Love but not in love

[basketcasemother]

So I have been told this by my partner of sixteen years although he can't explain it.
My question is, has anyone felt like this about their long term partner/dh? If so how did it affect you? What was the difference for you between being 'in love' and just 'loving' your other half? Was there anything that could have saved your relationship?
Would love to hear people's experiences of this as I am at a total loss :(

[LadySilvia]

It's widely thought to be a line from the cheater's script, I'm sorry to say. My STBXH told me this: found out two months later there was an OW. Really hope this isn't the case for you. - I and many others have heard these words and they are awful to hear.

[benbry]

Hate to say this OP, but on here it's generally considered to mean he's met someone else he's fallen for. Is that a possibility?

[TheNaze73]

It can mean that in some cases but, not all.

[basketcasemother]

It turned out that he had 'fallen for' someone else but nothing came of it, yet he is still insistent that it's because he just doesn't feel the right way anymore.
But on the other hand, he is still so caring, would do anything for me etc. I am just trying to make sense of what the difference is ...

[benbry]

Did nothing come of it due to her or him?

[Neverknowing]

I have never cheated and I feel like this. My DP is great, but I don't think either of us are 'in love' we're sort of just amazing friends who live together? I don't know if I've ever had that 'magical' feeling but this is enough for me. We're happy

[basketcasemother]

Benbry it was her choice

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

OP usually it means that husband/wife has lost any passionate feeling towards their spouse, but they still care about them and would do things for them - more like with a close relative or a long term friend.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

..and inevitably the sex life dwindles.

[FourToTheFloor]

So it sounds like he's got that first rush of infatuation confused with love. He's comparing how he felt about the infatuation with how he feels with you and thinks he loves you but isn't in love

So you know he's had his head turned and could say such a callous thing to you. What do you want? Happy to pretend it didn't happen/won't happen again?

[basketcasemother]

Surely the passion fades eventually or at least has its ups and downs?
No I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, I'm trying to move on but I still can't make sense of things and trying to see how our relationship differed from anyone else's.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You're trying to move on but what is he doing here?.

Its not you, its him. What he has done here is cruel to you, he's dropped this bomb on you.

Actually I would ask him to leave, you need space and time away from him. I think it will be very difficult for you to move on without any form of counselling.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I would also ask for some space to really think things through.
You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't 'in love' with you.
1st though he needs to understand loss.
What life would be like without you there constantly.
He's had his head turned.
This is the cheaters script line and it's horrible.
Ask him to give you 2 weeks head space so you can think without him around all the time.
Take your time to think everything through.

[basketcasemother]

He has left but is wanting to be friends. While I do want this as we have children together, I'm trying very hard not to hate him and am very resentful that he could do this to me (and his children!) when he knew how much I loved him and always would have.
He is acting like he has done a noble thing and that we would have ended up hating each other so I'm trying to see his point of view (although I doubt I will ever agree with it)

[benbry]

Morning basket, are you absolutely sure he's not still in touch with this woman? It's unusual to leave the family home if he didn't have to.

Where's he staying?

[hellsbellsmelons]

OK then, just watch yourself.
They always start off wanting to be friends and do the 'right thing'
This soon changes though!
Get yourself to a solicitor and get information on where you stand financially.
Take any financial info you can with you.
How much he earns, savings, pensions, assets (cars etc.).
Do you work?
What is the house situation?
Mortgage in both names? Rented?
Get practical.
This 'man' will not be your 'friend' for much longer.

[ddrmum]

Just here to handhold basket as it sounds like he's distancing himself & trying to alleviate his guilt. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

[basketcasemother]

He doesn't want anything from the house and has already set himself up in a flat. He works with the ow but is adamant that it was over before it started.
We are quite friendly but I'm struggling to understand how anyone could just ditch their family like he has

[benbry]

I wouldn't believe him. If it's not her it'll be someone else.

Why would he leave a partner and children he loves for nothing?

[hellsbellsmelons]

He doesn't want anything from the house
Been there and got the t-shirt!!!
Your Ex might be a good one (although he's cheated and left his wife and family so I doubt he is) but don't think for one second that it will all be rosy for you and he will let you have everything.
When he starts to struggle he'll change his tune!
Get some legal advice.
I hope you won't need it but I don't anyone who has been lucky enough to get everything the 'D'H promised at the start of separation.

[Triskel]

he doesn't understand that loves changes over time and he's getting a huge rush from feeling newly 'in love'.

Being away from you right now won't help if he is getting attention from someone new, but over time he is likely to miss his life.

It depends if/how long you want to wait. the separation worked for us. He just hadn't thought through the realities and needed to experience the loss. If tou want to wait, don't give him nice friendly chats. Talk to him only about kids:finances so that he loses your emotional support entirely. It also starts the difficult process of detaching for you, which helps you move on quicker if that is the outcome.

I think counselling ( from a good, well qualified therapist) would help you a lot just now. I believe it's essential for him too so that he understands what he is doing, but he might not see it that way.

Good luck.

[basketcasemother]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been trying to detach and am
On the waiting list for counselling.
The trouble I'm having with detaching is that he is becoming more and more depressed and gets upset quite a lot and I would have trouble walking past a stranger who was so upset let alone someone I have loved for so long.
However, as triket says I think he does need a chance to miss the emotional support from me as he's having it all ways at the moment. He's taking part in family occasions yet having none of the responsibilities that go with a family.
At the moment I wouldn't take him back and I don't know if that would ever change in the future. It all just seems such a waste to me so I'm trying to salvage as good a life for my children as I can.

[Naicehamshop]

You are doing the right thing op.

I understand that you are upset by his depression but don't let that stop you from detaching. Your emotional health and your children's happiness are more important than him at this moment in time.

[Unrequitedlove]

I was in relationship/married for 13. No-one else involved but had no desire for my exdh sexually, was more like a brother. I loved him but was not in love and for me, I'd rather be on my own and have an opportunity (or not) for something more rather than plod on..

[basketcasemother]

Triskel what's your story? (If you don't mind sharing?) how long did it all go on for etc?

Unrequited how long had he been more like a brother? What's your relationship with your ex like now?