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Some days I just want to resign from my marriage.

(35 Posts)
Mikethenight2good Thu 26-Jan-17 21:07:47

Does anyone want to resign from their personal life and move to a new one? Like when you get frustrated in your role at work, find a new amazing one, and then hand in your notice. That's how I feel. I am just so tired of it all.

I feel like I am in this endless cycle of trying to get my husband to be on the same team as me. We go through, me feeling like he is the 3rd child, I moan, he frantically runs around trying to do his share, he slacks and back to the beginning. I feel he does stuff as he thinks he needs to support me, he doesn't do it because he owns it. Does that make sense?

For example he changed his mobile number. Didn't inform nursery, he just didn't think to do so. A chance conversation with the nursery manager made me realise that they didn't have his up to date number. It just bugs me that he didn't think they should know. He never gets the email newsletter as he isn't registered. Sometimes I forward it on sometimes I just feel 'meh, well if you can't be arsed to join it why should I bother'. For what it's worth, he wouldn't think to forward me an email from nursery nor tell me about it.

He works next door to our branch of our bank. We need something doing which requires more than a quick conversation, so he said he would go and do it. But he still hasn't done it, and if I don't keep asking him to do it, it will get forgotten about. This has been going on since Xmas.

We are currently in dispute with a contractor working on our home. Talking through the plan of action with husband, made me realise he doesn't know all the detail so I had to show him some of the paperwork. As we are talking, I am thinking “but you should know this, we have been through this and you were there when it was discussed”. I felt like the conversation we just had was to bring him up to speed, when actually he should have known where we are from previous conversation.

He says he does alot, and feels I am unfair on him. He does do alot of doing stuff. He will cook dinner, he will bath and put the kids to bed, he takes them to their sporting activities but he doesn't own any jigsaw of what keeps our family life ticking over. He doesn't own the admin. And it really fucks me off. Some of this shit we are dealing with his massive and I shouldn't be dealing with it on my own. He has gone off to bed in a huff.

I have checked out a few times and gone and done my own thing for awhile, but I feel as a family unit we suffer as we are both in a mood and the children pick up on it. I just can't see who to go from here.

Mikethenight2good Thu 26-Jan-17 21:09:16

I don't appreciate him though, which worries me.

Mikethenight2good Thu 26-Jan-17 21:09:51

But he says he appreciates me, but I don't feel like he shows me this.

MerryRealisation Thu 26-Jan-17 21:20:08

I know exactly how you feel!
We go through cycles where I have enough and reach the end of my ability to deal with it, I moan loose the plot and then he does more. But because he's doing it for me and not just because that's what has to be done when you have a house and kids. This effort slowly fades and we go back to square one. But I feel that there circles are ever decreasing.

I'm currently checking out at the moment and getting on with my own thing. This means he has to take more responsibility which is good!

But I sometimes allow my mind to drift to a more exciting life. And then I feel guilty. Argh!

BlueCube Thu 26-Jan-17 21:29:59

I'm with you. Mine acts like a lazy manchild in the home. He's currently stropping because I've told him to ice fairy cakes for the school bake sale tomorrow. He's pissed off because I should've done it and he's been at work all day. I have also been at work all day (outside the home in paid employment), then I had to put our 2 year old to sleep and didn't get downstairs until after 9pm. And I'm ill with a cold at the moment. He was late home tonight because he missed his train home because he was out for drinks after work and got "cornered". I don't get the option of being late home because I have a nanny to relieve (my responsibility). Anyway, rant over. I totally get you.

BlueCube Thu 26-Jan-17 21:31:14

And I'm checking out too. And I've started to fancy another man and I don't feel guilty about it (though I won't act on it)

Popskipiekin Thu 26-Jan-17 21:38:14

Same old story here I'm afraid. DH knows my username so I'm not going to write anything too incriminating here grin but he knows how I feel and we have a similar situation. I feel he does none of the thinking in our marriage/home life, and mostly only does the doing when I ask him to. (He is peculiarly good at garden stuff like chopping down tall straggly bits and doesn't need to be asked to do that confused)
It has somehow fallen to me to keep all the balls in the air, despite both of us working full time. I occasionally reach the end of my rope and hand him a "project" for him to own, reducing my workload very slightly. I wish I didn't have to do this and that he would just see what needs to be done and independently be concerned about the things we should be sorting out (e.g. a nursery place for DC2 - I know this will just be left to me. If I did nothing then it simply wouldn't occur to DH to bring up the topic with me as something which needs to be addressed). In fact the only thing DH actively thinks and asks about re home life is: what's for dinner tonight?
This, or similar issues, is an oft discussed and bemoaned topic on mumsnet. I don't get it, truly I don't. Why on earth are so many men like this? Do they shack up with women and go: well thank goodness for that, I won't have to think any more?

