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Do I end my relationship?

(49 Posts)
needanothercat Sat 11-Feb-17 18:02:04

I don't know what I am expecting posting on here but I feel like I don't know what to do or whether I am overreacting.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant and I am not sure whether it is my hormones or whether I should be genuinely questioning my relationship.

I feel like we do nothing but bicker and my tolerance for it has drastically reduced lately. I feel like he always has double standards ie we were (very gently) play fighting in bed this morning and because I poked his belly button he flicked his wrist and bopped me in the face, right in the eye and made it water and I instantly got my ass out because if that were the other way around he would be going mad at me although I would have apologised straight away. I know it sounds trivial but this belongs to a longish list of things that are infuriating me lately.

One thing that is really getting me down is the fact that he has no interest in conversations about our baby. A little back story on this- my 1st child, his 3rd plus large age gap between us. When I fell pregnant he lost the plot. Didn't want me to continue the pregnancy even telling me "get rid of the fucking thing". After everything calmed down and he got his head around the shock, he apologised and things have been fine since. I have had an awful pregnancy with my own health issues, HG etc but he has been supportive for the most part (1st few weeks were "you wouldn't be feeling so I'll if you weren't pregnant") but we have gotten over the initial turbulence of the pregnancy a day returned to a fairly good place bar this increasing bickering and my feelings of is this really the relationship I want?

He has no interest in getting baby things ready, no interest in the cute clothes I am obviously excited about and no interest in general conversation about baby. I think I may be being over sensitive to this as he is and man with few emotions and do even less words but I just want him to share my enthusiasm and dad excitement. When this happens all it leads me to think is that he still doesn't want this baby and his comments still resound in my head.
I know most of this is extremely trivial but I am struggling to know whether this is just my hormones going a little irratic or whether I should genuinely be questioning my future with this man.

I love him dearly but my love seems to be becoming increasingly clouded with resentment and frustration. I know he loves me and is not a bad man despite how he reacted to me being pregnant.

I would have no where to go if I left and I don't want to bring my baby up alone but something keeps telling me that I am not happy.

I appreciate any advice and thank you if you've read the whole post- didn't anticipate it being so long.
Thank you smile

expatinscotland Sat 11-Feb-17 18:03:36

Yes, I'd end that.

Buzzardbird Sat 11-Feb-17 18:04:47

Yes. What is it you love about him exactly?

user1486613612 Sat 11-Feb-17 18:07:06

I don't agree. Wait and see. People end relationships as easy as throwing away magazines they've read on the tube, or swiping left on Tinder.

Juveniledelinquent Sat 11-Feb-17 18:10:36

I don't think you do love him really, as from what you've written he sounds like a complete arse. It's not your hormones it's his unkind behaviour that's the issue and that's not trivial.

You poor thing, being pregnant and everything. Do you have family/friends you can turn too for support?

I really think you need to get out now. flowers

Mermaidinthesea Sat 11-Feb-17 18:13:20

I'd have a good look at why his previous relationship ended and if he supports and sees his other three children.
If his relationship ended very badly and he doesn''t love or support his other three kids and is not a great dad I'd get out now.
A baby needs a calm quiet life, not two adults screaming at each other - it will destroy his/her life I can promise you. Better to leave now than be tussling over this child later.
Can you go back to your parents while you get sorted out? Or a relative?

Underthemoonlight Sat 11-Feb-17 18:13:26

End my ex behaved in a similar fashion and i wish i just did it on my own from the start.

Mermaidinthesea Sat 11-Feb-17 18:14:17

I'd add a pregnant single mum colleague at work rented a flat before she gave birth and then went on to DSS as is very happy.

Emmageddon Sat 11-Feb-17 18:14:25

You love him, he loves you - talk to him, tell him how unhappy you are, tell him how uncertain you are feeling, tell him about your resentment and frustration. Talk it through and come to some kind of compromise - if you genuinely want him to stay in your life full-time.

Is he a good dad to his other children? If so. then the chances are, everything will change when your baby is here, lots of men aren't interested in cute baby clothes and find it hard to actually visualise a real baby at the end of the pregnancy.

Flipthebirdy Sat 11-Feb-17 18:15:24

Sorry that you're feeling sad. I questioned my emotions during pregnancy too. Yes, emotions can be heightened but no you're not overreacting.
What was he/is he like with your other child?
Have you talked to him about your feeling-what has he said?

needanothercat Sat 11-Feb-17 18:17:19

I love how we laugh together, I love that he has been incredibly supportive over the last 5 months when I could barely muster getting out of bed and he has taken all the housework in his stride, I love that he is a good man (despite how my post may make him sound), I love that he told me a few weeks back that he regretted not telling me how pretty I was there and then when I got dressed up for a family meal, I just love him in a way that I can't describe. I don't know how to put love into words. I just don't know whether love is enough or whether my resent is completely stemming from me being hormonal and irrational.

NattyBatty Sat 11-Feb-17 18:19:54

If you both genuinely want the same thing, then most obstacles can be overcome, however it sounds like he doesn't want the same things as you.

If I were in your position I would have a think about what I wanted, what he seems to want (and why you think he wants that), and how his actions have made you feel, then try to sit and have a calm conversation about it (yes, I know that's easier said than done). Maybe consider some couples councelling if you think it would help.

If you can't come to an agreement or if he won't talk, then you need to start working on separate lives which will allow for a healthy environment for the baby.

needanothercat Sat 11-Feb-17 18:21:56

Sorry took too long with that post blush didn't expect so many replies!!

