I don't want to drip feed so I will try and be as detailed as possible.
I'm 27 and I've been dating a 50 year old man for over a year. I moved to the area where he lived a few streets away, around 2 years ago. I met him in the gym, and we later realised we were both members of the same volunteering group (I don't want to say what exactly), and I also have a part time job in the local shop. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that when I met him I felt like I had met my other half. And Im very cynical usually, so it took me by surprise. Age gap hasn't bothered us at all, he's young for his age and I'm old for mine.
Throughout the last 14 months, I've seen him nearly every day and spoken every day on the phone on the few days we haven't seen each other. I've been to his house, but never met his kids. This hasn't bothered me, we talk about them lots and I always figured I would meet them one day when the time was right.
Before there was ANYTHING sexual between us, and as we initially got to know each other, he told me his ex wife lived in the same house and that they lived separate lives. When we eventually got together, he told me she couldn't know about us because it would screw things up for the kids. I accepted this, mainly because she worked away a lot and he told me she did this because they preferred spending as much time apart as they could, with a plan to sell their house once the kids left school in 2 years, and then they would buy two smaller houses. He's a great dad and I thought that unless he and I were properly serious, then we may as well not bother disrupting anything. I've also spent many nights at his house and seen their separate living arrangements, and there's nothing in the house to suggest they are 'together.' If anything, its the opposite... plans to sell etc.
Fast forward 6 months ago, and I see a text come up on his phone when he's driving, from the 'ex wife.' She's asking what he wants for tea and there's lots of kisses at the end. I pick up the phone, he grabs it off me, I say immediately that I want to read all texts from her, and he deletes the thread. I was so angry and told him that there would be no reason at all for secrets on his phone if they had a purely civil 'housemate' relationship. He told me he felt awkward about me reading personal messages. The end of this argument culminated in him telling me that she did want to separate in 2 years and sell, but if she knew he was seeing me now, then she would be 'very upset' and 'she sometimes tries to make it work' even though 'they both know it won't.' He painted her as crazy, (showed me examples of this, earlier messages and emails where she had been quite nasty, a video recording of her smashing up the house etc).
At this point, I knew that in some way I was essentially the other woman. And I carried on seeing him. I feel sick typing this because I started to realise that she probably is trying to make their broken marriage work, while he is having an affair. And I'm part of it.
And now I want to tell her. But I'm scared because he has painted her in such a crazy way, I'm worried about what she might do (i know that's pathetic on my part). I also worry about the effect on the kids.
I wouldn't be telling her because I want to be in his life. I don't trust him at all anymore. But I feel so guilty that I carried on. I hate myself for it. Should I tell her? Anonymously or otherwise? Will I have ruined her kids lives if I do that? What about having to see him a few times a week at the local shop (he will still come in), and at the gym?
My mind is such a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I had never met him.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Realising you're the other woman and deciding what to do. Please help
maybebabysauce · 27/10/2016 20:19
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