Ps he's lovely - if godawfully annoying (hi DH!) - and I won't be LTB any time soon, not least because every other man out there seems to act similarly so what would be the point! wink

BlueCube Thu 26-Jan-17 21:46:57

And mine "hates being told what to do". But if I don't bloody tell him he does bloody nothing..!! A lot of the time now I just get on with it and do things myself and quietly fester with resentment, rather than triggering a mood and an argument by asking him to help. But sometimes the resentment builds and I blow my top!!! angry

Mikethenight2good Fri 27-Jan-17 07:51:00

Just to clarify, when I mean checking out of my marriage, I am not talking about being with anyone else, I mean mentally checking out of organising is all at home. For example when he got in yesterday, I went into another room and left him with the kids, to organise for bath and bed. Usually we do it together.

I know people will say, why do you enable him. Answer to this, partly because I hadn't realised I was and partly because I wanted what's best for the kids. So if I do it or he does it, it doesn't matter to them. As long as whatever needed doing is done.
However what I am really disappointed in is coming along for the ride and not being an active participant.

HardToDeal Fri 27-Jan-17 07:57:36

I did LTB - now I do it all on my own and it's so much easier without the resentment and anger that you are doing it alone. Plus I've streamlined my life and only do what I want to do.

The pattern became clear once we separated and he was still expecting me to do the research/find train times/sort out finances etc for stuff that was nothing to do with me. I hadn't been imagining it, he really did outsource his thinking and life admin to me. And it wasn't like we got on amazingly all the rest of the time either, if I didn't organise it we didn't do it.

He thinks he's terribly hard done to, by the way, and that I left him without giving him a chance. But I'd checked out a long time before - done the fancying other men thing without acting on it (in fact a year later am still single - but have enjoyed he dating/flirting opportunities I have now!)

picklemepopcorn Fri 27-Jan-17 08:01:27

Just be aware that his brain may not work in the same way as yours. I don't know what his job is, does it require an eye and memory for detail? I think I have dyslexic tendencies, certainly numbers and facts and details slip right through my fingers. Concepts though, I'm great with concepts.

He may be a lazy arse, or he maybe doing his best in an area which isn't his strength.

MerryRealisation Fri 27-Jan-17 08:05:11

Why do they do this? Do they just start outsourcing their thinking little by little, or do we enable them?
If it was the other way around and it was the woman outsourcing, what would people think? Would the man be happy?
Since I've started to stop jumping in on everything, things have gotten a little easier. He is taking more responsibility and thinking about stuff. Just a bit mind!!
But how did we get here? I have no idea!
And having had a third child for so long I think I now just have the live you would give a child (sort of). It's not the love of an emotional deep desire.
Sorry, lots of questions!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Jan-17 08:15:56

Because they can and feel entitled to do so. This type of man sees the more mundane and boring tasks as your job and yours alone; he is too important to do that and does not want to do it so leaves it to you instead. Acting hopeless or deliberately forgetting to do this is part of their overall strategy. However, not all men act like this.

I would read the "incompetent husbands" threads on these Relationship pages (there's the original one and a second thread following on from the first).

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Jan-17 08:20:19

This is also worth reading:-

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

Mikethenight2good Fri 27-Jan-17 08:24:18

I have read that thread Atilla. Quite something
We are not there yet, however if I fast forward my life a few years we could very well be.

Been thinking all night and he definitely see his role in the house as supporting me. Which I will address later with him.

If it wasn't for the kids I think I would have the bravery to call it quits. But I don't. I am wuss plus I don't have the strength right now.
Sometimes I think is it better that I suffer for the sake of our family unit.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Jan-17 08:37:20

Mike,

re your comment:-
"If it wasn't for the kids I think I would have the bravery to call it quits. But I don't. I am wuss plus I don't have the strength right now.

Sometimes I think is it better that I suffer for the sake of our family unit".

No its not better at all. It teaches your children that it is ok to be a martyr; there are no medals handed out for doing that.

I think you are stronger than you think you are, you've just become worn down by it all. The "incompetent husbands" thread is also well worth a read through; he acted very similarly to how your H is acting now. He simply cannot be bothered with talking to the bank or your builder; he sees that as your role. His behaviour re the nursery too was deliberate incompetence, he thinks they will call you first so any details from him are not needed. The children and the household admin are your department.

