Hi there, I am struggling with a heavy bout of PMT and the red mist is clouding my judgement over both mine and my DP's behaviour. Please help!
My DP and I had a brief argument on Friday eve, I shared a past trauma with him, which I had brought up before, it took a lot of courage to discuss it, I quickly felt very uncomfortable and shut down the conversation by saying I didn't want to talk about it in detail , he scted v put out and I got really angry as I didn't think it was a) empathetic or b) supportive and due to the trauma happening to me I didn't see why it was for me to make him feel better?! ISometimes I feel as a woman everything is so bloody rigged for us to have this incredible capacity for taking shit and still making people feel better and I am clearly running low with this super power.
Fast forward a couple of days and his unbelievable appetite for holding a grudge, I'd spent the best part of last week completely cleaning and blitzing the house, we're currently mid-renovation and have been since April so I'm keen to sort before Christmas! since I've been working the weekend it's an utter tip. I'd spent the best part of the morning cleaning but was due to go to work and as he got back from a bike ride (waiting until he'd had coffee, settled in etc etc) I lightly brought up would it be ok to just have a clear up of all the stuff laying about as tomorrow he's away and I have a house full of people coming for Halloween and didn't want to spend my day off with the kids at home cleaning the hangover from the weekend. I'm freelancing so have loads of work to do, plus lots of additional stuff int he house to sort.
I didn't go into that much detail though I simple asked him to please just have a tidy up, nothing else. He immediately got very angry (definitelycarrying on from our previous argument) and shouted at me saying things like it wasn't his mess (we have two children) and thst how dare I accuse him of making such a mess, and a load of other completely unreasonable accusations. I kept my cool and repeated what I was asking, stating I wasn't accusing him of anything, just simply please could he have a bit of a clear up as I'd spent a lot of time sorting everything out. He then went further to criticise my efforts to sort our shit tip of a house out and was shouting at me.
My son piped in (he often does this in an argument which makes me feel awful) taking my DP's side, He has been up since 6 this morning and as I said he wasn't allowed to watch TV or go on his Xbox, he has been anable to engage in anything other than following me around and purposefully trying to irritate me into allowing him to switch on a screen. When he piped in, I brought up the fact that I didn't appreciate his behavious this mornig either. He then shouted I was an idiot and sotrmed off (he's 10yo)
I then completely lost my shit. First at my son for calling me an idiot, then running down to where my DP was, threw the driers with clothes hanging over the TV room, swearing and shouting at my DP how dare he talk to me like that and why is it ok for him to shout at me but I can't shout at him back, I'm only human and can take so much etc etc, I was simply asking to have a clear up.
He then went upstairs with the kids (I have a 5yo daughter and both children were obviously upset which I feel utterly awful about) I apologised to both children and wished them a good day, I also said to my son that I don't appreciate being called an idiot but I wished him a good day and that I love him and sorry for losing my rag, I'm only human and can take so much etc...
My DP then accused me of scaring them, which I responded by thanking him for effectively gaslighting the situation. and how was it acceptable for him to shout at me and take his anger out by twisting my words into a ridiculous argument.
Then I left for work and now I am feeling utterly awful. 1) My children - how have I just behaved, absolutely no control and probably scared the life out of them 2)the whole street has probably heard me so I feel deeply ashamed 3) I know that I've now made it far worse with my DP and due to his ability to hold a grudge we're likely to have an unpleasant few days ahead...
I am so bloody angry, and teary and I've actually scared myself with my temper and feel a bit sick... I v rarely get like this... All I asked was for the bloody house to be tidied up a bit so I didn't have to deal with the fallout and now I'm questioning my mental health and my relationship will be in the bloody pan. Getting any recognition of bad behaviour on my DP's part is like getting blood out of a stone, and whilst I completely lost it and feel awful, I also feel v wronged in his behaviour leading up to it, and the expectation that I should take it and that's completely fine...
Help and advice most appreciated, thank you! And how do I talk to my kids after this blow out?
Aghhhhh.
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Help, I just completely lost my shit and now feel awful
camberwellred · 30/10/2016 13:26
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