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7 months separated and have fallen down a bit of a black hole

(29 Posts)
Teepish Thu 02-Feb-17 22:16:56

Just wanting to check this is normal really

Thought I was doing really well - H thrown out last summer because of OW. Marriage wasn't great for a long time beforehand and split was coming anyway. H now in relationship with OW and sees our dd regularly, she adores him and really likes OW. This was almost overwhelming to deal with at first but I managed. Even though H has been nothing but disrespectful, rude and unhelpful with me the entire time.
So anyway. Had an evening out with a friend a couple of weeks ago that I was really looking forward to, and it ended up falling flat. I realised that I had changed,and no longer enjoyed what I used to for years. Next morning I woke up in my quiet, empty house (dd with her dad) and felt so completely alone. It was awful. I cried all day.
Since then I've just gone through the motions - have done all the basics for dd but haven't fed myself properly, house is a mess, haven't even showered as much as I should have - was going to an exercise class I loved but haven't been in 2 weeks. I feel like I've died inside sad
The cold, hard truth that I've been trying to deny for so long is that I am still heartbroken that dd no longer has her parents together for her as a proper family, that I LONG for a kind, loving man who wants to look after us, and that I simply prefer leading a quiet life on my own without much socializing in the meantime. It feels too boring and sad but its what I actually want.
Almost signed up to online dating but it made me even more upset...I don't want to talk to/date these strange made me feel vulnerable and insecure.
Sorry this is so long, can anyone reassure me that this is a normal part of the separating process sad

Teepish Thu 02-Feb-17 22:35:23

Hopeful bump

Kittencatkins123 Thu 02-Feb-17 22:50:06

Maw I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I've never been through a divorce but some big relationship break ups (living together) and the truth is the only thing that helps is time and being kind to yourself. Don't rush back into dating - plenty of time for that when you're feeling more robust.

What do you like doing that you've stopped doing (e.g. exercise, art, going to gigs etc) that you could do to keep you distracted (and enjoy!) when you're not with DD. I find exercise so helpful - could you do a load of classes at a gym or go running? Have you got friends and family you can lean on?

You will get through this flowers

Kittencatkins123 Thu 02-Feb-17 22:50:37

And yes, totally normal!!!!!

Kittencatkins123 Thu 02-Feb-17 22:55:23

Sorry, just saw that you missed your exercise class. If you're finding it hard to get out and do things could you do some exercise at home, or just try to get out for a walk/run as it's immediate. Could you arrange to do the class with a friend so you are more likely to go? I have classes at work that I sign up for and therefore would feel guilty if I didn't go. Exercise is so good when you're feeling low as I'm sure you know.

Have you had/thought about getting some low cost counselling?

Teepish Thu 02-Feb-17 23:14:40

Hi Kitten, thanks for replying.

I'm due to start counselling soon funnily enough, I thought I'd done enough venting but realise there's still more left. Not sure when it's going to start though, what with waiting lists.
I must force myself back to my class and really make an effort improving my diet. It's so difficult when you're stuck in a rut.
long drawn out sigh...... I have a very small set of people I can lean on but I'm a bit of a loner at heart. Moreso now than ever before - I think I'm finally accepting that for the first time in my life.

wideboy26 Thu 02-Feb-17 23:34:05

I too have discovered I'm a loner since I've been retired. I'm happily married and my wife still works so I have 5 consecutive days all to myself. Others go out with friends doing all sorts, but I'm perfectly happy cycling alone, shopping alone and generally pottering around at home with the radio for company. I do help out at a local primary school for half an hour a week and I sing in a choir which involves rehearsals one evening a week, but other than that the only person with whom I have regular contact is my wife. I realise the potential danger in this situation, but I'm perfectly happy. Being a loner is OK!

Teepish Thu 02-Feb-17 23:58:42

Hello wideboy, oh that's so reassuring to read from someone else blush

I have turned down nights out with work colleagues even though I enjoy their company, because I don't care for drinking as much as I used to and it would all feel out of my comfort zone. I wasn't like that in my twenties!
Following my heart and soul makes me feel like a boring weirdo sad but I am happier that way, so it can't be that bad can it...?

