Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Realising you're the other woman and deciding what to do. Please help(46 Posts)
I don't want to drip feed so I will try and be as detailed as possible.
I'm 27 and I've been dating a 50 year old man for over a year. I moved to the area where he lived a few streets away, around 2 years ago. I met him in the gym, and we later realised we were both members of the same volunteering group (I don't want to say what exactly), and I also have a part time job in the local shop. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that when I met him I felt like I had met my other half. And Im very cynical usually, so it took me by surprise. Age gap hasn't bothered us at all, he's young for his age and I'm old for mine.
Throughout the last 14 months, I've seen him nearly every day and spoken every day on the phone on the few days we haven't seen each other. I've been to his house, but never met his kids. This hasn't bothered me, we talk about them lots and I always figured I would meet them one day when the time was right.
Before there was ANYTHING sexual between us, and as we initially got to know each other, he told me his ex wife lived in the same house and that they lived separate lives. When we eventually got together, he told me she couldn't know about us because it would screw things up for the kids. I accepted this, mainly because she worked away a lot and he told me she did this because they preferred spending as much time apart as they could, with a plan to sell their house once the kids left school in 2 years, and then they would buy two smaller houses. He's a great dad and I thought that unless he and I were properly serious, then we may as well not bother disrupting anything. I've also spent many nights at his house and seen their separate living arrangements, and there's nothing in the house to suggest they are 'together.' If anything, its the opposite... plans to sell etc.
Fast forward 6 months ago, and I see a text come up on his phone when he's driving, from the 'ex wife.' She's asking what he wants for tea and there's lots of kisses at the end. I pick up the phone, he grabs it off me, I say immediately that I want to read all texts from her, and he deletes the thread. I was so angry and told him that there would be no reason at all for secrets on his phone if they had a purely civil 'housemate' relationship. He told me he felt awkward about me reading personal messages. The end of this argument culminated in him telling me that she did want to separate in 2 years and sell, but if she knew he was seeing me now, then she would be 'very upset' and 'she sometimes tries to make it work' even though 'they both know it won't.' He painted her as crazy, (showed me examples of this, earlier messages and emails where she had been quite nasty, a video recording of her smashing up the house etc).
At this point, I knew that in some way I was essentially the other woman. And I carried on seeing him. I feel sick typing this because I started to realise that she probably is trying to make their broken marriage work, while he is having an affair. And I'm part of it.
And now I want to tell her. But I'm scared because he has painted her in such a crazy way, I'm worried about what she might do (i know that's pathetic on my part). I also worry about the effect on the kids.
I wouldn't be telling her because I want to be in his life. I don't trust him at all anymore. But I feel so guilty that I carried on. I hate myself for it. Should I tell her? Anonymously or otherwise? Will I have ruined her kids lives if I do that? What about having to see him a few times a week at the local shop (he will still come in), and at the gym?
My mind is such a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I had never met him.
Sadly, you've fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book. Can't see any positives in this. Sorry
If I was you I'd just cut him out entirely. Stop speaking to him, stop seeing him, don't acknowledge him when you bump into each other ( have headphones in at the gym/go work in a different part of the shop if possible when he comes in).
I wouldn't tell the wife in your shoes. Finding out your other half is having an affair is so painful that it's often easiest for the wife/girlfriend to lash out as the OW and see them in a 'home wrecker' sort of way rather than focus on the betrayal of the partner.
You're right in that you'd never be able to trust him and in not wanting a future like that for yourself. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much for believing him in the first place. There's a reason 'the script' exists - it works until you've had a reason to wise up to it. It was wrong to continue after realising 6 months ago this was an affair but I think you probably already realise that, there's nothing you can do about that now. I just wouldn't put yourself through anymore of it!
'he told me his ex wife lived in the same house and that they lived separate lives. When we eventually got together, he told me she couldn't know about us because it would screw things up for the kids' aye right! You should have realised as soon as 'my ex wife can't know' came up and been wary at them still living together, it happens but is usually a temporary situation.
'He's a great dad' you couldn't possibly know this if you've never even met his kids you'd only know what he told you.
'He painted her as crazy' of course
Not for you to tell her, somebody should, but not you. You'd be be telling her to salve your own conscience not for her or her children's benefit. Tell him not to come in shop (there's plenty others), change gym and have nothing more to do with him.
You wish you had never met him?
Then do the next best thing and erase him from your life. Learn your lesson, move on without a backward glance. Sorted.
It really is that easy.
If I was her I think I would want to know. Having said that if I were you I don't think I would tell her.
The healthiest thing for you would be to make a clean break. Walk away and don't look back.
He has played you and you just need to leave him and never look back. He's an asshole.
But you have no right to tell
His wife. What good will that do? Just leave that alone and walk away
Totally agree with all the advice above - make a clean break.
Have you posted about this before? The story sounds familiar.
I've been the other woman, but I was younger than you - 17. He told me he was separated, took me to meet his parents and brother, I met his workmates - everywhere we went, we were accepted as a couple. He told me his wife had cancer and so he was letting her live in their house while he paid half the mortgage. I was even taken to his house - at no point did I ever get the sense he was lying to me about his marriage.
Eventually, however, his wife found out about our relationship, when she found a disk with love letters he had typed to me on it, along with a track listing for a compilation tape. She contacted me (I was still at school!) by post and said she was still married to him and still sleeping with him. I confronted him and he denied it, and said her cancer treatment had done something to her memory and she was confused. I believed him, because I had met his family - surely he had nothing to hide? However it turned out he was lying and she filed for divorce, timing the papers so they arrived naming me as Co respondent on my 18th birthday.
