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Life is just a complete shower of shit

(45 Posts)
itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 21:45:01

This is probably going to be a long rambling post - sorry.

My husband & I separated approx 5 months ago - he moved in with his mother. I moved out of the family home about 2.5 months ago with one of my 2 dc's (one wanted to stay with his Dad as he felt STBXH had no-one). My ex moved into his own place about 6 weeks ago.
During the final few months of our marriage (married for 26 years) he probably threatened to commit suicide on a twice weekly basis, the police were called as he destroyed my personal property (on a Saturday morning in the road for all to see) & was verbally abusive to me (think the worst names possible) in front of our DC's.
The relief of moving to my own place was quickly soured when he would turn up at 6.30am on a Saturday morning to check if i was there.
We have been in a 'good' place for the past few weeks. I try to keep things on an even keel because he has turned so rapidly in the past. Just the other day it was one of my DC's birthday & I mentioned I was going out - he threw something across the kitchen and dragged my dc out of the house. Last week he was unhappy about something (says can't cope on his own) so packed my poor dc's stuff into black sacks & literally dumped him on my doorstep at 7.30 at night.
He phones me at least 10x a day saying he can't cope. Because one of my children is with him I just feel an obligation to help him ( & to keep his moods on an even keel).
So now I am basically running 2 separate households as well as working. Its only simple things like tv license, insurance or shopping but I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I know he will flip if I say no. He makes excuses to see me every day - I have asked him to stop but the vileness kicked in again.
I know every morning when I wake up there will be a text from him - saying how he can't sleep in an empty bed, no one will ever love me like he does. I just feel drained - i just want to get in the car and drive.
Background : I left him, completely my decision after years of controlling me - not allowed to leave the house, if I did he wouldn't speak to me for a week. leaving a 10 day holiday on Christmas Day because there wasn't enough trees in the resort (really), me asking in the wrong tone of voice if he wanted cream or ice-cream with his dessert - that got me over a week of silence so much so that friends had to intervene.
I just don't know how to handle him anyone.
I know this sounds like I am a doormat but I guess I am just scared of his reactions when I say no to anything - today he said he was giving up on life because something had gone wrong so I spent 45 mins sorting out HIS work - phoning HIS manager.

SavageBeauty73 Tue 15-Nov-16 21:47:05

Is your child safe living with him?

madgingermunchkin Tue 15-Nov-16 21:50:27

Stop. Just stop. You need to protect your children, and exposing them to this man is not in their best interests.

You are doing your poor DC no favours. You need to sit your child down and gently find out if he wants to continue living with him (and I would say that he will say yes our of guilt, fear about what his father will do if he's not around) but that is not your children's responsibility.

forumdonkey Tue 15-Nov-16 21:51:14

How old are your dcs?

itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 21:52:19

I believe he is yes - he seems geniunely happy although I do believe this is because his Dad doesn't give him any boundaries. I have told him he needs these but "I relinquished the right to say anything when I left "

Topseyt Tue 15-Nov-16 21:52:27

He hardly sounds like an ideal person to have some charge of a child. I would be worried about that. He sounds unstable.

itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 21:53:01

15 & 17

Pisssssedofff Tue 15-Nov-16 21:56:04

Is it the 15 or the 17 year old living with him ?

itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 21:56:44

I will say I have posted on here under a different username about the fact he stole my wallet last week & then phoned me up at 9 on Sunday morning to interrogate me about where I bought petrol etc.

itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 21:56:58

the 15 yo

Bluntness100 Tue 15-Nov-16 21:57:38

Hmm, you're still an influence on your child don't worry, but you do need to stop. It's that simple. Even if you need to call the police, you need to stop, or it's going to go on like this forever. Don't answer his texts, remind him you've split up, do whatever it takes,

CalleighDoodle Tue 15-Nov-16 22:00:01

Jesus this cant continue. he is unhinged. Can you not get your child to live back with you?

forumdonkey Tue 15-Nov-16 22:06:18

You need to call the police. I would also explain your concerns to your dcs school. Would your eldest DC speak to your youngest?

Pisssssedofff Tue 15-Nov-16 22:07:57

I'd call social services first thing in morning, lay it on thick about how concerned you are, they will drag him to yours by the ears if necessary ... He can't stay there

WingsofNylon Tue 15-Nov-16 22:08:49

I think I remember the other post. You have to keep this man away from your children. Don't they see how he treats you? Please put them first and fully break away.

CocktailQueen Tue 15-Nov-16 22:10:46

Just stop engaging with him. Don't reply. Get your child back home with you. Your ex is not stable and not a suitable parent.

Boredbeforeievenbegan Tue 15-Nov-16 22:13:36

What you allow is what will continue. Get your son back and distance yourself.

magoria Tue 15-Nov-16 22:13:39

Let him flip. Call the police if/when he does.

You have left him but he is still controlling your entire life.

Your DS decided to stay. He knows when the shit hits the fan he can come to yours. Leave that space open for him.

Shut down your ex.

forumdonkey Tue 15-Nov-16 22:14:26

Your DC is still a child, your ex is an adult. Let your ex get the consequences of his actions and protect your DC. Report him. While ever he is getting away with it, he'll continue to do what he's doing. Report the texts and harassment and every time he turns up and is abusive dial 999

itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 22:14:42

The school are aware of the situation. Even after I informed them a friend phoned up the house office ( a friend works there) & said if either are late for school to act sooner rather than later.
I know it sounds like I am not being pro-active but I have had several long conversations with Womens Aid ( I have been quite mild on here regarding his behaviour). At the time they said having 2 teenage boys was a huge problem as most refuges wouldn't take them.
I am, however, going to phone social services in the morning & see what they can do. There is a red flag on my address due to the last police call out.

itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 22:16:45

& please understand I am afraid but I know I HAVE only one priority - things have just come to a head this evening.

cbigs Tue 15-Nov-16 22:17:02

You need to call the crisis team or the police op if he threatens anything to himself or others he will only continue if you 'feed' him with responding. Sorry you're going through this and I would also suggest the 15 yr old comes back to you . Poor you that's really hard but well done on getting out this far. flowers

pinkyredrose Tue 15-Nov-16 22:18:45

Can you get your DS to live with you and then move? Frankly if he's already dragged his son out of the house he shouldn't be living with him.

pinkyredrose Tue 15-Nov-16 22:20:39

If you relinquished the right to say anything then why is he expecting you to answer all his stupid questions?

itsjustamess Tue 15-Nov-16 22:21:50

I am actively looking at new properties now. To move in here I had to find 6 months rent in advance (begged & borrowed) as he cut me off. Told me if we needed to eat we could go there - I would rather starve.

Typically he says his behaviour is a direct reaction to my actions of leaving - even the police told him to grow up

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