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Who is normal?

(32 Posts)
Sleepdream Mon 12-Sep-16 17:16:49

Need a little advice from an outsider opinion... We have been together 14 years, two children. Have had a couple of breakups in those 14 years but ended up back together, all fine. My issue is I find him very needy, he constantly wants sex. Will ask most days and stupidly over the years I ended up giving in if he offered me something, for example.. When children were babies and I was too tired he would say I will get up early, so in end I would do it. Fast forward all these years later and it's still used as a bargaining tool, but for other things. Think housework. Obviously there are times where I will do it because I fancy it, but these a few and far between. I do know other couples who do this so have kind of thought ah well it must be normal(ish).
He constantly wants to be in my company when he is not at work. Always wanting kisses and cuddles, groping my bum or boobs as I walk past. Texts me all the time telling me he loves me etc etc. Which of course is all very nice, but I just find it smothering. After 14 years together I'm happy to just live alongside each other, not in each other's pockets!
He is a lovely, kind, caring partner and I know the grass is not greener. But I do wonder if his behaviour is 'normal'? I've tried talking to him and he will sometime agree he's a bit much, mostly he will say that we are loving partners so i should be happy to do these thing. Quite honestly I don't fancy sex very often, I'd be happy once a month. Also I do not feel the need for constant affection. Is it normal for me to not feel the need for this, is this just what happens after so many years together?

SaggyNaggy Mon 12-Sep-16 17:21:21

He's coercive, controlling and will only help if he gets a shag.
What's his good points?

TheNaze73 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:22:36

You are, his borderline obsessive. I couldn't live like that

redisthenewblack Mon 12-Sep-16 17:31:07

If a stranger in the street groped your bum/boobs when you didn't want you'd ring the police!

Taken from the WA website:
Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don’t want it*; forcing you to look at pornographic material; constant *pressure and harassment into having sex when you don’t want to, forcing you to have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.

I'm sorry OP, this 'man' is sexually abusing you.

redisthenewblack Mon 12-Sep-16 17:33:14

Bold fail.
The points I was trting to highlight:
Having sex with you when you don't want it,
Pressure and harassment into having sex when you don't want to.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 12-Sep-16 17:33:27

He sounds like an abusive twat

Sleepdream Mon 12-Sep-16 17:38:20

I do feel like he is obsessive.
He is kind and very caring, everybody loves him. My family, friends etc. Works hard to support us. Basically his world revolves around me.
He genuinely is a nice guy. But I think he is very insecure and uses sex and affection to make him feel wanted?

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:43:54

Yuck, how can you possibly have any respect for him so no it's not normal, no matter how you try to defend it, it's actually horrible.

He's not been blackmailing your friends and family though has he.

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:44:34

Does he watch a lot of porn?

Sleepdream Mon 12-Sep-16 17:46:40

I'm not defending it, I'm just trying to paint you the picture of how I see him. Yes he does watch porn.

redisthenewblack Mon 12-Sep-16 17:50:12

it's still used as a bargaining tool, but for other things. Think housework

What would his reaction be if you said 'oh well I don't feel like it tonight, but since you've offered, you can do the ironing anyway!' ?

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:51:16

I don't care how insecure he is, after 14 years or 4 weeks, no person has the right to coerce you or blackmail you into having sex with them, it's just wrong, end of.

Not the kind of relationship I would want to be in, I think I would end up hating him.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 12-Sep-16 17:52:23

I'm very taken aback by some people's reactions. Tbh, I think your values are odd. To get stuff by allowing him sex is degrading. You're basically selling him sex. It's not something I'd.consider normal. At all.

You describe how he constantly wants to be in your company. That's not abusive. Always wanting kisses and cuddles. Clingy, yes, but to talk about WA is ridiculous.

Men often ask for sex because they want reassurance. I had a partner like that a long time ago. They don't feel they can ask you to prove you love them. They think sex will prove it. You may find that simply telling him, again and again until he believes you, how much you love him. If you do.

Why not try counselling? Sounds like you would both benefit.

Sleepdream Mon 12-Sep-16 17:53:56

He does help in the house, he's actually quite good.
It's more if he knows something specifically needs doing as I'm a bit of a tidy freak then he will use that to bargain with.

He says that after sex he feels happy and energised. I do notice how it effects his mood. He's not nasty to me, but can get sulky.

redisthenewblack Mon 12-Sep-16 17:55:28

Prawn please explain why you think talking about WA is 'ridiculous'

Costacoffeeplease Mon 12-Sep-16 17:56:02

He will use domestic chores to bargain for ex? confused


Costacoffeeplease Mon 12-Sep-16 17:56:23


Sleepdream Mon 12-Sep-16 17:56:55

I do feel degraded, you are right.

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:57:29

And what about your feelings OP, if you are in the mood or not, doesn't seem to matter to him as long as he is getting what HE wants, not right at all.

I think you have been doing it that long it's your normal and if you are OK with it, I am just wondering why you have posted, each to their own and all that.

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:58:54

Yes, at last, you feel degraded, any woman would!

I'd be checking what and how much porn he is using too, a lot of these men tend to try and act out what they are watching, in other words, they start to see you as a piece of meat.

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 18:00:01

Yes how exactly is WA ridiculous?

Sleepdream Mon 12-Sep-16 18:01:37

I'm not sure why you say you aren't sure why I posted?!
Maybe deep down I'm feeling it isn't right, I wanted advice.

He doesn't try and act out anything, it's just bog standard sex.

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 18:04:10

All I can say to you is stop allowing it to continue; he sounds exhausting.

You sounded ok with it OP, that's why until I read your last post, please stop allowing it, you matter, you have a voice and you have a right to your own decisions about your body.

Saltfish Mon 12-Sep-16 18:07:12

He is kind and caring but is using coercion to have sex with you? confused get a clue op. Only men get to be "good guy" at the same time they do horrible shit.

redisthenewblack Mon 12-Sep-16 18:07:37

So his actions leave you feeling degraded and deep down you feel it isn't right.

What's your next move?

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