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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I expecting too much from my husband?

46 replies

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 22:59

Regular poster but NC to avoid being recognised.

Married 5 years, together for 3 before we married. Friends before that to. Have a 4yo and a baby. We have no family who help us - everything falls to Dh and me.

Dh works 4 days a week and sometimes does overtime. I work PT tho currently on maternity leave. I "keep house" my Dh does all the cooking and food shopping. He likes cooking, sees it as a hobby. I hate it so that arrangement works well.

We live in a nice house, in a nice area. Have foreign holidays, eat out regularly etc. On the face of it, and on paper we probably look happy.

But I'm lonely. Dh is not bothered about spending time with me. We haven't had sex since baby conceived last January. Any kisses / cuddles are instigated by me. I fall asleep by myself - I moved back into master bedroom from spare bedroom just before Christmas and he's come to bed once at the same time as me. Once.

I have to ask him to watch tele with me - he "keeps me company" downstairs watching a film or whatever about once a week. Other than that he's on his computer in his study. Sometimes working, sometimes building computer programmes, sometimes doing fuck all probably. He's not into porn so he's not doing anything "dodgy". He just doesn't want my company.

He's a very hands on dad - I can't fault that. But I feel that's not enough. He's very supportive of any issues / problems I have etc. He makes me laugh. He's just not bothered about living side by side with me iykwim. I'm not a needy person - I enjoy my own company.

I've told him how I feel, many times, but nothing changes. I won't leave him as I wouldn't destroy my children's home. I'm not unhappy as such just unsatisfied....

Is this what marriage is? Is this what life will be like? Not really sure why I'm posting tbh. I guess just to get other people's views.....

OP posts:

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ecuse · 01/02/2017 23:12

Don't really have any advice but this would make me unhappy as well.

ecuse · 01/02/2017 23:13

(And I'm a 'fine with my own company' kinda gal, I don't need to be in someone's company all the time)

esk1mo · 01/02/2017 23:15

does he have a sex drive at all? he might have low testosterone

PickAChew · 01/02/2017 23:16

No, you're not asking too much.

Neither DH nor I are the horniest souls out there, but, even after 14 years together, we get intimate at least every couple of months or so and do spend the odd evening chatting and enjoying each other's company.

Just to say that, for a happy home, children need to have happy parents.

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:24

I'm more than happy to spend time by myself. Most of the time I enjoy it. But I need more than my marriage is offering. I asked him outright this eve if he was happy - he said he is. And he probably is. He doesn't need more.

We went for a walk and then to a cafe on Sunday. I walked with the pram and Dh walked with ds. So at different paces. In the cafe we had nothing to discuss. We basically talk to our children and our lives are around our children. Not each other - though I do try to make it about us too.

It's our anniversary this weekend. He's already told me he probably won't have chance to get me anything! That hurt. He's had the last 5 years to buy an anniversary present. I don't care what it costs - £1 is fine. If I don't give him ideas for presents I can expect to go without generally. He has bought me surprises a couple of times.

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Villagernumber9 · 01/02/2017 23:25

All that I can suggest is, try talking to him.
If he doesn't then, you'll have to ask him where you stand.
That is no life for you.

Eclecticmama · 01/02/2017 23:29

Why don't you make a special effort this anniversary and leave the kids with grandparents and go spend a couple of nights away just the two of you. Sounds like you need to reconnect.
Having a 'date night' once every few weeks would be helpful too

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:29

esk1mo - he doesn't really, no. I don't think he likes to come onto me and he seems happy enough to go without.

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PickAChew · 01/02/2017 23:30

Epically bad Xpost, villager

Honestly, fedup I'd be getting my ducks in a row, at this point. not even about the lack of sex. The fact that there's a total lack of friendship and togetherness and he doesn't even see the point in making you a priority makes the whole marriage sound dead in the water.

The kids would probably spend more "quality" time with him EOW, too, by the sound of his attitude.

rattlesnake · 01/02/2017 23:34

This happened to me and my ex DH :( After the birth of our DS, we were great together...but as friends and parents. I though I could live with that as everything else in our lives (not intimacy) was good. It lasted 4 years before I needed a real relationship. Hope you can turn things around.