Still, I stayed with him and even moved in with him, and then after a year or so he started staying out, making excuses about a friend. He was cheating on me.
I fell for the whole script, and what was worse, he used the whole cancer thing. I have no idea if that was true or not, to this day. I suspect not. It was despicable and it took far too long for the scales to fall from my eyes. I felt that because he had stayed with me and left her he must love me - with the benefit of hindsight she had chucked him out on his cheating arse and so he stayed with me so he could have a guaranteed shag (and punchbag, but that's another story).
Walk away now while you still have some self respect.
Honestly, even if he was saying the truth, there's no point in pursuing this, just stop seeing him.
Do you really want to spend the next 4 years of your life waiting for a divorce to come though? You will be so fed up of waiting by then, you might not even end up together. You are young, you still have time to find a lovely person your own age who is available to progress a relationship, this guy is NOT.
Telling the wife doesn't get you nearer to be with him, if he is happy to continue living with her and keep YOU in the back burner for years, I can assure you he will go straight back to his wife if you tell her, even if it is in the excuse of saving his relationship with his kids.
My mum has been in the same situation as the person you have been seeing wife. I was 25 when my dad had an affair with a much younger women. As you are asking how it would affect his children, I can offer some advice here. My advice is don't do anything. Leave him and let that be it.
I cannot stand the woman that played a part in my mum and dad's break up (I'm not saying it's all her fault at all) because she made it all come out the way it did. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons and as wrong as it is, it happens. However the way you deal with the affair when it comes out, that's what can make things so much worse. We found out about my dads on Christmas Day, it didn't have to be like that but she made it happen and I will never ever ever forgive her for it. She had been seeing my dad for months and yes my mum and dad weren't exactly happy together. But if she hadn't been like she had when the affair came out, I probably wouldn't hate her so much.
So what I'm saying is, let him deal with it. By coming out and saying what's been going on is going to do you no good what so ever, all you will get is hate towards you. You will gain absolutely nothing from telling his wife and just make things a hell of a lot more stressful for you and his family. What you have said is all very similar to what happened to my family so I'm speaking from experience here. Just move on
I met a man in my teens who told much the same. When I slept at his I saw woman's clothing in the wardrobe but he explained she was living in a very small place temporarily so he was keeping her stuff until she found somewhere more suitable. It was all bollocks. Yes, she was away, but not because they'd split up. She'd taken their toddler for 6 weeks to visit her parents who lived abroad. As soon as I knew he was married I dumped him. And you should do the same. Being the OW is tacky and hurts your self-respect. Before you know, that's one thing. Once you know the truth you have no excuse.
What possible reason could you have to tell his poor wife? The only one I can think of is to push her into ending their marriage, thereby freeing him up for you. If that's part of your thinking, then think again. The only thing you know for certain about this man is that he's a cheat. As others have said, he may tell you he's a good father but as you've never seen him parenting that's pretty meaningless.
I would never start a relationship with a cheat, if only for purely selfish reasons. If he's cheating on his wife there's a really good chance that he'll cheat on you down the line. End it. You have loads of time to meet someone in whom you can place complete trust.
Having been married to a man I knew I could trust with my life I can promise you that the peace of mind this offers is well worth waiting for. This man has told you a string of lies. Forget him.
He's lied to you from the start and tbh you were pretty naive to believe it.
Block his number, delete him, and move on.
And be a bit more switched on next time.
I wouldn't bother telling her you'll end up being the bad one when it all smooths over and they're playing happy families again, he will make her think your crazy like he has done her to you, I've noticed a lot of men, when they get called out on there bullsh*t by women, suddenly start slandering the woman to everyone making out she psychotic when really she's had enough and tried to put her foot down
At your age you don't need to be a part of this you can move on and meet someone decent, it will all come out in the wash and you'll be made out to be the home wrecker when really you were innocent in all of this,
My advice to you, delete and block, start over and remember a time before you met him, you coped then so you can cope without him now, let us know what you decide to do and I hope your okay
Yep, it's a no-brainer. You've either been a distraction in an unsatisfying marriage, or you're being lined up if it all fails.
Either way, it's hardly a young girl's dream, is it?
Just walk away, leave him (and her) to it. Not your drama.
I had the same lines when I was 17 from a man in his 30's. I left him to it coz I knew at 17 he was full of utter horseshit ..I think you've been very naive.
Im not sure if it would be wise to tell her. She certainly deserves to know what a total twat she's married to though. if I were you though I'd probably just make a clean break from it. I feel sorry for his wife and kids
Just end it. You'll fall out of love with him quickly. I fell for the old "my wife's an alcoholic / she's crazy / but we live together for the kids". I was the same age as his eldest daughter. Came to my senses when he suggested we could have a baby! Honestly, OP, being with him is probably my only big regret in life. And I've done lots of other stupid things... The sooner you ditch him, the sooner you'll get over it.
And don't tell his wife! That's his own business...
In my opinion it is not your place to tell her, that may ease your guilt but she may not know, end it and keep out of it.
My hubbie has left us he had an affair for 9 months, the other woman is still in his life but not left her hubbie, people tell me to tell him but it's not my place
You really should not be the one telling her
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.