He does not act like this at work does he.

I would say do not stay only for the sake of the children; it teaches them that their parents marriage was based on a lie and that a loveless marriage is their norm too. It puts a terribly heavy burden upon the child too. Children are perceptive after all and pick up on all the vibes good and bad. They know and see a lot more than we care to realise.

MerryRealisation Fri 27-Jan-17 08:38:08

See, I'm not sure that's what my OH thinks. I think that he doesn't think at all! As the OP said, he sees his job as supporting me (but doesn't actually do it!). He has deferred all household responsibility to me whilst he works. I work too and hold down two demanding jobs as well as a demanding voluntary role.
OP - I am you a few teas down the line. Address it now before it's too late. If you still love him as a husband than you have something to work with.
However, I'm stuck in my relationship too and it's a sodding awful place to be.
I've read that article and it was really good. It made me realise I wasn't mad. I will look for the other suggestion. Thank you

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Jan-17 08:49:44

He acting so passive aggressively tells me he has no respect for you whatsoever. He does not care about your feelings really. He does not want to do these things anyway because he knows you will do it eventually for him. Then he huffs and puffs or accuses you of nagging!. This is all part of his control you technique. When he does that you retreat. He wins and also did not have to lift a finger.

helhathnofury Fri 27-Jan-17 09:09:37

I love the idea of resigning. Sounds much less emotional than separating or divorce.
It does make you weary, and I check out every now and then. Was in hospital before Xmas for 12 days and he did what was needed mostly whilst juggling work, kids and visiting me, so he can do it. But agree he thinks its support and not his own responsibility.
Sad how many women feel so stuck.

Adora10 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:09:30

Awful reading, why are yous wasting your time on men children; I mean they are doing you a favour if they bath their own child.

Ridiculous and soul destroying, it's not rocket science, they are Choosing to allow you to do the bulk of the shit work, charming.

His area, his strength? You mean his family and the bills, yeah, must be really hard for him to contemplate doing any of that.

Get rid is my advice.

helhathnofury Fri 27-Jan-17 13:16:04

Wouldn't it be great if marriage was like a 5 year contract with the option to negotiate and renew every 5 years or chose to terminate it. Lot of people would have to up their game and be less complacent.

OutToGetYou Fri 27-Jan-17 13:26:28

I've split up with dp, though still living in same house. Within two weeks we ran out of heating oil. Usually I start asking him to check when I know it's getting close (because I keep a spreadsheet, which he can also access) - he has always refused to have an electronic gauge in the house (for the cost of c£50) because "I'll just check it regularly", which is why I refuse to check it (plus I am currently never home during daylight and he works at home).

I did laugh, while I took the heater out of his bedroom.

VictoriaandBump Fri 27-Jan-17 14:06:46

Hardtodeal, it's so interesting what you say about still having to do everything but with none of the resentment! I left my husband last year for the issues so many of you have mentioned, and I'm so much happier. So many years of asking for help and things never getting done and I ended up just doing everything, seething with resentment. His excuse was always, well I would have done it eventually (it's an MOT, it doesn't work like that!!) or you're so much better at these things.

After 8 years of marriage I ended up losing respect for him, which led to losing all desire for him. If you still feel like you have a marriage to salvage I think it's worth being really upfront about it and tell him you might consider leaving. I can see now that I enabled him by letting him get away with doing nothing but hopefully I've learned my lesson for the future.

Mike, the not taking ownership is the worst. My ex used to say if you need something doing, then just ask. But then the onus is still on you to follow up and check it's done. You still feel responsible for it, but now you're unsure if it will ever get done so it's still taking up space in your brain. Which in a way is worse than if you just did it yourself! So infuriating! Good luck with everything x

TheNaze73 Fri 27-Jan-17 17:50:15

Love the 5 year marriage contract idea.

He sounds like he wants to resign too by his actions

MerryRealisation Fri 27-Jan-17 21:05:45

Victoria - you're right. It's the respect I lost and with that has gone the desire. I also realise that I have completely enabled him to act as he does. It's been easier to do it myself. I too get the 'just tell me what to do and ill do it' spiel. But why should I hand out the chores like he can't see what needs doing.

Tonight was brilliant!
He gets in from work and I said that I'd forgotten our DD has a party Saturday morning. I'm working so can't take her. I did tell him last week and it is on my very obvious pinned collection of stuff that is happening. Oh you would think I'd committed a heinous crime as this clashes with his very recently booked haircut. He threw all the toys out of the pram.
I have detached enough by now to just be amused at the total over reaction!

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