Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Would this irritate you / be a red flag?(34 Posts)
Due to having been in an EA dysfunction relationship before I sometimes doubt my judgement so would be grateful for advice.
Been seeing someone for a few months. For various reasons (partly distance) we don't see each other that often - sometimes once a week, sometimes less. When we do it's great.
We chat a lot online.
He is very warm and loving but.......I feel wary and a few times I've nearly just ended it - because I feel really worried about getting hurt (after hell of last EA relationship) but also because sometimes I feel my instincts are telling me to.
A couple of times he has let me down about arrangements which has put me on red alert. - tho he was very sorry and gave explanations about family illness that rang true so I gave benefit of the doubt.
But anyway today, this again leaves me wondering if I am just hyper sensitive or if there is something else.
As I said , we chat a lot during the day online, usually. Then this morning I sent him a normal message along the lines of 'how's everything, what's happening with you?'
No reply for hours and hours (which is unusual) though could see he was on messaging site talking to others.
Eventually just now, this eve, I get message, not answering my mesage or saying 'sorry so long to answer' etc but just saying
'I'm a bit tipsy (he doesn't drink much usually) I adore you, you're so gorgeous xx'
Now I suppose in a way that's nice? Is it? Or is it annoying? Why do I feel pissed off and why are my instincts being sent into red alert? I mean, I don't feel like answering him. I sort of feel like I did when he let me down last minute. Am I over reacting? Thanks for advice.
Don't think it's a red flag for abusive behaviour, but it's definitely not nice to let you down (although you haven't explained the context, so hard to tell) and the ignoring you then sending a message like that was very rude.
Why so much contact daily, disproportionate to the stage of relationship/level of actual, face to face contact? Could cut that right back.
Actually Dozer that is a very good point. I think maybe the online contact is out of step and that is partly why I don't know what to think - like is his warmth 'real'? I guess it's easy to be warm online.
I find it reassuring you think it was rude to send a mesage like that - I was doubting my judgement but it's really good to get another perspective.
When I say he let me down, he twice backed out of arrangements to meet, last minute. But both times he had reasons that rang true - Though I was sceptical at first. And as it was early days I decided to give benefit of doubt.
But I guess because of past EA experience I never know what is 'normal' and I am on high alert. So I'm just trying to find out what others think is acceptable or not. I mean a rude message isn't a deal breaker for me necessarily- but i guess in the EA situation I made allowances for far too much early on until I just had no sense of what was 'not ok' anymore. I don't want to do that again.
Yes, it's easy to chat online: the threads on dating are full of stuff about it! It also means he takes more of your time and headspace each day than the relationship justifies!
if he's into you he'll wish to meet up IME.
The cancelling sounds dubious IMO. Again not indicative of someone abusive, but someone rude and/or not into you.
I was online dating for years before DP came along and I dated a lot of idiots so I became quite ruthless in the end with who I gave the time of day to.
Usually if they let me down once, it was curtains. Especially last minute! If they were very apologetic and rearranged straight away then I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.... maybe.... if I was feeling charitable / bored. To be let down TWICE in a few months, last minute, hmm. I wouldn't pursue this one, sorry!
And yes, his "sorry i'm tipsy, I adore you" message is a cop out. He took hours to reply, was clearly messaging others, and crucially, he hasn't asked you a question. Therefore he doesn't want or expect a response.
I would ignore his "tipsy" message and see if he sends you a proper message later on when he is sober. But my gut feeling is he is keeping his options open... therefore so should you x
I think his drunk message meant he didn't know who he was talking to. Some men get so giddy on online dating sites - they can't believe they're popular after years of nobody wanting to sit next to them on a bus.
I might have given wrong impression - sorry.
We are not online dating.
We first met IRL. We have friends in common. We work in a similar field.
When I say we chat online I just mean via whattapp etc
Still - thanks for replies - still helpful.
I know the drunk message was meant for me as he used the nick name he's given me.
Doesn't stop it being irritating though.
Also even though when he let me down he was very apologetic, I can't shake the feeling that he could have let me know earlier on those occasions and that it was basically rude that he didn't.
It's not abusive behaviour, he's being a game playing arsehole
Yep TheNaze - I'm afraid you might have hit the nail on the head.
That you were let down 'last minute' on both those occasions makes me narrow my eyes.
