STBX narcissist destroying every part of me

[fivetosix]

Some of you may remember I have previously posted about my situation.

I was married for 12 years after rushing into a relationship with a guy whom I married when I was 20. I was young, very naive and scared of being alone. We lived for 3 years overseas until I returned to nurse my Mum who subsequently died from breast cancer. My dad died when I was 16 and I have no siblings.

The relationship has been turbulent, filled with emotional, physical and mental abuse. I was always too scared to leave because with no surviving family and three young DC, I felt I had no option but to stay. I tried to end it two years ago but gave it another try after his family got involved, telling me to try for the sake of the kids. I have since found out that he regularly smokes cannabis whilst out with friends despite him knowing how completely against it I am. I have also been told that he has cheated on me, on more than one occasion, but he has always turned it round because I don't have any proof.

There is a complicated history. My mums house was left to me when she passed, and I was £9K short of paying off the mortgage, which I did in 2008 after STBXH contributed with help from his parents and money saved from his wages. In 2009, we remortgaged the property for £70K and he sent the money the very same day to Turkey as we had looked at buying a property to rent out. He told me that it needed to be in his dads name as he was in disputes with a previous tax bill from his old business, and stupidly, very very stupidly had no issues with it. I had no reason to believe it would ever end like this.

Along with another property which was bought there from savings here, there is a regular rental income each month which is saved into a bank account there (yes, in his fathers name)

We took out a joint loan in 2008 for £20K so that we could purchase a coffee shop. The business lease and rental contract is in his name. There is a 3 bedroomed flat above which we he moved back into in September.

Last year we purchased a house in joint names. The £90K deposit was sent from the money saved up in Turkey with some help from his father and sister, which has since been paid back. I am living in that house with the DCs.

With regards to financial settlement, he has told me that he doesn't want anything from my mums house (value £100K, outstanding debt of £58K- rental income covers the monthly mortgage). He has told me he wants %50 of the sale from the new house if and when I come to sell, but he will not pay anything towards the mortgage (value £350K, outstanding debt £145K).

I have previously worked in the coffee shop and I had the idea of 'renting' it from him, where I would pay him a set figure each week, and after wages, shopping etc the rest would be mine. Hours wise the work is ideal and it's a job I know like the back of my hand. He is due to go into business with another man in the new year so he would be looking to sell or recruit someone anyway. However, he would be living above the business, and it's inevitable the he will start a new relationship etc and so I think it's wiser to cut all ties from him apart from the kids.

I told him that I wanted him to pay half the mortgage for the new house if he is expecting 50% of the profit. I told him as the business was bought in a loan in joint names, that I wanted 50% when he comes to sell. I told him that it wasn't in the slightest bit fair that he's getting a clean monthly income from Turkey and I'm left to clean up debts here. He told me to forget the properties in Turkey as I have no chance at all. He is refusing to pay CSA as he has been dodging the truth on his yearly accounts and has said he won't be liable to pay because his income is 'low'. He will be earning £1K a week from this new venture in the new year in a VAT registered company so surely that would all have to be above board?

He went to Turkey over a month ago to spend time with his family. He is currently in Holland visiting friends. I have had the 3 DCs, a business and the home to look after. I am on Fluoextine and beta blockers due to constant anxiety attacks and it's all because of the dread of him coming home. I have been so happy living as I have been doing for the past month, doing as I please, the kids being more relaxed, and I know he is due back very soon and just the thought of his controlling presence makes me feel sick.

I checked our joint accounts yesterday and money that has been paid in from tax credits etc has been transferred straight back out to his single account. I don't have a penny saved to my name and any money that I've made from the coffee shop has been going straight on bills. I feel at a complete loss. I hate him, I despise the ground he walks on. He has physically and mentally beaten me down to the point that part of me feels sorry for him for me wanting to take him for all he's worth. My heart is in my mouth at the thought of him being here again. I don't want him near me. Why do I still feel as though he has full control?

He has told me that the nicer and more compliant I am with him, the more it will benefit us both. Due to working 7 days and having the DCs I haven't been able to seek legal advice because I have nobody they can be left with. We have shared a family car up until now and he told me that there would be enough saved up in the bank when he came back to get me a cheap runaround. I am still dependent upon him for things like that I don't have a single penny to my name. I feel so lost.

