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He is not being honest with me (cheating???)

(34 Posts)
Angelina7 Sat 07-Jan-17 01:16:30

Ok so tonight dp fell asleep on the sofa with his phone infront of him ...It's not been a great year in this 6 days already he has lost his job and was tired today after couple of interviews. Soo a message flashes up on his phone...A woman saying she's not doing anything just waiting by the phone for him?????!!! ... I picked up his phone and began to read through it which I never do. There are 3 diff women conversations ....Ranging from meeting up, him saying hello sexy and then later saying it was nice to see her she looked good but tired and he had sent her a pic of the lamp in our bedroom, and his hair today. Another one he was asking if she needs a massage. And one was thanking him for gifts. Also he was asking them if they were in town today. ....So I'm sure u agree it sounds like he is cheating or at least trying to with several women. When I wake him up with a zillion questions, He shuts down on me .... He suffers anxiety anyway so am used to that. He eventually snatched the phone from me, promised not to delete the messages and later deleted messenger. I wish I had been wise enough to send them to myself or something so I had the proof infront of me instead of it being a big heart thumping blur but I remember what I saw that can't be denied. He wanted to leave the house .... I convinced him to go to bed as leaving will only make things worse and he can tell me gradually what's going on but as I suspected he's then playing on the limitations of what I know from these few conversations ... At work we give the upstairs workers left overs ...This is what she means by gifts. ...Not giving me a straight answer to where he met up with this past 'friend' he is calling sexy & sending pics. So now I can't sleep ... He is but I can't and I don't know what to do next .... All I know is I need to know the truth for myself and my DD. Sorry just needing to rant ....Feeling numb.

LTBforGin Sat 07-Jan-17 01:22:01

He's asleep. Get your phone. Get his phone. Go in bathroom. Lock door. Search his phone and photograph everything with your phone.
If he had an I phone go on the App Store to updates- purchased- scroll through the apps he had downloaded (even if deleted now it will show) - photo graph it.
Copy numbers. Names. Everything.

Get evidence now!
Work through the evidence with a clear head. Make a decision.
Keep calm.

Sounds like he's a bastard to me though.

Angelina7 Sat 07-Jan-17 01:49:57

I can't get anything from doing this .... Re installed it but no history anywhere he knows I have his phone!

herwegoagain123 Sat 07-Jan-17 02:04:12

Ok what I would do is write down everything you can remember as if you don't you may remember it wrong as you will be in shock. Don't think you'll do it in the morning do it now.

LTBforGin Sat 07-Jan-17 02:05:40

I would reinstall the apps he's deleted if possible?

At the end of the day you need time to make an informed decision. You need information to do that. It will be there. Keep digging.

In the morning he'll deny everything. He'll say you're paranoid and know what you saw.

If you want to chuck him out....chuck him out.
If you want answers...dig and ask. But he will lie without evidence . Been in your shoes and they hurt like hell.

Whisky2014 Sat 07-Jan-17 02:06:25

Says it all doesnt it? You saw the messages, thats enough proof. He's a cheating bastard

herwegoagain123 Sat 07-Jan-17 02:06:45

Him deleting messages is controlling and cowardly and smacks of guilt. Tell him in the morning he has one chance to tell the truth and if not to leave then you can process what to do next.
Don't let him control you with bullshit.

herwegoagain123 Sat 07-Jan-17 02:08:50

Remember hi sexy and do you want a massage. Do not let him gaslight you.

ghostwatch Sat 07-Jan-17 02:43:58

Completely go with your instincts on this one I think OP. If you felt that strongly to have to come on here and stress your fears then you already know enough of the truth ?
So what if he wants to spin you a yarn?

I have experience with this sort of thing from last year it's horrible and shocking and hard to process as you go into flight or fight survival mode.


arsenaltilidie Sat 07-Jan-17 02:51:53

What the point of grabbing his phone, locking yourself in the bathroom only to find out what you already know.

It's done, he has cheated on you. You saw it with your own eyes!

You need to decide how you want to move forward and what's best for you dump

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 07-Jan-17 02:57:46

People who have nothing to hide don't delete apps to hide things.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 07-Jan-17 04:00:20

He's cheating and you know he is. Take steps now to protect yourself before he gives you an STD. This relationship is over and it's HIS fault.