MotherofA Fri 03-Feb-17 00:09:33

Ahhhh bless you. You sound like you have dealt with the situation in the most responsible , mature way I have heard in a long time ! So sorry to hear what you are going through . Only time will make this one better but do try listing things you love in your life daily and use DD as a positive distraction smile

Teepish Fri 03-Feb-17 00:46:30

MotherofA oh that made me cry!! Thank you

I have known my H for almost a decade, been through so much with him, had a daughter, but due to his lies and cruelty I've had to learn how to try and forget his existence. It was easy at first because I hated him (and still do really), but now the dust has settled I can also still see what a vulnerable, insecure, lost little boy he is and after knowing him for so long I feel like I want to hug him and say I did actually love you - but you weren't capable of loving me back properly. And I wish he would hug me and say sorry. But he can't.

StrartinngfromHere Fri 03-Feb-17 04:13:33

Hi OP I think it is really normal to have a slump round about 7 months after a breakup. Adrenaline has kept you going until now and it is just starting to sink in that this has really happened.

It's a good thing that you are going for counselling shortly. I went at about the same stage and found it very helpful.

I think it is also normal to start discovering the joys of being alone. I certainly did. My exH loved parties and would stay until the bitter end. I hate them so one of the first decisions I made was that I was never going to another party and I haven't smile I just plead a prior engagement.

Most people do move on to another relationship at some point, but it sounds as if you are not ready yet. Now really is the time to put yourself first and look after yourself.

If you don't want to go to the gym, ( I wouldn't either), how about a walk in a local park or take yourself off to a country pub for a stroll in the countryside and a nice lunch or join a local netball team or sign up for a climbing wall or learn to canoe or sail or surf - whatever you fancy, you are free to choose now so choose something fun.

If you CBA to shower, how would you feel about swapping it for a soak in a hot bath with lovely scented oils and a candle burning instead?

See, you don't have to suffer, you can do things which are good for you, but which are treats and IME the way to build yourself back up again is to look after yourself and do what feels good.

I think a large part of being a happy single is amassing lots of things which you enjoy doing and doing them regularly. For example, although I work on computers all day, I always buy the actual newspaper rather than reading it online and look forward to sitting down to read it with a cup of coffee before I start work. In Summer I sit out in the garden to do it. That wouldn't be a treat for lots of people but actually it is something I really enjoy and choose to do daily.

Or another example: I love the smell of a particular brand of hair conditioner so I always make sure I have a supply of it and I use it at weekends only (so it remains a treat). Aim for at least 4 or 5 small treats or pleasures a day which work for you and have fun finding them.

Your breakup is still pretty recent and there will be good patches and bad patches, but the overall trend will be upwards.

And yes I think it is also normal to still have some kind feelings for your ex, but also recognise that they are really not worthy of your time and attention and you will not get back together. It just means that you are a decent empathetic person. Thankfully it is no longer your job to fix him!

Shayelle Fri 03-Feb-17 07:33:24

They say there is 5 stages to grief... which is what you are going through... grieving the loss of your r'ship. There is a 'depression' stage which i think is the 4th stage. Dont be hard on yourself you are just going through part of a process. That is what helped me when Ive gone through it flowers

Cakingbad Fri 03-Feb-17 07:41:55

Very normal to have a major slump I think. It will pass. If you don't fancy your exercise class at present, make a resolution to go back to it in September. In the meantime, what about something hands on but soothing like a class in pottery, cake decorating, jewellery making?

Angryangryyoungwoman Fri 03-Feb-17 08:03:59

Just to add, look after yourself, some lovely suggestions above.
The stages of grief are not linear, you may pass through one and revisit it again, you may skip a stage, etc. Just remember, it will get better. Much better as your life does now not include being lied to. You can do whatever you like

tinglyfing Fri 03-Feb-17 08:47:24

I have very similar feelings to you. Totally relate. It's a kind of grieving process I think. Can be quite scary. We'll get there.

Hermonie2016 Fri 03-Feb-17 09:19:22

I was also going to say when the adrenalin phase stops you are likely to feel a low.

I definitely recommend getting good outside for a walk, often if you move you can change your thoughts/moods.
I also recommend mindfulness, on YouTube.Lots of inspirational stuff around.

I am still in the 3 month phase and some days it's so hard but it's a case of 1 small step each day.

Blobby10 Fri 03-Feb-17 09:49:10

Teepish although my children are older and my 20 year marriage ended amicably without any OW or OM involved, I could have written your post so many times over the past 18 months. You are grieving for the loss of someone who you believed would be with you forever as well as for your daughter losing the perfect world you want for her!

