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How do I leave?

(28 Posts)
notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 08:08:02

I think it's over. I'm sick of my EA DH.

I don't want to do this anymore.

He'll never agree to leave the house, I can't afford to rent.

What do I do?

He's currently giving me the silent treatment, which is a regular occurrence but makes a change from the constant criticism.

I am feeling panicky with chest pains and shaking.

Please help.

AtticaSilver Fri 24-Feb-17 08:46:06

Hi notmywords, first --- breathe. That's not meant to sound patronising, it's just that I'm in a similar situation and I find that I'm forgetting to breathe properly because I'm so anxious all the time and it really helps me just to stop and take a few deep breaths. I'm so sorry you're in this situation too, but you'll have seen from MN that we are far from alone! I told my EA H last week that I want a divorce and all hell has broken loose since. Apparently I'm imagining it all, ruining DS's life, etc. etc. We'll be living in the same house until we get our finances sorted. It's grim and incredibly stressful but at least I can, hopefully, see an end in sight, and now I've started to detach myself the true reality of what I've been dealing with from him over the past few years is becoming very clear to me, it's like waking from a hypnotic state. I'd recommend you see a solicitor and find out what you can expect if you decide to file for divorce. Most solicitors do a half-hour free initial appointment and it's amazing what you can cover in half an hour. If you don't earn enough to rent, would you get benefits once separated from him that would allow you to? I'm pretty sure there will be people on here who will know about this, and I think there's an online benefits calculator you can use.

Your EA H is probably used to being in control and telling you what you can/should do so you need to start distance yourself from this and believe that you can get away. He will try to convince that you can't and if that doesn't work he'll try and charm you back (the latter is what my H is currently doing though I'm sure the rage will return once we start talking about finances).

But there is loads of support on here and life is too short and precious to waste on a man who is EA. flowers

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 08:56:28

Thank you.

It's good to have support.

I do still love him and want it to work but I can't change him into a different person.

I've had therapy for anxiety over the past year and it has opened my eyes over what the causes of my anxiety are.

I've started making my own decisions and pressing on regardless of his disapproval and he doesn't like it.

AtticaSilver Fri 24-Feb-17 09:03:30

Men who behave like this don't like it when the people they've been controlling start to stand up to them and make their own decisions, and I've only rarely read on here of people whose EA OHs have changed. Even if my H changed now I wouldn't trust that it was for any other reason than to bring me back into line, before he reverted to the behaviour he's most comfortable with. The very wise pudding21 recently wrote that we will all know when we're ready and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for staying and trying to make things work. But if you're considering leaving knowledge is power, and finding out all you can about what you might be entitled to in terms of financial assistance and also thinking about the other practicalities involved in leaving might give you strength.

pudding21 Fri 24-Feb-17 09:22:07

Attica: so lovely calling me wise <3. I hope things are ok with you, I know its hell. Just hope you can sort your finances out soon.

notmywords: I replied to another thread yesterday. Have a look at some websites and start reading about what it is that has happened to you. I bet in all other walks of life you don't have any issues and people see you as an independent strong woman. When I have told some people things they are absolutely gobsmacked and most would say, on that incident alone I would have left. I still don't think my ex is a bad person. I still love him. But once you get your head around the fact that you deserve better, you will get strength from somewhere and you will think "f**k this shit, I am more than this".

Are you a pleaser? I am, hugely empathetic, I can feel people from a distance, I hate upsetting people, hate confrontation. A great match for a EA'er. I think I can read people well, but I was sucked into this false sense of love. Its not true love if the other person seems to feel its ok to destroy you to make them feel better. Its not.

I am meeting my ex at 10 this morning to watch the kids in the carnaval parade. I am sure I will feel guilty again as I say goodbye. But I know mentally I am in a much clearer and better place today, than I was 3 weeks ago.

I'm sure lots more people will be on for advice. Stay strong.

pudding21 Fri 24-Feb-17 09:24:10

Oh and this is just an example. On Wednesday I had to go back to the house to pick my medical records up as I had a Drs appointment that afternoon. A doctors appointment to book a mamogram and get some dodgy moles checked out. He knew, has he asked? Has he heck as like. And this is the man who cares and loves for me so much. Its all shit. He has a distorted view of love from his parents, and to some extent so do I.

Just start putting events together and it will become clear.

pudding21 Fri 24-Feb-17 09:32:18

Do you have children? How old are they? How long have you been together? Do you work? Have you got anyone you could go to?

AtticaSilver Fri 24-Feb-17 09:33:51

I hope this morning goes well pudding. I'm going to spend the morning getting together all the bank statements etc. that the solicitors need. And hope H will be doing the same!

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Fri 24-Feb-17 09:38:52

One piece of invaluable advice that I picked up on here is that you can start to claim tax credits if the relationship is over, even if you're still living together but intend to move out. Short term and only if you qualify of course.

Give them a call and ask their advice. I've done this and the CTC claim was backdated to two months before my partner actually moved out.

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 10:01:11

That's good advice.

