be. And do feel like a mug at times.
Thanks for the reply. It feels like I don't have a choice really I either put up and shut up or I hurt the kids? I told him to take his stuff because I want him to go. I woke up this morning feeling the same. I can't live like this. Not with someone who clearly thinks it's horrible to spend time with me. Is constantly critical of me and travels out drinking and 3 times a week staying out to all hours while I'm home looking after his kids having had to give up work to facilitate his career without even being able to leave the hospital house every night as he is gone. I don't trust him and I don't think that's my fault but he won't reassure me or try to make me feel better he will blame me and it will keep making it worse. I just can't do it anymore.
I think you've made the right decision. He's created that environment & he sounds like he's avoiding being with you at all costs. It can be so tough working long hours etc, so get he could be highly stressed however, he's taking you for granted & sounds like he's checked out of the relationship
Yes I do feel he's checked out 100 percent. He hates being the bad guy so he's being so horrible to me blaming me so I ask him to leave. He wouldn't want anyone to think he's left his autistic son so now he will be able to say I made him go.
I told him the things that needed to change for me to feel secure. No drinking whilst away only at special work events which are frequently anyway but his response was I'm jealous and controlling and he earns the money and should be able to do as he likes.
use the time he's away to get yourself sorted out as much as possible wrt financial advice etc. Hopefully someone who has more knowledge than me will be along to give you that advice. I think you've made the right decision if he's not going to use this as a wake up call.
This sounds a horrible environment to live in. And his behaviour with phones etc deeply suspicious. Have you been able to talk to your mum about what's going on?
Yes my mum is great and knows everything. She wouldn't put up with this either and much as she adores DH as we have been together from 18 and 19 she doesn't want me to either. So complicated as were where about go buy a house for mum and step dad to live in beside us. They are putting 60k down of their own money but too old for mortgage so we were taking it in our names but they would pay it. It would be left to us and kids eventually. I feel so bad about this as they have lost money on deposits etc and they really were excited. Mortgage would gcse been in both our names as everything is but how can we do that now?
Just an update on the worst night ever. After talking tonight DH said he just wasn't sure he loved me. It was very hard to hear and I got angry and hurt but have calmed down now. It's just hard I've no job because he was away so much and something needed to give. I've no life at all, and suddenly now after 11 years he's not sure he loves me.
He's such a selfish, cliched bastard. I'm not surprised you were angry and hurt. I know it's not easy. You do the childcare/run the house so they can maintain an exciting career, and it's not appreciated at all. Have you had chance to think about the logistics of separating? Make him aware that he'll be having to pull his weight with childcare etc.
Oh lovely, how awful for you.
I can't help but think there are too many red flags here?! And a message from a woman with 😘🍌?? That's the biggest innuendo ever?! And then taking 10 mins of disappearing to say it was the wrong number?! Hmm and being critical of you suddenly?
It doesn't sit comfortable with me.
Big hugs to you. Xx
Oh love... what an arse.
and sorry to hear about the situation re the deposits and your mum.
But better that they find out now than when they - and you - have taken on a major long-term financial commitment...
Even if you were to assume the best about the phones and the message (and I'd assume something was going on there too) it doesn't sound like he is putting a lot into the marriage lately other than (presumably) his earnings.
He's not even made a half-hearted attempt to patch things up has he, and I suspect you're right in him being glad you've given him the excuse to end the marriage whilst it looking like your "fault" not his.
Sorry OP, but I suspect the best you can do is start getting your ducks lined up financially etc. I hope I'm being overly cynical but he'd have to actually want to fix things in order for them to be fixed.
Sounds like he has another life you know nothing about. .
Gawd, could it be any more scripted; I'd suspect OW OP and even if not, he's treating you appallingly, pushing you into ending it because he's too gutless.
Do him a big favour and stop allowing him to put you down and make you feel crap about yourself.
He's clearly playing away.
Just to update the shit really hit the fan tonight. We went together to marriage counselling today. The counsellor is very good but I think she also knew H was lying. She kept saying I was strong and could get through it. So H went to work after and I rang at 7.40 and he was just leaving. I was disappointed he didn't try to leave earlier as I wanted to see him trying. When he got home 8.30 I said I was going for a drive to clear my head. His car was blocking mine so I said I'll take his. He was very suspicious about this and said he had little fuel which made me think I needed to get his car. I go in his car with a half full tank. After a while I noticed a single mobile number with no name on the call log in the car. Nothing else in recent, just this number.
I just have a feeling and decide to ring it. I turn off my caller ID and a woman answers. I put on a Fake accent and say " sorry I have a missed call from you" she says " oh sorry wrong number then". I drive home to check his phone. The call was made at 19.48 on his way home, I know that if the number is not on his iPhone but still on the caller ID in the car then he has obviously deleted it.
I come in and just take his phone and check, sure enough the number is not there. No call made! I have screen shotted the number and when I sail it into his phone it comes up, the girl who sent the txt last week! The lips and banana,
Of course he denies all of it, I'm paranoid etc. So I ring her from his phone and she answers right away. I tell her do you know he's married with 2 kids? Then I hang up. Eventually he admits to an emotional affair. After much coaxing out and changing of stories and minimising. I know that's not the whole story either. Apparently he's depressed!!! He sorry he loves me all that shit! I want him out of my house and my life now for good. I'm worth far more than this.
He will have admitted to the minimum he thinks he can get away with.
I would assume it is a physical affair going off the way he has detached from you so completely
I am sorry you have found this out but all the signs were certainly there and well done to you for pushing it like you did
Ring a solicitor tomorrow x
You have sussed him out.
He checked out of the relationship ages ago and all the socialising is giving him a warped sense of reality.
Meanwhile you have to be the "grown up" in the relationship doing the job of 2 people caring for your family, that he should be 50% invested in.
Glad you know you are worth more. I would definitely get the wheels in motion so you can eliminate all the energy sapping crap with mobile phone/social media tracking etc. It's hours of your life you'll never get back. He'll lie through his teeth if he thinks he can get away with it.
No wonder he didn't want you in his car OP.
Oh OP. it is 'the script'. I agree with AF
Been there but parents had moved into an annex and invested. Took two years to sort out and then the marriage breakdown affects them as well so it is carnage all round. I'm glad at least you found out before that went through.
Why do they think it's fine to be such selfish fuckwits. And when they have been why can't they just admit they're a selfish fuckwit instead of trying to shift blame onto their OH for their selfishness and weakness.
Sending hugs x
I have to say that you are one really smart woman. I have a lot of admiration for your no nonsense approach and your investigative skills.
I can see why the counsellor said you're strong and will get through this, because I can see your strength and self worth too.
With all the stress and being alone with the kids, you could be the 'depressed' one have an affair too.
I too get peeved when depression is used as an excuse for bad behaviour like infidelity.
And as you know, they always say it's an EA.
Lips and banana is definitely not just an emotional affair!
Join the discussion
Please login first.