Last year, I went out socially just twice - once in February and once in May. In early December I went on a date and really felt my life was changing for the better. Then Christmas came and ExH announced he was introducing his 'new lady' to his mum and our kids and it knocked my feet from under me again. Added to that my date (who I had completely over invested in and liked way too much already) went back to his ex. I cried myself to sleep every night, during the day I cried every time my (nearly adult) kids werent around, then slid back into a very dark place and have only just come out of it.

But you know what? Its making me stronger every time. I'm starting to see my Ex without a shiny sign over his head saying 'look what you let go'. I can acknowledge that hes actually a bit of a dick and that Im better without him. The next 1-2 year will be hard for you but my advice is take it slow. Find out who YOU are again - the real you - you will always be your DDs mum but not your cheating Exs wife any more so find YOU!!!

Oh and keep coming back here cos even though I didn't post much I found MN to be a place full of amazing women (and men!) who have been through way worse times than me but who are willing to share their bits of advice and their tips to making it through.

Teepish Fri 03-Feb-17 10:26:50

Oh hello everyone thanks for the kind replies smile
Strartinng that was a lovely, calming post to read! Thank you. I'm currently back in bed for an hour in a darkened room to try and calm my mind. I didn't sleep well last night. I'm going to have a think about all the things I normally enjoy in life and make a point of doing them again. I used to love a good party but at this time of my life I find them stressful - I wish I could just accept that and stop feeling self conscious about it!
Tingly and Hermione I wish you all the best with this. It is bloody hard, the hardest thing I've ever been through. One day all the upset will be a vague memory, I cling to that thought flowers
Blobby I'm sorry to hear about your sad time over Christmas sad what a double whammy and its just not fair, is it. You're right though, you are getting stronger everyday, I feel it too even through the bleakness. So far it's been quite the revelation getting to know the real me - and at my age its about time I accepted myself, rather than thinking I'm not enough like I did in my twenties (no wonder I ended up in a bad relationship).

Mumsnet is a life line. flowers

Teabay Fri 03-Feb-17 10:37:01

You'll be great again, but differently.
Someone on MN said that it is an actual rollercoaster journey and that really helps me.
I divorced my xh last yr and now live with my DC in another house.
I thought I was getting better but I'm down again. Now I imagine a rollercoaster - always moving forward but still going up and down - I'm not on a train track yet!
I also think of a heart monitor with a zig zag pattern. Recently I've been in intensive care with extreme up and downs, but now I can see the other side I'm looking forward to settling into a regular heartbeat.
Congratulations on taking yourself back to bed - best medicine xx

InTheMoodForLove Fri 03-Feb-17 11:04:13

helo I was going to reply but then read StrartinngfromHere and she pretty much covered what I was going to say and in a much more articulated way I could do anyway...

Just want to stand up and scream out .... Moroccan Oil Mask ! I use moroccan oil regularly but for the weekly treat wink its the hair mask ! Scrumptious smell imo

Ok... I'll calm down now

noego Fri 03-Feb-17 15:38:08

The negative thoughts are overwhelming your rationale and logical mind at the moment.
Try to stop overthinking things and concentrate on what you want in life. Not in a selfish way, but in a self centred way. Experience and discover what is good for you. Do things that are positive for you, discard negative things. Slowly things will turn to being more positive than negative. One morning you will wake up and discover everything in your life is positive.
Then you will be ready to socialise, date, live and love.

MotherofA Fri 03-Feb-17 18:50:39

Ahhhhh op I really feel for you ! You will get there and it will get easier , keep your chin up and love yourself now flowers

Shayelle Sat 04-Feb-17 08:08:57

Hope you feel a bit better today teepish x

Teepish Sat 04-Feb-17 19:25:31

Hello everyone, thanks for asking Shayelle I am feeling a bit better, I've planned some things to do in the following weeks with dd and am looking forward to Spring and the sunshine, getting out more will no doubt help me.
Managed to pull myself half out of the gloom. I know I must be improving because I've had another war of words with H over an ongoing problem with his csa payments and was able to stand my ground without crumbling (I still had the shakes a little though!)
I posted a quick emergency thread about it earlier as he had me in a bit of a fog. It's what he does to avoid responsibility, he is awful.

Shayelle Sat 04-Feb-17 20:52:03

Glad youre feeling a bit brighter teepish. Youll have downs then ups ... then downs and ups again. MN is always here if you feel like youre slipping flowers

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