He is a great dad (has 2 other kids not three) pays for them well and has them often and I have a great relationship with them and they are looking forward to baby despite big age gap (late teens). He really is a great father and that's another reason why I love him. He gives (or certainly used to give) me complete doe eyes when I would see him being loving to his children.

I try and tell myself men are different types re the cute clothes etc but it doesn't stop me blowing it up in my mind to thinking he does the actually care!!

How do I separate hormones to real feelings?

Velvian Sat 11-Feb-17 18:22:06

I think you should seriously discuss ending it. Sounds like he's punishing you for being pregnant & you have no time for that you have a baby to prepare for. Time for him to pull his socks up.

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots Sat 11-Feb-17 18:22:22

In the face of what you have had to endure from him I do not think you are being just hormonal. I think I would try for mental clarity as mentioned above and try and look at his behaviour with others in his life, his other kids etc dispassionately and make my decision based on that in addition to what you know about him. I would really struggle to come back from his attitude though and would probably be looking for a way out if I'm honest.

needapaddle Sat 11-Feb-17 18:22:35

How did you fall pregnant (I get the concept obviously - but did contraception fail, was there any prior conversation etc), if it did fail or you were both knowingly having unprotected sex then did he not realise he was equally responsible? If so then him flipping out would have been the first red flag.

Is he much older with grown up kids - or are you very young? I don't get the whole 'play fighting' between adults thing, strikes me as very odd & his reaction proves why (such a fine line between real and 'play', why do it at all?).

Also as PP's said - why do you love him 'dearly'? There aren't any clues as to why you would in your OP, he just sounds like a dick.

needanothercat Sat 11-Feb-17 18:24:01

Oh and FYI we don't argue a lot and no screaming or shouting for baby. That would cement me decision if it came to that.

I find it hard to talk atm cause all I do is cry over everything. I at am incapable of holding a conversation if I am crying so much!

needanothercat Sat 11-Feb-17 18:26:45

I was rubbish at taking the pill so he thought it wasn't a possibility. I hold my hands up to being irresponsible.

I'm nearly 30 he's mid 40s with older teens for context

Marilynsbigsister Sat 11-Feb-17 20:04:52

So I guess what happened is one of the oldest stories going. Your baby clock was ticking loudly . You wanted a baby and your boyfriend wasn't smart enough to realise you were not being entirely honest about contraception. From what you've said it's impossible to say if you actually deceived him- but you sure as hell didn't ever sit down and say I would like a baby, I am not going to take proper responsibility for contraception.. if you don't want a baby you need to use condoms.
That was very unfair of you.

Equally - he is a grown adult and needed to take responsibility for his own fertility. Especially with a girlfriend in her 30s who wanted children.

Does he want children? I doubt it very much. The phrase been there done that springs to mind. He has late teenage children- same as me. I love them all to bits. Would I want another baby ? No - definitely not. Can't think of anything I would rather not do.

If he had been part of the decision making process this would be a completely different situation. There will be lots of leaping up and down and screaming at me for saying this - and that by having sex with you without a condom he was signing up for possible pregnancy. That is true.

You can make him jointly responsible in law. You can't make him want it. That is the one thing that has still to be his decision.

EmilyRosanne Sat 11-Feb-17 20:17:32

I think a lot of men don't show an interest in baby clothes, cute baby things etc. and generally are still just as in love with the baby when they arrive as the mother is but they just don't get all gooey eyed over baby things.

It sounds like he really didn't want any more children and although it does take two, you obviously did want a baby or you would have made sure to protect yourself from pregnancy, he didn't want another so you can't really expect him to be as excited as you.

Buzzardbird Sat 11-Feb-17 20:17:34

I don't know any men that would fawn over "cute clothing".

needanothercat Sat 11-Feb-17 20:22:04

Marilynsbigsister

I understand what you are saying but it doesn't change the fact that this is happening to me right now. This is our life, not a situation I can go back and change. We had always spoken about me wanting children and he would always say he would rather do it again with me then lose me but then sometimes change his mind.

I have never been very good taking the pill, even before I met him, but had to choose that option for various irrelevant reasons.

I went to the initial consultation to have a termination but could not do it so then gave him the option to leave me and he could have as much or as little to do with the baby if he really didn't want this but he chose to stay with me and we agreed to make the most of the situation and slowly became normal expectant parents. It's his lack of interest that make me believe he resents me/baby/us both.

I don't know whether us separating will be best in the long run or not.

I do love him, and he loves me, despite how I may have written down our situation. But is love enough- I don't know.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sat 11-Feb-17 20:31:33

My DH had zero interest in baby talk. Clothes, names, decorating the nursery etc. etc. Zilch.

Once the baby arrived he was besotted, and is as good a parent as you could wish for.

It sounds like a horrible start to your pregnancy (I assume he has apologised?) but if his only failing since then is that he doesn't melt at the sight of tiny booties I would not consider it a problem.

needanothercat Sat 11-Feb-17 20:34:20

Guys, I really do realise he wasn't going to gush over the cute little dinosaur baby gro like I was grin I really do understand that. That was just one example of how I don't know whether I am reading in to things too much. Its just always in the back of my mind what he said even after he apologised and said he never meant it.

All I wonder is how much I am being over sensitive to things and/or hormonal compared to real thoughts and concerns about the longevity of my relationship.

thethoughtfox Sat 11-Feb-17 21:35:33

None of this is 'trivial'. He didn't want the baby and isn't interested in it now. This doesn't bode well. I'm sorry.

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