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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

do I claim CMS??

27 replies

SnarkintheDark · 11/09/2016 10:24

So my beautiful DS was born last month, his daddy was having an affair with me ( I didn't know) and left me when I was 3 months pregnant. I wrote to him when my son was born with some pictures of DS and said he could see him whenever he wanted etc and also wrote to his mum and dd to say their grandson was born with some photos etc.
The grandparents haven't responded but he messaged me to say
'He feels nothing for 'it' and I decided to keep 'it' so it's my problem. He wants nothing to do with ds, and he doesn't want me to contact him ever again as he is trying to win back his real family and not hurt anyone anymore. He then went on to say that he doesn't speak to his parents anymore because of me telling them about our ds and that I shouldn't contact them ever again either as they want nothing to do with ds!
I have applied for child maintenance but now I feel terribly guilty for doing so and I feel guilty for upsetting his parents.
I don't want to hurt anybody it want the best for my beautiful little boy who didn't ask for any of this and is innocent completely.
I just wanted him to know his family.
Was I right to contact the grandparents and was I right to claim child support.
I truly hope his parents want to be In my boys life and the money from csa will certainly help me to give him what he needs.
the ex has other children and I don't want their life to be upset if my claiming csa causes problems for him and his wife and the contact with the grandparents causes problems too.
It doesn't help that I have PND and I'm feeling so anxious about everything.

OP posts:

Report

sunshineintheclouds · 11/09/2016 10:31

Yes if course you should claim csa. But unfortunately that is as far as you should go. You have given this guy and his family the knowledge of the birth of your son and the option to be in his life. That is all you can do. Leave it now. Get the cms to sort any financial commitment and keep out of it from your end.
Be prepared for a DNA being issued as he will most likely claim baby is not his. But this won't be an issue for you as the service pay for it and then he has to pay it back when it comes back as his child.
You may not get much from the service but least it makes him responsible for his actions.
Enjoy your son and congratulations on the new arrival, seek the help of your gp if you feel you are struggling with anything.
Wish you all the best

ChicRock · 11/09/2016 10:37

Yes you should claim CMS, of course you should.

But other than that, do not contact this man or his family again. They've made their position very clear. They know where you are if they want to get in touch.

LemonSqueezy0 · 11/09/2016 11:31

I'd be inclined to send a picture and letter on behalf of your son to the grandparents making it clear you are happy for them, and their son, to be involved and give contact details. Don't keep bothering them, but I would make it clear they are welcome grandparents as he has possibly spun them a Web of lies to support his own position. I'd go to CMS and follow that process.

elizalovelace · 11/09/2016 11:57

Indeed claim maintenance for your DS. However leave the family alone, they have rejected you and your boy once already, that must have been very painful for you but don't allow them to do this again, it will only hurt you even more. If they decide to want to be in touch they will come to you. Enjoy your baby.

category12 · 11/09/2016 12:02

You do right to claim child support. You've given him and his parents the option of knowing your child, so that's all you can do there.

Are you getting help with your PND? Look after yourself .

Tiggeryoubastard · 11/09/2016 12:14

Yes, claim child support. Contacting his parents out of the blue like that was an awful thing to do, though. If it's been handled better maybe they'd have wanted contact. Absolutely do NOT send more letters to them, they've not done anything to you, that would be spiteful as it would obviously be distressing for them. If they eventually want up see your child they'll find you.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 11/09/2016 12:20

Tigger why was it an awful thing to do to contact his family? She didn't do it maliciously, she did it to make contact with them for the potential benefit of her son.

I agree it would be unwise for her to contact them again, but spiteful? Really?

ChicRock · 11/09/2016 12:37

I have to say I think the way it was handled with regards to the grandparents was pretty poor.

The OP should have given the father the chance to tell them himself and made it clear that if he didn't she would.

To get a letter like that out of the blue must have been a real shock for them.

They might still get in touch yet but there are so many different issues, at this point their priority may be supporting their DIL and trying to maintain contact with their other grandchildren, not rocking the boat etc. They're stuck between a rock and a hard place at the minute.

The OP needs to leave the ball in their court, not harass them with more letters.

Trifleorbust · 11/09/2016 13:36

Most definitely claim through the CMS. Why wouldn't you?

SnarkintheDark · 11/09/2016 15:24

I didn't contact them out of the blue, I made it clear to my ex that I would be contacting them if he didn't as they have a right to know their grandson and I wanted my son to have a chance to know his family. It's a lot to explain but I think he is lying about his parents not wanting to know him.