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:34

villager I've told him before that I'm not happy. Things change for a while and then he just reverts back to his old ways.

eclectic no grandparent / family help unfortunately and a baby who is ebf. I turned down cinema plans for the eve with a friend of mine. Wish I hadn't bothered now as I think I'm going to end up feeling worse than I do now if I stay in. We're getting a takeaway (my idea) so we'll spend a bit of time together. Until he makes his escape back upstairs to his computer!

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DJKKSlider · 01/02/2017 23:38

I've told him how I feel, many times, but nothing changes

This is the kicker for me. Its apobvious he's happy with how things are, but you're not op.

I wonder, when you've talked about it, have you really talked or has it been sort of over din er with the kids there and he's said,
"Yeah yeah, okay"

I would suggest you find time absolutely alone, lay it out in absolute plain English, if things dont change you will walk.
Be prepared, if things don't change, seriously consider your future with this person. Life is to short and your kids deserve to be raised by a happy mummy.

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:41

rattle - I'm sorry to hear that. That's what I fear will end up for us.

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rattlesnake · 01/02/2017 23:41

What's he doing on his computer? Do you know?

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:46

DJKK normally I keep my feelings bottled up for months and then it comes out abruptly. Normally with me yelling at him.

I told him 3 years ago that I was deeply unhappy - we were sitting on a balcony in a lovely hotel in Gran Canaria at the time, while my ds slept inside. Things got better for a long while. We tried for another baby etc. New baby born. Four months later I feel very lonely.

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feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:47

rattle - I'm not quite sure. Geeky stuff generally.

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NapQueen · 01/02/2017 23:48

I won't leave him as I wouldn't destroy my children's home

This is quite a hurtful comment to make. Many families have separated because things d9nt work out and it really isn't "destroying the kids family home" - more often than not it ends up better as the parents are a zillion times happier.

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:49

He's always got things to do.

Around this time last year I started looking into clubs etc in the eve to get out and about. Meet new friends etc. Then found out I was pregnant. Had some pregnancy worries / health issues so never got out and about to meet new people.

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DJKKSlider · 01/02/2017 23:50

He sounds like he's a bit of a loner tbh. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a bit if a lone wolf? Few friends etc?

But, that makes no odds. There has to be a line drawn. A change now for the better or its done. There could be help from relate or another counsellor but you can't live like this OP.

Every minute you waste being unhappy with this man is a minute you could be spen ding happy with someone else, or on your own. :)

feduplonelymum · 01/02/2017 23:51

napqueen ok, I'll reword; I won't destroy the only home they've ever known.

Things aren't bad enough at the moment for me to say enough is enough. But, not sure how long I will think that.

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HaylJay · 01/02/2017 23:53

Aww I know how hard it is too having no help from family or friends as I'm in the same situation that way.

It's defiantly not fair and you're entitled to happiness too. He should want to make time for you and enjoy it 😞

feduplonelymum · 02/02/2017 00:03

DJKK he's actually pretty outgoing / sociable given half the chance. Likes a laugh, likes a drink.

At a birthday party on Saturday he was more than happy to chat away to people.

I think he's bored of me / bored with his life. I also think he thinks that he no longer needs to make the effort now that we're married.

OP posts:

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DJKKSlider · 02/02/2017 00:08

If he is sociable and stuff then I agree, he does sound like he has a problem with you or your relationship? Otherwise why wouldn't he socialise with you?

But it can't keep coming all from you. It'll grind you down and resentment will grow. You need to talk to him op. Frankly and openly, no anger or shouting, calmly and away from kids and bedrooms and computers and tablets etc.

feduplonelymum · 02/02/2017 00:09

Hayl and a Pp hit the nail on the head - I'm not a priority in his eyes.

I've explained to him before, happy parents / happy kids. Need to make time for each other etc but I think it falls on deaf ears. Or, it falls on temporarily listening ears and then he reverts back.

I'm terrified of once kids flown the nest it'll just be the two of us sitting in separate rooms, leading separate lives. Whilst things aren't bad enough for me to leave now, I think in 18 years time I'll regret sticking around for him.

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feduplonelymum · 02/02/2017 00:14

Djkk I may give him this to read....start a dialogue this way.

I also think I need to let him go. I don't want to have to ask someone to watch tele with me, or come to bed with me etc. I don't want to ask someone to spend time with me. I think I deserve more than that tbh. And I don't want him feeling he has to do these things when he doesn't want to.

I'm thinking of moving back into the spare bedroom with the baby, as then it's not so obvious that I've come to bed alone again iykwim.

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