Angelina7 Sat 07-Jan-17 04:13:01

Thanks all, got a couple of random pics on his phone I took pictures of .... 2 women 1 young one old, think selfies but neither great pics lol .... Driving myself mad with days and time ....What were we doing that day, what was he supposed to be doing ... Have these pics Been sent to him or was he there....arrrgghhh. thanks for all the responses at least I don't feel so alone. ...He is not being straight with his answers at all like he's scared of saying too much or anything at all. How life can change in one night, just don't know where he has found the time for all this ... He has been keeping in contact so well! I'm baffled, so confused and who knows if I will ever know the truth to any of it 😑

mimishimmi Sat 07-Jan-17 04:18:24

Does he have an iPad or Macbook connected to same account? Even an old one he's given to kids/you etc and not deregistered? Sometimes you can see every message etc through there and they won't even be aware of it. Also check Facebook/Skype , you can sometimes see a history there too.

ghostwatch Sat 07-Jan-17 05:03:29

Hope your ok 💐 just so you don't feel alone in this I remember being in your situation last year when out the blue I received a message on Facebook with a photo attached of my boyfriend with another woman. I had all sorts to deal with it's horrible and I didn't see any signs of cheating but the relationship was in a bad state. And he would definitely not have admitted to anything until absolutely caught out with no being able to deny anything. It's difficult because when your the wronged party you want to believe the lies because the alternative is a nightmare but looking back I know every instinct I had was bloody right. Call it female intuition. Keep talking on here for advice I'm always on a night shift if your feeling alone

Angelina7 Sat 07-Jan-17 05:05:43

I can check his dodgy broken laptop, don't think I will get through to Facebook but he uses Skype on there.

And herwegoagain123 that's the1st thing I did too ... I wrote all that I could remember down, it's still hazy but not as much as it will b after I finally get some sleep! Xx

Angelina7 Sat 07-Jan-17 05:18:43

Thanks ghostwatch that's really comforting. It hasn't sunken in yet as I'm not a blubbering mess ... But maybe with a child to think about I will prove to be stronger than I think (hope so anyway) what I can't understand is that he is denying everything but I know he met up with someone round the corner ...Can't remember exact day but within the last couple of days and he says she's an old friend married with kids but won't tell me where they met ..... Only denies anything sexual ... I know he met up with her....Why won't he tell me where?!!! Just bazaar. I just keep thinking he has thrown everything away he had it all and he seems very happy when we r all together but he is on the brink of losing everything where as I will only lose 1 thing ...Him and let's face it he's jobless and a cheater I might b in love with him but statistically I'm not losing much! If VB he was full of remorse and confessed everything I would prob be toying with working through this but with the facts I have and him not saying much at all and certainly not confessing anything he is on the way to the dump, maybe that's what he wants really.

ghostwatch Sat 07-Jan-17 06:06:39

Probably not what he wants but is acting like a child thinking he can lie his way out of it so he doesn't get "in trouble" those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing" my then partner did plenty of the same then when he was backed right into the corner and had no way out then he was sorry before that it was turned round on me as others have said 'gaslighting

LellyMcKelly Sat 07-Jan-17 06:07:15

It doesn't matter. You know he's been cheating. The only question is whether you want to stay with him.

ghostwatch Sat 07-Jan-17 06:08:18

He is squirming and hoping if he keeps denying you may stop asking ! I always refer to judge Judy sayings "if it doesn't make sense it's probably not true"

KitNCaboodle Sat 07-Jan-17 06:23:45

If it's an iPhone, on the top of the picture there will be a tag to show where the picture was taken.
Or once you've pressed the photos icon, there's a bar along the bottom with options. Press 'photos' and it groups them together by place. You can then click into individual photos and look on a map to see the location,

There is also a deleted photos folder. It might be worth a check in there.

I'm sorry this is happening to you flowers

Gallavich Sat 07-Jan-17 06:31:07

The cheater's script -
It was only fantasy, I'd never have really done it
Ok we met up but nothing happened
Ok it was just one kiss
Ok we got naked but I couldn't get hard as I was feeling too guilty
Ok it was sex but only once
Etc ad infinitum. Cheaters only admit to what they think they can get away with.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 07-Jan-17 06:59:03

You don't really need to know the grubby details - he hasn't been honest, and has probably cheated. He's also lost his job - why?

He sounds like a prize prick that you'd be much better off without

ghostwatch Mon 09-Jan-17 09:44:38

Any update Angelina ?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 09-Jan-17 10:38:42

You don't need 'proof'.
This is not a court of law.
You do not need evidence to end a relationship.
If what you saw is not enough for you to walk away now then I suggest you get some counselling and work on your self-esteem and boundaries.

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