[fivetosix]

He has just told DS he is home Tuesday. I feel sick. I am worried about losing my freedom, him being in control of everything again. I really can't handle it

[jeaux90]

Look OP you need to seek legal advice as the property and finances sound complicated. Listen to that advice and stop being compliant to him and what he wants. My ex was a narc and you need to turn over any commutation you can to your solicitor. You need to be separated and then limit contact as much as you can about access to the kids. The ideal is no contact but clearly the situation is currently complicated. So...

Sort Legal's, limit contact and be determined in this split. Try to see this as a negotiation, reel in your emotions until this is done then savour your freedom and recover. I know what you are going through and being emotional with this doesn't help. Try and get some real life support too. Big hug xxxxx

[fivetosix]

His return was inevitable but I have loved the feeling as though I had control back.

He has moved all of his belongings out of the family home. Would he need to turn violent before I take steps for him to not come anywhere near the house? The pure thought of him being in my presence has me in edge

[CockacidalManiac]

Look OP you need to seek legal advice as the property and finances sound complicated

^^this. As soon as possible.

[dublingirl48653]

asap get legal advice
this is truly dreadful and I am so sorry to hear you are going through this

[fivetosix]

I am full of fear for what is about to happen that I don't have control over. My heart has been in my mouth for days anticipating his return.

I had one quote for £5-10K legal fees at one free advice session but that was taking into account me trying to gain some hold of the properties abroad. FWIW what they amount to in the long run quite possibly wouldn't make it worth me pursuing it for those kinds of fees.

My biggest priority is a car. I currently have £250 to my name scrimped and saved making bauble wreaths and bits here and there whilst I've been running the shop. I have credit cards with no debts and want to avoid those as much as possible if I can.

Why have I been so laid back in the past when it has come to finances etc that was the exact reason my mum couldn't leave my alcoholic father- because she didn't have a penny saved for a rainy day.

[jeaux90]

Sorry this is hard but honestly find a sol you trust it will be worth the fees in the end. They can handle the dreaded communications for you too. You can't do this without the legal help and if the property outside of the uk isn't worth the fight fine but your sol will take it into account during the negotiation because this is exactly what this will be a negotiation. Stay strong. Does he have legal access to where you live now? If you are worried about him kicking off you call the police straight away. Big hug xxx

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Practical things: do you have your own, non-joint bank account? If not, open one. Then get the tax credits etc transferred to that account.

Do you have access to any paperwork that will prove his earnings? Photocopy it or scan it and send it to your email. While you are at it, create a new email account he doesn't know anything about and make sure the password is unguessable.

Who pays your phone right now? If it's anything to do with him, buy a cheap pay as you go the next time you are buying shopping for the business. You need to have a comms line to the outside world.

If you do shopping for the business at a supermarket, get a small amount of cash back every time. Not massively ethical but you are going to need some cash.

If you don't want to go after the properties abroad then don't, but for gods sake don't tell him that. Use it as a negotiation tactic.

You can totally do this.

[fivetosix]

I do have my own single bank account and 3 credit cards in my name. My phone contract is a cheap one (£14 a month) but it was taken out in his name as I previously had bad credit. The phone itself is mine.

I only have the books for last year and this. However, I do have receipts showing the amount of shopping and bills etc since 2008. He is claiming that he makes £9K a year, but weekly shopping averages £4K so would the receipts be sufficient? How would his accountant wangled it in his favour? A friend said that the accountant would only go on what he is given, but considering the book of daily incomings and outgoings shows an average profit of £700 a week, that equates to £36K a year?

[fivetosix]

He has transferred nearly £2K to his single account from our joint in the past ten days 

[tipsytrifle]

You really need to get a grip on the finances being drained away from you at an alarming rate. He's storing all the money in his name. PLEASE put a stop to this instantly. Talk to a solicitor - maybe even the bank/s involved? You absolutely know that he will ruin you and make leaving an even more terrifying prospect than it already is. I seriously doubt you can recoup any of the dosh he's already stolen internationally but you must be able to prevent even more damage being done? You need to take advice and action immediately. At which point, of course, your marriage and business partnership is over. This man is your enemy. There isn't an honourable bone in his body. Find your fighting spirit.

[fivetosix]

He phoned to say he is landing at 7.30 tomorrow. I feel sick. How the hell has he got me feeling like this
I need to be strong but honestly sometimes I don't feel like I have it in me anymore

[Kazplus2]

Why are you not also transferring money from the joint acct to your single account?

