Changed my mind about granny coming on holiday.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

Not sure what im asking really so I suppose it's a 'what would you do?'

My granny is in her mid 80s and is/used to be very active but last year she was ill and never really seemed to get back to 100% health physically and mentally. She passes out about once every three months

She has family but it's only me really that spends time with her or does things she needs doing as she won't ask any one else. She was also a massive support to me growing up as I had a baby very young.

The thing is in these past couple of years she has become really passive aggressive and quite controling over my two youngest children, almost as if she is all of our mothers. It something she has always joked about but my dh pointed out it's quite undermining as I've never really seen it that way and tbh it is.

She gets really stressed out with my 3 year old who is actually very well behaved, she sees danger at every corner and I know she will not relax on this holiday especially around the pool and me and dh will end up pulling our hair out.

P.A examples :

Telling me she is sweltering so I put air conditioning on in car - sitting in silence the entire car ride (40 mins) then as she is getting out of car telling me she is frozen because I had it too cold.

Reminding me of poor choices I made as a young mum/teenager

Reminding me what a shit mother I had.

Telling me not to visit her in hospital as she has visitors (I drove up every day for two weeks) only to ring me at the night time saying she was lonely and depressed.

Telling my three year old I won't let her (granny) come on holiday as she mithers me
Too much.

Constantly asking about things that could be wrong with my perfectly healthy baby. And when I say 'stop it she is fine' she replies with 'it's only cos I love her and I don't want her to......' then trails off
(Dh would go mad at this if he heard her.

Everything is stressfull for her and her and if she feels left out she starts acting childish (which I've never ever known) she also has become quite rude when we are eating out - which I've never seen her be like this before.

The don't know wether to say we're not going at all and not go but dh really wants to go away but I don't fancy a week of nearly strangling my 85 year old granny.

What would you do?

[scurryfunge]

I don't think you should feel compelled to invite her. You are supporting her in other ways. Enjoy your family holiday and take her out on a day trip when you get back.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

Thanks scurry I feel rotten though as I know she is looking forward to it.

[Chops2016]

Could this change in personality be the onset of dementia? My grandma's personality changed noticably with it.

[JaniceBattersby]

I agree with Chops. I'd try to get her to see the GP.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

chops I've really looked at that idea but I'm starting to lean towards she has always been a bit like this but I've never noticed. Plus -she went to the GP about some other concerns she had as her sister had it and the GP pooh poohed the idea

[ImperialBlether]

If you said you had to cancel the holiday because of lack of money (for eg) would she ever find out about it?

[Avioleta]

Have you already invited her to come along?

If not then YANBU to want a holiday with just your DH and DCs.

I also think she needs to see her GP.

[Iflyaway]

I feel for you. Honestly.


Everything is stressfull for her and her and if she feels left out she starts acting childish (which I've never ever known) she also has become quite rude when we are eating out - which I've never seen her be like this before.

I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like the beginning stages of dementia.

My mum had it for 7 years and she had the exact same symptoms in the beginning. Total personality change, really.

The putting you down for "poor choices" in your life is also a symptom.
Please don't take it personally.

Thing is, you have your primary family to think of now - DH, DC - and cannot let her poison your harmony as a family. Your kids are so young....

You also owe them and you a relaxing family holiday.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

Yep I said she could come Avioleta last year when she was unwell to cheer her up

[Iflyaway]

she went to the GP about some other concerns she had as her sister had it and the GP pooh poohed the idea

Unless you were in the consulting room with her at the GP's you are getting her version of events....

[Jazzywazzydodah]

ifly seriously- if she had an inkling she could be ill id know about it. She has a hospital bag ready made up as she is convinced she will take ill in the night.

[BCBG]

Seriously - this could be my mum, OP - she died a few years back but had become this same PA, needy, anxious person and was exactly the same with the grandkids as yours is with your LOs. GP tried for a long time to get her to accept anti-depressants as this is not unusual in geriatrics, but my mother refused. She was on heart medications and GP said it was known side-effect, but she still wouldn't budge. Sounds like low grade depression to me (or possibly very early dementia, but I don't think so likely) and the GP may find it hard to spot if she doesn't display symptoms in front of him-her or open up about feelings. Think in your shoes I would probably still take her but tell her only if she lets the GP check her over properly first.....

