Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Doomed to be emotionally anxious forever-Maybe it was too good to be true(38 Posts)
My first ever post
I am 41 and live with my two teenage sons, I am now 3 years down the line of escaping from a 17year emotionally abusive relationship. The last year I have tried dating sites. I had 2 kinda on off relationship but both guys came with lots of issues and my anxiety levels about them texting me seeing me were out of control, the second relationship I ended as he was very manipulative and wanted me but didn't want to see me he would text every day to string me along I eventually ended it as I was getting upset at why he would text/call but not want to see me.(ended it in October)
I went back on the dating site and 2 weeks ago I met someone and the spark was instant in those two weeks we have seen each other 4 times, including being out for dinner drinks, called text every day he was even on holiday in Vegas for 6 days out the two weeks and called me and brought me a gift back, in short the way he treats me and speaks to me Iv never had a male partner be so nice and lovely to me!! Then it happened yesterday the anxiety set in, I knew he was working all day but the night before I thought he was a bit distant (gut feeling) I waited on a text from him and had received nothing (feel ridiculous like a teenager) so by 8pm I text asked how his day was he replied it was long and he was shattered I said I'll give u a call he said "I will call you in 5 babe" after 2 hours waiting he never called, I tried to call him but just rang out. My anxiety overcame me and I sent a text saying have I done somthing wrong? Please tell me? If your not interested anymore please have the decency to tell me I really don't want hurt Iv told you that blah blah and went to bed really upset as I thought I'd finally found someone decent, I was awake most of the night racking my brains trying to figure out what I'd done wrong, maybe had too much wine on last date? Maybe shouldn't have stayed over? What have I done now?? In a bid to have some dignity after the texts I sent him etc I deleted his number as a safety measure for me, but I received a text from him this morning: Iv just copied and pasted it:
i babe just really bad day , now heading to work. I really do like you have had issues with ex for last 3 days so head a bit messed up sexy sorry xx
I haven't replied?? Is this a red flag? Do I just give him space? Do I ask him do u want to see me again? I am just anxious it's going to head like the others and I become the chaser and a wreck!! I thinking I will reply I am here if you need someone to talk too??
I now know I have a day of anxiety ahead of me thanks in advance
Are you able to leave it alone OP and not message him? Because honestly what he does is about him and not you and I think you should leave it alone.
I do have to say Vegas is a strange place and people do go a bit nuts there so do you suspect something happened when he was out there? (I've been there on sales conferences)
No I don't think anything happens in Vegas apart from the usual gambling and drinking but no he was fine when I seen him after it and he said he had a brilliant time, he went with friends to see the boxing.
Do you mean leave it alone completely?
Thanks for replying x
Hi Chick, does he know about your anxiety? I am not sure what to think about him. Ok, even if he's been having some issues with the ex, the could've just rang you quickly or text you saying got some stuff going on, don't feel like talking but everything ok? He didn't, so to me that is not a good sign. You are either interested or not. I think if you continue with this, it's not going to help your anxiety at all. I would not respond, he last texted you so he can be the one feeling anxious for the day when you don't respond. Don't let him treat you like that, you are worth more. You didn't go through 17 years of shit to be worrying about a dickhead who can't be bothered to treat you with respect. It is NOTHING that you did wrong, he is an arsehole. Better to have a day of anxiety today than a lifetime of it with this bloke. He doesn't suit your anxiety, end of. Take care.
I was wondering if you did the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid after leaving the previous abusive relationship. If you did not I would seriously consider doing this now and not date in the meantime.
What has caused your anxiety levels to be so high?. Was that caused by this abusive relationship as well?. Why do you have such a need to chase?. It needs addressing.
I would also look at what you learnt about relationships when growing up as there could well be a whole host of damaging stuff that needs to be unlearnt.
It seems to be that your relationship radar is still skewed and you are picking what are unsuitable men, it may well be that you are choosing men really like your ex was and is. I do not think this current person is much good for you either; relationships should not be such hard work honestly and he does not sound ready to embark on a relationship either.
Do your over thinking on here with us and don't text him today apart from a simple reply perhaps. Then try and go out and have a nice day so you're busy and not dwelling on it all.
But if you keep sending him messages like that so early on it might put him off to be honest. I'd stick to light upbeat messages with facts and not too much feelings if that makes sense?
My bf often falls asleep on the sofa knackered and won't reply until morning so it's not always a bad thing not to hear from them. Try not to over think.
He's just told you he has ex issues but doesn't say what? Kids? Money? This could be anything.
I would take a step back. Ex issues are a concern.
I had someone do this to me and I know how it feels, it invoked a horrible feeling of dread inside me. But giving him the benefit of the doubt this is just one evening this has happened.
I will say this very kindly, it's been 2 weeks and you are really over invested. I get how hard it is but it's not good for you or a potential relationship. After 2 weeks he doesn't have any obligation to check in with you night and day, I think it's obviously been quite full on up till now which is why you are sensitive to any little drop off. People have bad days. Also he isn't committed to you yet, don't see every sign that it's about you - you don't know him yet, you will slowly get to know him over time but if you are too intense too soon, this could be bad for you because you are placing your self worth on a text.
Please please consider reading up or getting counselling on anxiety and self esteem, there are some good books out there that can help you detach your self worth from a mans attention and also concentrate on liking yourself again and building up your interests/social life so that you aren't staying awake with anxiety over this. Also anxiety techniques.
