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BF won't touch me intimately during sex. **TMI WARNING**

(26 Posts)
slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 14:02:33

I can't post this on the sex area as have namechanged to post it! This is about sex though so fair warning.

Fairly new BF. wonderful in every other respect, he is caring, kind and generous. Treats me exceptionally well. Clearly fancies me like mad BUT I have noticed he never touches me intimately during sex. He has done once but nothing otherwise. It is starting to bother me. Sex is wonderful otherwise, we are at it for hours and he can come multiple times. I get the impression he isn't particularly experienced in bed but I don't know as he won't discuss previous experiences. He is very sensitive himself and half the time I'm not sure if he actually likes what I do to him or not!
Last night I was at his. We couldn't have sex due to period but obviously there is lots more ways to have fun! We were busy for TWO hours and he didn't touch me below once. I was desperate and in the end did it myself. I did ask him and he was of course fine with it but it is leaving me a bit unsettled that he wouldn't play with me himself.

I know I need to talk to him but he would be horrified if he thought I wasn't enjoying myself in bed. He says it has never been as good as this for him before. I am ashamed to say I have faked orgasms while having sex though. I feel awful. Opinions on why he doesn't want to touch me?!

I can't post this in sex as have namechanged.

madgingermunchkin Sun 11-Sep-16 14:07:53

If he's not that experienced that he probably is too embarrassed to admit he has no idea what's he's doing.

Sit him down outside of the bedroom and talk to him about it. And for the love of God, stop faking it.

slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 14:11:30

I know madginger I always said I wouldn't do that. I think he tries to hold off until I come when having sex but I just can't come like that. I need stimulation. I can't explain that now without telling him I've been faking which would really upset him.

madgingermunchkin Sun 11-Sep-16 14:14:41

Yes it will, but he'll be more upset the longer you leave it.
It's not going to get any better, and you're just going to get yourself stuck in a never ending circle of not being able to tell him and growing ever more frustrated.

No one magically knows what to do, we all have to learn. Now is your chance.

PotteringAlong Sun 11-Sep-16 14:14:50

sex is wonderful really? You're faking orgasms, you don't think he's enjoying it, you can't talk to him about it. honestly, it doesn't sound that wonderful to me.

You need to have an honest conversation.

slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 14:18:41

I think he enjoys it very much Pottering actually but when I touch him he seems very sensitive. I find him such a turn on, I think it makes things worse. Spending 2 hours being incredible turned on is torturous. I think you are probably right, it could be a lot more wonderful.

He is a very shy man and I haven't wanted to embarrass him.

Bobochic Sun 11-Sep-16 14:22:52

It sounds more as if you are very sexually attracted to this man rather than the sex is wonderful. Clearly you fancy the pants off one another but you need to work on your technique together.

VioletBam Sun 11-Sep-16 14:25:58

He might have been abused. I know a man who can't receive oral sex because of abuse. He can't give it either. His abuser was a woman.

Tread carefully just in case.

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 11-Sep-16 14:28:32

I'm not sure how sex can be wonderful if he isn't touching you. You need to be very frank as it's simply unfair that he is satisfied and you are not. How does he feel about oral, I bet he likes to receive it.

BreatheDeep Sun 11-Sep-16 14:28:43

Can you guide his hand to where you want it? It always takes a while to get used to each others likes and dislikes in a new relationship but it will never get better if you don't let him know and keep pretending you're enjoying it more than you are

Hhmyeahsuremaybe Sun 11-Sep-16 14:31:13

Squeamish of getting blood on his hands?

slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 14:31:33

I think you might be right Bobo. Oddly enough when I first knew him I didn't fancy him at all! Now I can't get enough of him.

pollyblack Sun 11-Sep-16 14:34:18

Maybe he thought it was off limits since you'd already told him no sex cause of period? Maybe he thoughr no downstairs action at all?

NotTheFordType Sun 11-Sep-16 14:34:21

If you're close enough to be having sex with someone, you're close enough to be using your words.

Or if, you know, that's too embarrassing then prepare yourself for a couple of decades of appalling sex, followed by the implosion of your family when he eventually catches you banging someone else.

slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 14:34:53

Hhm That was just last night though, this has been going on for our entire relationship.
I have given him oral once, He appeared to very much enjoy it but stopped me. He keeps very tight control of himself, I think he would come very quickly if he didn't. We were messing about the other day and I literally put my hand around him and he came instantly. And apologised.

Ah, I really need to talk to him don't I.

slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 14:37:13

NotTheFord That is one hell of an assumption to make. I was once married. I discovered my XH in bed with my chief bridesmaid and his best mans fiancee, using my bloody handcuffs, ten months after my wedding. There is ZERO chance of me ever causing someone else that sort of pain.

madgingermunchkin Sun 11-Sep-16 14:39:56

Yes you need to talk to him maybe over a glass of something to take the edge off nerves and embarrassment.

It's only going to get worse if you don't.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 11-Sep-16 14:42:06

There might have been a time in the very distant past when men didn't know that most women need a bit more than the straight in-and-out and nothing else in order to achieve orgasm. You know you need to grasp the nettle and either tell him or show him what it is that you want. He tries to penetrate, you say "no, not now, I'm not ready yet". Or continue to fake it and he carries on believing that what's happening is right for you.

I'm trying to be charitable here and suggest maybe that he thought you didn't want to be touched intimately while you were having your period. But if he's never touched you intimately before he's not going to start unless you tell him that you need him to or penetration isn't ever going to happen.

NotTheFordType Sun 11-Sep-16 15:01:04

Bloody hell, I assumed this was your first serious relationship, what with all the coy "down there" wording.

JellyBelli Sun 11-Sep-16 15:03:44

Stop faking it.
Take his hand in yours and show him what you want.

Take your courage in both hands and start talking to him. You dont have to get it all over in one conversation but you do need to show him that talking wont make the ceiling fall down.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 11-Sep-16 15:07:20

Maybe he worries if he is too 'involved' with the touching he will come too quickly? Maybe he has bad experience of this with an non understanding partner?

SianSteans Sun 11-Sep-16 15:16:31

Yeah you need to stop faking. That's never going to help. Also can I ask why sex was off the table because of your period? Is that your thing or his? Because if he doesn't want to touch you below the waist nor want sex while you're bleeding maybe he has issues with female anatomy which he needs to fix

slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 15:43:44

NotTheFord As we are in a culture that embraces freedom of speech, I have the right to use whatever words I choose to discuss my anatomy. If you don't like the terms I use, then you don't have to read them.

No the period thing is entirely me. I don't like to have penetrative sex during a period. Can't be doing with the mess.

VestalVirgin Sun 11-Sep-16 15:49:44

Stop faking, and explain it. From what you've told us he seems to be a sweet guy who really wants to be good in bed so I don't think he'll throw a tantrum.

slightlypreoccupied Sun 11-Sep-16 15:56:50

No he wouldn't throw a tantrum! He will just be embarrassed I think. I'll speak to him tonight and update. Thank you all very much for all your help and opinions.

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