[Wolpertinger]

Could be depression, could be an effective of old age and could be early dementia DFIL was like this for 5 years before diagnosis.

Either way, she is how she is, you probably can't change her behaviour, and I wouldn't want to go on a family holiday with her.

[namechanging1]

Another who thinks it's the beginning of dementia.
It doesn't sound very fun for anyone if she comes, I would go without her and make extra special effort to make more local days/meals out with her instead.

[OnTheRise]

If you've already told her she can come, it's going to be difficult to tell her she can't come now.

Perhaps you could take her away for a longish weekend, just the two of you, somewhere where there are lots of things to do that she'd enjoy, and then have a proper holiday with your partner and children?

Otherwise yes, I'd bite the bullet and tell her you're withdrawing your invitation because she doesn't seem to enjoy her time with you, and you don't want to spend a full week feeling unappreciated. Because no matter why she's behaving like this, your children don't need a week of feeling miserable because your grandmother is off her game.

[rollonthesummer]

If you've already invited her, I think it would be rotten to uninvited her.

[Gingerbreadlass]

My Mum is like that. Late 70s now and I found the last holiday very stressful and it only added fuel to the fire. Have a nice weekend or two away with her but don't take her on hold would be my advice. My Mum was textbook like your granny. I love my mum dearly but it impacted our holiday massively. Think of something else you can do with her, short Sita CEO weekend kind of thing but please don't feel obliged. I get a feeling she's getting on and maybe stressed out by your little ones. Not your fault, they're just kids but sometimes our elders can't take it that well and it certainly made our holiday harder. Please don't feel obliged to take her, just think of spending quality time with her in her own comfort zone x

[unfortunateevents]

I know several people have already said dementia but that is what it sounds like to me as well. I was nodding my head reading your post in recognition of several traits which FIL started to display in the beginning stages - the dragging up of things from the past, the rudeness in public etc. FIL died from an unrelated condition so I don't know how it would have developed.

[Gingerbreadlass]

Oh yes, mean to add if you've already invited her I think you should stick to it. Just plan your holiday so that your gran can have a good time too. After all, she was there for you when you were younger and older people sometimes get more stubborn (passive aggressive) but that's not necessarily personal. Enjoy the last few years you have with her and try and be gentle. Leave yourself no regrets. X

[Cricrichan]

Could you take just her and you on a city break? Alsee some sights, a show and have a nice cream tea? That way you can both enjoy it and you won't be stressing about how she talks about your kids or your dh listening to her. And then go on a family holiday (maybe don't tell her that bit) .

[TempusEedjit]

In what way was she ill last year? Stroke can start dementia. My nan in law had several mini strokes over the course of a couple of years without even realising what they were, she just had a headache and felt nauseous each time.

Might be off topic but the David Baddiel documentary last week about his dad's dementia was showing how it magnified existing negative personality traits.

[Canyousewcushions]

If you can afford it coule you take her for a long weekend in somewhere like a leisureplex hotel? Have been to the one in Eastbourne with my similarly aged granny- cheap half board deals, nice flat prom for granny to walk on (or be pushed in wheelchair) and great for kids to cycle/scoot/play with sand etc. Hotel menu etc totally geared up for the more mature patrons- evening entertainment also included. Plus the potential for outings up/down the coast.

Then book your "proper" holiday without her, maybe including something that wouldn't appeal so much to her by way of excuse?

[LadyLapsang]

I don't think you should rescind your invitation, you have your whole life in front of you to enjoy family holidays and this may be the last one she has. I would, however, spend some time preparing and planning so you all get the most out of it. You sound very caring about your grandmother, it must be difficult balancing her needs and those of your very young children. In the long-term I think others will have to help more, but for this holiday I would say don't cancel.

[TheNaze73]

I'd uninvite her & tell her the real reason

[INeedNewShoes]

It would be awful to withdraw the invite. I'd feel I had to have her along this time but just make sure you make it clear that this is a one-off.