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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need some virtual hand holding - EA

27 replies

KittyInTheMiddle · 26/11/2016 00:07

DH told me today that he had realised that a friendship was starting to cross the line into EA territory. I'm heartbroken and torn between feeling so glad that he has told me so early on and feeling like everything I knew has been shaken.

I don't want to talk to friends or family about it because I can't bear the thought of them pitying me, discussing our marriage with others or judging DH.

I tried to go to sleep but that's not likely. Anyone out there to keep me company?

OP posts:

Report

KittyInTheMiddle · 09/12/2016 22:45

Seriously belated bump. I thought we were moving on and working on things. He doesn't seem to feel the same.

OP posts:

thestamp · 10/12/2016 00:25

What's been going on op. I am around if you want to chat. Have you all been talking it through? And his tunes changing? Or have you found out they have been in contact etc after the revelation?

Cricrichan · 10/12/2016 00:29

I'm sorry to hear that op xx

KittyInTheMiddle · 10/12/2016 06:09

We had agreed that he would back off from her and cut contact as much as possible given that they work together. Yesterday was the work Christmas party, which we had discussed and agreed he should go to, but drive home rather than staying out.

He came home saying he was "confused" about his feelings. He admitted they had been talking to each other during the meal and that he had checked on her a couple of times afterwards because she was very drunk.

After a long evening discussing our relationship he says he doesn't know whether he wants to stay or go. He thinks he'd like to see other people. My worlds is crashing down around me and I've had almost no sleep.

OP posts:

hesterton · 10/12/2016 06:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StairsInTheNight · 10/12/2016 06:23

Oh kitty, you poor thing. This is awful. Did you have reason to wonder before you found out, did things seem ok with you both before this?

KittyInTheMiddle · 10/12/2016 06:29

I'm not sure whether space is the answer or more talking. We have a baby and a toddler so there's only so much talking we can do when they're awake.

I knew things weren't great, the kids have taken their toll, but I felt like we were going to get back to something good as we got more time to spend focusing on our relationship.

OP posts:

saffronwblue · 10/12/2016 06:46

I don't know what to suggest. You have a baby and a toddler and he thinks he would 'like to see other people'. What did he think having a family was about?
Try to wrest some control- think about what you want, what you need to make you happy in your marriage. It can't all be about his needs and feelings.

KittyInTheMiddle · 10/12/2016 07:07

It is difficult for me to dictate anything. I can be controlling sometimes and part of our problems is me making decisions without him and just going ahead with what I want. I need to get the balance right. I just can't get past the fact he thinks it would be ok for us to see other people for a while. Am I supposed to wait while he decides whether or not the grass is greener?

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 10/12/2016 07:16

No. You definitely don't wait.

You ask him to leave.

He needs to get the reality of what he's doing.

You need to maintain your dignity.

He's being awful to you and the dcs by hanging around.

Tootsiepops · 10/12/2016 07:23

Sometimes I read threads and think I must be weird. If my husband said he thought he'd like to see other people, I'd immediately show him the door. I can't be arsed with any of this emotional angst.

OP - it's one thing to say to your partner that you need space and to suggest a period of separation to gain some perspective / clarity.

But, it's quite another to say he'd like to see other people. That's really twisting an emotional knife.

What he's actually saying is 'I want time apart, and don't be surprised when I start seeing the woman from my office'

I'd tell him to leave until he can get his shit together.

KittyInTheMiddle · 10/12/2016 07:31

I usually think the same tootsie. I'm just so suddenly unsure of myself. I'm on maternity leave and recently found out I'm likely to be made redundant soon. I just feel like everything I thought I knew has changed and I feel worthless.

What if he does leave and realise he's made a mistake? How does anyone move on from that?

OP posts:

Mybeautifullife1 · 10/12/2016 07:32

So sorry for you. I too think you need to get some control.

Perhaps he needs to be aware that if he/you start seeing other people there is no going back. That's it. Relationships are hard and they need work. The new relationship will in time not be new and exciting but mundane and need working on too. He needs to grow up. Don't let him think you will allow him to dabble elsewhere and come back to you.