[fivetosix]

Sounds stupid when I say I'm scared to. Scared of bills bouncing. Scared of the consequences. I'm sitting here crying because all of the confidence I have built up over the past five weeks will be ripped away from me again as soon as he's back

[FlorisApple]

He sounds like a terrible, horrible, dreadful prick OP, that is why you are feeling so anxious about his return. But what really jumps out at me from what you have said is: my God, you are one strong woman! You have been running a business and looking after three DC by yourself, with no help from family! You are probably right to let go of the money/properties overseas, for your sanity and for the cost of a solicitor and just focus on setting yourself up independently in the UK. A good solicitor will surely be able to advise you on whether if is worth pursuing them; maybe at a later date. If you have successfully run this coffee shop then you have enormous resources of strength and courage that you need to continue to draw on. Transfer some money to your own bank account if you can and get yourself to a solicitor (so be it if the kids have to come along in tow asap).

[fivetosix]

Thank you Florisapple

A mutual friend of ours (guy in his 60s) has told me this evening that he would never find a girl like me again and that he is set to lose so much. That made me cry. If other people can see my worth, then why hasn't he been able to?

Why am I so scared of him? If there is violence, I can call the police. If I default on the mortgage because I have no money, then he will be coming up shit creek with me. I hate the emotional wreck that I have become.

I am even panicking about buying a second hand car using my credit card because I've never had to worry about finances before (certainly learnt my lesson now).

I read an article today on gas lighting and the effect it has on the victim. It was true down to its every word, that I know longer trust my own decisions because I'm almost waiting to fail.

The children have been amazing over the past 5 weeks since he has been gone. We have made some amazing memories together. I have been a fun and care free Mum. Tonight they knew something was wrong and I couldn't tell them the truth. I don't want them to lose their love for their dad just because I have, but I'm tearing up inside.

[fivetosix]

I may need some hand holding tonight if anyone would. He will be wanting to see the children and I cannot bear the thought of seeing him. I will be handing the car back to him so don't have much choice but to see him.

I am preparing for it to turn nasty because I will no longer bow down to his needs or requests

[Bunkai]

Find a good solicitor asap. I had to block the divorce and take my xH to court over finances. It cost me £4500 in all but the solicitor was happy for me to pay a small amount each month. Find one thst is happy with regular small payments. His hourly rate was £250 but he was worth every penny.

[fivetosix]

He has told me he's moving back to Turkey, that he can't live in this situation here. I told him if he wasn't going to be here then I would have no problem running the cafe as my own as I wouldn't have him interfering, to which he agreed.
Although this is the ideal situation for me, why do I feel so shocked?
He doesn't understand what he's done wrong. He said as much as he's at fault, I haven't been the wife he wanted me to be. He said all he has done until now has been for us as a family like buying the new house etc. He told me that nobody around here likes me 😔 I don't think he knows the extent of the emotional abuse I've put up with, yet I can't help but feel sorry for him? xx

[Bunkai]

"Nobody round here likes me" that's classic narc bullshit. A sweeping generalisation that you're to blame. That will not be the case. He wanted you to feel bad.

Deep breath. Get the advice and don't listen to his ramblings.

[fivetosix]

He phoned me to tell me he was going to do something stupid to himself and that he would be put away for it. I told him to get himself help or go back to his mum. I'm not falling for any of it.

He told me he came back from Turkey to try and start afresh and be happy with the kids and I, yet last night he said he was upping and leaving because he couldn't stay here anymore?

Less than 24 hours since he's been back and I've been called all names under the sun. He then relents and tells me he's sorry for everything he says when he's angry. 12 years makes for a lot of apologising

He has seriously fucked with my head

[mortgagefreesoon5]

Good riddance, the sooner he goes the better. You are strong OP.
Get everything in writing, draw by a solicitor, remember ( and remind him)that you are fighting for your dc inheritance, try to concentrate in the practicalities. One step at the time.

I can only imagine how hard it is, and keep remembering you are going to be much better off soon.

[Shurelyshomemistake]

If it's practically difficult for you to call a solicitor, could you call refuge ? They may be able to help you out.

Legal advice is absolutely imperative to help you disentangle yourself from this mess and get away from him, you poor thing. He sounds awful.

[Cricrichan]

Op. Get a solicitor. Also, if you have to pretend to get back with him temporarily whilst you rearrange the finances, it could be worth doing? I know it goes against the person that you are, but might be worth doing.

[iremembericod]

At the very least, put a block on the joint account today

I had to do the same with my ex as he drained it. It means any transactions have to be authorised by both parties.

But get a solicitor sharpish. If someone was stealing money from your business would you just sit back and let them do it?