I am a very cynical and untrusting person like yourself OP so a disclaimer applies - I sometimes see negativity where there is none.
Anyhoo, it's not the bailing out element that bothers me because shit does happen, it's the last minute aspect. That's what makes it seem unlikely.
How much do you chat during the day normally? Could it be that he just wanted a day off chatting? I don't find the message rude either - just a sign that he's probably out drinking and wants to get on with it but thought he needed to write sth back to you so you wouldn't be upset. Although I can see that it would have been nicer if he'd written sooner.
Frolics - it's kind of messages throughout the day, sometimes hourly or more
Admittedly sometimes it's because we work in same field so comparing notes etc
You might be right - usually he is careful to respond to any questions or comments
This is out of character
I don't care if he wants to message less. might be a good thing
I think what's giving you the worries here is exactly his message. It's innocently worded enough to just be a nice 'check in' with you but you both know he's ignored you all day. So you can't kick off about it, because it was nice, right?
I think he sounds like he is just putting enough effort in not to lose you, but not quite enough what you deserve and that feeling is what's making you feel this way. You aren't asking for more, you are asking for normal. Respect. And I think your feeling is right. Personally I think he may well just be the lazy type, and I think now he knows you like him just isn't putting in the same effort. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you just that he's a bit of a game player at this moment
I wouldn't write him off on this one event but just be aware now that things have slightly shifted for you and listen to your instincts about what you deserve. You will want to fight the instinct because you think it's broken, it isn't.
I also think he's just playing games. When a man doesn't contact you, it's for the simple reason he Choses not tol That message he eventually sent is stringing uou along.
Dont respond, let him do the running now. Don't text him first tomorrow. Let him text you and give it awhile before you respond.
I don't think it's a sign of being abusive though.
Yes Myusername - that could be it
I hate feeling I'm being 'managed' somehow
or fed crumbs. Hmmm. Don't think I'll respond to his message unless I hear more from him. Though I worry that makes me a game player and I hate the idea of that
No I get that but I suppose what is there to respond to? It wasn't a question or a response to your question. If he asks you about the ignoring just say you didn't want to chat while he was drunk you would rather text sober.
Yes that sounds fair enough. We're supposed to be meeting in a few days. Yesterday he said how he was really looking forward to it.
I dunno. I just don't know where my trust issues begin and his being a bit of a dick head end iykwim.
Thanks Bluntness - yes. Good idea I think.
Uurgghh. all this stuff is exhausting. Sometimes I can't be bothered.
People have bad days now and then but if his bed days involve going quiet, cancelling plans and getting drunk then I think this will show itself.
I think you are right to be peeved about it but playing into it would be confronting him and making a huge fuss or totally ignoring him when he texts sober. Currently you just need to see it as waiting for him to get a grip of himself and behave like a nice man again.
Don't panic, don't over think it just be yourself
That uncomfortable feeling? Thats your boundaries being stepped on. It may be unintentional on his part (he has no idea his flakey behaviour is annoying you) in which case you need to assert yourself a bit more, or he may just not give a fuck, in which case you need to dump his arse.
I know how hard it is to figure out 'reasonable' boundaries and assert them after an abusive relationship. You know what i figured out? if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it doesnt matter how fucking unreasonable you think it might be, you have the right to say 'please don't do x it makes me feel y'. If he is a good guy he'll either apologise profusely and do his damndest to never do it again, or he'll say 'im not comfortable living a life where i cant do x, sorry' and you'll both move on. The shitty guys will pay lipservice to abiding by your boundaries, but carry on trampling the fuck over them, or worse they'll tell you that you're unreasonable and try to force you to pretend you're ok with their shitty behaviour. Obviously I'd suggest dumping those ones...
Yes doji - you are right.
I think I'm a bit stewed in the head. Have just been feeling guilty for not replying to him. I think hems been checking to see if I have (can see when he last logged on etc and has been quite a lot since he sent me the message)
But I don't know what to stay to him
I refuse to say 'why didn't you answer me today?'
Why should I?
Why hasn't he apologised for not replying?
And why should I stroke his ego?
What is he doing to my ego?
It just exhausts me. All of it
Apologies. I'm aware that the above post makes me sound about 14 years old. This is what I hate. The loss of dignity - the over analysing of poxy messages. He should be begging for my attention not throwing me pathetic drunken crumbs.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.