Is name calling and shouting ever ok?

[Mrstumbletap]

I mean - is there a line between when it is definitely not acceptable and when it's probably OK and it's just his temper/way he was brought up/how he deals with conflict?

It's Xmas and I feel sick contemplating the future of my marriage with a little DS and what's best for him.

[originalmavis]

No it is not ok. A rare outburst when under a lot of stress or is one thing but to live walking on eggshells is not.

[TrustySnail]

I think there is a line, yes, and if you're feeling sick contemplating your future, that's a sign that it's probably been crossed. It's hard to say without more detail, but if someone is feeling sick or afraid as a result of a partner's behaviour, then clearly something isn't being right.

[Marmalade85]

No. It shows a total lack of respect.

[ElspethFlashman]

No

Cos what you're telling him and the world and your son is "it's ok to call me a stupid bitch if you have an excuse".

[ihatethecold]

Absolutely not.

[Sassypants82]

Not in my relationship it's not. My DH has always known that it would be the end for me if any disagreements decended into name calling & shouting etc. We just don't do it & maintain enough control to talk out our issues. Not always immediately & it doesn't mean we don't get livid with one another but name calling is not the language of love & respect and those words cannot ever be taken back. I respect & love My DH even when I'm angry with him & as such, would not allow myself to name call & shout aggressively, and vice versa. Everyone deserves that as a basic.

[Mrstumbletap]

He says if I didn't nag he wouldn't shout and scream and that I start it.

It's so exhausting and he confuses me so much, he makes me think I am going mad.

[AlabasterSnowball]

Well obviously you start it, just like all other women unfortunate enough to be living with gaslighting, agressive, and cruel men.
If you could just stop being you then I'm sure he'd magically transform himself into the most charming man in the world. Or he'd still be a nasty shit and find something else to annoy him like your son.

[ElspethFlashman]

So he's saying he has no self control? I'm presuming that when people are annoying in his work he explodes and calls them names and screams at them too?

[Wolfiefan]

You start it? Classic abuser behaviour. Blame the abused.
Name calling and shouting is not ok. Disagreeing is ok. Saying "I feel like you're nagging. Please stop." That's ok.

[Mrstumbletap]

Elspethflashman - I often think that, to everyone else he is so laid back and calm he never raises his voice, is so welcoming to people in the house etc. But when he loses it with me it's like he is a different person.

[Wolfiefan]

He hides his true self when dealing with other people. It's not you. It's him.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

It's a choice then. You are not worthy of him being nice.

Nagging eh? Does that translate to: he leaves all the drudgery to you, you are pissed off at him treating you like his skivvy, you tell him to pull his weight, he calls this nagging. Yeah, he has my sympathy, is sooooo annoying when the staff get all uppity and above their station, a good screaming at is what they need until they learn their bloody place.

[Mrstumbletap]

Runrabbit your post made me laugh, thank you.

Am I awful for nagging? I don't even think I do that much.

The situation yesterday was I had been at home all day with poorly DS, DH came home from work and I needed to phone the doctor to get some antibiotics for me as I was in pain, when the doctor rang back she had a really strong accent and the phone wasn't great so I was struggling to hear her questions, DS was hanging off my leg following me round he kitchen, DH was in the lounge on his phone and I said to DH "Can you take DS please!" And went upstairs to hear what the doctor was saying.

He said from that comment that I attacked him and he is sick of me speaking to him with such disrespect, then starts calling me names, shouting, slamming around the kitchen tells me to piss off, that he doesn't even like me.

[whattodowiththepoo]

Completely depends on how it makes you feel and if you have asked him to stop.
I swear at and call DP names quite a lot, she thinks it's funny, I wouldn't do it if she didn't.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Oh dear, you really are a boiled frog.

You were slightly sharp with him under stress so he shouted and swore at you and slammed things around. What would happen if you reacted that way to him whenever his tone was slightly less than totally deferential?

The respect is all one way. Emperor and slave.

Why on earth are you still married to such a total cock? Do you wash his pants and cook his dinner? Too scared of Emperor BigSwingingDick's reaction if slave girl behaves like his equal? Pfft, you could be rid of his royal dickness by next Christmas.

[Mrstumbletap]

That's what baffles me, I may as he calls it 'nag or moan' sometimes but he goes crazy and he is like a volcano you don't know if a comment will make him blow up. But he says its 100% my fault and I should take responsibility, that it's my major flaw that I never accept I'm wrong.

I'm not perfect, I know that, but I don't know if breaking up our home is the best solution. Or do I just grow a thicker skin? Or try to work on how I word things I can be quite blunt.

[Mrstumbletap]

Oh runrabbits- pants no, dinner 90/10 with me doing the majority. Both work.

[Inexperiencedchick]

It wears you down to the extend you don't want anything anymore...

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP.

I can't handle when someone calls names or swears at the other...

The thing is you always feel guilty for being who you are and don't know how to behave... why? Because People like your OH do not appreciate what they have in their lives.

I'm sorry 💐

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Of course you are baffled if you are trying to work out what aspect of your behaviour is making him behave badly. It isn't about you!

Sometimes when he feels shit he chooses to take it out on you. When he wants a big shouty rant he will find a "reason" to have one. That has absolutely nothing to do with you.

It's like my running shoes wondering what they've done to set me off. It really isn't my running shoes' own fault they end up mud splattered and soaking wet when I'm feeling shit.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I do think you need a thicker skin in the sense that you have to toughen the fuck up and tell him to fucking take his fucking mood elsewhere because you aren't having any of it.

If someone carried on like that towards me I wouldn't engage in the argument at all. I don't debate with shouty people.

I would be saying very firmly something along the lines of "I will talk to you later when you are ready to speak to me like an adult" I would repeat that over and over and walk away.

"You are responsible for your own behaviour" or is my standard response for anyone ever who blames me for making them do something. If they persist and really really piss me off I might go with "I don't have super powers. I can't make you do anything. If I could, I assure you I wouldn't have made you do that."

[AlabasterSnowball]

I agree with everything Rabbit has said.
The example you've given is a completely normal request from your part, your husband has a problem and it's not you.

[Mrstumbletap]

I wish he would even hear me say "take your mood elsewhere" he is so busy on his loud insulting rant you can't even get a word in edge ways. If I walk away sometimes he follows and continues the barrage at me, sometimes as I have long hair I just cover my ears and let him continue. I can't hear what he is saying but he thinks I can, so he continues. Clearly not a long term plan.

[JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub]

Have just read this and just wanted to say I agree with Rabbit. I think sometimes we occasionally may get angry and shout but calling names, no I don't think is acceptable. I grew up in a house with two parents shouting and arguing all the time, name calling etc and I don't think you can take it back once it's said. With my in laws, FIL would shout and be abusive to MIL and she would just sit and take it, he didn't like it when I stood up to him probably because he wasn't used to it . It sounds like you are walking on eggshells around him all the time. I suppose you have to decide if things are going to change or whether you want your son brought up in this environment. You say he doesn't act like this with other people but he thinks it's acceptable to treat you like this.

[Wolfiefan]

So you asked him to look after his child for a minute so you could sort some medication in order to be out of pain? That's nagging? FFS.
Really. I thought nagging was incessantly telling someone to do lots of inconsequential things with no break.
He sounds horrid. And your Ds presumably sees you being spoke to like this.