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Moving, do or don't?

(52 Posts)
MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 18:16:56

I've not posted in a very long time.
I've got a lovely DP, and we are planning a wedding. I'm a student midwife and qualify in just under 19 months. We live separately he has his own house around 1/2 away. We split our time between our houses (he owns)
I have DD aged four and was a single parent from birth. Since then I've had two houses both rented. Today I got notice on the one I'm in, lady is selling. I have to be out in April.
My partner would like us to move in with him. I have not much to keep main my area, it would mean in sept DD can go straight to a school in that area without waiting until the following year and changing. It would mean until September , our £900 childcare bill would be slashed as my in laws would help us out. Things would be tight, but I'd try to work more than I do now and we could get by.
This is the thing, it would be a 1h 15m each way to commute for lectures on a good day.

Property where I live now is far and few between and is extortionate, I would struggle for a new deposit and as I get a little help towards it despite working and studying too landlords don't really want me as a tenant despite references.

It all seems positive but I just don't know if the commute is making is a really stupid idea?

VivDeering Thu 05-Jan-17 18:30:04

It sounds like Hobson's Choice to me confused

WriterNeedsHelp2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:41:59

How many days per week would you have to travel?

Your ILs would do childcare for you, is that right? And that would include taking to and from school? Could your partner drop your daughter off in the mornings?

Loopytiles Thu 05-Jan-17 18:43:37

That commute seems too long IMO. Also, as you're not yet married, what would be the financial arrangements?

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 18:57:58

We could both do most of the runs for nursery and school but il help out when needed, commute would be three days per week.
We would financially try and pool everything we could bar dds maintain emcee and tax credits

SallyInSweden Thu 05-Jan-17 19:08:15

This is April- Sept right? So about 4-6months.

Just do it. 75 minutes commute is a lot better than many people have (honestly). It is only 3 days

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 19:19:05

Sorry no April-sept is til DD starts school.
The commute will be until I finish my third year I think I'm about halfway now

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 19:24:12

You posted recently about this did you not? And have not been with him very long that's why we all said don't do it? It's too soon?

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 19:33:56

I posted quite a while ago I'm not sure how long. However then it was a choice we had control over so to speak, but now this has happened with the house it's more of a decision if that makes sense, now I have to move so it's harder as I'll have a tough time finding somewhere anyway which if I do will only be until I qualify

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 19:41:27

I recalled you had only been together a few months. I do think that makes a difference because you have a child. Sorry

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 19:59:43

That's ok it's your opinion of course, was seeking a wide range. It's defo longer than a few months. I'm just trying to be practical

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 20:11:20

I think it's very relevant. You still don't say how long you have been together.
No one should move in together out of necessity or practicality IMO. I'm a single parent I know it is hard. If it's just the issue of a commute then millions of people do it every day. It would be tiring but clearly the other positives out weigh the negatives in this case don't they? Unless the hesitation is because you don't actually feel ready to move yourself and your child into your home

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 20:11:26

His honest

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 20:11:34


MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 20:18:48

The hesitation comes not from my feelings or some kind of insecurity which I think you are hinting at but purely the drive....

Hellofromtheotherside16 Thu 05-Jan-17 20:24:58

When are you planning to get married?

Would the long commute affect your daughter/how much you can see her on those days? You are working and studying and you say you would work more. How does that fit with your commitments to your dd?

Where would your dd be until you came home?

Sorry for all the questions. Trying to see how it would work for you.

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 20:26:34

Thank you, looking at autum 18.
I'd Be home by six the three evenings I am commuting so would be with dp or IL and nursery or school during the day. My work is very flexible I work around dd whilst she does her funded hours at nursery

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 20:38:48

This is posted in the relationships section so I am assuming it's about a relationship although now I see it is not about the relationship it is about practicality. I'm not assuming you had insecurities just that if this is a very new relationship, it's a risky move to move into someone else's house with your child who you may not have known a long time. Also it is not ideal to make such a big decision based on finding it difficult to rent. It should be because that's the next step in your RS. If it is then he could move nearer to your uni. Get a house together.

If it is not relationship advice Maybe you would get more informed information about commuting and university and childcare on a relevant section?

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 20:50:22

bum I am well aware of how mumsnet works but I am not so sure why you feel the need to be so rude. Other posters have been helpful with talking to me about this rather than seeming to want to bash me. There really is no need.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 21:01:32

I have just given you other options. Is it possible you could both move to the middle of both locations? If I put myself in your shoes I think I would want some security of my own and do it for the right reasons not because it's a practical option. I wouldn't do the commute. I choose to be home for my kids at a reasonable time (I work till 4.30pm 3 miles from home) because that works for us all. When I commuted 40 mins away I hated it. I felt I was constantly in the car and it drove me mad.

I'm not trying to be rude, I am giving my opinion also based on experience. If you could point out where I have been rude then I will apologise to you.

Without the extra info - how long you have known DP, how long he has been in DD's life, that is also relevant to such a big decision if he and your new IL's are going to be joint child care providers. Have you spent time with them and they with her to know it would work? If that breaks down (are they elderly? Have other commitments?) then what would you do?

VivDeering Thu 05-Jan-17 21:07:17

But they're getting married, which implies a lengthy, committed relationship. Why would you not move in together?

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 21:10:06

viv that is what we think.

His job does not allow him to move. When I qualify I have job options there, better prospects.
My dp, my il, my dd are all fantastic. There are no issues there at all.
As stated before: it's the commute.
I could still however be home for dinner and bedtime every evening

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 21:11:40

This was just based on me remembering a thread not long ago where they had only been together a few months. I apologise if it is another OP. In that OP same situation (can't find it atm) DP was keen to move them in but OP was advised to wait and finish the course which she could not move to another uni I think, -also considered dropping it or deferring a year? because as in this situation, it seems OP is the one who 'loses' the most, will not be on the mortgage or married yet (financially vulnerable) and long commute will change things for DD although there are clearly benefits to this as well. I can see the practical advantages to it too

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 21:13:51

In relation to commute alone and nothing else hmm
No it's shit I did a shorter one for a few years and hated it. I was always panicking and late everywhere and didn't feel I spent enough time with my kids. They are happier now I am home earlier. But I am in long term employment 5 days a week and the course would not be forever

MrsWobbly Thu 05-Jan-17 21:15:12

bum please will you leave it. I have asked you to leave it now. I came here for advice, not this.

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