Otherwise you could head for one of those rollercoasters where you need reassurance all the time and that's hard for someone to keep up with. You need to build up your self confidence and resilience
I think it's really dangerous to announce to someone you have anxiety so require a certain level of 'checking in' and if they miss it, you demand/require an explanation and automatically think the worst. He didn't call you when he said he would, I get that, but overalll he hasn't done anything dreadful and I don't think blaming him or saying he isn't right for you is fair.
Agree that you should try the freedom programme or some counselling as it sounds like you have some residual issues from your previous relationship or even further back than that. Again, that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. When you do meet someone, they You need someone who understands you and this guy doesn't. Even with the benefit of th doubt, the rudest part for me was not answering the phone when you rang or even responding with a quick text. Get yourself sorted first and then the right person will come along when you are ready. Look after yourself and stop worrying about what he thinks of you, he hasn't gone to work this morning particularly bothered about what you think about him and his rudeness. Sorry if this is blunt, I just woke up today in a bad mood that there are so many arse holes on this earth 😀
I honestly fail to see how this guy is an asshole?! Could he have not been asleep?!
Yes I meant don't message him and leave it alone until he contacts you. I also think you are bit over invested too quickly and should take a step back and work on yourself xxx
Yes he could've been asleep, so why not say that in the text this morning? I do take the point that you are making BumDC, if anything I just think that OP's anxiety doesn't sit well with someone who was, I understand, texting and calling every day and then distant Friday night and no contact Saturday. Even if he is just a laid back guy, and he could well be, OP's anxiety at the moment doesn't deal well with 'easygoing'.
What jeaux says. After that amount of time, I'd have said have a good holiday & message me when you're back.
Because thy have been dating 2 weeks. He already said he had a long day of work and was tired.
Ok if I was dating a guy for 2 weeks and he said to me 'I have been treated badly in the past and had bad experiences' then backed this up with needing me to be in communication to make him feel reassured that I was still into him, even after I had told him I was really tired after work, and had work on Sunday then I would be wondering if this would be healthy
the text I would send back would say I hope you feel better today (after telling you clearly he was shattered) and have a good day
It doesn't really sound to me like you're in the right headspace to be dating.
I would add to the recommendations for the FReedom programme and also counselling for anxiety, because your anxiety levels are obviously quite difficult to handle. They would be difficult for other people to handle too.
Yes I agree with that BumDC. After 2 weeks, whichever way you look at it, it is probably not healthy. I think all I am trying to say is that Op needs to do some work on herself to work out why she gets anxious 2 weeks in, but also that there are certain types of personalities that will never suit someone who tends to be anxious.
ITs true he might just not get it, maybe he is too laid back but that's not a bad trait, it can be quite complimentary for someone with anxiety (which I have) to be around someone laid back. Don't let your anxiety rule you. You deserve to be free of that. I just don't want to see this bloke vilified for falling asleep after a long tired day. He might be an asshole but he might not be!
Thank you all for all your messages they have been really helpful
I agree my past relationships are a huge part of my anxiety and normally I have this under control I am unsure if it is because I like him so much that it peaked yesterday when realistically I know he just came back from Vegas on wed then spent 24 hours with me on Thursday then had his daughter and her friend over for an overnight on the Friday then work sat and Sunday. So realistically I get why he was shattered!!! I don't think it's money worries or anything like that I think it's more to do with the Ex was unhappy he had went away I get the impression she is controlling he has been separated for over 2 years has his own house etc all of that is pretty much in order.
I do think I need to be more breezy and less invested I think that's a very good point I wear my heart on my sleeve far too much and to be fair I thought he was similar to me in that respect.
After my 17 year relationship I did go to woman's aid via a programme called Eva I have had some counciling but I think over all I do contain it well and I am a million miles away from were I was. Maybe it's a need to feel wanted I lost my dad at 15 and my mum when I was 32 not sure if that even effect my anxiety or not.
I think I will reply with a nice clear text and take on board not to pour my heart out at this stage.
I don't think he's an asshole my gut feeling has been that he's not but I do think he could have sent a quick text to say all is ok.
Thank you all for taking the time to help me xxxxxxxxx
I would enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme and not date in the meantime. I do not think your head is in the right place at all to embark on a relationship. All this in two weeks, its all far too much and far too soon. You do not know each other at this stage and I would argue he is not ready for a relationship either.
A need to feel wanted is something that you certainly need to address because that will cause you problems big time. It already has (your previous abusive relationship).
I would certainly recommend enrolling on the Freedom Programme particularly if you have not yet done this.
Love your own self for a change.
Thank you for the advice I have replied the simple message as suggested nothing heavy xxxxx
Am gonna be blunt here, OP..
Sounds like you 'normally have your anxiety under control' when you 'are not in a relationship' but as soon as a bloke comes along you totally lose your shit.
This is your own issue and it needs addressing in proper psychotherapy.
You have known this man for two short weeks. Two weeks does not 'a relationship' make. He is little more than a stranger.
He may not have done anything massively wrong here except be knackered/jet lagged BUT, after staying awake all night 'wracking your brains' your boundaries and standards are too fooked to act accordingly anyway.
Do NOT send him any messages today. Pull right back. Stop the massive investment, protect yourself, distract yourself, love yourself, ask your self 'is this what I want'
And tomorrow look on the BACP website for some professional help.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.