I have two children 11 and 8. We have been together over 20 years. Married for 13.

The main issue I have is how he treats the children, and how his behaviour is rubbing off on them.

The constant reward punishment cycle, the spoilt outbursts.

When I pull DS1 up on his behaviour he often says 'well Dad does' and I know he is right.

pudding21 Fri 24-Feb-17 11:30:37

notmywords: I felt his behaviour was also rubbing of on ME and the kids. I am a very passive person by nature but when he hurt me and I was upset, I would have less patience with the boys and on and on it goes. The eldest has said a few hurtful things to me, sounding like his dad, but I have let them go over my head and talked to him about it. Its not his fault of course but it cuts deep.

You are doing this for the right reasons. I was in denial for ages about the affect it might be having on the kids, he still is. The house is much much more relaxed. This morning getting ready for school was a breeze compared to how it was before.

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 12:24:23

That's how I feel.

It's the constant picking fault, nothing being good enough and the knee jerk 'why should I?' reaction to everything I ask.

It's all tit for tat 'I'm not picking that up because I didn't leave it there' 'I'm not doing that because you wouldn't do that'

I'm sick of say 'if we all just say yes to each other then we all get what we want'

hellsbellsmelons Fri 24-Feb-17 13:14:21

Have you spoken to Womens Aid?
0808 2000 247
And Shelter may be able to advise you.
Do you own the house you are in now?
Do you have family at all?

OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet Fri 24-Feb-17 13:29:34

Omg this post has hit home with me, especially today. After a particularly bad week I am in emotional turmoil.ive had lunch made for me, I'm getting love poems and the whole time I'm feeling like the most unreasonable bitch, the full blown charm offensive is starting to work, I can feel myself doubting myself, perhaps I am too sensitive or perhaps I do need help because I'm crazy. I was being screamed at at half four yesterday morning that I was crazy and need help and to fuck off. Apparently Im overreacting and jist milking the situation, everyone talks to eachother like that when they are angry. I feel like I'm in a fog, like I can't see clearly and no matter how much I try I can't get out of this.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 24-Feb-17 14:11:59

Ahhh... the Jekyll and Hyde cycle.
It's called 'hoovering' and it appears to be working OFGS
Do you have your own thread going?
If not then start one and get some help, advice and support from the experienced people on here!

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 15:21:47

OFGS that sounds horrible.

I know what you mean about normalised behaviour and the fog.

You're not crazy. You know what respectful treatment looks like and that is what you deserve.

OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet Fri 24-Feb-17 15:50:24

I'm sorry I kind of stole your post lol, it's just been a horrendous week, with not a lot of sleep. Thing is I know that the nice him will make an appearance for a few days, he seems to push me just short of my limit then he turns ultra nice, to the point I'm left feeling guilty. It's hard when you still love someone. Ive tried to make plans for most of the weekend but money's tight as I've paid all the bills from my salary and he's now decided he's going to split his half over four weeks (he usually pays a lump sum into my account) as security incase I 'kick him out' I'll be fine though I'll just keep myself busy. Posts like this help me believe that I'm not imagining all this and that hopefully one day I'll stop doubting myself long enough to tell him to fuck off.

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 15:55:44

I agree.

Although sometimes I think having support from others makes it more bearable so you put up with it for longer. I doubt it though.

DH has issued something of an ultimatum in a 'I am thinking about leaving' kind of way. I think he was hoping to scare me but it didn't really.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 24-Feb-17 16:05:07

He's given you an ultimatum.
Classic.
Tell him to leave then if that's how he feels.
He'll soon back pedal!

OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet Fri 24-Feb-17 16:08:31

Lol yep he said the very same this morning, you're crazy I'm moving out, I was to frightened to say yesssssss incase he only stays to teach me a lesson lol. He says everything pisses me off and I'm always miserable but really I think he likes me being sad, I don't fight back as much.
I know what you mean about having here to vent makes it easier to bear but today it's helped. I hope you're ok.

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 16:10:26

I did suggest he stayed somewhere else for a bit. He said 'I'm not going anywhere' but not in a nice way.

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 16:22:31

Everybody who has been through it says 'don't leave the house' though.

EliCon Fri 24-Feb-17 16:23:05

Is there the option to seek help from your parents?

pudding21 Fri 24-Feb-17 16:31:04

notmywords: I left my house that we built together. Its a beautiful house and its the only one my youngest has known (he was a baby when we moved). I left one because he wouldn't be able to cope to do it himself and offer the same level of stability I can to the kids, two, because I had to get away asap and staying would have dragged it out. Three, because its just bricks and mortar. Its not my "home" anymore. I haven't felt comfortable there for ages.

Most people will advise you to stay, maybe get legal advice first and make sure you have copies of all the documents. But if you feel your mental health is suffering and he really won't leave, sometimes there is only one option.

i borrowed some money, that is how I did it.

notmywords Fri 24-Feb-17 16:33:55

My parents are both dead. I have family but no one we can stay with.

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