OP posts:

SnarkintheDark · 11/09/2016 15:25

I just want what's best for my son, I don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:

SnarkintheDark · 11/09/2016 15:29

That is what I did @lemnsqueezy. I was simply a letter saying that he was born, his name, and that they are more than welcome to see him if they wish to and my contact details, I included some pics of him and also said I understood if they did not wish to have contact and that if they don't want to be in his life then I won't contact them again.
It was one letter to him and one to his parents- that's it.
I was putting the ball in their court and I am going to leave it there.
The thing I worry about more is the CMS as they wont just wrote one letter and leave it there.

OP posts:

allnewredfairy · 11/09/2016 15:34

It must be terrbly sad for you OP but I think you have done all you can. Leave the door open to GPs. They are in an awful predicament with divided loyalties.
Absolutely you should claim through CMS as your son has a right to be supported by his father financially.
Take good care of yourself OP especially while you're feeling so low. Don't be afraid to seek support from your HV and GP.

ThatStewie · 11/09/2016 15:37

You did absolutely the right thing in contacting the CMS & in the letter.

Now you need to focus on yourself and your beautiful son. PLease reach out for support for your PND. And be kind to yourself.

BlackVelvet1 · 11/09/2016 15:38

You were perfectly right for the cms and the letters. You sound like a great mum.

crayfish · 11/09/2016 15:43

I think you've done the right thing on both counts but don't contact any of the family or him again. They know where you are now if the decide they want contact and it's very early days, even in a few years they might feel different.

He is pissed off because you exposed his affair to his parents (I assume they didn't know about you/you DS before the letter?) but don't let that bother you. You have done all you can for now and the ball is in their court.

SnarkintheDark · 11/09/2016 15:59

No they didn't know about me, if they never make contact with me I will of course be sad for ds but at least I will be able to show him that I did everything I could to encourage a relationship.
I plan to put the CMS money away for ds when he needs something or for him to go to clubs and do activities when he is older.
He is so so beautiful, I just don't get how his dad can't look at him and fall completely in love. He's a carbon copy of his father.
Sadly I don't have my father so ds only has my mum as a grandparent but he will never be short of love from myself and his siblings.
I guess when he is older he may choose to contact my ex or his half siblings or maybe he wont want to- I'll leave that up to ds.
Thanks for all of your replies.

OP posts:

JacquettaWoodville · 11/09/2016 16:08

You did the right thing and your son deserves the CM.

Please don't feel you should save it for clubs etc if you need it to live on.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/09/2016 16:23

My biological father has never had any contact with me. The plus of this is that it allows me to have an uncomplicated relationship with my father, who my mum met when I was 2, married when I was 4, and who adopted me when I was 5. You are right to claim the CM of course, and now enjoy your family, however it develops

LineyReborn · 11/09/2016 16:27

I think I'd like to know if I had a grandchild, actually.

SnarkintheDark · 11/09/2016 18:17

That's what my mum said lineyreborn- she would want to know her grandchild.
If my boys have children then I want to be in the lives of those children regardless of the circumstances.
The child is innocent and didn't ask to be in this situation at all.
I feel in my heart that I have done the right thing in contacting his mum and dad but I feel bad that it has upset their relationship with their son and possibly his children with his wife as a result (if he wasn't lying about that of course).
I just hope for my boys sake that they will be a great influence in his life.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 11/09/2016 18:22

I think you've done as much as you can for now.

And you definitely did the right thing applying for child support.

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SnarkintheDark · 11/09/2016 20:09

Thanks for all the replies guys, I am receiving help for my PND so thanks for mentioning that too, the doctor has put me on sertraline and I'm seeing a therapist privately for underlying issues. Please pray (those that do) that my boys grandparents will come to love him, they are genuinely nice people despite their son being an utter dusch bag. :-)

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 11/09/2016 20:54

I'm glad you're getting help. I really do wish you all the very best

Neweternal · 14/09/2018 15:47

The GP had a right to know. You know it's not absent fathers it's absent families you cannot condone your child getting someone pregnant and not taking responsibility as difficult as it. So she wrote a letter to the GP, this woman has been mislead then carried a child alone for 9 months and given birth, it's passed pussyfooting around GPs who also are rejecting. Claim child support forget about you DS father.

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