Nicknameofawesome · 10/12/2016 07:39

Such an asshole thing to do. It sounds to me like he has grass is greener syndrome as well. You have a toddler already so he should know the baby phase is a grind at first. I can't offer advice as tbh I think I would just flounder and panic as well. Don't be afraid to seek rl support. You aren't the first person whose husband decided to act like a twat. I hope he gets his act together soon.

AnyFucker · 10/12/2016 10:19

He has told you what he is going to do...he is going to shag other women

Are you going to let him stay in the house and do it right under your nose ? Because unless you draw a line right there and make him leave, he will take it as tacit agreement.

Mollymaywell · 10/12/2016 10:54

Sending hugs. Please be aware that you will probably only know the half of it. He will minimise to keep his options open. Do not trust him to keep his distance at work. He may say he is but it's unlikely to be true. As hard as it is, you should tell someone you trust and ask him to leave while YOU decide what you want to do. This may shock him into realising what he stands to lose. With a bit of space, you may decide you can't ever trust him or forgive his appalling behaviour.

Iamdobby63 · 10/12/2016 12:40

I'm sorry this is horrible and, in my opinion, very cruel of your DH. You are still in maternity leave for gods sake!

Did he think you would be all understanding and give him permission?

If it were me I would be asking him to move out on the basis that if he could be attracted to someone else that easily above me I would rather not waste any more of my time.

jeaux90 · 10/12/2016 13:30

There is no middle ground OP. We all make mistakes and sometimes we can work though them but what he is asking for is a break whilst he goes off and shags other people. He either wants to work it out or he doesn't and you have the same decision to make xxx

KittyInTheMiddle · 10/12/2016 14:03

I've come out for the day to see family and it is helping me stay sane and giving me time to think.

I won't be letting him have his cake and eat it by keeping me hanging on. I just don't even recognise him right now. I want our marriage to work but he doesn't seem like the man I married.

OP posts:

Softkitty2 · 10/12/2016 14:46

Start thinking about yourself and children, you do not deserve this, no excuse to start looking elsewhere for comfort when the stresses of life take their toll. Look into your options, housing, etc.

He seems to want to see other people but have the security of you at home to run back to if it doesnt work out. No no no. U deserve better.

citybumpkin · 10/12/2016 17:08

Sorry OP but it needs to be a clean break. When my exDP was leaving I asked him would he ever come back. His response "for now no, I'm sorry but never say never". I clung to this for months, years but he had an OW and as far as I'm aware he is still with her. I still think of him and it hurts. He told he was leaving and loitered a week. In the end I told him he should leave. Guess what? I was blamed for throwing him out.

Its difficult, I completely get that. We didn't have children together which is part of my pain. I saw him yesterday for the first time since he left over 2 years ago. I walked straight past head held high, whilst he hesitated. The memories camr flooding back but nowhere near the extent they were. I actually felt sorry for him.

OP. Take much care and be strong.

Hermonie2016 · 10/12/2016 20:26

Horrible situation, how cruel.

I think you need to set firm boundaries.He has to decide to give up the EA, agree to counselling or he agrees to leave.
I did not think a half way house is an option, is he asking for an open marriage?

Is there anyone he would listen to? A sensible friend who can help him see a different perspective.

You need to tell people around you.His behaviour is not your responsibility and you are not to blame.

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Megthehen · 10/12/2016 20:59

Talk about having the rug pulled out from under you - post partum, deep in nappies and sleep routines and he wants to have his fun with his child-free, heavy drinking "friend" and maybe "see other people". Let him have his freedom ( paying his way for the family he helped create) and in time find yourself an authentic and mature partner..and don't blame yourself for his behaviour and choices.

winkywinkola · 11/12/2016 07:59

He's not the man you married.

He's gone a bit mad.

He might change his mind. He might not. But he's still being a cunt.

Whisky2014 · 11/12/2016 09:44

He has no intention of cooling down the EA and he probably spent the whole night chatting/flirting with her. When he says "see other people" he means her. He wants to fuck her.

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